My bf is getting more & more possessive!
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Help!
I've been with my bf for 6 years liao...& we've been talking abt marriage recently, in fact we've already bought a flat.... we're going to choose a date for ROM as well...
But, problems come.... he's getting more & more possessive....whenever I'm out with my friends (my gatherings often consist of guys & gals)...he'll get very possessive & insist I had to go home...but actually, I've already told him my whereabouts & whom I've been hanging out with...he'll still become very angry & insist that i had to go home! The fact is, I've also asked him to join my outings, but he refused everytime....
I've been trying to explain to him nicely that for a r/s to be healthy, we need to have our own grp of friends....
What logic is this?? He seems to be having alot of 'pms' recently.....
& I've been thinking alot recently...whether he is the right guy...sigh
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hes getting insecure cos he afraid u might leave him at the last moment... jz assure him then give him ultimatum if he gets too serious...
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no trust no go
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*farts*
Are you his first g/f? Maybe in his previous relationship with a girl she let him down badly and now he feels he can't trust girls? Could also be his parents didn't have a nice marriage and the arguing in his household could have had some effect on him.
Your b/f could also be scared of losing you ( to another guy). This is where trust comes in but seems like he doesn't trust you . Relationships should be based on 100% trust. He seems to be insecure about himself.
Does he have his own group of friends? If so you should try and encourage him to go out with them. Also he should try and get involved in some sporting activity or something to keep him occupied. -
ooo 3 ppl posted before me. didn't see that. bloody computer was going bonkers
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Probably PMS. Pre-Marriage Syndrome.
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Hey, thanks...Originally posted by EvilDead:*farts*
Are you his first g/f? Maybe in his previous relationship with a girl she let him down badly and now he feels he can't trust girls? Could also be his parents didn't have a nice marriage and the arguing in his household could have had some effect on him.
Your b/f could also be scared of losing you ( to another guy). This is where trust comes in but seems like he doesn't trust you . Relationships should be based on 100% trust. He seems to be insecure about himself.
Does he have his own group of friends? If so you should try and encourage him to go out with them. Also he should try and get involved in some sporting activity or something to keep him occupied.
I'm not his first gf....well, his previous g/f had two-timed him b4...but hey, I'm been with him for 6-7 yrs liao & we've already bought our flat....if i really wanna leave, why must i wait until now?? & why can't he trust me aft being together for so many yrs??
He had his own grp of friends...but most of them are attached..so now, seldom meet up.... -
well,this means that he really cares for you and how important you are to him isn't it? he is afraid to lose you at this moment so thatz why he will become so possessive..maybe you can try to find a chance and have a good talk with him,hopefully that he can understand you and have mutual trust in you...
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Yup... Communication is very important. Communication break down would most probably lead to the end of the relationship.
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maybe he will become less possessive when you both migrate to an island with no other guys around. if cannot, you can also work or study in a company or school with no guys at all. or you can tell him to stop being paranoid and give him as many chances as your patience permits. after that, just lose the loserOriginally posted by *genie*:Help!
I've been with my bf for 6 years liao...& we've been talking abt marriage recently, in fact we've already bought a flat.... we're going to choose a date for ROM as well...
But, problems come.... he's getting more & more possessive....whenever I'm out with my friends (my gatherings often consist of guys & gals)...he'll get very possessive & insist I had to go home...but actually, I've already told him my whereabouts & whom I've been hanging out with...he'll still become very angry & insist that i had to go home! The fact is, I've also asked him to join my outings, but he refused everytime....
I've been trying to explain to him nicely that for a r/s to be healthy, we need to have our own grp of friends....
What logic is this?? He seems to be having alot of 'pms' recently.....
& I've been thinking alot recently...whether he is the right guy...sigh -
It just goes to show how he really loves you and cares for your well-being. Give it a chance.
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How long is it before you get married? This could just be pre-marital jitters, and he could be over it after the marriage.
Maybe you could just treat him nicely for a while until the marriage, and see if he gets better after the marriage. If not, (or if the date of marriage is still quite far away), maybe you should sit down and talk to him.
From what i know, usually for couples, especially married ones, there's a certain time for you to bring out heart-to-heart matters. Just before sleeping(by the bed), during dinner, lunch, during a date, after the movie, its different for everyone.
Bring it up when you think you're both comfortable, and then try to be understanding to his needs. Probe him gently, but if he doesn't feel like saying anything, just let him know you'll be there when he decides to open up.
Hope that helps~ -
He is just like you.. thinking whether is he the right man for you.. or he will jus think that you might jus call it off if he's not the one.. Basically.. he jus being too insecure.. Too afraid that you might 2-timed him like his ex-gf.. Like what some mentioned.. that he might suffer from pre-marital syndrome!Originally posted by *genie*:Help!
