Urgent Dilemma
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Need urgent advice from all..
Recently I held a conversation with my best friend. We chatted and he confided in me something which left me in much thought. Till now, I still don't know how to reply him..
His case:
He is in his mid 20s..his ex-gf, who was with him for many years, left him last year. Most of the time, he confided to me that it was his fault. Although they never got married, he ex-gf bore him a son, a toddler. His ex doesnt want their son and moved abroard. He was left with a child, and he felt so devastated then.
A few months later, he met a gal who knows about his past and a child. They began a relationship. However, in the first few months of this new relationship, he was still wounded by his past and was emotional most of the time. In this case, he flared up quite often and sometimes made his gf so nervous when he talked about suicide. His gf told him that if he doesnt change, she cant carry on. That was a wake-up call and he immediately changed for the better. Since then, he has been the perfect bf who does everything that she likes of him and made so much efforts just to make her happy. Both emotionally and financially, he tries to make her happiest gf in Singapore because he sticks to the belief that as long as he loves her wholeheartedly, his conscience is clear..even if she chooses to leave him one day. She told him that she appreciates his change and was very happy.
Many months have passed when recently, his girlfriend suddenly told him that she needs to re-think the relationship as it is gona face with lots of obstacles from her parents that he has a son and her fear of his past 'emotional talk on suicides' haunts her. She said that if not for the change, she wouldnt have stuck with him for so long. Once again, my best friend was devastated..that despite his change, his past still haunts his gf..she told him that she is going to leave him for a while..and think whether she is going to continue this relationship..
I was very angry when I heard this. My best friend has loved her so much, and I know the many efforts/sacrifices that he has made just to make her happy. The thing is..how could she just suggest leaving him alone once again despite him not making any mistakes? My best friend even intended to spend all his year-end bonuses to give her the most romantic and memorable Christmas day event. I was told that she was not materialistic and very understanding to him and his child. But to leave him at this time when he has done nothing wrong, is really devastating to him.
I told him to give her up but he just love her too much and worried that no other girls would love him again as he is with a child and he is without looks. I told him that it's better to leave her now..rather than after spending all the money and in the end, lose both money and girl. But I am also worried that my advice may be too one-sided.
Any advices to provide for my best friend is appreciated.
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Why not let the gal take some time out to think about what she wants to do?Marrying a guy with a kid and having a might-be-suicidal husband are not things that can be solved simply by the word "love".Originally posted by Chrysalis_Guy:Many months have passed when recently, his girlfriend suddenly told him that she needs to re-think the relationship as it is gona face with lots of obstacles from her parents that he has a son and her fear of his past 'emotional talk on suicides' haunts her. -
Matters of the heart... Sometimes they just change... And when they do, there might not be any stopping them...
Your friend has already agreed in the 1st place that should she leave him one day, his conscience would be clear.... If like you've said, your friend has already done his best... Then what regrets he should have...?
Remember something which people used to say...?
"If you really love her, you've got to set her free..." -
True..this is what I told him too..but he said it's easier said than turning it into actions. The thing is, she still shows care and concern for him and even kiss him and sometimes meet up. However, because she is taking a 'wait and see' stance, my best friend feel very stressed up. He doesn't know when she will give him an answer.Originally posted by Devil1976:Matters of the heart... Sometimes they just change... And when they do, there might not be any stopping them...
Your friend has already agreed in the 1st place that should she leave him one day, his conscience would be clear.... If like you've said, your friend has already done his best... Then what regrets he should have...?
Remember something which people used to say...?
"If you really love her, you've got to set her free..." -
Tink abt the constant pressure dat his gf is facing from her family & frens. She is still single & there's plenty of eligible choices out there distracting her. She has every right to choose wat she wans & wats gd for herself. Gif her some time. If she can come to terms with it, she'll come back stronger for ur fren.
As for ur fren.. guess he can't expect pple to be dat generous & forgiving... to accept his past & ignore their own insecurities. If he wans her to stay in his life.. tell him to get bk on his feet.. let every1 see (gf.. gf's parents.. frens..) dat he's 1 who can depend on.
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1) Suicide can really make the person who love you turned off. It is a mistake and a terrible one. For your friend to initiate such thoughts in the beginning, it is a wrong move.
2) Initially when they first started out, everything was fine and sweet. But as time goes by, the gal start to realise the commitment of a child in their future marrige. It is not easy for a gal to accept someone's else child.
