http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/posts zh-CN 60 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by rainee:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>Yea sadly got times when I think they just treat me as a source of money as well. They kept saying they are doing it for my well-being but sometimes I really doubt so.</p> <p>How do you think I can take control? I can't just quit my job just like that, I am bonded to it for the next few years...so they know I can't quit.</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Ofcors you can take control.</p> <p>There is always an exit clause to any contractual agreement. Just because you are bonded does not mean you sold your soul to the company.</p> <p>Let them know if you quit.. you will have to pay a hefty penalty. Not only will you not have a job.. you will also be in debt. Ask them.. is that what they want ?</p> <p>You are right to doubt their true intent about your "Well-being".</p> <p>Ask yourself this.. if you are a mother.. and your child have to send so much money to you.. what will she live on ? If you truly love her.. wouldn't you want her to keep more money so she can spend more on herself and live a better life ?</p> <p>Sometimes.. this concept .. filial piety .. gets abused.</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:38:35 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477685 jojobeach http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by jojobeach:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>I'm not sure how the marriage process works in Malaysia. Do they understand the concept of ROM in Singapore ?</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>They should understand it ba...in Malaysia it is the same process also ma. Just that they dun consider us as married until I go thru the traditional customary marriage.</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:29:09 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477659 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by jojobeach:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>If your parent threaten to make a scene at your work place.. simple remind them that you will quit your job if they ever do that.</p> <p>Your parents seems to be very manipulative..and they only treat you like a ATM and a retirement account.</p> <p>They don't seem to have much consideration for your well being.</p> <p>You may want to consider how their behavior will ultimately affect your marriage.</p> <p>If they are unreasonable.. they may cause your marriage to breakup.</p> <p>So for your own sake.. you need to take control.</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Yea sadly got times when I think they just treat me as a source of money as well. They kept saying they are doing it for my well-being but sometimes I really doubt so.</p> <p>How do you think I can take control? I can't just quit my job just like that, I am bonded to it for the next few years...so they know I can't quit.</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:28:15 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477657 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <p>It is very common for parents to use threats to control their children. Not the most ethical thing to do.. but it can be the most effective way.</p> <p>As long as you made known to them it works on you.. they have no reason not to use it again and again.</p> <p>Using threats to disrupt your life is a form of emotional abuse.</p> <p>If they ever do that to you again.. threaten them back.. say if they keep pushing you will kill yourself lor....</p> <p>Once they realised what they have to lose.. they will stop.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:26:41 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477653 jojobeach http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by rainee:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>Yea but sometimes I find it hard to push back because they will still attempt to get their own way by threatening me etc.</p> <p>Thing is I am already married by the law, now just waiting to hold the banquet nia. I dunno why they cant wait.</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>I'm not sure how the marriage process works in Malaysia. Do they understand the concept of ROM in Singapore ?</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:14:30 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477625 jojobeach http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <p>If your parent threaten to make a scene at your work place.. simple remind them that you will quit your job if they ever do that.</p> <p>Your parents seems to be very manipulative..and they only treat you like a ATM and a retirement account.</p> <p>They don't seem to have much consideration for your well being.</p> <p>You may want to consider how their behavior will ultimately affect your marriage.</p> <p>If they are unreasonable.. they may cause your marriage to breakup.</p> <p>So for your own sake.. you need to take control.</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:13:24 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477621 jojobeach http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by jojobeach:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>Rainee,</p> <p>Tell your parents you have no desire to get married anymore. See their reaction lor.</p> <p>Sometimes the child must know when to draw a line with the parents.</p> <p>When your parents get pushy.. you must know to push back.</p> <p>Tell them .. it is your wedding.. and you will have it <strong>your</strong> way.</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Yea but sometimes I find it hard to push back because they will still attempt to get their own way by threatening me etc.</p> <p>Thing is I am already married by the law, now just waiting to hold the banquet nia. I dunno why they cant wait.</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:11:09 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477612 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <p>i do understand where you are coming from.. it's just sad that your parents cannot be more understanding or rational.. well decide on your and your husband's pov what to do and tell your parents that's the way it's going to happen.. then endure their nonsense because that comes with it.. unless you are prepared to go their way and be spared of their nonsense..