I've been with my bf for 6 years liao...& we've been talking abt marriage recently, in fact we've already bought a flat.... we're going to choose a date for ROM as well...
But, problems come.... he's getting more & more possessive....whenever I'm out with my friends (my gatherings often consist of guys & gals)...he'll get very possessive & insist I had to go home...but actually, I've already told him my whereabouts & whom I've been hanging out with...he'll still become very angry & insist that i had to go home! The fact is, I've also asked him to join my outings, but he refused everytime....
I've been trying to explain to him nicely that for a r/s to be healthy, we need to have our own grp of friends....
What logic is this?? He seems to be having alot of 'pms' recently.....
& I've been thinking alot recently...whether he is the right guy...sigh
You must reassure him that no such things will happen.. explain to him slowly.. and pampered him alittle.. If you can.. drive him to speak out what got into him.. slowly.. persuade him to tell you.. what is he afraid of.. maybe from there. you both can work out a solution.. Marriage is no joking matter! you must be sure.. He might not be the guy you loved most.. But he can be the most suitable one for you..
Cheerss...
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Some guys r lidat, genie. Mayb he's used to hanging ard with u and feels threatened when u went out with ur frenz. He felt neglected.Originally posted by *genie*:Help!
I've been with my bf for 6 years liao...& we've been talking abt marriage recently, in fact we've already bought a flat.... we're going to choose a date for ROM as well...
But, problems come.... he's getting more & more possessive....whenever I'm out with my friends (my gatherings often consist of guys & gals)...he'll get very possessive & insist I had to go home...but actually, I've already told him my whereabouts & whom I've been hanging out with...he'll still become very angry & insist that i had to go home! The fact is, I've also asked him to join my outings, but he refused everytime....
I've been trying to explain to him nicely that for a r/s to be healthy, we need to have our own grp of friends....
What logic is this?? He seems to be having alot of 'pms' recently.....
& I've been thinking alot recently...whether he is the right guy...sigh
Sometimes, guys juz dun like to join his gf outings wif her own frenz.
Cuz mayb they feel paisay, bored or boliao or watever reasons they might be; which cud be a headache for girls, cuz we will nv understand why.
But i can tell u this guy whom u describe as POssessive, definitely LOVEs himself more than loving u. Cuz he's selfish, only tink of himself 1st. I mean, r/s at times need space to breathe mah, go out wif frenz oso cannot..sighz....
I know how u feel, its like whenever u had a gathering wif ur frenz, wah, u r so happy. but when coming to tell him abt it, u feel sian. cuz u noe he surely spoil ur day and he did!
I think u should have a good talk wif him, regardless of how things wud end up. I mean couples do quarrel and its common.
Try not to jump onto conclusion tat he dun like u to go out with ur kakis..listen to wat he has got to say..
Since both of u already applied for a flat and r gettin married, i dun see y u canot talk to him abt this kind of problem. If u r having doubts abt ur marriage, u have to solve it asap.
The problem lies wif u, seriously. Its whether u mind anot, can u tahan him for the rest of ur life anot? 6yrs already dun tell me now then u noe wat kind of person ur man is.
When he dun bother abt u, u feel tat he love u less, if he care too much abt u, u feel tat he is possessive. then wat do u want from him? U have to let him know how u feel to make ur r/s work better. -
My dad is oso a typical MCP and possessive man. He always call upon my mum asking if she had eaten and her whereabouts. He fetches her everyday from work, waited for her at the void deck where she's having her singing lessons. Gets furious when my mum wear revealing clothes, cuz he scared tat other di ko man might get advantage. many many more
This is my dad.
My parents quarrel over these, but they r still as loving. Y? because they luv each other. They hold hands in public(but nv kiss in public la), they joke and went for ktv sessions wif their frenz....
I mean, this is life loh, being together wif him for 6yrs, there muz be someting good abt him to makes u stay for so long bah. Write him a card reassuring him how much u value him, tat wud makes him feel great. I mean, he is now like a toddler hugging his mummy's leg.... pamper him abit and he will loves u even more.
This kind of man may not be a good lover, but he has the qualities of a good husband and father! -
Your problem seems so familiar. My father is also like that, he doesn't allow my mum to work because her job needs her to travel between singapore and malaysia quite often. He is so afraid that my mum would soon become a businesswoman and not care about the family.
To me, Males who have this particular problem with being overly protective or posessive is just not having self confidence. He is scared that he might not be the support that you will turn to when you have problems, turning himself to be an unsignificant figure and you might be stronger than he is.
Anyhow, your bf is having a hard time finding self confidence. Be patient with him and try to figure out a solution for that. Assure him that you really is in love with him.
Take Care and gd luck!
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I can suggest going to visit a marriage counselor, many couples before they get married do, so its not weird or anything, in fact, many couples either see a marriage counselor or their pastor if they're christian. This helps in many ways as the counselor/ pastor will say/preach what it takes to marry each other...
