Irrational push and pull effect
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I have been going with my man for nearly two years. When I first saw him, it was love at first sight. While he didn't fall in love with me at first sight, he eventually came to love me very, very much. Probably even more than what I do. We were happy together till recently. We have been planning to get married. But now neither of us dare to mention the words "getting married". I have been losing my temper at him easily. I get mad at him over silly things like he going to sleep before me.
My anger is quick to rise, but it dissipates just as quickly. After the anger is gone, all I am left is a cold, sinking sense of regret that incapacitates me. I will regret so intensely, I get sharp stomache pains as I keep asking myself why did I get upset over something so useless and minor?
Recently, there was a death in my family. Whilst my relative was in hospital, my man did not come to visit her. He only came when I avoided his calls and SMSes for two days. I was angry with him for choosing to attend some girl's graduation over coming over to visit my dying relative. When he called me that evening, he tried to tell me about his day. I cut him off saying that I wasn't interested. In my mind all I could see what how he was having a frolicking good time with some unnamed girl while I was alone facing dark times.
He reiterated that he DID NOT enjoy himself and was called into the event against his will. I am less angry over that now as I was a few weeks back. My anger spurred from my belief that he had fun. Note, it was MY belief that he had fun. The truth did not, and hardly mean anything to me. All I believe is what I think is true.
I wonder why I do not believe him. Not that he has been untrustworthy or ever had something to hide. I seem desperate to find something, some crack in his armour. But I DO draw the line at reading his emails and all other private data.
Deep in my heart, and when I am fervently regretting after losing my temper, I do know that he is a fine man. A man with a gentle, kind heart and patience. A man who never dreamt about leaving me even when I am at my worst. A man who all my friends and family love so much. I crave his company and his presence all time. I choke up as I write these words. I do not hate my man, but why do I treat him with such malice?
Perhaps it will be worthy to share this other incident. A year ago, my man and I met with a mishap at sea. We were having fun dashing under the waves and jumping in the water when the tide rose suddenly and a riptide pulled us further out into deeper waters. I clung onto my man's hand tightly, telling him to stick together. But the waves crashed on us relentlessly. He was knocked towards shore by a swollen wave, while I sunk under. When I miraculously floated to the surface, I saw him getting rescued by a surfer some hundred metres ahead of me. I screamed till I went hoarse for him to not leave me behind, to save me. But he was too far to help me or save me.
With that realisation, I employed all my art to keeping alive. Soon enough, I managed to get the attention of some surfers and got rescued. I came back to shore wailing rather hoarsely how my man left me to die. I know he did not leave me to die, he had no choice. But I used that notion to fuel me and keep me alive while facing the rough sea, literally. A year after, I harbour no hate or disgruntlement towards him. But I wonder if it has any impact on the appearance of my irrational behaviour? Or maybe it is nothing so far drawn, perhaps it is just plain bad attitude on my part. But I must emphasise that I was never like that before.
I am in between jobs. I have been immensely stressed by my current job and planning to move to another. I am trying to secure another job, but it is hard as the market is soft.
I am feeling the urgency to get to the root of this vile emotional affliction. even the most patient man will break. My man is getting worn out. Perhaps like other people out there, I am living in fear too. I fear losing him. I fear that I will drown in the regret because I KNOW if he leaves me, it is because of me, my stinking attitude and pride.
As I mentioned before, even when I am at my worst, my man never brought up the notion of going separate ways. He believes in being content with what he has and that the next relationship he gets into may not be as good as what he has now. Is he living in fear? Or is he stoic?
Please tell me what to do. How can I save my relationship?
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i think you need some zen, zen always works, especially for your case
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wow. well written.
you know the roots of your problem. yet instead of changing, you came here to seek help.
Not wanting to be on the offense... but what can we do to help you ? Except lend a ear to your tale ?
I can tell that you really dread losing the relationship and want to do something to keep it going...
But desire is different from commitment.
If you want something, you have to commit to getting it. Even in relationships.
Taking the first step...such as apologising to him and making him feel appreciated... could be a good start.
And if you are as stubborn as I think you are, maybe seeking professional couple counselling could be a good idea..
