perspectives
-
Just seeking male and female perspectives on a lousy existing Mr G problem.
I am wondering whether I am better off breaking contact for the period of time he is away. Or whether I should stay in touch on a daily basis and entertain mundane daily reports and his varying “Let’s do this when I come back…” ideas.
Albeit vague concepts here and there about where this is headed, I believe IÂ’ll be happier in time if I take this opportunity to disappear and ignore him.
Another part of me doesnÂ’t want to exert excessive energy on it, just adopt a placid attitude and see what happens next. Continue talking to him and continue living my life (not much these days anyway).
Last bit of me appreciates the tiny effort he shows in sharing his life away from home with me. And want to give it chance, be sweet, be nice, be cheesy and melancholy etc.
Looking forward to Yunhaier's advice especially. -
double post...
-
Jackie girl,
What are you expecting from him ?
Do you want him to give you a diamond ring to prove his love for you?
He's trying to be IN a relationship with you.
The question is , what do YOU want out of it?
Your plaicd attitude towards him doesn't give him very much headway either, does it ?
Takes two hands to clap in a successful relationship girl. -
wow, my favourite drink
you are still confused.
my perspective is that i tend not to think too much about all these. life is much better that way. -
treasure wat u have. do you?Originally posted by jackdaniels:Just seeking male and female perspectives on a lousy existing Mr G problem.
I am wondering whether I am better off breaking contact for the period of time he is away. Or whether I should stay in touch on a daily basis and entertain mundane daily reports and his varying “Let’s do this when I come back…” ideas.
Albeit vague concepts here and there about where this is headed, I believe IÂ’ll be happier in time if I take this opportunity to disappear and ignore him.
Another part of me doesnÂ’t want to exert excessive energy on it, just adopt a placid attitude and see what happens next. Continue talking to him and continue living my life (not much these days anyway).
Last bit of me appreciates the tiny effort he shows in sharing his life away from home with me. And want to give it chance, be sweet, be nice, be cheesy and melancholy etc.
Looking forward to Yunhaier's advice especially. -
opt for this if ur not in a rush to settle downOriginally posted by jackdaniels:Just seeking male and female perspectives on a lousy existing Mr G problem.
I am wondering whether I am better off breaking contact for the period of time he is away. Or whether I should stay in touch on a daily basis and entertain mundane daily reports and his varying “Let’s do this when I come back…” ideas.
Albeit vague concepts here and there about where this is headed, I believe IÂ’ll be happier in time if I take this opportunity to disappear and ignore him.
Another part of me doesnÂ’t want to exert excessive energy on it, just adopt a placid attitude and see what happens next. Continue talking to him and continue living my life (not much these days anyway).
Last bit of me appreciates the tiny effort he shows in sharing his life away from home with me. And want to give it chance, be sweet, be nice, be cheesy and melancholy etc.
Looking forward to Yunhaier's advice especially.
-
Jojobeach, you sound very much like a real romantic and that is very rare.
Just some thoughts from the back of my head. I don't think Mr G wants a relationship though that is what he claims. Maybe he wants one but he doesn't really need one with me. Things seemed to transpire in reverse order. Most of us claim a r/s before or shortly after physical intimacy, for Mr G it happens after 2 years. Maybe he orchestrated this mistrust. Maybe I did.
The logical part of me believes he's spewing whatever he thinks can ensure contact when he comes back. It comes across as very cheesy. He has been spewing for a long time now. Apart from sex I cannot think of better reason why a person like him will bother. I also don't understand why he has to be this desperate / shrewd. That's why I'm curious for male perspective. Is it really desperation? Do people really stoop to that?
I have no idea why he needs to be this desperate because I find him attractive and he gives me nightmares. What I don't understand is why he chose to leave without bidding goodbye, then contacts me again and apologises voluntarily. I wasn't riled up to begin with, I didn't probe. I didn't instigate anything. Close friend of mine says I am not being appreciative that he bothered feeling bad over going away. I would like to be nice and responsive but something tells me he is just being a phoney. When I respond sometimes he becomes distant and says things like please take good care of yourself and cheers. Sort of like he is regretting the conversation big time and just trying to be rid of me.
Asking him all these questions is not going to cut because he will just be quiet. I don't think he needs these questions now anyway. When he does try explaining, the atmosphere gets so unbearably heavy I feel bad over it and have no choice but to cut him in and make a joke to lighten things up again. But when I try a joke to lighten things up, he turns frigid and looks very offended. When I get the feeling he is offended there's pretty much nothing I can do except to shut up. When he's offended he says nothing does nothing. It is very unapproachable and very scary to me.