You have to talk to your bf and let him know that he's being very possessive. See what he says and try to reason it out with him. -
You can try helping him to build up a new group of friends or maybe even introduce your friends to him so that you all can hang out together?Originally posted by *genie*:Hey, thanks...
I'm not his first gf....well, his previous g/f had two-timed him b4...but hey, I'm been with him for 6-7 yrs liao & we've already bought our flat....if i really wanna leave, why must i wait until now?? & why can't he trust me aft being together for so many yrs??
He had his own grp of friends...but most of them are attached..so now, seldom meet up....
Also, try to find out if he's experiencing too much stress from work or something? Have both of you been spending enough quality time together? Look into that matter too... -
A BOOK DEFINITLY HELPS~ =)
My cousin lent mi a book " Overcoming Jealousy Possessiveness "
is a psychology book~ In fact it really works...
It explain clearly e problem u having, and teach u, make thing diff... =)
Overcoming Jealousy Possessiveness by Paul A. Hauck -
Thanks so much for all yr replies....
Yap, I've tried to talk to him, explaining to him....but haiz...he still insisted that I was in the wrong....
Guess I had to let him cool down first...yap, I do treasure this r/s & as some of u say, he can be a good husband & father....
Wish me luck! -
glad to hear tat from u. things wud turn out better after he shimmers down.Originally posted by *genie*:Thanks so much for all yr replies....
Yap, I've tried to talk to him, explaining to him....but haiz...he still insisted that I was in the wrong....
Guess I had to let him cool down first...yap, I do treasure this r/s & as some of u say, he can be a good husband & father....
Wish me luck! guys r lidat la, but not always. my guy oso the same... mayb its because i seldom go out with my own frenz tat's y he worry. it's natural bah... he cares for u tat's y he bothers abt u. All the best! 
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Well... this is kinda normal thing to happen. If you do read and study a lot about man and woman's mental profile, you will realise that possessive is often caused by insecurity and lack of confident and trust. Well, take your time to figure it out what causes him to behave like these.Originally posted by *genie*:Help!
I've been with my bf for 6 years liao...& we've been talking abt marriage recently, in fact we've already bought a flat.... we're going to choose a date for ROM as well...
But, problems come.... he's getting more & more possessive....whenever I'm out with my friends (my gatherings often consist of guys & gals)...he'll get very possessive & insist I had to go home...but actually, I've already told him my whereabouts & whom I've been hanging out with...he'll still become very angry & insist that i had to go home! The fact is, I've also asked him to join my outings, but he refused everytime....
I've been trying to explain to him nicely that for a r/s to be healthy, we need to have our own grp of friends....
What logic is this?? He seems to be having alot of 'pms' recently.....
& I've been thinking alot recently...whether he is the right guy...sigh
As for your problem, well, some guys are like these. They demand to know the truth.. and yet, they can't handle the truth. Sometimes, a little white lies would help.. as long as he don't find out. Often, if you are not a good and tactful person to create white lies.. then don't use this approach.
The people whom we love and loves us are the one who shapes us. There is very little chance of anyone to let go of their friends for just one person. Being tactful is very important to your relationship when it comes to him. Communicating your feelings and being honest won't really help if he is insecured and lack confident.
Try this approach, it may help.
1. Ask him nicely if he has any program for certain date.
2. If no, ask him with all respect, if he minds you going out with your friends.
3. If he says yes, then humbly accept his request and don't even need to ask why. Just tell him, he has to tell you all his schedule and if ever you don't like, he must comply as well.
4. Chances are, he will ask you why are you doing this instead. Then.. tell him, the same reason he is doing it to you.
5. If he insists that you meet his friends, tell him, he knew none of your friends.
5. If he gets the msg, good for you. If not, things will get very very interesting.
Thing is this, a relationship needs leverage at times. Otherwise, you may as well get an Sony Aibo and treat it as your hubby.. or simply be as obedient to him as if he has got himself a Sony Aibo.
Try try and see... -
You'll be fine..~Originally posted by *genie*:Thanks so much for all yr replies....
Yap, I've tried to talk to him, explaining to him....but haiz...he still insisted that I was in the wrong....
Guess I had to let him cool down first...yap, I do treasure this r/s & as some of u say, he can be a good husband & father....
Wish me luck!
Don't need to explain for now, be submisive. If he does it after the marriage however, some talking might be needed... -
SLOWLY... I've got a hitch that your boy might be a man of ego... Try not to diminish that...?Originally posted by *genie*:Thanks so much for all yr replies....
Yap, I've tried to talk to him, explaining to him....but haiz...he still insisted that I was in the wrong....
Guess I had to let him cool down first...yap, I do treasure this r/s & as some of u say, he can be a good husband & father....
Wish me luck! 