Tell your friend to buck up. It is not the end of the world. Morever, he is a guy. He would have more capablity to raise up a child. And give the gal some time. i believe in fate. If it's meant to be yours, it will be yours. Maybe when the gal has straightened out her thoughts, she will bring your friend good news?
Good luck to your friend... -
Yep.. put youself in the shoes of the girls.. convincing her family is no easy task.. stigma of a son-in-law with a kid with no related bloodline still exist.. plus his past suicidal tendencies made him look like an emotional wreck.. I supp the guy has to find a way to convince the girl that he is indeed a changed man.. a man who can handle emotions well.. being all depressed isn't a good way of proving to her.. but the most difficult thing is to get her family's acceptance.. in he really loves her.. he would try as much as possible to not make things too complicated for her.. but i must say it's hard on the guy too..
GOOD LUCK FRIEND.. -
His gf's parents are telling their daughter all that because they don't know your friend and don't trust him at all.
Tell your friend to have a talk face to face with his gf's parents. If her parents believe that he is dependable enough for their daughter, they would definitely encourage her to go on in the relationship.
She is afraid of him talking about suicide because she is uncertain whether he still harbours such thoughts or not. Which is why she is in a 'wait and see' state right now. What your friend has to do is to pick himself up and get on with his life, so as to prove to her that it will not happen again. Once she is convinced that your friend has changed for the better, she will get close to him naturally. -
Tell him to take this as a test for both him and his GF. This will fail if either one of them fails this test. Your best friend can only help by passing the test on his end. The other portion will rely on the girl. Put no pressure. A good relationship should never be stressful for anyone.
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Don't worry... I know how it feels... If he has the patience and determination, he can always wait... But my personal advice is... Don't pin too high a hope.. It would usually leads to too great a disappointment....Originally posted by Chrysalis_Guy:True..this is what I told him too..but he said it's easier said than turning it into actions. The thing is, she still shows care and concern for him and even kiss him and sometimes meet up. However, because she is taking a 'wait and see' stance, my best friend feel very stressed up. He doesn't know when she will give him an answer.
If he feels that it's really killing him, he can always opt out? -
Actually talked to him yesterday and he actually opting out..bcos he loves her so much that he doesnt want her to be so stressed out thinking it..and maybe the greatest love is to set her free........however he is also worried that he cant handle it after she leaves....as he loves her too much.....Originally posted by Devil1976:Don't worry... I know how it feels... If he has the patience and determination, he can always wait... But my personal advice is... Don't pin too high a hope.. It would usually leads to too great a disappointment....
If he feels that it's really killing him, he an always opt out? -
Then I think he's just deceiving himself... Road on a relationship is usually not smooth.. Especially of the one he's having now... I truly doubt it'll be easy even for the future to come...Originally posted by Chrysalis_Guy:Actually talked to him yesterday and he actually opting out..bcos he loves her so much that he doesnt want her to be so stressed out thinking it..and maybe the greatest love is to set her free........however he is also worried that he cant handle it after she leaves....as he loves her too much.....
I really think his concern is more of how he should be handling it after the break up... And INDEED, as a friend you should be watching closely over him.. As you've mentioned, he has got suicidal tendencies and any 'move' or non-movement now should only push him further towards depression now... The only way 'out' is that his gf accepts him... But 'accepting' just for the sake of 'accepting' would only create problems of its own and is not a permenant solution...
If they really have to part one day, sooner or later he'll still have to face it.. If he wants to, he can keep his gf as a 'low-profile' friend to slowly get over things... But for his case, I'll better advise for him to have a 'clean break' and concentrate on picking up himself and his life... As much as he might love her, life should never really be totally dependent on a relationship alone...
I suspect that his gf should have already thought of leaving him long ago... It's just his suicidal tendencies which held her back in the relationship... The unwillingness and natural instinct that things just won't work out carrying on like that has prompted her to leave him... She's probably tired by now... It's only fair that he let her go....? No matter how nice he has treated her, a 'bird in a cage' is just a bird without freedom...
Ask him to learn to love his life... Treasure it... Before letting another love him again... Only then would he have a better chance of understanding what's really 'love'....
Handle one thing at a time... Not all of them together... It'll only confuse him... -
Yr friend made a mistake of using suicide to threaten the girl. No wonder she is having second thoughts. She must be thinking he is emotional unstable. Also she might have problem dealing with his kid. It is not easy being a step mum. She might not want this kind of responsibility.
Just give her time to make up her mind.