Apart from that, I like him for his company and miss him when he's not around. But when he isn't around I'd rather not talk on the phone or on the net because he's very boring and awkward.
I want to tell him honestly it's better that we not talk and just meet up and go about the usual routine when he comes back, clear the air so he doesn't have to try so I don't have to be mislead. But if he really ignores me I'll feel terrible and unhappy. At the same time I don't want to be hurtful. He remembers harmless comments sometimes, shows no reaction and then brings it up 3 months later. What I say can come back to haunt me.
Can't seem to find a one stop kick buttock solution to my frustration and insanity so I would like someone clever to just tell me what it is so I can do right by it.
I just want to know if I am being excessively cynical or if I should go with what my gut says. -
Jojobeach, you sound very much like a real romantic and that is very rare.
Actually, I'm more of a practical.
And I don't let a man lead me around on a leash strung through my nose, well, not anymore. Now, I'd rather do the leashing... or lashing.
The trick is, knowing exactly what you want, then go get it.
Even if you don't get what you want, at least you know you've tried.
So no more wondering and daydreaming, or getting drunk on margaritas ,spacing out at the guy who always seems to look like Mr Mysterious while you're high on alcohol.... yah, silly me... here, you can borrow my mirror.
Just some thoughts from the back of my head. I don't think Mr G wants a relationship though that is what he claims. Maybe he wants one but he doesn't really need one with me. Things seemed to transpire in reverse order. Most of us claim a r/s before or shortly after physical intimacy, for Mr G it happens after 2 years. Maybe he orchestrated this mistrust. Maybe I did.
Physical intimacy does not equals relationship. You and Mr G, you call THAT a relationship ?????? it's a mutual s e x ual exchange at best. No, I take it back, it's a s ex ua l relationship.
Shifting it from first gear to 3rd gear will take some hard revving on your end.
If that old flubber ain't gonna burn, the wheel ain't turning, the piece of rocket junk ain't going nowhere.
The logical part of me believes he's spewing whatever he thinks can ensure contact when he comes back. It comes across as very cheesy. He has been spewing for a long time now. Apart from sex I cannot think of better reason why a person like him will bother. I also don't understand why he has to be this desperate / shrewd. That's why I'm curious for male perspective. Is it really desperation? Do people really stoop to that?
He's doing what he's doing for a long time, because it worked on you.
So yes, it's logical he continues to behave in such a manner.
Don't undermine your own ability to control the situation.
It's ultimately up to you, to decide if you want to play his game.
You want to find out the truth ? Abstain s e x with him.
See if he's gonna shrivel up like a raisin?
If your suspicion is true, that s e x is the driving force behind his repeated contact with venus. You'd know Mars is up to noooo good, end of guessing game.
I have no idea why he needs to be this desperate because I find him attractive and he gives me nightmares. What I don't understand is why he chose to leave without bidding goodbye, then contacts me again and apologises voluntarily. I wasn't riled up to begin with, I didn't probe. I didn't instigate anything. Close friend of mine says I am not being appreciative that he bothered feeling bad over going away. I would like to be nice and responsive but something tells me he is just being a phoney. When I respond sometimes he becomes distant and says things like please take good care of yourself and cheers. Sort of like he is regretting the conversation big time and just trying to be rid of me.
Well, all too familiar.
The only good guess I have is. He wants to be "chased". He wants you to initiate. He wants you to let him know how important he is to you. He wants to know he's God's gift to you... wait.. you ARE the woman, right ?
I hope he's not working in a bank........spooky
Asking him all these questions is not going to cut because he will just be quiet. I don't think he needs these questions now anyway. When he does try explaining, the atmosphere gets so unbearably heavy I feel bad over it and have no choice but to cut him in and make a joke to lighten things up again. But when I try a joke to lighten things up, he turns frigid and looks very offended. When I get the feeling he is offended there's pretty much nothing I can do except to shut up. When he's offended he says nothing does nothing. It is very unapproachable and very scary to me.
Why are you so afraid of him ? Are you afraid of rejection? I had the impression you are a go getter, the new modern woman, one who knows what she wants and would give up everything to get it. What happened to Miss Confidence... ? He ain't gonna bite you girl, he eats and sleep and poop like you and I do.
Apart from that, I like him for his company and miss him when he's not around. But when he isn't around I'd rather not talk on the phone or on the net because he's very boring and awkward.
When you have a relationship long enough, your mate WILL become boring and awkward on the phone or internet. Yah... so.. no biggie.
