Rekindling extinguished flame
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Been in this relationship for 6+ years. Both of us cant bear to let go, but he is not confident to carry on as well. For the past 2 months, we have been running in circles - trying to let go and trying to carry on.
At the beginning, we were happy and things were rosy. However, unhappiness built up from a few serious quarrels and many small issues. Things become boring, but I am contented, thinking that we will end up together no matter wat, trusting in him, in me, in us.
Things started to go wiry 2 months back due to his work stress and some other fundamental issues between us. And yes, it has dragged for 2 months and mushroomed into a bigger problem. He started to wonder if we will be happy together as we are of different wavelength (meaning we don't share the same jokes). Worst of all, he has a female colleague whom he can really click with and I made him realise that she has feelings for him. He cant helped comparing me with her and his feelings for her has developed as well. Due to circumstances, he knows that it is impossible for them, but he can't help thinking to try out with her. It makes it harder as he sees her everyday.
I have asked him to give us a chance till end of this year. Can this extinguished flame be rekindled? Is his feeling for me dormant somewhere and I will be able to find it back?
Or should I just let go this relationship of 6 years? He told me that he still feel regretful when we last decided to let go (which was last thur).
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what do u wan to do ?
u said u help him realised his feelings for his colleague, but what about urself ?
do u wan to keep this r/s of 6 years because of the "6 years" or because you are still in love with him ?
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I want to help him find back his feeling for me within this 4+ months. To rekindle the flame from what's left.
I am still in love with him and miss him a lot. The 6 years play a part as well i guess.
And I don't know how to move on....
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dont let fear cripple yourself.
since he has already expressed his indecisiveness with regards to your r/s, why not take this as a break and take a step back to reevaluate yourself and him ?
after all, would you really want to force him to stay with you, despite knowing that his feelings had strayed and are wavering as of now ?
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I am afraid that if I let go I will lose his forever.
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for a r/s.. its not only you that has to hold on to make it work. he must also be able to cherish you and the r/s.
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But he is willing for us to try again till end of the year. Am I fooling myself?
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this i cannot tell you...
you have to think of the answer for yourself...
whether is it worth to give yourself and him another 6 mths to try it out and have no regrets ?
or whether is it good to let go now and spend some time with yourself and your family and friends and check out how's life without him ?
sometimes taking a step back might result in moving forward. Yes there are risks and uncertainties involved.
but sometimes, living life is about... trying and hoping.
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Sigh. I guess no one has the answer.
There was actually once in the past 2 months that he set his mind to quit his job so that he will stop thinking about the girl. It was my stupid idea to tell him not to quit and put us to the test.
I can tell that he is trying too. Like I have asked for him to take leave for us to spend time together and he has agreed. So, maybe there's hope still. The evil hearted me is hoping that he will want to quit again, but the chance is slim cuz he is doing well there.
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He is torn between you and that girl.
Well, what will be, will be. If his love for you has already faded...then nothing you do can actually bring him back...
Well, no harm trying I guess...bring him to places that both of you liked to go in the past...that both of you used to visit during your first few dates...and see if you can still remember the feelings you had for each other during those precious moments...
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He can't answer me when I ask him if he still loves me. He still cares about me though. Heand the girl have not developed into love yet. And in his mind, he knows that it is impossible to be with her.
Is it really true that once the love has faded, nothing can bring him back?
Yes, that is my last resort - to reminisce the past.
It is gonna be a tough 6 months for me.
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You still love him? He still love you?
Love should harbour no evil tots.
Love itself should be simple and innocent no matter how long the r/s is.
We don't learn to love the faults of our love ones, instead we stick around to compensate the faults of our love one.
It's like there's a hole on the floor. You don't stare at it and expect it to mend by itself. Get some cement and spread on the hole to mend it. Everyone of us can be the flawed floor and everyone can be the man who mend the floor. No one is perfect but love for each other will make us perfect.