Good luck.
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I am stupid and I will not do it again.
Sorry yunnie
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Originally posted by Focors:
CAN U STOP SPAMMING THE DAMN LINK ? IN EVERY THREAD YOU POST ?
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Originally posted by Focors:
Please don't advertise any stupid personal site. -
Its a good start that you considered his feelings and wanted to change. Have you tried talking to him? Instead of giving excuses to justify yourself (like being stressed), perhaps you should address your own insecurities.
Think about it, what do you exactly want from this relationship? His attention?
And what does he want? Your understanding?
Its hard to find a man with lots of patience, but do you want to spend a lifetime with him? It seems that you're taking him for granted, hence the change of attitude. Are you too proud to apologise?
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TS,
Well-written, indeed.
As Ferrie meimei had pointed out, you've managed to identified some of the problems - and it is up to you if you want to change for the better to salvage what's left of this relationship.
I believe the root of those problem is your misguided expectations that led to many disappointments, also frustration. Whenever we become disappointed with our relationships and partners, we are guilty of allowing ourselves to become so caught up with our expectations, that we forget that it takes 2 different people, with 2 different sets of expectations to create a relationship.
The best advice for whenever a relationship goes awry is to take a step back and analyze the situation; if something's not working well, something must be wrong. People always tend to set higher expectations in their partners, than those we place on ourselves; setting the stage for our own weaknesses to surface, but not accepting others' weaknesses.
I'm a firm believer of an old adage "that in order for two to walk together, they must first agree." Time to find some common ground and co-exist and learn to be fair to your man; The first step to happiness is acceptance - and when you know how to accept, I promise you that you'd feel no negative emotions with your relationship no more!
For someone who wrote well, I believe I've said enough. Good luck, TS, good luck.
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i would dump you like a rock too hot to hold....you may realise your own failings, particularly your awful temper...what you don't know is how a man feels whenever his bitch throws a hissy fit.....i've been through one and it was hell....i don't know what or how you can better yourself but if you want to know how a man feels, i can honestly tell you it sucks really bad...if you get a chance, record yourself when you go though one of those hormonal imbalance fits and review it afterwards, you'll want to dig a hole to crawl into.......
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Well-written.
I can only say...since U know where is your problem...make the effort to change...cos no matter how good-natured a person is...he/she will have a limit.
Hopefully U havent crossed that limit.
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your man ain't being stoic neither is he living in fear. he's just being realistic and mature. he knows how to appreciate what he has in front of him. you on the other hand are taking advantage of him. you try to dominate the r/s because you know that he wouldn't leave you. but as you said, even the most patient man will break. you know it yourself. so why put your 'perfect man' through all these agony
wisen up and treasure what you have in front of you. don't regret when its gone -
Originally posted by PurplePapaya:
My anger is quick to rise, but it dissipates just as quickly. After the anger is gone, all I am left is a cold, sinking sense of regret that incapacitates me.
All I believe is what I think is true.
Deep in my heart, and when I am fervently regretting after losing my temper, I do know that he is a fine man. I do not hate my man, but why do I treat him with such malice?
I am feeling the urgency to get to the root of this vile emotional affliction. even the most patient man will break.
I fear that I will drown in the regret because I KNOW if he leaves me, it is because of me, my stinking attitude and pride.
As I mentioned before, even when I am at my worst, my man never brought up the notion of going separate ways.
I really like the way you express yourself :)
Imho as relationships progress, people get comfortable, and there is lesser need in holding back at the slightest hint of sentiment (usually resentment). 2 years in sounds just about right for these things to surface.
Since you have no qualms about this guy being the right man and he sounds pretty much perfect, imho, these feelings have a lot to do with your basic personality. Largely insecurities.
Are you quick tempered in your day to day living? At work and with your folks? Or is it just with him?
It's so easy to expect the worst in those we love, helps cushion the blow when disappointment sets in or when your man don't measure up. That is, if you're the type who find it easier to doubt than it is to believe in him.
You'll be looking for the negatives.
Take some time off to figure out what you'd rather have. One shot at life with the man you love, or settling on that dirty comfort of fear.