I want to tell him honestly it's better that we not talk and just meet up and go about the usual routine when he comes back, clear the air so he doesn't have to try so I don't have to be mislead. But if he really ignores me I'll feel terrible and unhappy. At the same time I don't want to be hurtful. He remembers harmless comments sometimes, shows no reaction and then brings it up 3 months later. What I say can come back to haunt me.
That's because you don't know what you want, yet.
Hun, you're letting him be the biatch, you need to get a man who IS a man. Not someone who dangles a piece of flesh in between his legs and calls it a diak when he wants to.
Can't seem to find a one stop kick buttock solution to my frustration and insanity so I would like someone clever to just tell me what it is so I can do right by it.
Someone clever ain't gonna help you girl, YOU need to be the smartie
I just want to know if I am being excessively cynical or if I should go with what my gut says.
So what exactly is your gut telling you ? Are you even listening ?
Finally, if you can't change his path to collide into yours, drop him. Move on, that's what courtship is about, you try them out, if they don't fit. GET ANOTHER ONE. -
Originally posted by jackdaniels:Jojobeach, you sound very much like a real romantic and that is very rare.
Just some thoughts from the back of my head. I don't think Mr G wants a relationship though that is what he claims. Maybe he wants one but he doesn't really need one with me. Things seemed to transpire in reverse order. Most of us claim a r/s before or shortly after physical intimacy, for Mr G it happens after 2 years. Maybe he orchestrated this mistrust. Maybe I did.
The logical part of me believes he's spewing whatever he thinks can ensure contact when he comes back. It comes across as very cheesy. He has been spewing for a long time now. Apart from sex I cannot think of better reason why a person like him will bother. I also don't understand why he has to be this desperate / shrewd. That's why I'm curious for male perspective. Is it really desperation? Do people really stoop to that?
I have no idea why he needs to be this desperate because I find him attractive and he gives me nightmares. What I don't understand is why he chose to leave without bidding goodbye, then contacts me again and apologises voluntarily. I wasn't riled up to begin with, I didn't probe. I didn't instigate anything. Close friend of mine says I am not being appreciative that he bothered feeling bad over going away. I would like to be nice and responsive but something tells me he is just being a phoney. When I respond sometimes he becomes distant and says things like please take good care of yourself and cheers. Sort of like he is regretting the conversation big time and just trying to be rid of me.
Asking him all these questions is not going to cut because he will just be quiet. I don't think he needs these questions now anyway. When he does try explaining, the atmosphere gets so unbearably heavy I feel bad over it and have no choice but to cut him in and make a joke to lighten things up again. But when I try a joke to lighten things up, he turns frigid and looks very offended. When I get the feeling he is offended there's pretty much nothing I can do except to shut up. When he's offended he says nothing does nothing. It is very unapproachable and very scary to me.
Apart from that, I like him for his company and miss him when he's not around. But when he isn't around I'd rather not talk on the phone or on the net because he's very boring and awkward.
I want to tell him honestly it's better that we not talk and just meet up and go about the usual routine when he comes back, clear the air so he doesn't have to try so I don't have to be mislead. But if he really ignores me I'll feel terrible and unhappy. At the same time I don't want to be hurtful. He remembers harmless comments sometimes, shows no reaction and then brings it up 3 months later. What I say can come back to haunt me.
Can't seem to find a one stop kick buttock solution to my frustration and insanity so I would like someone clever to just tell me what it is so I can do right by it.
I just want to know if I am being excessively cynical or if I should go with what my gut says.
Which route will allow you the liberty to be freed from this karmic, emotionally-captive and unfulfilling relationship? In fact, you have probably guessed it, nothing much will come out of it, but somehow, you are pinning for a drastic miracle to occur so that everything will somehow lead into a long awaited happy conclusion.
That's pretty much delusional. Probably it might not be as literal as a 'happy' ending, but surely you somewhat desire a long awaited conclusion to distinctively mark the boundaries of your relationship with him. Currently, your relationship with him has neither definite shape nor volume - a primary three kid will tell you that belong to the state of gas.
In fact, you are probably waiting for an answer that will always be denied. You will never know what's going on in his mind - he is shifty, alternating his mood and taking on the quality of being unpredictable - the all familiar AOS (Art of Seduction) techniques applied to another womenfolk.
Let me reframe your context - you have a choice now. But from the flow of your thoughts, apparently, the crux of your choice paradoxically implied that this decision is very much depended on his choice.
Therefore, it actually leaves you with no choice but to carry on and maintain status quo.
Square one.
