LIFE AFTER CBBBak's TV Week That Was
Bak casts his eye over last week's TV. Do you agree with Stu's views? Mail him:
[email protected]Big Bore
Whatever you may think of Jade Goody, the final week of Big Brother was far less watchable with her gone. Reason and calm returned to the house, despite pack bullies Jo and Danielle’s best attempts to turn their venom on senile former A-Team star Dirk Benedict. Sad clown Cleo introduced an unimpressed Dirk (and equally indifferent public) to her ‘hilarious’ alter-ego Tiara. Jermaine, his maracas, and his mesmerising trousers spent ever more time dispensing wisdom from their favourite space between the beds. Ian ‘H’ Watkins got splinters from sitting on the fence too long. Vegetable Jack gave up all hope of stringing a coherent sentence together and got his willie out instead.
Sense prevailed as the hate mob served up beefy bigot Jo a well-earned chorus of boos on eviction night, then stupidity took over when Jo claimed in her interview with Davina that she can’t possibly be racist because her cousin is married to an Indian man. Yes, she really is that thick. And Shilpa continued to be described by the tabloids as ‘elegant’, dignified’, ‘beautiful’, and – I kid you not – ‘fragrant’. But never, for some inexplicable reason, ‘boring’. But now that it’s over, with Shilpa emerging triumphant, (and probably ‘dignified’ and ‘fragrant’ as well), what’s in store for the rest of the has-beens, never-weres and borderline breakdown cases of this year's celebrity house?
Life After Big Brother
According to tabloid reports, Jo had been booked to perform at LondonÂ’s G.A.Y. club, but promoters are considering pulling the plug in the wake of her behaviour in the BB house. Perhaps she would be more at home performing at a BNP rally. Or maybe a role as Pat ButcherÂ’s long-lost daughter in EastEnders would suit better. Failing that, itÂ’s back to the dog-breeding day job. She should, after all, have a fair idea what sheÂ’s doing when it comes to bitches. And, all going well, perhaps she could even win best in breed at Crufts in 2008. Though sheÂ’ll have to do something with that foul barnet of hers if she doesnÂ’t want to be knocked out by a glossy Pekingese in the opening rounds.
Danielle Lloyd will also be counting the cost of her behaviour, having lost most of her modelling contracts and – if the press is to be believed – boyfriend Teddy ‘Ted’ Sheringham. No longer a WAG then, nor a model, perhaps Dani could try her hand at acting. If her attempt to make Big Brother laugh is anything to go by, in which she did an astonishingly good impression of, well, herself, she could have a glittering career ahead of her. In years to come when we hark back to the iconic screen legends of our time, it will be: ‘Olivier… Gielgud… Lloyd’; ‘Monroe… Garbo… Lloyd’; ‘Hepburn… Hurt… Lloyd’. Failing that, there’s always the checkout at Asda.
Towers Of London berk Donny Tourette is better known to his friends and family as well-spoken, middle-class public schoolboy Pat. His 15 minutes already up, the next time you see him he’ll be in a pinstripe suit, wearing that studiedly unkempt hair in a neat side-parting, and politely trying to sell you insurance on your doorstep. Meanwhile, insufferable megalomaniac Leo Sayer: the long-forgotten, seventies two-hit wonder with the exploding turd hairdo and short man syndrome will crawl back to his residence in Australia – and as far from UK television as humanly possible, treating us (with any luck) to another 23-year career silence. God knows, we’ve earned it.
One of life’s victims, Watkins spent his entire time in the house sitting firmly on the fence, refusing to be drawn into arguments, yet using those same bitter disputes to come over all sensitive in the Diary Room when remembering his bullied schooldays. The big sissy. The oleaginous little sycophant just couldn’t stop brown-nosing people and dispensed endless platitudes while in the house. And, when not being highly irritating, he was just plain boring. It’s children’s TV or bust for Watkins I reckon. And the smart money’s on ‘bust’. Likewise, it’s almost impossible to think of anything interesting to say about Ian’s fellow fence-sitter Cleo but, suffice to say, she won’t be getting her own comedy show any time soon.
Back To Reality
I suspect that, like cockroaches after nuclear Armageddon, the Goodys will survive the media storm currently surrounding them to thrive once more. Race row scapegoat Jade didnÂ’t get where she is today (or, more accurately, where she was a month ago) without a damn good PR team, and plans are already afoot for the inevitable educational visit to India. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that a gleeful Channel 4 have already bought the rights to the TV serialisation. Episode 1: Jade eats curry with her fingers; Episode 2: Jade visits Shilpa on the set of her latest movie; Episode 3: New Diana Jade looks wistful by the Taj Mahal; Episode 4: Jade gives a lecture on the history of Hinduism, in Sanskrit; Episode 5: Jade returns to a heroÂ’s welcome in the UK, then agrees to appear on Ready Steady Cook with Shilpa. An argument breaks out over a missing stock cube and, well, you can guess the rest.
God only knows what the future holds for Jack. Let’s face it, he’ll never make it as a public speaker, an academic or, indeed, a male stripper. Frankly, I’m surprised he’s made it this far as a living, breathing human being. Last week, Cleo described Jack as having ‘such wisdom’, proving conclusively that she had indeed lost the plot completely. Meanwhile, Jo claimed he was as ‘cool as a cucumber’, when what she actually meant to say was: ‘Jack is as clever as a cucumber’. Though even that would be stretching the truth a little.
Dirk and Jermaine are definitely the ones to watch from this yearÂ’s Celebrity Big Brother. IÂ’m counting on a show in which a spectacularly trousered Jermaine crouches between two beds, responding with baffling, softly-spoken, Zen-like observations on life as Dirk witters on about Montana, bear-hunting, and porn, pausing only to cackle maniacally and suck heroically on his 76th cigar of the day.
As for Big Brother itself, I think it’s only fair that the future of the programme be called into question in the wake of the race rows, if only because of the glaring disparity in Endemol’s ‘duty of care’ in weeks three and four. Not once did Big Brother step in while Jade and her coven of bigots were creating great telly with their vicious bullying campaign. Yet, when Cleo playfully threw herself at an easily riled Dirk, Big Brother swiftly called the elderly A-Team actor into the Diary Room to ask if he wished the matter to be ‘raised formally’ with Cleo. Talk about a lack of perspective.
taken from:
http://entertainment.uk.msn.com/tv/bakontv/article.aspx?cp-documentid=2704785