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HELP! Please read: Is she cheating?

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  • sggalgal's Avatar
    16 posts since May '12
    • Hey guys,

      Hopefully i can find my answers here.. I am really confused right now. Recently, my girlfriend of 3.5 years started changing after knowing a malaysian guy at her workplace.

      Here is a start: When she started working at that place in woodlands, she came to know a malaysian guy which she called sissy sam. Recently, she changed alot and it is really making me feel unsettled.

      1. She jumps to that guy's defence when i said he is a sissy while we are talking (She is the one that told me that guy is a sissy and a gigolo). She also keeps mentioning that guy so often until i am so pissed. I also saw photo in her phone which they took together closely side by side while she is scrolling through the gallery.

      2. She dolls up alot more often. She suddenly started wearing heavy make up as well as donning really short skirts. I also caught her washing those really sexy lingerie which she only wore when we have intimate couple moments (told me that it made her very 'high' and make her go into the mood for sex). When confronted, she said that she ran out of underwear to wear. (Thats complete bullshit). She refuse to wear it when we had sex during the past few months even after i told her to. She claims it is uncomfortable!

      3. She brought clothes for that malaysian guy as well as me. She told me that the clothes was a gift from her mum (Lying). She even show a great deal of concern about the fit of clothes on the malaysian guy and asked for pics of the malaysian guys wearing them while she did not even asked about mine. ( found out when i snooped through her message). I did not even know that the malaysian guy has it as well!

      4. She refuses to have sex as well as rejecting my sexual advance. She had also stopped initiating sex and physical contact. She claimed that she wants to be a good girl and wait till marriage. Seriously?

      5. She asked that guy out a couple of times (she did not even asked me out for the past few months. We only go out when i asked to)and that malaysian guy even asked her to go jb with him. This is how the conversation went:

      Guy: we go jb do tgt lah (facial or smth)

      Her: Need ask my mum first worx

      Guy: Lie to your mum and say going with bf (me) lah.

      Her: going with new bf lo!  haha. :). 

      Guy: I know u kidding la. i know we impossible de

      Her: Sometimes impossible de stuffs also can happen de.

      What the heck is she trying to pull here??? Can someone enlighten me?They also chatted frequently through the night and plan outing tgt while i am sleeping. (Snooped her messages). We have been tgt for 3.5 years alry.. She wont even go to chalet with me but want to go jb with him??

      6. My gf started asking me wierd question such as if she could go out with her friends or anything. Why would she even ask that? Trying to make herself feel better for going out with that 'friend' of hers?

      7. When we go out, the PDA is still there. But when we are alone, there is none at all.

      8. She demands to know where i am everytime.. When i took a bus to her house, she would keep asking about where i am as well as what time i am reaching.etc. is she trying to hide something?

      9. She refuse to meet any of my friends anymore even though she knew all of them. We were all ex classmates. She does not want to come to my hse anymore as well...

      Guys, I am really feeling shitty here. i am so confused and angry. I even picked up smoking because of this matter. I can't feel her anymore. I know it is wrong for me to snoop her phone. But if i dont, i would have been made to wear green hat without even knowing it.. So guys, please give me some advice. I am really going to snap soon... Any advice will do.. Please dont read and close without replying.. My heart is really hurting as i am typing it... So pls..

       

      Thanks alot...

      Heartbroken boy...

       

  • Queen of sgForums
    驚世駭俗醜不啦嘰 moderatress
    FireIce's Avatar
    264,247 posts since Dec '99
  • sggalgal's Avatar
    16 posts since May '12
  • Acidcat's Avatar
    52 posts since Aug '14
    • Just say u feel she has changed .... If she has changed her heart , better to talk and find out .

  • jojobeach's Avatar
    8,349 posts since Apr '07
    • You should not feel guilty for snooping. 

      In a relationship, if there is doubt, the relationship will fail.

      That's why experts keep nagging about how communication is vital.

      The purpose of communication is to dispel doubts and build trust.

      Obviously there's no commnication that's why you are snooping. Your relationship is already problematic to begin with.

      Pretending there's nothing wrong with your relationship will not help make it better. Pretending you don't care is also probably why she is losing interest in you, as you obviously has lost interest in her being your girlfriend, except for the intimacy part.

      The question is why are you so afraid of confronting her ? Are you fearful of the end results ? 

      Either way, your relationship is failing. Do you or do you not want to know the truth?

      Will the truth set you free, will it destroy you or will it allow you to rebuild the relationship ? Your maturity level determine this outcome.