Cheer up dear. Wish I can read your blog, but that's another matter altogether. Hehehe...
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"My anger is quick to rise, but it dissipates just as quickly. After the anger is gone, all I am left is a cold, sinking sense of regret that incapacitates me. I will regret so intensely, I get sharp stomache pains as I keep asking myself why did I get upset over something so useless and minor?"
This is the fix you are after, this you your addiction.
Not to worry, there is nothing wrong with you. Humans are inherently evil. Evil arises naturally, the good must be build up.
You just need to identify the scourge within yourself. Dwell on it, isolate it, and identify it. Give it a label or a name (like N'ger or Angie). Everytime the evil starts acting up, identify it by name and quell it. Practice and you have it under control, but not eradicate it. Simultaneously you must practice the good in you. No guarantee of a happy life, but a better chance at it.
Life is neither bad or good, but you can choose which one you want to dwell on. Most people dwell on bad by default.
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Originally posted by Ferret:
wow. well written.
you know the roots of your problem. yet instead of changing, you came here to seek help.
Not wanting to be on the offense... but what can we do to help you ? Except lend a ear to your tale ?
I can tell that you really dread losing the relationship and want to do something to keep it going...
But desire is different from commitment.
If you want something, you have to commit to getting it. Even in relationships.
Taking the first step...such as apologising to him and making him feel appreciated... could be a good start.
And if you are as stubborn as I think you are, maybe seeking professional couple counselling could be a good idea..
Good luck.
I'm with Ferret on this. If he is important enough to you...
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Originally posted by mancha:
Life is neither bad or good, but you can choose which one you want to dwell on. Most people dwell on bad by default.
Yep mancha's analysis is pretty close to how I feel about your case. Minus the mind control bit.
No matter what, don't be cowed. Go girl!
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Originally posted by PurplePapaya:
I have been going with my man for nearly two years. When I first saw him, it was love at first sight. While he didn't fall in love with me at first sight, he eventually came to love me very, very much. Probably even more than what I do. We were happy together till recently. We have been planning to get married. But now neither of us dare to mention the words "getting married". I have been losing my temper at him easily. I get mad at him over silly things like he going to sleep before me.
My anger is quick to rise, but it dissipates just as quickly. After the anger is gone, all I am left is a cold, sinking sense of regret that incapacitates me. I will regret so intensely, I get sharp stomache pains as I keep asking myself why did I get upset over something so useless and minor?
Recently, there was a death in my family. Whilst my relative was in hospital, my man did not come to visit her. He only came when I avoided his calls and SMSes for two days. I was angry with him for choosing to attend some girl's graduation over coming over to visit my dying relative. When he called me that evening, he tried to tell me about his day. I cut him off saying that I wasn't interested. In my mind all I could see what how he was having a frolicking good time with some unnamed girl while I was alone facing dark times.
He reiterated that he DID NOT enjoy himself and was called into the event against his will. I am less angry over that now as I was a few weeks back. My anger spurred from my belief that he had fun. Note, it was MY belief that he had fun. The truth did not, and hardly mean anything to me. All I believe is what I think is true.
I wonder why I do not believe him. Not that he has been untrustworthy or ever had something to hide. I seem desperate to find something, some crack in his armour. But I DO draw the line at reading his emails and all other private data.
Deep in my heart, and when I am fervently regretting after losing my temper, I do know that he is a fine man. A man with a gentle, kind heart and patience. A man who never dreamt about leaving me even when I am at my worst. A man who all my friends and family love so much. I crave his company and his presence all time. I choke up as I write these words. I do not hate my man, but why do I treat him with such malice?
Perhaps it will be worthy to share this other incident. A year ago, my man and I met with a mishap at sea. We were having fun dashing under the waves and jumping in the water when the tide rose suddenly and a riptide pulled us further out into deeper waters. I clung onto my man's hand tightly, telling him to stick together. But the waves crashed on us relentlessly. He was knocked towards shore by a swollen wave, while I sunk under. When I miraculously floated to the surface, I saw him getting rescued by a surfer some hundred metres ahead of me. I screamed till I went hoarse for him to not leave me behind, to save me. But he was too far to help me or save me.
