It's a long true life story. Ironically, at times, I will think about what I actually want in life.
Friends term my current life as 'fantastic'; but is it really that fantastic, that fulfilling?
I have a good job, supportive family and a great fiance - perceived by others.
I agree on the family portion, but doubtful about the rest.
Four years with my fiance - we are still in a BGR. Love is never a comparison between two separate individuals. We can never compare who gave more, who gave less. But at times, I do compare; human nature?
Let's start from the beginning.
I was in my final year of Poly when I met him. We became very good friends.
When I graduated, we met up more often; he knew I would be going to the States for my uni studies. At that time, we aren't together yet.
Ultimately, I went for a leisure trip with my family first before heading straight to the States from there. At the night before I left for the States, he sent me a sms asking me to come back to Singapore. He said he wanted to be with me.
I had a talk with my parents; we decided to postpone my studies till a year later. In the meantime, I can either do odd jobs or take up short courses.
I chose to take up a uni course locally; but it doesn't bind me to Singapore as it's a 'own time own target' course where u are given 10yrs to complete.
A year later, my parents reminded me of the promise to go to the States, I told him. He replied me with 'The day u board the plane for the States, will be the day this relationship ceased.'
I was heart-broken; he knew I came back a year ago for him; he knew I had to leave a year later. But ~~
My dad was persistent; he asked me for days when I wanted to go. I remained silent; when I finally missed the dateline, I was sad. I didn't have the courage to talk to my parents, for fear of how disappointed they would feel.
I stayed, and continued on my uni here. I deferred a total of 3 times of my exams; because of him. He would sms me two days before my exams, telling me how cold this relationship had became, how insecure this relationship has became, we had both changed, etc etc. I would have to spend the next few days assuring him, telling him everything is perfectly fine.
Even when I was preparing for my exams, he would text me, call me to ask what time I would be free to meet up. I would tell him that I would text him once I had finished my revision for the day. But alas, he still would call me every hour; until I gave up and agreed to meet him. I practically gave up revising; but his reaction? Instead of meeting me a while, for dinner or some window shopping, and sending me back to continue my revision, he would insist on hanging out till wee hours. Even if my exam is the next day, he would insist on going back at 3am.
If u all were wondering why couldn't I just leave or scold him; alas, no, I can't. Because once I leave or scold, he would turn into the pessimistic kind again and start wondering about the relationship.
During the first year, he would meet his friends, had family gatherings etc. Before I meet his family, we only met up once every two weeks, on weekdays. Weekends were mahjong session for him; because that's the way his family communicate i.e. via mahjong - he claimed.
When I finally met up with his family, I was dragged into all the different gatherings they have to the extend of I was seeing them more than my own family. Not only that, even when we were out, his mother would call at any hour of the day jus to get us to run errands like, fetching his grandma home, buy food, bring his sis to c doc etc. FYI, they have two cars at home. We drove one out, they still have the other. Even if we didn't drive out, they would call and ask us to take public back to run the errands.
He would gladly drag me back.
Being a typical plus ignorant female, obviously I wasn't happy about all these things, but I felt since he was good to me, I felt it was ok.
Until the day when the 'bomb' finally dropped.
He told me 'Although u have been joining me in my family and friends gatherings, but you aren't considered family or important to me. The reason is I haven't marry u yet.'
My entire world crashed that day.
From that day on, I told myself I have to change; I change from a 'tag-along gal' to one who spends time with family and friends.
For four years, sometimes I really wonder what kind of life I am leading. He proposed two yrs ago, but up till now no action was taken. He was enthusiatic for the first three months, thereafter, back to his usual ways.
He didn't really hold a proper job, a proper income; he helps out with his dad's business. Business wasn't really that great. I have been asking him to step into the commercial world to work, and help out at his dad's place over the weekends; but he felt it was too taxing and rejected me.
The day he proposed he promised to find a job within three months; he promised not to be possessive or paranoid or overly sensitive. He promised to hunt for a flat. He promised a lot and a lot.
But till now, two yrs later, I never see any being fulfilled.
I know he will never leave his dad's business, so I helped out silently, giving him all the ideas to improve the business. I told him never to let his family know.
