I need help..
-
I am 26 this year. Having spent the last 3 yrs with my bf, with like no plans to get married becoz he say we are not finanicially stable enuf yet. Though I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, many circumstances DO NOT allow me to do so.
Another Problem is tat he is married. Though he says he no longer sees his wife anymore. I dunno if i should trust tat and keep on living my life like a invisible 3rd party.
I dun wan to waste my time waiting like an idiot. Doing everything practically like what a wife would do for him, but STILL, I'm jus his GF.
My parents are urging me to get married... but.. I dunno what to tell my parents about his status. Theres no signs tat he's going to settle his divorce anytime yet.
He told me to wait... for the maturity of his matrimonial house and his ROM date to turn 5... It already turned 6 this yr...How long do I have to wait?
I feel so sad... Gave up a good job offer becoz he dun like it, jus for him.
I think I am so silly....
Any advices regarding what I should do about it?
Please help... Sighs... -
He told me to wait... for the maturity of his matrimonial house and his ROM date to turn 5... It already turned 6 this yr...How long do I have to wait?
Then he ain't keeping his promise.
What's holding him up anyway? Does he have kids?
Since you already did sacrifice your job for him,
its time to show him that he should be leading you by the nose.
Time for some play of "hard to get" tactics.
that'll be the the test for him. -
Originally posted by Chii_Chii:
why does he say financial status does not allow him to do so when he can actuali still continue with his own family?btw dun mind me askin, do u haf sex with him often?it could probably b a reason to use u....
I am 26 this year. Having spent the last 3 yrs with my bf, with like no plans to get married becoz he say we are not finanicially stable enuf yet. Though I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, many circumstances DO NOT allow me to do so.
Another Problem is tat he is married. Though he says he no longer sees his wife anymore. I dunno if i should trust tat and keep on living my life like a invisible 3rd party.
I dun wan to waste my time waiting like an idiot. Doing everything practically like what a wife would do for him, but STILL, I'm jus his GF.
My parents are urging me to get married... but.. I dunno what to tell my parents about his status. Theres no signs tat he's going to settle his divorce anytime yet.
He told me to wait... for the maturity of his matrimonial house and his ROM date to turn 5... It already turned 6 this yr...How long do I have to wait?
I feel so sad... Gave up a good job offer becoz he dun like it, jus for him.
I think I am so silly....
Any advices regarding what I should do about it?
Please help... Sighs...[b][/b]
has he proven to u that he no longer sees his wife?what r the proofs he has shown u to ensure u that his heart is with u n no longer with his wife?
he told u to wait n u haf waited....even for an xtra year....so whats his excuse?u shld make sure he gives u a good one or dun ever put him off the hook...he will try excuses to try to escape so make sure he answers the qn...
u gave up ur youth, ur job juz for him...what has he done for u so far?he has enjoyed with his wife, ur company, his own job( i suppose u din make him quit a job he had rite?)...
advices?id think here there wuld b many telling u to break up with him...for years uve waited for him...uve waited long enuf...if u cant bring urself to do it, make sure u press him to ans ur doubts....ur qns....if he doesnt, juz break up with him...no point holding on to something that does not materialise.... -
A very sad case indeed. But I can understand if he does not want to go into another marriage soon. I wouldnt know what to do either. Giving up this relationship is easier said than done.
-
giving up something uve held on so long is always difficult no matter what the situation...but holding on forever is not gona solve anything...sometimes in emotional cases, we haf to use our logic to see n determine ourselves to do the what has to b done...Originally posted by tingal79:A very sad case indeed. But I can understand if he does not want to go into another marriage soon. I wouldnt know what to do either. Giving up this relationship is easier said than done. -
break!
-
I feel so sad all the time. Now I even become like a full time housewife for him. I treat him so nice... he has no kids. For myself, I still not able to tell myself to leave him. Every single person i know tells me to leave this RS behind. I cant bear to do so. Sometimes, I rather be hurt den hurt someone. I'm too kind for my own sake. I Am not too sure of his intentions of having me around... feels like a maid in every aspect.. only a wife on duty when he gets home..
I should kill myself.. Such a stupid person. Its so clear, but i still cant see thru.. -
No matter how bad a guy is, he will still go back to his wife at the end of the day.
-
break lah...
ur youth is limited...
but his is not...
so just take a chance b4 it's too late...
there r many singles without any baggages out there... -
Please leave him as soon as possible, do not be under his control.Originally posted by Chii_Chii:I feel so sad all the time. Now I even become like a full time housewife for him. I treat him so nice... he has no kids. For myself, I still not able to tell myself to leave him. Every single person i know tells me to leave this RS behind. I cant bear to do so. Sometimes, I rather be hurt den hurt someone. I'm too kind for my own sake. I Am not too sure of his intentions of having me around... feels like a maid in every aspect.. only a wife on duty when he gets home..