With that realisation, I employed all my art to keeping alive. Soon enough, I managed to get the attention of some surfers and got rescued. I came back to shore wailing rather hoarsely how my man left me to die. I know he did not leave me to die, he had no choice. But I used that notion to fuel me and keep me alive while facing the rough sea, literally. A year after, I harbour no hate or disgruntlement towards him. But I wonder if it has any impact on the appearance of my irrational behaviour? Or maybe it is nothing so far drawn, perhaps it is just plain bad attitude on my part. But I must emphasise that I was never like that before.
I am in between jobs. I have been immensely stressed by my current job and planning to move to another. I am trying to secure another job, but it is hard as the market is soft.
I am feeling the urgency to get to the root of this vile emotional affliction. even the most patient man will break. My man is getting worn out. Perhaps like other people out there, I am living in fear too. I fear losing him. I fear that I will drown in the regret because I KNOW if he leaves me, it is because of me, my stinking attitude and pride.
As I mentioned before, even when I am at my worst, my man never brought up the notion of going separate ways. He believes in being content with what he has and that the next relationship he gets into may not be as good as what he has now. Is he living in fear? Or is he stoic?
Please tell me what to do. How can I save my relationship?
I just came back home and is fringing tired. But I felt that I just had to reply to this:There are different shades of attitude in Love and although your attitude might seemed to fall under the irony principle of love (CloUdism states irony as the closer you are to a person, the lesser he/she will receive in positive treatment) or even superficial issues like expectation and demands; imho, it's more likely that it belongs to an episode of an unresolved knot (from the day you were nearly drowned) that is subconsciously triggering this periodic burst-fire.
As much as you would believe that you harbor no hatred or resentment towards him - the truth is that this knot is crystallized after the day you felt abandoned by him. You must understand that the realm of the mind and the heart rationalize situation differently. In the complex world of emotions, the feelings are often concluded through clouded judgement of irrationality that does not calculate returns at any given point of situation. Remarkably, this is the direct opposite of how the mind would function.
Like a cake, albeit the icing of hatred and resentment are neutralized through logical analysis of the actual circumstances, but your emotions have not been mollify through deep communication and left to decompose the core within. You probably have not had a real dialogue about this or even cried your heart out in a open-ended fashion to dissolve this knot, like how heat is applied to ice - thus it's probably still there and likely to manifest as latent effect. I will show you how:
You mentioned that you were never like that before and wondered why - this is a clear suggestion that much of this grievances were pushed into the unconscious mind forcefully (from the time you were wailing at the beach), only to flashback occasionally towards scenario that seemed to mimic situations of abandonment or suggestive disloyalty (the truth of intention doesn't matter). Every time that connection is made, your unconscious mind overwhelmed your emotions and automatically amplifies your woe astronomically to justify the execution of rage and anger.
Only when you regain control consciously, would peace arrive.
And so does the guilt.
When ill feelings solidify over time, it degenerate your relationship and becomes difficult to eradicate specifically.
***
I will breakdown what I meant above through one simple example you have wrote:Scenario: Angry over him sleeping before you
Symbolic action: Emotional mind read as self before Love.
Flashblack: Abandonment at sea, too, read as self before Love.
Connection is established
Cosmic lesson is triggered: Examination revealed lessons not mastered and result in reiteration.
Behaviour: Rage.
Conscious mind resumed control:
Behaviour: rationalized calm returns.
*** If you study the above flow, the ability to manipulate lies with the cosmic lesson phase. Because how you manage this learning, adjust the way you set your perception and attitude towards any random situation and allow you the opportunity to avoid triggering them.But in order to do that, you probably need to first trash out all the unspoken thoughts and feelings you have when you were assailed with thoughts of abandonment by him at the mishap. For the trashing session to be effectively, you would need to release everything completely - so drop all motes of rationality, regardless of how unreasonable you think you would be; just open floodgate and release.
Then after laying down everything, clarify what you need to and mend your relationship by forging new cause and direction.