</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:08:16 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477598 tinuviel07 http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <p>Rainee,</p> <p>Tell your parents you have no desire to get married anymore. See their reaction lor.</p> <p>Sometimes the child must know when to draw a line with the parents.</p> <p>When your parents get pushy.. you must know to push back.</p> <p>Tell them .. it is your wedding.. and you will have it <strong>your</strong> way.</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:06:21 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477589 jojobeach http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by tinuviel07:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>put it this way lah.. i moved up for 2 years because i shared too much and they wouldn't stop bugging me.. once i'm out, they treat me like don't know how nice..</p> <p>put it another way. my bro in law is over-filial to his parents that my sister and him just divorced.. so don't let yourself endure too much...</p> <p>it's not worth it even if they are your parents</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Yes, I know shouldn't be over filial...sometimes I dunno whether I am being over filial or not. I actually dun feel much attachment towards them because when i was younger, I was actually abused and beaten up quite badly by them. Even until now they have never regretted their action and justified it by saying that every parents do that to their kids anyway.</p> <p>I am not doing it because I really feel affectionate or attached towards them. I am just doing it out of obligation and trying to keep things peaceful. I am not someone who likes to stir up shit if it can be avoided.</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:05:34 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477584 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by tinuviel07:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>you must put your foot down on things that cannot negotiate that much.. i understand being filial but you are your own person too.. you must make them understand that you have your own opinions and ideas and that doesn't mean that you are unfilial.. it's not mutually exclusive..</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Yes, I have tried doing that. Thing is everything I managed to calm them down they will come up with some other issues to bug me with. Like tonight they worry that I won't take care of them when they get older. Sigh.</p> <p>I would have just put my foot down and refused to answer their call if not because they will come and create a scene in my workplace. As I said earlier, it has happened before and it was not a pretty situation.</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:03:32 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477574 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <p>put it this way lah.. i moved up for 2 years because i shared too much and they wouldn't stop bugging me.. once i'm out, they treat me like don't know how nice..</p> <p>put it another way. my bro in law is over-filial to his parents that my sister and him just divorced.. so don't let yourself endure too much...</p> <p>it's not worth it even if they are your parents</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:02:39 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477569 tinuviel07 http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by tinuviel07:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>as chip says, sometimes must have moderation...</p> <p>i used to share with my parents everything because they are my family.. but i realise it's too tiring because they will use it against me when they need to.. so i stop sharing too much.. share things to keep them occupied can liao...</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>anyway forgot to congrats you!!</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>So you think it is too much that I shared with them I am going to get a house next year?</p> <p>Last time I just kept everything from them, then they also not happy and kept bugging me cos they said they dunno what is happening to me and they feel worried. So now I try to keep them updated they also get angry.</p> <p>Really at a loss of what to do.</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:00:50 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477564 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <p>you must put your foot down on things that cannot negotiate that much.. i understand being filial but you are your own person too.. you must make them understand that you have your own opinions and ideas and that doesn't mean that you are unfilial.. it's not mutually exclusive..</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:59:54 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477558 tinuviel07 http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by rainee:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>So you suggest that I just abandon them to fend for themselves?</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>i don't know. somewhere down the line, someone's got to do the dirty job.</p> <p>it's your call dear.</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:59:26 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477556 soleachip http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by browniebaobao:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>suggested u to tell tell them that u will cut their allowances is just to scare them.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>actually if u dun intend to invite too many ple, maybe 20 tables at the most, it should be affordable ba.. i have colleagues who held banquet in malaysia for RM$3000 for 10 tables.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>I have tried threatening them with that last time, but they just threatened me back that they will come and make trouble in my office. And they really did at one point, that's why I am scared they will repeat it again.