Military Nuts Jokes thread!!!
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Add in whatever military related jokes you have heard here!!!
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originally posted by Heng:
The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Air Force, O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the fairway!"
Armor: Runs over snake. Never knows it,as well as where he is on the battlefield. Continues directly ahead wondering what all those new buttons in his turret do.
Army Aviation: Has GPS ten digit grid to snake. Stands off at a range greater than any other weapon system and destroys snake with precision fires at a cost equivilant of one Mercedes 350SEL. Returns to base for fighter management and a "cool one".
Army Shrink. Attempts to get snake to explain its sexual feelings about its mother.
Chaplain. Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes).
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Military Intelligence, G-2: Sanke? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.
Marines, ForceRecon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Marines, Infantry: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Mech Infantry: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Military Intelligence, S-2: Reports to ground troops that snake is a non-combatant. Six Infantry wounded. MI states that if the ground forces would have read the nesting diagram provided in the 24 page enemy intel report, they would have known the snake was a possible threat.
Military Police, Criminal Investigation: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.
Missileers, Air Force: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of operations.
Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret still.
Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then calls for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites the SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy, Surface Action Group: Fires off 50 cruise missiles fro several ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Ordnance: IDs snake as having improper scales. Deadline snake and order parts against snake. Parts come in 15 days later but the snake has been upgraded to FMC due to scrounging of parts through improper channels.
Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring it, then feverishly works to save the nake's life.
Pilot, A-10: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
Pilot, Air Force, F-15: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
Pilot, Air Force, F-16: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
Pilot, Air Force, Fighter, Generic: Mis-identifies the snake as a HIND and engages it with missiles. Crew Chief paints snake on airplane.
Pilot, Air Force, Transport: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.
Pilot, Army, AH-64 Apache: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
Pilot, Army, HH-53 Jolly Green Giant: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
Quartermaster: Encounters snake, then loses contact. Can not identify who owns snake by hand receipts. Orders new snake through supply channels. Request is denied by higher authority; issuing the unit a snake will bring the manager to a zero balance; one snake must remain on hand at all times as per their boss' guidance.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.
Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, %$&$!es, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age.
SJA: Swear they saw something like that on the Discovery Channel . . . spend weeks arguing if it was a snake or not.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transportation Corps: "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the truck." -
origanally posted by Heng:
The 213 Things....
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone Breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, ^@^& puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are. -
orignally posted by Heng:
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CDÂ’s.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole &^!^ing village!” while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.
144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!”
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.
154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get “that time of month”.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”
170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.
178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man's body”.
179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.
180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That's what you think”.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car. -
orignally posted by Heng:
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration.";
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged"
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites. -
orignally posted by: SingaporeTyrannosaur
SAF
Make a big hoo-ha over the radio net and strings up white tape all over the area, telling all troops to maintain a 1km square radius. Meanwhile, the snake has moved on to another area. -
Originally posted by : bismarck
SPF
surrounds area with mata tape and 18officers draw weapons aganist it and warns it to surrender its arms,fangs (pun intended).
singaporeans
surrounds area with human tape and 18 gina draws hp cams and others draw pics of it and warns the snake not to move for the last time.
obasans
surrounds area with ropes and baskets with parangs and discuss how best to cook it -
Originally posted by specfore:
Very Experienced SAF Warrant Officer (multiple badges on left and right chest... that sort of thing) :- " Snake ! ... Where? ! " " Snake with red bean soup good for your brother !.... bring the parang here !".
Group of young BMT recruits in field armed with a dozen NTUC plastic bags and one blunt parang .... supervised by one highly decorated WO :-
"Ahh... Encik, we saw the snaakkee !" " Over there on the ground !"
Encik saunters over , actually feeling very uncomfortable in his no. 3 in the belukar ....
"Macham snake !!!..... *&^£%*** !!!! THAT'S THE RIFLE SLING BOTAK BOY LOST IN THE SUMMARY EXERCISE !"
Newly commissioned 2nd LT passes by the commotion :-
" Did I hear snake?" " Eh Encik.... a snake belt will go well with my trousers ." "Let me know if you catch the snake".
Very senior WO now faces a great dilemma, possibly the greatest dilemma of his entire SAF career ....
Should he give up his snake with red bean soup and angkat this young 2nd LT, who could be the next company 2 i/c ???
Stay tuned for the SNAKE SAGA ! -
Originally posted by : specfore
"Specky" clerk from company line (was former school marathon runner and very fit, but somehow "keng" his way out of OCS & SISPEC) :-
" I have here a big ball of comms cord which may assist in the capture of the said snake."
........and after looking at the BMT recruits and WO with the NTUC plastic bags wandering in the belukar , he had another brilliant idea (thank god he actually avoided OCS or SISPEC !) strike him. He emerged from the company line office with....
A LARGE ROLL OF TELT !!!
" This is much better than the NTUC Fairprice plastic bag, lah ! The snake cannot poke thru'." The Specky clerk said knowingly. -
orignally posted by: Raptor937
Which Country Is Best?
During a joint exercise between American, British, and Australian forces, the three commanders get into an argument, naturally, about whose forces are best.