Business improves a lot, over the past few months. I was glad, so was he.
There was a day, I was chatting with his mother. She mentioned about buying a watch; I told her I saw the same exact brand but cheaper but 50 dollars. I asked if she wanted me to get it for her. Her reply? 'Oh, no la, I prefer to just walk into a shop, see what I like and just get it on the spot. Who cares about price difference?'
I was stunned. I laughed to myself, so, that's the difference between the old business and the new business profits.
I have heard numerous times of 'Let's break up' over these four years. Initially, I will feel sad, will want to rush to meet him and ask him what happened.
As time passes, I got used to it; he can just ask for a break up when I met a guy friend for dinner, when he didn't have a conversation to talk about with my friends, when I get to know more guy friends via online games, when I went out at midnight to accompany my neighbour (a guy) as he's feeling down, when I intro him as a friend instead of a fiance etc.
From the day he knew me, my friends have been mostly guys; I can just count my girl friends with just one hand.
Whatever things u can think of, most likely he had done it. Tailing me, checking my sms, showing me attitudes when I just said a few words to a guy friend I met on the street, asking my alot of Qs on all my guy friends etc.
Four years, what had I actually been doing?
At times, I do feel tired out. I couldn't tell my family or friends. I didn't want to make them worry. Since young, I have always been pampered, be it by friends or family.
I haven't been in good health either; that's something which my mum has been worrying as well.
My mum once told him, 'Her dad and me have spoilt her since young, especially her dad. We don't ask that she marries into a rich family; but all we ask for is someone to dote on her, to love her, to make sure she is happy always as she is now.'
(FYI, I am known as outgoing and cheerful by those who know me, but kind of playful as I like to tease people but in a harmless way.)
I cried on hearing those. Him? He jus went 'ok', and after that he told me, 'Haven't I been treating u very well?' I remained silent.
What I wrote here is just a brief summary, there's more, but I really didn't have the courage to type out w/o tears pouring down.
Guys and Gals out there, how would u feel?
Ok.. sensitive to ask a lady her age. From the looks of it, you must be quite young.
My point of view is this. In this 21st century, please don't tie yourself down in r/s so early. You can have a bf, but you shouldn't have been committed too early. Of course I'm not saying you should be a total twit and go screw around with other guys.
What I'm saying is that you should pursue your studies and career while you still can. I feel you have made a mistake not going to the States yet.
I shan't judge how nice or bad your bf is since i don't know both of you, but ya.. it is too early to take it too seriously. I mean.. marriage isn't on your cards at the moment is it? Seems like it isn't for him.
You should re-evaluate your priorities.
TS, my qn is simple, but you have to ask yourself this
WHAT IS YOUR WORTH?
ur story quite long....
tink ur r/s abit messy... but most impt is r u hapi wif it & do u wan to continue wif it down the road...?
Thanks for the replies.
Sorry? I don't quite get it; What do you mean by 'What's my worth?'
Instead of taking Psychology in the States, my fave course, I took Finance.
That's a regret; although I do have a 'so-called' recognised cert, but it doesn't really mean much to me.
He was thinking of marriage recently, but I, the other hand, am pondering over this Q. Is it really time?
Originally posted by shuibianni05:Thanks for the replies.
Sorry? I don't quite get it; What do you mean by 'What's my worth?'
Instead of taking Psychology in the States, my fave course, I took Finance.
That's a regret; although I do have a 'so-called' recognised cert, but it doesn't really mean much to me.
He was thinking of marriage recently, but I, the other hand, am pondering over this Q. Is it really time?
I mean is, do you feel inferior than him? Do you feel that there's someone better than him out there? What is your worth?
I feel that since both of ya are in a r/s you should be supporting each other rather then restrict each other. May be you should have an open talk with him about the issues? Also if he is not holding onto a stable job, personally i don't think he is "matured" enough to handle marriage.
Pretty surprised by the 'inferior Q'. I don't feel inferior than him. In fact, I don't feel inferior to anyone; each individual has our own lives, regardless of 'so-called' status, as long as we are happy, nothing really matters.