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6 yrs ! deep.. give it a shot man.
what u got to lose..
if in his mind is impossible with that other girl, then its ur chance lo.. if u really want to be with him. 6 yrs is long.. can get married liaw. The longer u let it without doing anything.. its just gonna fade off, and by the time u really want to, it will be too late.. or either that , ur relationship and his may become complicated and nobody wins.. well at least in terms of getting back together that is.
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That's what I thought too. Been 6 years liao, wat's another 4.5 months.
I will really cherish this if I ever get it back. It's really bad that we only cherish things when they are no longer there.
Thanks Maro and guys for giving me the strength to do this. I need this and I think I will come back for more. It's an uphill task when the other party has lost the confident.
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The love is not strong enough, espeically on his side, so easily swayed by new blosom flower. I think he is not even right to fall in Love in the first place when he cannot even withstand the test of time, that is why, relationship should not last so long, typically within 2-3 years a couple should get marry, and begin another new chapter in life, if not very boring and mostly, for guys with flowering heart, he will be very easily tempted for another gal when another one come along.
Well, its ok, you are not overly committed yet, but to my 6 senses, you stand only 20% of rekindle and the percent is getting smaller as the months goes by. take care. The next time you fall in Love, learn and be ready.
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Yea it is true...research has shown that it is best that couples should get married once they have dated for around 3 years cos that is the peak time for them to move into the next chapter of life. Longer than that, the relationship will go downhill and become stale rather quickly ><
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I left out an event which happened...
Last Monday:
He decided to talk to the girl and told her that it is impossible between them, even though the girl did not express her feelings to him openly. It was then that he knows for certain of her feelings (my prediction was right) and she too agreed that it is impossible for them to be together. I met up with him after that and we decided to try again.
Sunday:
He confessed to me that he had dinner with her alone on Wednesday after working OT. Even though he tells himself not to have anything to do with her outside work, he just can't help asking her to join him for dinner. At the dinner, he confessed to her that the feeling is mutual but he is still trying out with me instead.
Up till now, he is still giving us a chance though he has no confident as he will think about trying out with her. And having that thought makes him feel guilty towards me.
We have been meeting up and will be taking leave on Friday to spend time alone.
Is it possible for us to ever get through this and have a happily ever after ending?
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Originally posted by Extinguished:
I left out an event which happened...
Last Monday:
He decided to talk to the girl and told her that it is impossible between them, even though the girl did not express her feelings to him openly. It was then that he knows for certain of her feelings (my prediction was right) and she too agreed that it is impossible for them to be together. I met up with him after that and we decided to try again.
Sunday:
He confessed to me that he had dinner with her alone on Wednesday after working OT. Even though he tells himself not to have anything to do with her outside work, he just can't help asking her to join him for dinner. At the dinner, he confessed to her that the feeling is mutual but he is still trying out with me instead.
Up till now, he is still giving us a chance though he has no confident as he will think about trying out with her. And having that thought makes him feel guilty towards me.
We have been meeting up and will be taking leave on Friday to spend time alone.
Is it possible for us to ever get through this and have a happily ever after ending?
As long as he still harbors some hope that it might work out with the other girl, he will never be able to dedicate 100% of himself to trying to work out the relationship with you. In a way, he is also trying to see whether it will work out with the other girl.
So as long as he has feelings for the other girl, I am afraid it is not going to work out...
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I have finally realised that it was partly my fault that our r/s of 6 years will come to this which is why there is now spare room for another gal in his heart.
I have admitted all these to him last night and told him that I have accepted the fact that his heart has strayed. However, I am willing to wait for his feeling for that gal to fade, as long as he does not shut me out completely.
As long as his feelings for that gal does not develop further, I may stand a chance.
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Originally posted by Extinguished:
I have finally realised that it was partly my fault that our r/s of 6 years will come to this which is why there is now spare room for another gal in his heart.
I have admitted all these to him last night and told him that I have accepted the fact that his heart has strayed. However, I am willing to wait for his feeling for that gal to fade, as long as he does not shut me out completely.
As long as his feelings for that gal does not develop further, I may stand a chance.
