Rising divorce rates among young in S'pore. A case of...
ME before WE?
By Low Ching Ling
November 20, 2007
AN older friend once asked me: 'Why you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend? Just be man and wife, lah.'
We were talking about commitment in a relationship.
He reasoned that marriage will make you work harder at the relationship.
'The kids, the roof you share over your heads, the joint bank account - these things will make you try harder.'
Point taken. But does it apply as well today as in my parents' generation? Then, marriage vows meant something. Today, going by the rising number of divorces, vows seem empty of value.
Why? The me-me-me generation prefer personal gratification above all else, some counsellors say.
The coddled individuals want their way all the time.
The Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports disclosed last week that more married couples are splitting up earlier.
From 2001 to 2006, those aged between 20 and 34 accounted for the highest number of divorces each year, the Department of Statistics' 2007 yearbook reported.
Last year, divorces and annulments hit a record high of 7,061. Two decades ago, this figure was just 2,608.
The reasons why marriages are ending earlier will have to be studied further, the ministry said.
Marriage counsellors are seeing more young couples call it quits.
What's their take?
Mr Benny Bong, from consulting and training agency FamilyWorks, said: 'They ask what the value is in sticking through an unhappy marriage. They place more emphasis on personal happiness. There's a general sense of futility that the marriage isn't going to work out. More are wanting out.'
Even the reasons given for marital splits are becoming frivolous.
Mr Bong said: 'In the past, it used to be adultery or a spouse with a gambling problem that breaks up the marriage.
'Now, it's more like, 'I don't like his personal habits' or 'I don't like how much she spends'.'
That's the mentality of the me-me-me generation, Mr Bong noted.
'In the older days, it was more about 'family'. Now, it's more about 'me'. When young people get married, they find it hard to adjust from 'me' to 'we'.'
Mr Harry Low from the NUS Counselling Centre agreed. 'The Gen-Xers and Gen-Yers grew up in an environment where their parents gave them what they wanted. For the older generation, it's 'I give you, you take'.'
Also, perhaps the notion of 'In sickness or health... till death do us part' is dying.
Mr David Kan, the co-founder of Family Life Centre, said: 'In the old days, no matter how bad, you bite the bullet. Today's generation doesn't show the same commitment and obligation.'
Am I, at 29 and of this generation, guilty of the same 'Me First' sin?
Are you?
I'm not sure I can put another person's happiness before mine.
Marriage? Would I be willing to give up my career or tolerate intrusions into my personal space?
Is it only me? Going by current trends, no.
Mr Kan said: 'Women are no longer dependent on men. They can earn their own income, so the parting of ways becomes an easier option.'
The implications should not be underestimated. Flippant attitudes towards divorce, falling birth rates or worse, children suffering from broken families will all have an impact on society.
But the consequences would probably be brushed aside, if the young are prone to take the easy way out at the slightest hint of discomfort.
What, then, can we do? You need lessons and a test to get a driving licence. You need years of time and financial investment to get that paper that says you're qualified to be considered for a job.
Yet, to tie the knot, all you need is love.
Counsellors recommend preparatory courses before you take that leap. Know what you are getting into. Be prepared for rough times, even as you celebrate romance.
My friend insists that marriage isn't a one-way street. He probably does not mean that the way back is divorce.
It's about give-and-take, about tolerance and yes, even about love.
The question is, what are we willing to do to work at making love work?
(ok, so I'm flogging this dead horse till I die)