As for someone being better than him, I believe there are, but I don't do any comparisons as everyone is an unique individual. I do have friends telling me to break and that they will treat me better than he does. I just went ???.
But it all boils down to the fact that I do feel tired out from the relationship. How not to?
I have been 'babysitting' the guy for four years; every single thing that crops up in his life, I am the one settling it. He may want to do it his way, I do let him, but silently I have to come up with a back up solution because his ways will never work.
I serve as the counsellor for his personal and work communications problems, the legal counsel as well as the management advisor for his family business. His friends and family didn't know; whenever they ask about his business, he will happily said the business has perked up etc etc. I just remain silent; I never expect anything in return except respect.
If u are referring 'worth' in terms of my life, I do lead a happy life, excluding the part on my relationship. I have a career, great family and great friends; I still am furthering my studies part time and I have been active in volunteer work. Everyone, apart from him, knows me as bubbly and outgoing.
I have tried talking to him numerous times, but he is sticking by his own thinking.
He felt that all he did is right; and most times will put his ridiculous ways as being stubborn, saying 'That's me. You know me.'
Financially he's not stable; after all, that's his father's business, whatever the business earns will go to the parents, not him. He's jus drawing a salary; below market rate.
Talking about finances, he will scold and make a big deal if I donate to charity; nowadays I just kept quiet about the donations stuff.
Same goes for if I give my parents allowances out of my salary.
Personally feel that he is a MCP. You should have the right to fight for your decisions as much as he does. Have you tried being more assertive when he puts down your actions or words when you tried to talk to him. Try to make him look at things from your point of view instead because right now he is thinking of everything from his own perspective which is what is making you unhappy atm from what i can tell.
you are happy in all aspects of your life, except him... Once you are married to him, you life revolves around your new family... So, if you are not happy with him and you marry him, all aspects of your life wont matter... All you'll be is unhappy... You get my point?
I did fight for my decisions. Ultimately, he will pop the Q of 'Let's break off'; which will stop me from further 'discussion'.
I have never felt there is a need to 'break off' just because of minor issues. That's why I chose to remain silent; but seems that this 'break off' phrase has been popping up every now and then over the smallest of issues.
What's worst is that every two months, he will undergo a mood swing and starts feeling dejected and insists that our relationship has staled, 'froze', I am not caring and loving him enough etc. But he will be fine after a few days and apologise.
I don't think anyone will break off with the 1 they love and even if they do, they will get back together again so i think he is just using it as a form of emotional blackmail.
Can't advise on the dejected part. Could range from being emo to thinking/feeling he is not good enough for you.
Originally posted by shuibianni05:I did fight for my decisions. Ultimately, he will pop the Q of 'Let's break off'; which will stop me from further 'discussion'.
I have never felt there is a need to 'break off' just because of minor issues. That's why I chose to remain silent; but seems that this 'break off' phrase has been popping up every now and then over the smallest of issues.
What's worst is that every two months, he will undergo a mood swing and starts feeling dejected and insists that our relationship has staled, 'froze', I am not caring and loving him enough etc. But he will be fine after a few days and apologise.
oh i see...
Once you remain silent, he will assume that you are afraid if he leaves you... Which makes him feel more powerful and superior... Just teach him a lesso and say "ok, lets break off"... See what he says... Are you sure you want to marry that kind of guy... Take credit for your ideas and easily say break.. If you marry, then he will toy with the "Lets divorce"...
Yup; I get ur point.
Actually there's a scenario I wanted to consult u guys - I presume u all are guys?
Two yrs back, his proposal was to tie me into the relationship as a few other suitors came up and he felt pretty threatened especially when they actually approach him to 'warn' him to treat me well. I am pretty amused.
What do u feel about this thinking of tying me down?
Another scenario was that two yrs plus back, I was nearly 'sexually abused' by a close friend. He was the third to know; because I expected what his reaction would be. He barked down the phone at me, text me scolding sms and told me if the friend succeeeded, I will never see him again. At that time, I really wonder if he's the victim or me. In case, u all are wondering if I have dressed very outrageously, nope, that night I wore bermudas and a big baggy T-shirt to go out for dinner with my friend.