       

       

  • Queen of sgForums
    驚世駭俗醜不啦嘰 moderatress
    FireIce's Avatar
    264,247 posts since Dec '99
    • Originally posted by sggalgal:

      I cant possibly tell her that i snoop through her phone right?

      why not?

      then how to start the talk?

       

      if this 地步 oredi might as well just trash it out 

      八成 is game over but oso might 死得瞑目 ya know

  • ChevroletYenko's Avatar
    4 posts since Sep '14
    • 3 ways, you choose which is the way that you think is better.

      1st way: carry on the way it is. Treat it as nothing happen.

      2nd way: If no more trust in the relationship. Break up and look for a new relationship. Not need to ask for any explanation or give any explanation.

      3th way: Talk it out, fill the gap, mend the hole. However do remember this do not lose your cool in the communication. Best is to go to a dining area and have a dinner together, be it is the last dinner as a couple, or the first dinner of fresh astart relationship. Whatever her decision is at the end of the day. Respect it. 

  • Agnez's Avatar
    4 posts since Sep '14
    • Since you have been with her for 3.5 yrs already, I'm sure there were ups and downs too during those times. This is just another challenge that you both have to go through, provided that she's the girl that you want to marry yeah. (Because if you really plan on talking it out with her, and she reveals that she had sex with that guy, it's not going to be easy to accept. Hopefully she didn't go to that point yet so things would be easier to work out from there. And during the talk, it's best that you both reemphasise or say out any doubts or expectation that you both have for one another such as being frank about things even if it hurt to hear because if she's the one for you, and you are the one for her, there shouldn't be anything to hide or mind sharing with one another. 

      Also, I'm not too sure how your girlfriend is like but most girls do check up on their bfs phone (especially due to doubts) so don't feel too guilty for snooping on her. And it always end real bad when couples talk it out after a long time because of the insecurities and suspicion that the girls start harboring aft knowing about some truth or doubts. So it's best to clear things up asap. 

      All the best! Should things turn bad,  there's always other trees in the forest. 

  • spidey3's Avatar
    620 posts since Apr '06
  • Moderator
    Yunhaier's Avatar
    7,753 posts since Apr '01
    • Originally posted by sggalgal:

      Hey guys,

      Hopefully i can find my answers here.. I am really confused right now. Recently, my girlfriend of 3.5 years started changing after knowing a malaysian guy at her workplace.

      Here is a start: When she started working at that place in woodlands, she came to know a malaysian guy which she called sissy sam. Recently, she changed alot and it is really making me feel unsettled.

      1. She jumps to that guy's defence when i said he is a sissy while we are talking (She is the one that told me that guy is a sissy and a gigolo). She also keeps mentioning that guy so often until i am so pissed. I also saw photo in her phone which they took together closely side by side while she is scrolling through the gallery.

      2. She dolls up alot more often. She suddenly started wearing heavy make up as well as donning really short skirts. I also caught her washing those really sexy lingerie which she only wore when we have intimate couple moments (told me that it made her very 'high' and make her go into the mood for sex). When confronted, she said that she ran out of underwear to wear. (Thats complete bullshit). She refuse to wear it when we had sex during the past few months even after i told her to. She claims it is uncomfortable!

      3. She brought clothes for that malaysian guy as well as me. She told me that the clothes was a gift from her mum (Lying). She even show a great deal of concern about the fit of clothes on the malaysian guy and asked for pics of the malaysian guys wearing them while she did not even asked about mine. ( found out when i snooped through her message). I did not even know that the malaysian guy has it as well!

      4. She refuses to have sex as well as rejecting my sexual advance. She had also stopped initiating sex and physical contact. She claimed that she wants to be a good girl and wait till marriage. Seriously?

      5. She asked that guy out a couple of times (she did not even asked me out for the past few months. We only go out when i asked to)and that malaysian guy even asked her to go jb with him. This is how the conversation went:

      Guy: we go jb do tgt lah (facial or smth)

      Her: Need ask my mum first worx

      Guy: Lie to your mum and say going with bf (me) lah.

      Her: going with new bf lo!  haha. :). 

      Guy: I know u kidding la. i know we impossible de

      Her: Sometimes impossible de stuffs also can happen de.

      What the heck is she trying to pull here??? Can someone enlighten me?They also chatted frequently through the night and plan outing tgt while i am sleeping. (Snooped her messages). We have been tgt for 3.5 years alry.. She wont even go to chalet with me but want to go jb with him??

      6. My gf started asking me wierd question such as if she could go out with her friends or anything. Why would she even ask that? Trying to make herself feel better for going out with that 'friend' of hers?