The American General says, "My men are the best because they are so brave. PRIVATE!" A young Private comes over, salutes, and stands at attention. The American General says, "Boy, you see that tank coming down the road? I want you to stand infront of it and get run over." The Private nods and stands in the road. SQUISH! He gets run over.
The British General shakes his head and says, "Nah, that's nothing. PRIVATE!" A young Private comes over, salutes, and stands at attention. The British General says, "Lad, you see that plane over there? Go get in it, go up to 10,000 feet, and jump out. Without a parachute." The private nods and gets in the plane. SPLAT! All
over the ground.
The Australian General laughs and says, "No, no, no, that's nothing. Watch. PRIVATE!" A young Private comes over, salutes, and stands at attention. The Australian General says, "Mate, see that cliff over there? I want you to go jump off it." The Private shakes his head and says, "Ah, f*** you, sir!" The Australian looks at the others and goes, "See? Now that's brave!"
Maybe you've heard it before... maybe you've not... but it's pretty good eh -
-
Anyone here heard about the joke about the chicken crossing the road?Those of you with OA accounts might have heard of it.
-
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!" -
too many stickys.
-
A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for
the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"
The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do
you think of, Sergeant?"
"I think somebody stole the damn tent." -
The value of an Officer VS a NCO
A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?"
The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?"
The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO".
The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?"
The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded
"Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer" -
Why did the chicken cross the road?
USAF reactions to this event follow:
Air Education and Training Command:
The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.
Special Ops:
The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVG's, preferably near a road bend in a valley.
Air Combat Command:
The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.
Tanker Airlift Control Center:
We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
Command Post:
What chicken?
Tower:
The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.
C-130 crewmember:
Just put it in back and let's go.
C-141 crewmember:
I ordered a no. 4 with turkey and ham, NOT chicken. Besides, where the heck are my condiments?! We ain't taking off til' I get my condiments!!!
Fighter dude:
Look, dude, that was the frag, OK? I've flown my 1.0 for the day and I ain't got time for anymore questions!
B-1 crew:
Missed the whole show--we had an IFE so we couldn't get out to see it; you'll have to ask the SOF.
Air Force Personnel Center:
Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.
John Warden:
The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2 dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of the road and strike directly into the heart of the enemy, thereby destroying the will of the enemy to fight and thus ending the conflict on terms favorable to the chicken.
Congress:
The chicken will do anything to get the C-17 and the F-22. -
Lockheed Martin Tactical Aircraft Systems
AIRCRAFT - SPACE SYSTEMS - MISSILES
Important! Important!
Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase
Thank you for purchasing a Lockheed Martin military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. Mr. / Mrs. / Ms. / Miss. / Lt. / Gen. / Comrade / Classified / Other
First Name____________________ Initial____ Last Name_______________________
Latitude______________________ Longitude________________________________
Altitude______________________ Password, Code Name, Etc.___________________
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
F-16A Falcon / F-16B Falcon / F-16C Falcon / F-16D Falcon / F-22 / Classified
3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________
4. Serial Number:____________________
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A PTE is doing sentry duty one night when the telephone rings inside the sentry box.
"Hello! Hello!" a voice shouts down the phone. "Are there many cars in the officer's car park?"
The PTE steps out of the sentry box and looks across the road where a solitary Bentlry is parked. He goes back to the box and answers the caller.
"Only that fat bastard GEN Lee's car," he says.
The voice down the line booms, "Do u know who you're talking to? This is GEN Lee!"
The PTE repiles, "Do you know who you are talking to?"
"No," GEN Lee answers.
"Well, f**k off then fat arse," the PTE replies.
-
dunno whether this fits in but...
My OC came back from the five powers defence exercise thing...and i asked him, in his opinion which country's soldiers were the best...
OC "cant say lah, but the malaysians were the most united."
Me (stunned) "why?"
OC "one go tuang, all go tuang." -
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!" -
USAF Maintenance Logs
Some (supposedly) actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews...
(source unknown)
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1:"#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't t."
Signed off :"IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed..."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That s what they re there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Here is a verified one:
Complaint:
Flir (Forward Looking Infra-red) not operational.
Solution:
Found the On Full Force(OFF)switch in the On Full Force position.
Flir will not work in that mode
the request was submitted by a LtC.After reviewing his closure
information he came to the shop and asked where the On Full
Force(OFF)switch was located so he would not make the same mistake twice -
Military Truisms
• "Aim towards the Enemy"--instruction printed on US rocket launcher.
• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend--from an FM.
• Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
• If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
• If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
• Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
• No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
• Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• Tracers work both ways.
• Friendly fire isn't.
• Five second fuses only last three seconds.
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
• The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
• If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
• And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. -
The important things are always simple.
The simple things are always hard.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
When you are in combat, you are short of everything except emenies.
Radio will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
The emeny diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
When both sides are convined they are about to lose, theyare both right. -
Got one time...we guys were angry with an officer who almost got us killed....while at a healthy lfestyle event organise at Marina....we guys sang the song "i don't want to be a hero" while jogging past some senior commanders....imagine this officer's face...when we sang that song aloud....