I should kill myself.. Such a stupid person. Its so clear, but i still cant see thru..
I know it is hard, but give him an ultimatum. If he is serious about you, he will divorce his wife and get together with you. But I sense that he is not really that serious, he might just want to have you as his kept mistress only.
So walk out before it is too late...tell yourself that he is just using you and there are better guys out there
-
oh well...Originally posted by Chii_Chii:I feel so sad all the time. Now I even become like a full time housewife for him. I treat him so nice... he has no kids. For myself, I still not able to tell myself to leave him. Every single person i know tells me to leave this RS behind. I cant bear to do so. Sometimes, I rather be hurt den hurt someone. I'm too kind for my own sake. I Am not too sure of his intentions of having me around... feels like a maid in every aspect.. only a wife on duty when he gets home..
I should kill myself.. Such a stupid person. Its so clear, but i still cant see thru..
love is blind...
by standers sees it more clearly...
u cn listen to advices from ur frens n here...
but it's still up to u if u wana heed it...
u're just wastin ur youth on him when there are others willin to do what u're doin for him now... -
Originally posted by Chii_Chii:..I should kill myself.. Such a stupid person. Its so clear, but i still cant see thru..
Please take care. Just tell yourself this. There are bound to be at least one person out there who will, one day, love you and want to marry you.
-
Originally posted by Chii_Chii:
Lady, you are still young at 26, are you sure you really want to spend you life with a person whose heart is divided between you and his wife? Even though your heart tells you so? Would you mind being the smaller wife ? When I first read the first paragraph, I thought ok, maybe the boyfriend is really planning for the future.
I am 26 this year. Having spent the last 3 yrs with my bf, with like no plans to get married becoz he say we are not finanicially stable enuf yet. Though I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, many circumstances DO NOT allow me to do so.
Another Problem is tat he is married. Though he says he no longer sees his wife anymore. I dunno if i should trust tat and keep on living my life like a invisible 3rd party.
I dun wan to waste my time waiting like an idiot. Doing everything practically like what a wife would do for him, but STILL, I'm jus his GF.
My parents are urging me to get married... but.. I dunno what to tell my parents about his status. Theres no signs tat he's going to settle his divorce anytime yet.
He told me to wait... for the maturity of his matrimonial house and his ROM date to turn 5... It already turned 6 this yr...How long do I have to wait?
I feel so sad... Gave up a good job offer becoz he dun like it, jus for him.
I think I am so silly....
Any advices regarding what I should do about it?
Please help... Sighs...[b][/b]
Then in the 2nd paragraph, you said horrors of horrors... he's married! What are you doing with a married guy in the first place? Although I know logic cannot talk you out of your emotional attachment to him, you have to be clear he's a married man. In other words, does he love you or his wife? What if you are the wife and there's this invisible woman in the background who is seeing your husband? Would you like it? Stay clear of married people, man or woman. It's an unhealthy relationship.
Now this man deserves to get bashed. After what you did for him, he can simply say : "hey, it's over between us." and kick you aside like a soccer ball. Do you really think divorce is as simple as he says ? It involves a lot of cost especially in terms of money. If I were him, I might not even want to divorce, considering now if Im found out to be dating this woman, I can be accused of adultery, which will be even worse. All will be against me. Do you think I will want to get divorced after so much trouble I went through during marriage?
Actually I shouldn't have said so much. I could have just given you one advice. Date other guys who are single, eligible and available. You are already 26. Try to be sensible and mature. I believe there are still guys that will sweep off your feet, your Prince Charming.
Your situation has made me realise one fact of life: most girls will share a guy who is in demand than to be with a faithful loser.
doko -
what kind of help do you need?Originally posted by Chii_Chii:I feel so sad all the time. Now I even become like a full time housewife for him. I treat him so nice... he has no kids. For myself, I still not able to tell myself to leave him. Every single person i know tells me to leave this RS behind. I cant bear to do so. Sometimes, I rather be hurt den hurt someone. I'm too kind for my own sake. I Am not too sure of his intentions of having me around... feels like a maid in every aspect.. only a wife on duty when he gets home..
I should kill myself.. Such a stupid person. Its so clear, but i still cant see thru..
since you already stated so much cons than pros,u know better than us,it is no use to hear our advise if you don't do something about it. i think your situation is more than what you stated here.
1.what makes you not to leave him?
2.what makes him so special?
3.why is he delaying his divorce?
