break up with good friends
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I had problems with a good friend. I don;t think there's any way to change things but I'm still looking for closure and trying to understand what went wrong so that hopefully, i may learn something from it. Basically my friendshop with my good friend went to hell after a simple misunderstanding where she got an interview with an MNC that she did IA with, and she got mad when i told her to be thankful for her situation (out of 200 people, only around 15 got selected for 2nd interview) and to stop complaining. she then said i was only sore. i was sad that i didnt get it, but not sore. I became even sadder that she said it this way.
below is an email to a mutual friend with whom i've drifted apart with but still remained on cordial terms-- please help and provide any constructive opinion and suggestions.. thanks!
Hi,
HavenÂ’t written to you for some time. HowÂ’s your work?
I just had a weird dream – dreamt that A was throwing your things on the floor while you looked on cuz you were neutral abt the whole falling out incident.
I think you may not have time to read this and reply to my email, but I really hope you will. IÂ’m just trying to find the closure for the way things ended with A. Until today, I still donÂ’t get it, and had a few dreams abt it.
I guess you didn’t really get why I acted the way I acted when we studied together. You should know I used to like you (I emphasized “used to” so that there won’t be any discomfort on your part). It wasn’t easy getting over it, you’ve been there, you know it. And then the friendship thing just complicated issues. Like the time I told you 2 I was going home when I was actually going to study alone. It was because I felt you 2 were closer friends than me. As to why I felt like this, it was compounded over a period of time. When there’s something to get to me and A, she would be the one to get the msg. when we sat together in the LT, I literally felt excluded. During the break, you 2 would chat without me. I was not angry at this, after all you were friends before me. You have every reason to be closer to each other. But the feeling of exclusion was enormous. I had that feeling of exclusion even right up to during the DP period, when materials were exchanged thru A. I don’t understand cuz I think you did see me as often as you saw her. At this point, you have to understand that I have always known you 2 were friends; that’s it, it’s not the kind of jealousy that M felt. But I felt excluded very often. Even when you never introduced your gf to me. Did you think I wasn’t over you yet? (I was already attached by that time…. And have been over you for quite long)
And then the whole issue with A. What saddens me is the way she chose to end things. Until today I really can’t comprehend it even a little bit. You break up with bf/gf, but you don’t break up with friends. You may drift apart from each other, but you don’t just cut them out like this (unless they cheat on you with your gf/bf or something drastic). What shocked me was the reasons A offered not to be (good) friends anymore. When she told me others sympathized with her for being my good friend, do you know how downright rotten that feels? First of all, I don’t think an argument with a good friend is something you go “confiding” in so many people abt, and the way she said it, she suggested that quite a few people felt sorry for her for being in a friendship with me. As you said it last time when I asked you how did you and J remained best friends for so long—it’s give and take. You accept your friend’s shit, you don’t question it, because he’s your friend. I thought it was the same with her. There are parts of her that run headlong with my values and beliefs, but I made my peace and compromise cuz we were good friends. It’s not nice to save someone seats when 90% of the time she’s either late for the lecture or didn’t even show up. Yet I still saved seats for her. To the stares of so many who wanted the seats. I did that because she was my friend. And she could tell me things like she couldn’t put up with me anymore. It really hurts.
You would know she sometimes made a hoo-ha out of things, given that incident with you and her which made her avoid you like a plague for a few weeks. You would remember the tube top incident that she got mad abt and didnÂ’t want to talk to me for some time too.
I seriously donÂ’t know if itÂ’s because of me getting attached that she became this way cuz she felt angry at me for not spending enough time with her. She should know right, having been there. There were times in year 2 and 3 when she rushed me to finish work so tt she could be with her ex. Somehow I feel itÂ’s because of something else, from her tone. To her, I am this unbearable person whom she has put up with for way too long and she had decided that she would crack if we remained friends. I admit I have my faults, who doesnÂ’t? But I know it when I provided the care she needed when she was down and I know it when she provided the care when I was down. ItÂ’s friendship; just like any other relationships, itÂ’s give and take. I donÂ’t think I have never given to her that she has to resort to such an extreme.
You said that sometimes I say things sarcastically. But sometimes I didnÂ’t mean to be. I really felt that it is a possible scenario. Like, when you took very long to reply to my sms. Ordinarily anyone whoÂ’s a friend (or thinks she is a friend) would feel upset. But IÂ’m just trying to make myself feel better by thinking you could be that busy that you couldnÂ’t reply sooner, though IÂ’ve never personally been in such a busy position before.
I hope you can tell me anything you know and how you feel. Will help me in this closure thing. I know we are not friends like before anymore, but I still hope you can take the time to provide me an objective viewpoint on what happened. I tried to get closure from A, but to her, it became a issue of just being plain mean and unforgiving. Thanks. -
don't really quite understand your story.. but somehow this sounds familiar to me..
Well.. i did break up with one of my very good friends about 3½ years back.. Due to some problems.. and i got really no choice but jus to end it.. I know it hurts.. but then again.. i know this will eventually heal.. i had my reasons.. she had hers.. No matter how much i explained or she explained.. none will hear each other out.. Reasoning is a very tiring matter.. eventually i stop..
Not receiving her calls and sms.. i guess is time to stop all these nonsense and reasoning we had.. As time goes by.. After few years.. she got her life back.. getting on quite well.. as i happen to see her on streets sometimes..