Is that how all guys react when they know their gf was nearly 'sexually abused'?
Can anyone enlighten me?
1)i think he is trying to tie you down and prevent other guys from trying to court you.
2)Putting myself in his shoes, i would confront your "close" friend and threaten him with bodily harm and comfort my gf instead of berating her.
Honestly i feel he is taking your devotion to him for granted and it is time u take a stand and let him know that he should appreciate all you have done instead.
Originally posted by shuibianni05:Yup; I get ur point.
Actually there's a scenario I wanted to consult u guys - I presume u all are guys?
Two yrs back, his proposal was to tie me into the relationship as a few other suitors came up and he felt pretty threatened especially when they actually approach him to 'warn' him to treat me well. I am pretty amused.
What do u feel about this thinking of tying me down?
Another scenario was that two yrs plus back, I was nearly 'sexually abused' by a close friend. He was the third to know; because I expected what his reaction would be. He barked down the phone at me, text me scolding sms and told me if the friend succeeeded, I will never see him again. At that time, I really wonder if he's the victim or me. In case, u all are wondering if I have dressed very outrageously, nope, that night I wore bermudas and a big baggy T-shirt to go out for dinner with my friend.
Is that how all guys react when they know their gf was nearly 'sexually abused'?
Can anyone enlighten me?
huh? you fiance is a big jerk!
I think he proposed first because he wanted to "make you belong to him"... so you wont look at other men... It's like, i "chope" her first...
2ndly, if my gf was nearly sexually assaulted by a person, I would personally hunt him down and teach him a lesson! Why should my gf be scolded? it wasnt her fault... By the way, even if you were wearing nothing, nobody have the right to do anything to you...
You imagine this scenario, if you anything were to happen to you, would he stay by your side? Or he would leave... He's not faithful! Say you are married, something unfortunate happen, lets say you were sexually assaulted by someone, would he divorce you or what?
marriage is not that simple, you must really think if he is the one for you...
Get your studies out the way first, a must must. Are you sure you want to marry a guy like that .. ? He doesn't sound like the supportive type of guy
Yeah i think studies are important at this stage. I don't think you can rely on him to support you and in may turn out being the other way around. Get your degree and if any bad transgress (touch wood) at least you have your education to fall back upon.
As white says, marriage is about commitment from both parties, even if he feels he wants to get married, are you
1)ready to be tied to him exclusively?
2)do you see both of you having a future and growing old together?
love is blind, how true is this.. maybe its not even love, it is just a habit that you are still together. you refused to let go because you already gave too much.. let go while you still can.. its easy to say, but you need to take this step out..
"Although u have been joining me in my family and friends gatherings, but you aren't considered family or important to me. The reason is I haven't marry u yet"
How can you marry a guy who says such things ah ? . I would of ditched him long ago
Originally posted by shuibianni05:Yup; I get ur point.
Actually there's a scenario I wanted to consult u guys - I presume u all are guys?
Two yrs back, his proposal was to tie me into the relationship as a few other suitors came up and he felt pretty threatened especially when they actually approach him to 'warn' him to treat me well. I am pretty amused.
What do u feel about this thinking of tying me down?
Another scenario was that two yrs plus back, I was nearly 'sexually abused' by a close friend. He was the third to know; because I expected what his reaction would be. He barked down the phone at me, text me scolding sms and told me if the friend succeeeded, I will never see him again. At that time, I really wonder if he's the victim or me. In case, u all are wondering if I have dressed very outrageously, nope, that night I wore bermudas and a big baggy T-shirt to go out for dinner with my friend.
Is that how all guys react when they know their gf was nearly 'sexually abused'?
Can anyone enlighten me?
well tink he felt danger of losing u with the suitors u got so tat might prompt his actions... well some guys even performed the 'shotgun technique' to keep their partner... well tis is only my guess... he may tink differently.... but 1 thing is certain.. ur bf no confident type[prevent u go US to making rash marraige proposal]... plus hes pretty mcp too... well if gf nearly sexually abused will sure look at gf ok anot rather than tinking of breakup.... to sum up ur bf abit problem type... whether u wanna live like tis up to u...