In fact, you might even fear to know the truth - should there be an abstruse truth of some kind. What if he only thought of this as free sex? A fuck buddy? Would that shatter your confusion outrageously or even ruin the perception of how you have always thought of your relationship with him?
Could it be such that you are the one imploring more from this, when the unofficial deal is merely just that?
Perhaps the one that adamantly refuse to move along might be you.
Perhaps he understood this critical point - your need for his companionship supercede even the need for love. In crude sense, he could barter sex for his companionship and would succeed every time he subtly threatened you emotionally with abandonment....But if he really ignores me I'll feel terrible and unhappy. At the same time I don't want to be hurtful
This is the very reason why you have failed to move along these years. You have failed to resolve the internal conflicts within your inner space, that the most important component - which is SELF, is terribly afflicted with twisted definition of love, creating a scenario of you hovering back and forth between square one.
And your vulnerability is heavily being exploited my dear.
*** Why do you reckon that you must always respond or even be subjected to his 'haunting'? You mean someone can always 'haunt' you without your permission to allow them?
Your freewill, namely being your choice, decides your fate in your personal crisis. This freewill I often talks about, is independent of this knavish fellow or any other influences you are subjected to.
You are coerced to fear, hindering your process to make ANY decision because you can't seemed to leave the shoreline in search of an island that truly belongs to you.
Love is not something fleeting and ambiguous - you can actually feel it shrouding every pores of your life and not leaving you alone in despair, wondering when is the next time he's going to play ninja and vanish without a trace.
The weird thing about people in love is that they do the same thing and make the same decision over and over and over again... simultaneously expect different result.
Perhaps moving on for certain might instead be a different approach, dispelling, once and for all, this phantasmal nightmare you have been coping for years. From there, you might want to work on your SELF component.
Remember: you have the prerogative to be with a man who truly loves and appreciate you for who you are. A man... not a ninja.
Cheers -
Is he the only man in your life?Originally posted by jackdaniels:Just seeking male and female perspectives on a lousy existing Mr G problem.
I am wondering whether I am better off breaking contact for the period of time he is away. Or whether I should stay in touch on a daily basis and entertain mundane daily reports and his varying “Let’s do this when I come back…” ideas.
Albeit vague concepts here and there about where this is headed, I believe IÂ’ll be happier in time if I take this opportunity to disappear and ignore him.
Another part of me doesnÂ’t want to exert excessive energy on it, just adopt a placid attitude and see what happens next. Continue talking to him and continue living my life (not much these days anyway).
Last bit of me appreciates the tiny effort he shows in sharing his life away from home with me. And want to give it chance, be sweet, be nice, be cheesy and melancholy etc.
Looking forward to Yunhaier's advice especially.
He plays and he toys with you and you allows him to do so. So who is to blame?
You wish for him to change to someone better but he could not and you are unhappy about it.
Know what you want in life or the whole cycle will keep repeating itself. -
cheer up...
-
Originally posted by jojobeach:That's because you don't know what you want, yet.
Hun, you're letting him be the biatch, you need to get a man who IS a man. Not someone who dangles a piece of flesh in between his legs and calls it a diak when he wants to. [/b][/quote]
This is permanently going on record. It's a very good line.
[quote]Originally posted by jojobeach:
Physical intimacy does not equals relationship. You and Mr G, you call THAT a relationship ?????? it's a mutual s e x ual exchange at best. No, I take it back, it's a s ex ua l relationship.
Shifting it from first gear to 3rd gear will take some hard revving on your end.
If that old flubber ain't gonna burn, the wheel ain't turning, the piece of rocket junk ain't going nowhere.
I'm conflicted between these 2 ideas. Even if it does work, even when Mr G does respond positively, be nice, be accomodating, call me, cook for me, be serious, at the back of my head, I think it's not going to work. That is when I'd be in real trouble because somehow I don't think I should end up with a person like him. Several times, I couldn't introduce him to my friends/acquaintances when he wanted to join in. Recently we coincidentally patronised a usual haunt and I was with a close friend, I had to find an alternate spot. G stuck around thinking I would join him afterwards. I left first then made up an excuse for it and as usual he is unaffected. I don't know whether he is someone I am not proud of (older, lousy in English, sort of unintelligent) or I am doing it because I am ashamed of this secrecy (this is only a sexual affair and I am loose). I feel bad over it. Yet I think he deserves it. I find him alluring and at the same time I think he is one step down from my social circle. I'm beginning to really see this is not going to happen at all. I cannot make up my mind whether he is harmless or whether he is really very good at playing me. I don't even know if I am quoting this example out of ego or truth.Originally posted by Yunhaier:Which route will allow you the liberty to be freed from this karmic, emotionally-captive and unfulfilling relationship? In fact, you have probably guessed it, nothing much will come out of it, but somehow, you are pinning for a drastic miracle to occur so that everything will somehow lead into a long awaited happy conclusion.