Sometimes in Love, appeasing the mind is not enough - your heart might need some comfort and assuring.
P.S: Latent effect can be destructive. You might just end up losing your man if you continue in this manner; might as well learn to create a new path by transgressing status quo and advance forward.
Cheers
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Originally posted by mancha:
Evil arises naturally, the good must be build up.
You just need to identify the scourge within yourself. Dwell on it, isolate it, and identify it. Give it a label or a name (like N'ger or Angie). Everytime the evil starts
Is that an "I" between the N & G?
Jokes aside, I'd still love to believe that people are innately good
Please, tell me we have a good nature, else the 2nd flood shall come 
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Originally posted by Yunhaier: I just came back home and is fringing tired. But I felt that I just had to reply to this:
There are different shades of attitude in Love and although your attitude might seemed to fall under the irony principle of love (CloUdism states irony as the closer you are to a person, the lesser he/she will receive in positive treatment) or even superficial issues like expectation and demands; imho, it's more likely that it belongs to an episode of an unresolved knot (from the day you were nearly drowned) that is subconsciously triggering this periodic burst-fire.
As much as you would believe that you harbor no hatred or resentment towards him - the truth is that this knot is crystallized after the day you felt abandoned by him. You must understand that the realm of the mind and the heart rationalize situation differently. In the complex world of emotions, the feelings are often concluded through clouded judgement of irrationality that does not calculate returns at any given point of situation. Remarkably, this is the direct opposite of how the mind would function.
Like a cake, albeit the icing of hatred and resentment are neutralized through logical analysis of the actual circumstances, but your emotions have not been mollify through deep communication and left to decompose the core within. You probably have not had a real dialogue about this or even cried your heart out in a open-ended fashion to dissolve this knot, like how heat is applied to ice - thus it's probably still there and likely to manifest as latent effect. I will show you how:
You mentioned that you were never like that before and wondered why - this is a clear suggestion that much of this grievances were pushed into the unconscious mind forcefully (from the time you were wailing at the beach), only to flashback occasionally towards scenario that seemed to mimic situations of abandonment or suggestive disloyalty (the truth of intention doesn't matter). Every time that connection is made, your unconscious mind overwhelmed your emotions and automatically amplifies your woe astronomically to justify the execution of rage and anger.
Only when you regain control consciously, would peace arrive.
And so does the guilt.
When ill feelings solidify over time, it degenerate your relationship and becomes difficult to eradicate specifically.
***
I will breakdown what I meant above through one simple example you have wrote:Scenario: Angry over him sleeping before you
Symbolic action: Emotional mind read as self before Love.
Flashblack: Abandonment at sea, too, read as self before Love.
Connection is established
Cosmic lesson is triggered: Examination revealed lessons not mastered and result in reiteration.
Behaviour: Rage.
Conscious mind resumed control:
Behaviour: rationalized calm returns.
*** If you study the above flow, the ability to manipulate lies with the cosmic lesson phase. Because how you manage this learning, adjust the way you set your perception and attitude towards any random situation and allow you the opportunity to avoid triggering them.But in order to do that, you probably need to first trash out all the unspoken thoughts and feelings you have when you were assailed with thoughts of abandonment by him at the mishap. For the trashing session to be effectively, you would need to release everything completely - so drop all motes of rationality, regardless of how unreasonable you think you would be; just open floodgate and release.
Then after laying down everything, clarify what you need to and mend your relationship by forging new cause and direction.
Sometimes in Love, appeasing the mind is not enough - your heart might need some comfort and assuring.
P.S: Latent effect can be destructive. You might just end up losing your man if you continue in this manner; might as well learn to create a new path by transgressing status quo and advance forward.
Cheers
/Detached is humbled
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Originally posted by Detached:
Is that an "I" between the N & G?Jokes aside, I'd still love to believe that people are innately good
Please, tell me we have a good nature, else the 2nd flood shall come Ok we have a good nature.
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Your time in this relationship is up.
All you list about above are all the negatives.
Perhaps he didnt felt comfortable visiting ur relative in the hospital, just some wierd reason?
And, please dont dig too much into the surfing incident, literally no link.