Thanks! (",)
I guess that's what I wanted when that nearly 'fateful' incident happened two yrs plus ago.
Thinking on the bright side, he did have that mentality of confronting my friend half a year later.
Sad to say, he will never appreciate.
Foregoing my chances of overseas study and overseas work attachment, to him, it's something I should do in order to 'continue' this relationship. He felt there's always give and take; I have to give up all the opportunities in order to 'appreciate' his love.
To join in his family gatherings is something I should do because his bro-in-law also joins in their gatherings.
No matter how his family demands me to do things, demands things from me, including taking the pda I jus bought, I have to give in, including bearing all the non-sensical insults. FYI, they don't call my by name, they call me by my address - the block number. He doesn't stop them and felt it's ok that they call me that.
On the other hand, he seldom joins in my family gatherings; he doesn't come my place often either; reason, he's afraid my mum will grill her on how's treating me.
Funny?
He doesn't send me to my doorstep to make sure I am safe, no matter how late it is, he send me to the block beside mine. Reason - He said he's lazy and tired. On the bright side, there's at least an 'improvement'. He used to jus drop me off at the carpark and I walked back myself, my block isn't connected to the carpark; it could be 4am, but still, ps walk back urself.
My 5 years-old niece cried and insists on buying a soft toy, costing 20 bucks, when we brought her out, he said she's a spoilt brat, that we all spoilt her rotten because her parents had passed away in an accident. FYI, my sis and bro-in-law died in a car accident when my niece was still young.
But, his 13yr old bro, cries and shouts and screams and jumps up and down when we don't get him the whole series of game cards, costing about 50 bucks, he said my bro is only 13 yrs old, he's still young, he's not spoilt, jus young, not matured yet, don't know how to think.
Are all guys like that? Or mine is just simply a 'special case'?
I do feel scare; not whether he'll leave or not, but are really all guys like that? I do have a phobia~~
its special case alright...
his family important.... your family worth nothing....
There are way better guys out there...
Originally posted by shuibianni05:Thanks! (",)
I guess that's what I wanted when that nearly 'fateful' incident happened two yrs plus ago.
Thinking on the bright side, he did have that mentality of confronting my friend half a year later.
Sad to say, he will never appreciate.
Foregoing my chances of overseas study and overseas work attachment, to him, it's something I should do in order to 'continue' this relationship. He felt there's always give and take; I have to give up all the opportunities in order to 'appreciate' his love.
To join in his family gatherings is something I should do because his bro-in-law also joins in their gatherings.
No matter how his family demands me to do things, demands things from me, including taking the pda I jus bought, I have to give in, including bearing all the non-sensical insults. FYI, they don't call my by name, they call me by my address - the block number. He doesn't stop them and felt it's ok that they call me that.
On the other hand, he seldom joins in my family gatherings; he doesn't come my place often either; reason, he's afraid my mum will grill her on how's treating me.
Funny?
He doesn't send me to my doorstep to make sure I am safe, no matter how late it is, he send me to the block beside mine. Reason - He said he's lazy and tired. On the bright side, there's at least an 'improvement'. He used to jus drop me off at the carpark and I walked back myself, my block isn't connected to the carpark; it could be 4am, but still, ps walk back urself.
My 5 years-old niece cried and insists on buying a soft toy, costing 20 bucks, when we brought her out, he said she's a spoilt brat, that we all spoilt her rotten because her parents had passed away in an accident. FYI, my sis and bro-in-law died in a car accident when my niece was still young.
But, his 13yr old bro, cries and shouts and screams and jumps up and down when we don't get him the whole series of game cards, costing about 50 bucks, he said my bro is only 13 yrs old, he's still young, he's not spoilt, jus young, not matured yet, don't know how to think.
Are all guys like that? Or mine is just simply a 'special case'?
I do feel scare; not whether he'll leave or not, but are really all guys like that? I do have a phobia~~
nope definitely not all guys r like tat... if all the talk fails, u reali should lose this guy.... hes not worth it.... better ones out there[wif a better family too]...