4.why did he want to divorce with his wife?
i suggest you take up a job,make more frens rather staying in his house like a prison.life will be more enjoyable since you are only 26. -
I'm scared. Though I know theres many better guys out there. I believe if a guy truly loves u, he will be responsible n do things with u having to ask.
Months ago, I think or guess his wife knew abt me n him. she say they needed to talk. I tot okie, why not let them talk and maybe they will finally wan to settle their divorce.. So i went away from his place.. went back my own place... to allow them to talk.
I came back to him the next day, he say wife will let him have house n will settle divorce anytime he's ready.
Thats not the worst, I knew tat she slept over. I was helping out with folding clothes when i discovered a pyjamas which do not belong to me,a wet toothbrush n an extra used towel... I fold it n left it on his bed. He saw it n jus kept it in the closet, WITHOUT saying a word. He knew wat i wanted to ask obviously.
He kept quiet, i kept quiet too.
Somehow i know something must have happened.. maybe they did their COUPLE things, myabe NOT. I feel tat he betrayed my trust n I'm so upset till now.. I smile at him, pretend i was happy..
Deep inside, i know i am not. I'm so damned hurt by his inability to explain things. And to talk things out, she dun have to stay over too..
Am i right? -
yes, you are right. He obviously does not have the intention to divorce the wife yet. He is probably taking you for a fool for sticking to him for so long, and never even confront him about all these issues, instead just keeping them to yourself.Originally posted by Chii_Chii:I'm scared. Though I know theres many better guys out there. I believe if a guy truly loves u, he will be responsible n do things with u having to ask.
Months ago, I think or guess his wife knew abt me n him. she say they needed to talk. I tot okie, why not let them talk and maybe they will finally wan to settle their divorce.. So i went away from his place.. went back my own place... to allow them to talk.
I came back to him the next day, he say wife will let him have house n will settle divorce anytime he's ready.
Thats not the worst, I knew tat she slept over. I was helping out with folding clothes when i discovered a pyjamas which do not belong to me,a wet toothbrush n an extra used towel... I fold it n left it on his bed. He saw it n jus kept it in the closet, WITHOUT saying a word. He knew wat i wanted to ask obviously.
He kept quiet, i kept quiet too.
Somehow i know something must have happened.. maybe they did their COUPLE things, myabe NOT. I feel tat he betrayed my trust n I'm so upset till now.. I smile at him, pretend i was happy..
Deep inside, i know i am not. I'm so damned hurt by his inability to explain things. And to talk things out, she dun have to stay over too..
Am i right?
Wake up from this nightmare girl. He ain't worth your time. -
Don't mind me for saying harsh things. I think you are weak-minded and low in self-esteem. Am I right to say that? After all the disrespect ?Originally posted by Chii_Chii:I'm scared. Though I know theres many better guys out there. I believe if a guy truly loves u, he will be responsible n do things with u having to ask.
Months ago, I think or guess his wife knew abt me n him. she say they needed to talk. I tot okie, why not let them talk and maybe they will finally wan to settle their divorce.. So i went away from his place.. went back my own place... to allow them to talk.
I came back to him the next day, he say wife will let him have house n will settle divorce anytime he's ready.
Thats not the worst, I knew tat she slept over. I was helping out with folding clothes when i discovered a pyjamas which do not belong to me,a wet toothbrush n an extra used towel... I fold it n left it on his bed. He saw it n jus kept it in the closet, WITHOUT saying a word. He knew wat i wanted to ask obviously.
He kept quiet, i kept quiet too.
Somehow i know something must have happened.. maybe they did their COUPLE things, myabe NOT. I feel tat he betrayed my trust n I'm so upset till now.. I smile at him, pretend i was happy..
Deep inside, i know i am not. I'm so damned hurt by his inability to explain things. And to talk things out, she dun have to stay over too..
Am i right? -
I will talk to him soon. I will give him a dateline to settle his divorce. If not, i will leave him. I'm not low esteemed, I jus dun wan to be the one to hurt ppl. I'm too kind.
Thanks for all the kind advices. Maybe becoz i love him too much, i tend to be abit forgiving n become dumber as the day goes by.
I should go out partying and get to know more ppl.
I will not fail myself again. Its time I do something good for myself. -
Good to know u have decided upon what you want. I hope when the time comes, you are strong enough to stick with your decision then to get soft hearted again and continue the vicious cycle.Originally posted by Chii_Chii:I will talk to him soon. I will give him a dateline to settle his divorce. If not, i will leave him. I'm not low esteemed, I jus dun wan to be the one to hurt ppl. I'm too kind.
Thanks for all the kind advices. Maybe becoz i love him too much, i tend to be abit forgiving n become dumber as the day goes by.