I'm sorry, but
make your brian and heart work together for once. It might just work.
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Originally posted by Beautiful951:
Ok we have a good nature.
This whole discussion on whether if we're born good or bad proved to be futile; right now, our attention should be on TS. That was just some bad-timed humor, forgive me
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could it be that in the face of marriage you have doubts about whether he is the right one, most probably theres nothing bad about him its just you feeling insecure, like how some people when buying the electronic gadgets, they scrutinise it trying to find flaws althpugh they know that its the perfect fit, and they really want it.....its sort of your subconciousness trying to reassure you that this guy is right by doing a comfirmation check for any flaws + the stress you are facing making you short fused
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You seem like a person who acts on his/her emotions at the spur of the moment, as if your actions are out of the range of your control. Emotions are a good source of feedback, but are the least reliable guide for action. Regain intellectual control of yourself and don't act on your emotions. you seem to be engaged in self sabotaging behaviour too so this would be especially applicable for you.
Don't let your emotions guide your actions. Listen to your emotions, yes, then consciously choose the actions your rational self would think is best for you both.
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Overly emotional women simply turns off men, our patience always have a limit.
in fact, we fear them
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Dear PurplePapaya,
I've gone through what you wrote again. Allow me to give you my opinions using what you wrote. Do consider if any points seem valid and discard whatever doesn't applies to you.
Words in bold are my opinions and suggestions.
Originally posted by PurplePapaya:
I have been going with my man for nearly two years. When I first saw him, it was love at first sight. While he didn't fall in love with me at first sight, he eventually came to love me very, very much. Probably even more than what I do. We were happy together till recently. We have been planning to get married. But now neither of us dare to mention the words "getting married". I have been losing my temper at him easily. I get mad at him over silly things like he going to sleep before me.
My anger is quick to rise, but it dissipates just as quickly. After the anger is gone, all I am left is a cold, sinking sense of regret that incapacitates me. I will regret so intensely, I get sharp stomache pains as I keep asking myself why did I get upset over something so useless and minor?
Recently, there was a death in my family. Whilst my relative was in hospital, my man did not come to visit her. He only came when I avoided his calls and SMSes for two days. I was angry with him for choosing to attend some girl's graduation over coming over to visit my dying relative. When he called me that evening, he tried to tell me about his day. I cut him off saying that I wasn't interested (Prep him before any argument comes up again. During your logical and calm state of mind, tell him that whenever you are upset at him, explanation is the last thing you need from him. Tell him that he needs to understand that when you are upset, you are just caught up in your state of emotions. And regardless of what you say, it has nothing to do with him. He would be able to help you most by being patient and assuring and holding you there when you are upset. You would need him to be very sure of your love for him and TRUST that you are just going through a spate.) In my mind all I could see what how he was having a frolicking good time with some unnamed girl while I was alone facing dark times.
He reiterated that he DID NOT enjoy himself (You need him to withold his explanation until you have express out your upset feelings. As much as he has a valid reason, you also have a right to feel upset because you FEEL your emotions. This needs to be expressed before it fester. You NEED his help to be patient on this stance. Explanation should come later after you are done dealing with your upset feelings. Remember, upset feelings are not logical. Neither you nor your man should expect logic from that too.) and was called into the event against his will. I am less angry over that now as I was a few weeks back (This is after you had calmed down after venting out your upset feelings). My anger spurred from my belief (at that illogical emotional moment) that he had fun. Note, it was MY belief that he had fun. The truth did not, and hardly mean anything to me. All I believe is what I think is true.
I wonder why I do not believe him (at that moment ONLY; reassure yourself and him that it is TEMPORARY). Not that he has been untrustworthy or ever had something to hide. I seem desperate to find something, some crack in his armour. But I DO draw the line at reading his emails and all other private data.