      7. When we go out, the PDA is still there. But when we are alone, there is none at all.

      8. She demands to know where i am everytime.. When i took a bus to her house, she would keep asking about where i am as well as what time i am reaching.etc. is she trying to hide something?

      9. She refuse to meet any of my friends anymore even though she knew all of them. We were all ex classmates. She does not want to come to my hse anymore as well...

      Guys, I am really feeling shitty here. i am so confused and angry. I even picked up smoking because of this matter. I can't feel her anymore. I know it is wrong for me to snoop her phone. But if i dont, i would have been made to wear green hat without even knowing it.. So guys, please give me some advice. I am really going to snap soon... Any advice will do.. Please dont read and close without replying.. My heart is really hurting as i am typing it... So pls..

      Thanks alot...

      Heartbroken boy...

       

      icon_arrow.gif Sounds like you are undergoing period of extreme distress. Surely, it must have been terrible to experience the change of attitude towards the relationship and for you to feel disconnected from your significant other in accentuated tangible manner.

      There seemed to be serious fissures in your relationship; my guess is that communication channel appears to be broken. Even though there might be reconciliation efforts to bridge understanding by talking about issues - my hypothesis would be that any attempt to gain insights are likely to be marred by blaming stance that would fuel arguments and/or incongruence in communication patterns.

      This is not likely to be an overnight change; transformation would have manifested prior before your revelation and way before your internal alarm started shrieking uncontrollably. icon_exclaim.gif

      ***

      icon_arrow.gif It's arduous (next to impossible) to do any form of recovery work if 'to-surface-the-white-elephant-in-the-room' conversation doesn't occur. What I mean is that you already have some form of intuitive conclusion that she might be planning a strategic exit through inductive reasoning of your experience in your relationship with her. Hence, to confront this conclusion is critical if you want to know if your premises are true but the conclusion be false. This would result in invalidity of your knowledge of what's really happening in the relationship and allows opportunity to raise conversation to truly find out the source of change and possibility of working for positive resolution.

      As it is likely that the decomposition of the relationship has probably inflicted great deal of damage, any delay would probably lengthen your unspoken suffering and the excruciating pain of ambivalence.

      Surely 3.5 years of relationship is at stake; however without reflective evaluation of your current relationship, any years beyond this point merely serve as a number trophy that is ultimately meaningless. icon_exclaim.gif

      Cheers   

      Edited by Yunhaier 03 Nov `14, 12:33PM
  • nufcfromsg's Avatar
    6 posts since Nov '14
    • bro. I've experienced the same thing. It doesn't matter if she's just message him 'funny' stuff. I personally find it harmless, but when she makes an effort with that fella to do it. Thats your cue to run. 

       

      I'm going through a divorce right now, as well as a distressing breakup with my supposed 'future wife'

       

  • Queen of sgForums
    驚世駭俗醜不啦嘰 moderatress
    FireIce's Avatar
    264,247 posts since Dec '99
  • TheOnComingDusk's Avatar
    3 posts since Nov '14
    • This is complicated stuff. Have a feeling she's bored of you and found new guy for attention and she likes it a lot. Anyway, what the others said is also true. If she did have monkey business with the guy, can you continue the relationship with her? I think....best is to let her go. Just my opinion. Lies are like scars on the soul and it can destroy you.

  • Malu Siao's Avatar
    12 posts since Nov '14
    • Thgink, is she the right one to become a wife or just a passerby in your life? If the latter, just talk and say good bye. No hurt feelings. There is always a better girl outside to be your life partner. Having a relationship of 3.5 years does not mean she's the one. Open your eyes wide and you see...

  • kenylol's Avatar
    1 post since Nov '14
    • I see it is dead obvious that she has shown signs of moving on. Bro, sometimes these things happen man. All the best. 

  • minxzhu's Avatar
    15 posts since Dec '14
    • How about trying to talk to her about it, and letting her know how you feel? Although you got to know that once you try asking her about it, things would probably change.It takes 2 hands to clap, if you are the only one trying to keep this relationship, then what's the point? Furthermore, she is having fun with other people while you are struggling. unhappy.png

  • chooyaochuen's Avatar
    135 posts since Nov '14
  • greta's Avatar
    1 post since Dec '14
    • I think you should sit and talk to her about this because most of the times misunderstandings are only the thing that lead to breakups. The divorce cases are also been increasing, I feel that couple should realize their own mistakes and try to clear it out by their own, if still it is hard to cope with, then seek some advice from a good lawyer before taking any harsh decision of divorce.

  • Your_Friendly_Mousepad's Avatar
    11 posts since Sep '13
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