</p> <p>I have to hold the dinner in Singapore cos most of our friends here, then Rin's relatives are also here...but think will need to hold a smaller gathering for my relatives in KL...</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:59:20 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477555 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by soleachip:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>at some point in time you get to choose between bailing out and making your own lot in life, or walking behind the chinese culture of 孝.</p> <p>i believe your time has come.&nbsp;</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>So you suggest that I just abandon them to fend for themselves?</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:57:14 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477544 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <p>as chip says, sometimes must have moderation...</p> <p>i used to share with my parents everything because they are my family.. but i realise it's too tiring because they will use it against me when they need to.. so i stop sharing too much.. share things to keep them occupied can liao...</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>anyway forgot to congrats you!!</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:57:12 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477543 tinuviel07 http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <p>suggested u to tell tell them that u will cut their allowances is just to scare them.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>actually if u dun intend to invite too many ple, maybe 20 tables at the most, it should be affordable ba.. i have colleagues who held banquet in malaysia for RM$3000 for 10 tables.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:55:39 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477532 browniebaobao http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <p>at some point in time you get to choose between bailing out and making your own lot in life, or walking behind the chinese culture of 孝.</p> <p>i believe your time has come.&nbsp;</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:55:30 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477531 soleachip http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by tinuviel07:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>rainee ah... sometimes plans cannot be shared with parents de, very hard to "siam" after that..</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>I am really very confused now.</p> <p>Sometimes I don't want to tell them, but they will keep asking me until I have no choice but to tell them.</p> <p>But I never tell them anything much, just told them that I will be getting a house some time next year. I had thought they would be happy to hear that, but it seems like now they come up with other things to bug me about ie about the banquet.</p> <p>It is like endless pestering. It is getting to be very irritating and harder for me to tolerate as the time goes by.</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:55:21 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477529 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by browniebaobao:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>Dear Rainee</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Blessings to you and Rin~&nbsp;^^</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Maybe you can make your parents stop pressing you to hold a banquet or buy a new house by asking them to contribute a sum of money to the banquet/house expenses which I believe they wun be willing to do that.&nbsp; Since they want face, tell them you will deduct 50% of your allowances to them every month, sell off the car to save up a sum of money to hold banquet or buy big house lor.&nbsp; Tell them that you need to support them, support yourself, the car, give allowance to your in-laws and family planning.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>With regards to your concern on migration, i think it's too early to think about that..you cannot predict what will happen tmr.&nbsp; If you do not have the ability to hold a banquet in&nbsp;1 or 2 yrs, why think of migrating in 6 or 7 yrs?&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>All the best.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Thanks for the well wishes :)</p> <p>I can't cut their allowances, they will give me no peace if I do that. I am also trying to let them enjoy their life after retirement but seems like maybe they are too free le, then keep thinking more and more and come up with weird thoughts and start bothering me with all the petty, trivial stuff.</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:51:58 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477515 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <p>rainee ah... sometimes plans cannot be shared with parents de, very hard to "siam" after that..</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:51:09 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477511 tinuviel07 http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>ask him to pay for the banquet</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>I think I have already mentioned in my first post that neither of us are a millionaire.</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:50:16 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477505 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697 <blockquote> <div class="quote_from">Originally posted by zaxis:</div> <div class="quote_body"> <p>only daugther some more</p> <p>hold simple dinner can?</p> <p>only invite close relative only,</p> <p>maximum 10 tables, both your relatives &amp; husband relatives</p> <p>so that your father can gain his faces,</p> <p>invite only adult no children,</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Most restaurant need to have at least 15 tables and above before they let you hold a banquet there leh...</p> <p>And they want the whole thing like must have photoshoot, bla bla...confirm will cost 10k and above de.</p> Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:49:33 +0800 zh.sgforums.com:12:333697:8477499 rainee http://zh.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/333697