Eitherway this is the hardcore wake up call I need now so many thanks to jojobeach and Yunhaier. Whether I'll make use of this advice, only time will tell.
This is the first person I've met who gets like this.
At this point, I barely find joy in the company of dates. When weekends are suddenly spent with relentless people I dislike, I'd rather be alone, yet it becomes unbearable.
Need to step outside for a while and take a breather. -
Originally posted by jackdaniels:I'm conflicted between these 2 ideas. Even if it does work, even when Mr G does respond positively, be nice, be accomodating, call me, cook for me, be serious, at the back of my head, I think it's not going to work. That is when I'd be in real trouble because somehow I don't think I should end up with a person like him. Several times, I couldn't introduce him to my friends/acquaintances when he wanted to join in. Recently we coincidentally patronised a usual haunt and I was with a close friend, I had to find an alternate spot. G stuck around thinking I would join him afterwards. I left first then made up an excuse for it and as usual he is unaffected. I don't know whether he is someone I am not proud of (older, lousy in English, sort of unintelligent) or I am doing it because I am ashamed of this secrecy (this is only a sexual affair and I am loose). I feel bad over it. Yet I think he deserves it. I find him alluring and at the same time I think he is one step down from my social circle. I'm beginning to really see this is not going to happen at all. I cannot make up my mind whether he is harmless or whether he is really very good at playing me. I don't even know if I am quoting this example out of ego or truth.
Eitherway this is the hardcore wake up call I need now so many thanks to jojobeach and Yunhaier. Whether I'll make use of this advice, only time will tell.
This is the first person I've met who gets like this.
At this point, I barely find joy in the company of dates. When weekends are suddenly spent with relentless people I dislike, I'd rather be alone, yet it becomes unbearable.
Need to step outside for a while and take a breather. You have many conflicting thoughts - seriously, I think you need a long break.
Pamper yourself with clarity for once?
Cheers -
You are obviously not happy with the situation and the person you are with.Originally posted by jackdaniels:I'm conflicted between these 2 ideas. Even if it does work, even when Mr G does respond positively, be nice, be accomodating, call me, cook for me, be serious, at the back of my head, I think it's not going to work. That is when I'd be in real trouble because somehow I don't think I should end up with a person like him. Several times, I couldn't introduce him to my friends/acquaintances when he wanted to join in. Recently we coincidentally patronised a usual haunt and I was with a close friend, I had to find an alternate spot. G stuck around thinking I would join him afterwards. I left first then made up an excuse for it and as usual he is unaffected. I don't know whether he is someone I am not proud of (older, lousy in English, sort of unintelligent) or I am doing it because I am ashamed of this secrecy (this is only a sexual affair and I am loose). I feel bad over it. Yet I think he deserves it. I find him alluring and at the same time I think he is one step down from my social circle. I'm beginning to really see this is not going to happen at all. I cannot make up my mind whether he is harmless or whether he is really very good at playing me. I don't even know if I am quoting this example out of ego or truth.
Eitherway this is the hardcore wake up call I need now so many thanks to jojobeach and Yunhaier. Whether I'll make use of this advice, only time will tell.
This is the first person I've met who gets like this.
At this point, I barely find joy in the company of dates. When weekends are suddenly spent with relentless people I dislike, I'd rather be alone, yet it becomes unbearable.
Need to step outside for a while and take a breather.
So what can you do about it?
Accept it or change it.
You are finding it hard to accept it or change it.
You find it unbearable to be with people you dislike and yet you cannot find people you like to hang out with.
You prefer to stay at home alone than to hang out with people you dislike. Yet you find it unbearable to be alone.
So what is the solution?
1. You find it unbearable to be alone... understandable... you do not want to hang out with people you dislike...
Solution: Find people you like to hang out with.
Problem: How to find people you like to hang out with?
You should have a better idea how you can find people to hang out with.
2. You are in a sexual relationship that is not "long term" and "stable" for one reason or another.
Solution: Find a stable long term stable relationship.
Problem: How to find someone to establish a stable long term relationship?
You should have a better idea how you can find someone to establish a stable long term relationship.
Still, it is you that have to make the effort.
What if you find a stable long term relationship but for one reason or another, you are not the monogamous type?
I guess it is too much to worry about too many things at once and concentrate on solving the current issues and cross the bridge when you come to it.