Why do you say it is your fault? care to elaborate further? -
sigh. Me being egoistic, stubborn, unwilling to give in (sometimes even when he has apologise), unwilling to admit my mistake and apologize...
wants to be treated like a queen and be showered with attention. haha. Think that guys should take the initiative and I never take the initiative to call him.
I caused my own destruction now and am regretting it. Hopefully it's not too late.
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Originally posted by Extinguished:
sigh. Me being egoistic, stubborn, unwilling to give in (sometimes even when he has apologise), unwilling to admit my mistake and apologize...
wants to be treated like a queen and be showered with attention. haha. Think that guys should take the initiative and I never take the initiative to call him.
I caused my own destruction now and am regretting it. Hopefully it's not too late.
At least you realize your mistake now.Well, just try your best..at least both of you are honest with one another. Just tell him if one day, he feels that his feelings for the girl kept growing until he has no place for you in his heart anymore, tell you as soon as possible so that you can move on.
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Originally posted by Extinguished:
Been in this relationship for 6+ years. Both of us cant bear to let go, but he is not confident to carry on as well. For the past 2 months, we have been running in circles - trying to let go and trying to carry on.
At the beginning, we were happy and things were rosy. However, unhappiness built up from a few serious quarrels and many small issues. Things become boring, but I am contented, thinking that we will end up together no matter wat, trusting in him, in me, in us.
Things started to go wiry 2 months back due to his work stress and some other fundamental issues between us. And yes, it has dragged for 2 months and mushroomed into a bigger problem. He started to wonder if we will be happy together as we are of different wavelength (meaning we don't share the same jokes). Worst of all, he has a female colleague whom he can really click with and I made him realise that she has feelings for him. He cant helped comparing me with her and his feelings for her has developed as well. Due to circumstances, he knows that it is impossible for them, but he can't help thinking to try out with her. It makes it harder as he sees her everyday.
I have asked him to give us a chance till end of this year. Can this extinguished flame be rekindled? Is his feeling for me dormant somewhere and I will be able to find it back?
Or should I just let go this relationship of 6 years? He told me that he still feel regretful when we last decided to let go (which was last thur).
A three-nation research on divorce and separation was done last year and it was noted that an accumulation of daily trivial affairs are cited as the main cause of the failure in marriage and relationship.
Hence, those who had victory in marriage would have mastered interpersonal skills that allowed them to manage and compromise annoying daily issues that builds up over time, which maliciously seeks to oxidize and decay the core foundation of the very Love one have constructed.
People might envy such lengthy relationship, but the measure of relationship must always be qualitative and how relative it is to our personal growth, and not mere quantitative figures of how long the couple has been together or absolute assumption that a relationship gets better with age or ultimately leads to marriage and happily ever after.
Like the once-glorious Tang dynasty, which too crumble eventually; is there a reason so attractive that this ailing six years relationship is still relevant, in both of your reality, by being together?
Your six-year affair would amount to nothing, if the relationship is basically inane, mechanical and obligatory. A kiss is but mere touching of lips if the emotional component is missing. For one’s happiness in Love does not depend entirely on who you are with, but rather, the true rationale of breathing the relationship must be certain and burned into staunch conviction into our love beliefs.
The longer the relationship… the longer the race… the easier it is to be eliminated by stress and deranged circumstances.
Testing your relationship artificially is an immature way in problem-solving. Your relationship is already ‘constantly being tested’ via Love cosmic lessons – your artificial interference only suggest additional plunging of blades into the back of your relationship and damaging it further. It does not, unfortunately, improve your situations, other than bringing it closer to death.Examine your relationship in-depth first and decide if there’s still a reason for the relationship to continue. Same goes for your man. Take one problem at a time. Tackle the immediate issues first - the decision with regards to the other woman, if he should quit his job, etc. Then seek to work out the internal comms, expectation and behaviour within the relationship as your second concern. Finally, you can preview and reiterate critical values and beliefs, once you have re-establish foothold onto your Love, so as to ensure longevity of your relationship.
Cheers