Deep in my heart, and when I am fervently regretting after losing my temper, I do know that he is a fine man. A man with a gentle, kind heart and patience. A man who never dreamt about leaving me even when I am at my worst. A man who all my friends and family love so much. I crave his company and his presence all time. I choke up as I write these words. I do not hate my man, but why do I treat him with such malice? (You do not feel safe to express the more emotional side of you. You pride yourself as someone practical, logical and too smart for "unreasonable" emotions. However, the more you suppress yourself, the more your "unreasonable" emotions catch you by surprise because you deny that vulnerable part of you. Learn to accept that you need help at times. You have most probably been shamed into covering up your emotions during growing up and this has carried over into your adulthood as much as you don't think much of it. You might not have been aware anyway because the daily living and intricacies of life have absorbed most of your attention. You are stressed because you cannot let go and inevitably, it adds stress to your relationships. Ironically, the more that you try to accept everything with "grace", the more tense you get because you had not been able to truly "accept". Your body and emotions are telling you to relax by showing you signs. Learn to trust your man more and lean on him more. Do not think that you are a burden to anyone, because ironically, the more you try to "wing" everything, the worse of you surface. Paradoxically, the more you learn to let go, the more cheery part of you will emerge when you can trust that others will help, especially your man, and when you allow him to.)
Perhaps it will be worthy to share this other incident. A year ago, my man and I met with a mishap at sea. We were having fun dashing under the waves and jumping in the water when the tide rose suddenly and a riptide pulled us further out into deeper waters. I clung onto my man's hand tightly, telling him to stick together. But the waves crashed on us relentlessly. He was knocked towards shore by a swollen wave, while I sunk under. When I miraculously floated to the surface, I saw him getting rescued by a surfer some hundred metres ahead of me. I screamed till I went hoarse for him to not leave me behind, to save me. But he was too far to help me or save me.
With that realisation, I employed all my art to keeping alive. Soon enough, I managed to get the attention of some surfers and got rescued. I came back to shore wailing rather hoarsely how my man left me to die. I know he did not leave me to die, he had no choice. But I used that notion to fuel me and keep me alive while facing the rough sea, literally. A year after, I harbour no hate or disgruntlement towards him. But I wonder if it has any impact on the appearance of my irrational behaviour? Or maybe it is nothing so far drawn, perhaps it is just plain bad attitude on my part (your "logical" rationalizing is going to further add more stress to you if you have not come to realize that your outburst is natural. The more you force yourself to think that you had a bad attitude, the more guilty you feel. And the more guilty you feel, the more you deny your need to feel upset. And the more you deny, the more frequent or deeper your outburst. It's a vicious cycle unless you learn to identify the crux of the problem). But I must emphasise that I was never like that before.
I am in between jobs. I have been immensely stressed by my current job and planning to move to another. I am trying to secure another job, but it is hard as the market is soft.
I am feeling the urgency to get to the root of this vile emotional affliction. even the most patient man will break (people do tend to think the worst when they make no head nor tail of situation. That is why understanding is so important. When it is all clear that no malice is involved, people will tend to be very giving instead). My man is getting worn out. Perhaps like other people out there, I am living in fear too (the "unexplainable" situation leaves you more and more drained and more and more insecure as your logical brain finds no "logical" answer to all that has happened). I fear losing him. I fear that I will drown in the regret because I KNOW if he leaves me, it is because of me, my stinking attitude and pride.
As I mentioned before, even when I am at my worst, my man never brought up the notion of going separate ways. He believes in being content with what he has and that the next relationship he gets into may not be as good as what he has now. Is he living in fear? Or is he stoic? (I think it is wiser to focus on yourself first rather than thinking about everyone around you. Only when you are assured, relaxed and able to put your trust and ACCEPT THE LOVE and help from your loved ones do your loved ones really benefit at all. Do not be bashful about asking for help too. Sometimes it's not that your guy is not willing to help, it's just that you did not ask him and he didn't know. Do not feel ashamed or any less loved because you do so. Ask as MUCH as you NEED. Allow yourself to be indulged, pampered, cuddled and loved).
Please tell me what to do. How can I save my relationship? (Focus on yourself first. Pamper yourself a little even in face of all uncertainties. ALLOW yourself to TRUST your man since you did mention that deep in your heart, you know that he is a fine man. It's not just enough knowing. Did you show it with your trust too?)
Disclaimer: the above is not a replacement for professional counselling.