I should go out partying and get to know more ppl.
I will not fail myself again. Its time I do something good for myself.
Good luck and best wishes -
Originally posted by Chii_Chii:
DO NOT LET HIS SWEET TALK FOOL YOU WHEN YOU MEET HIM. be hard and truely let go,if you are still unsure or easliy taken in,just pack your bag,drop a letter and leave...anyway,its not really good to break up someone else marriage,right?and besides,i see this jerk is merely using you as a back up tool,thats it
[b]I will talk to him soon. I will give him a dateline to settle his divorce. If not, i will leave him. I'm not low esteemed, I jus dun wan to be the one to hurt ppl. I'm too kind.
Thanks for all the kind advices. Maybe becoz i love him too much, i tend to be abit forgiving n become dumber as the day goes by.
I should go out partying and get to know more ppl.
I will not fail myself again. Its time I do something good for myself.[/b]
all the best to you. -
Just get out of such a relationship first and then start life afresh without him. That's the best help you can give yourself.
-
Hi there, leaving a relationship behind may not always be the solution to problems.
If you want to marry this guy eventually, co habitation leaves him zero incentive to take this relationship a notch higher (marriage).
Actually sometimes there are signs along the way whether a serious commitment is in store. Is he initiating plans for his future with you in mind?
***
What kind of job offer did you give up on? Do you think his demands were fair?
For example, itÂ’s understandable for him to demand that you forgo a premium pole dancer position at the local bar. Unreasonable if he is asking you to give up a 5K per month salary with Qatar.
***
Pushing him for a dateline on top of all his existing problems is not going to help. If he is fresh out of a broken marriage and dawdling in his career, giving him time alone to sort out the priorities in his life may be the right thing to do. Sometimes people need to do these things by themselves, for themselves. When he has a clear direction in his own life, it is likely heÂ’ll be in a better position to pursue a serious commitment with you.
For most people, agreeing to another lifetime commitment straight after divorce is the last thing thing they want.
***
Living together and doing mundane things for each other may be a duty born out of context of care and love. But if you find yourself smouldering in resentment day in and out and not enjoying it at all, why do you do it still? If you cannot bear the idea of being home bound at this point, can you bear the dread 10 years from now?
This guy, and other better guys out there are not going to magically solve lifeÂ’s problems because every man and woman has enough of their own to handle. Apart from helping around the daily chores at home, what else can you offer in the relationship? Are you strong enough for him to count on, and vice versa?
***
IMHO, sometimes you need to take the leap and change things for yourself, by yourself, before you can safely say you have what it takes to make a relationship like this work.
PS: The sleepover between his ex wife and him is really subjective. They had sex. Are you willing to overlook it? If you can't, sweeping it under the rug is not going to benefit things in the long run. -
The "did their couple things" part is very depressing. You should never have let this happened. So since it happened, you should not let him off.Originally posted by Chii_Chii:He kept quiet, i kept quiet too. Somehow i know something must have happened.. maybe they did their COUPLE things, myabe NOT. I feel tat he betrayed my trust n I'm so upset till now.. I smile at him, pretend i was happy.. -
errrr... actually, I am quite surprised... no1 advice TS to have conversation with her bf's wife??? Well... I think her bf's wife is most likely mature type and if approached correctly, both of them can talk and help each other... Whatever, the wife say, it is at least 50% true...
Advantages :
1) Whatever the wife noes, TS dont noe. Whatever TS noes, the wife dont noe. if there is any lies, it will be straight away uncover... Probably, TS may even feel disgusted with her bf after the talk... who noes after all the wife accompany her husband more than TS do???
2) Currently, I can feel that TS still loves her bf. It is these love that bind her with her bf and torture TS. By approaching her bf's wife, it is like a sharp knife that chop the bond between her and her bf. Which is better ??? Breaking the bond with one chop or breaking the bond for a period of time???
3) Anyway,if her bf is true to her, communicating with her bf's wife is a good way to understand her bf... It will greatly enhance the relationship if it is not stained due to her bf's wife.
Disadvantages :
1) Yr bf will sure be angry 1... And his anger may even break the relationship with u
2) Probably, if u do communicate with her wife and he lied, he may lose u as well as his wife ><
3) Yr meeting with her wife may turn ugly...
well, if u really go and meet yr bf's wife, haha... yr bf will be shocked... I cant even imagine his face if he does lie to his wife and u ... >< -
With him = you feel miserable. Without him = at least there is some chance that you will be happy. Maybe you hope that in long term, he will be there for u. But after waiting soooooo long, how much longer u want to wait. Maybe give a deadline say end of Sep? Tell him your concerns, and if nothing changes by Sep...break off lor.