Though we are not that close friends anymore.. but all those unhappy things had been washed away.. No matter what she's still someone i known for years.. and be friend with.. She's still my friend though.. At least i smiled and say hi when i see her on street.. She does that too..
Time will heal.. even if you had a argument with your friends today.. soon after you both are still friends.. maybe not that close as ever.. but you didn't lose one good friend..Don't be too despair.. Let your friend cool down.. Time passes.. she will forgive and probably contact you again after sometimes.. Don't worry ya..
Cheers..
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awwwee come on... such a petty disagreement
grow up there are so many other ' real' issues out there that causes break ups between good friends ..... -
i did not break up with her; she did. i know it's a petty argument; that's why i didn't understand it. i don't think the actions that she took justified this silly argument. she told me herself she didn't want anything more to do with me.Originally posted by SunRisE:don't really quite understand your story.. but somehow this sounds familiar to me..
Well.. i did break up with one of my very good friends about 3½ years back.. Due to some problems.. and i got really no choice but jus to end it.. I know it hurts.. but then again.. i know this will eventually heal.. i had my reasons.. she had hers.. No matter how much i explained or she explained.. none will hear each other out.. Reasoning is a very tiring matter.. eventually i stop..
Not receiving her calls and sms.. i guess is time to stop all these nonsense and reasoning we had.. As time goes by.. After few years.. she got her life back.. getting on quite well.. as i happen to see her on streets sometimes..
Though we are not that close friends anymore.. but all those unhappy things had been washed away.. No matter what she's still someone i known for years.. and be friend with.. She's still my friend though.. At least i smiled and say hi when i see her on street.. She does that too..
Time will heal.. even if you had a argument with your friends today.. soon after you both are still friends.. maybe not that close as ever.. but you didn't lose one good friend..Don't be too despair.. Let your friend cool down.. Time passes.. she will forgive and probably contact you again after sometimes.. Don't worry ya..
Cheers.. -
People will come & go.
U lose some, u gain some.
Don't get upset.
Go & make new ones. -
Hmm...
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So, no one wants to provide any advice?
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To start. How old are you?Originally posted by wallie:So, no one wants to provide any advice?
A. Personally, there're much things we won't know at this point so no use commenting much on either you or A
I just feel kinda sad that 'A' could be treating and reacting to you this way... But of course, the real reason behind might probably lies more on either your own contact & actions or 'A' in her own point of view or / and influence by her friends?
But one thing which seems much apparent is that you'll need to do some reflection on yourself? Which is something that you should have at least 'feel' or notice by now?
Another question I would like to ask? Why is it that you still write to this guy for help since you've mentioned that you're no longer friends with him? What actually caused the broke up?
From my own point of view. I feel that you're actually a girl who thinks too much. You ponder over and question over tiniest of things which from time to time might have really irritated alot of the people around you?
You can try having some proper talks with 'A' if you want to? But do avoid picking up with each other's mistakes? Alternatively, you can just accept that it's OVER between you and her. And like I've said, reflecting a little more on yourself should do a bit of good?
Take care... -
in that case.. so be it.. If she's determined to do it.. no matter how much you say.. is still not going to change her mind..Originally posted by wallie:i did not break up with her; she did. i know it's a petty argument; that's why i didn't understand it. i don't think the actions that she took justified this silly argument. she told me herself she didn't want anything more to do with me.
Let i say.. jus let things cool down.. soon after.. you'll still be friends.. but jus not as close!
Cheers.. -
i am trying to reflect, but no she refuses to talk abt it. at all. i know it's over, but i'm just trying to get some closure, that's all. the guy i'm writing to is still friends with me, just that we've kinda drifted apart, partly because we've both become attached. nothing happened to blow off our friendship.
i know i must be in the wrong too, but i think it's safe to say both were in the wrong. just like previously when she wanted to get tube tops, i just casually said, i didn't know you wear tube tops now (given her dressing used to be more modest, such as only t-shirts).. and she got mad at me and refused to talk to me for days. -
oh yes, by the way this incident happened last april.. since then she has refused to talk to me properly about it.
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and i am in my 20s.
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Early 20s?Originally posted by wallie:and i am in my 20s.
I'll suggest you can drop it for now...? Not much point for a 'closure' or anything... Not everything's suitable for a 'closure'? -
i cld understand tis feeling, cause i went thru a bizzare & troubling situation with my ex-best fren... somethk which still gets me at times.
We knew in Pri 6, were best of fren thru out secondary sch. He was the kind of fren whom i felt--- the entire world cld abandoned me, but at least i will have him by my side. We cld spent like the entire weekends together, jus a call in the middle of the nite & he will pop over my plc.
During my enlistment into the army, i went into relationships probs. It was at this time that we began to drift apart. I called him several times but he slowly made it known to me that we cld never be like in the past..
At the time when i needed him most, i felt immensely dejected that he had to "abandoned" me in this manner...
There were no quarrels, but his seemingly "indifference" was what made the situation seemed cruel..
Till today, 3 years later, i am still puzzled by what caused us to break up as best frens. Somehow, the emotional scars caused by this incident was greater than any breakup with my girlfrens.
I knew relationships at our young age tend to be instable, but i always tod our friendship cld be more permanent. i desperately needed a "closure" to this incident, to put the past behind me & move on. Maybe caused i am a weak willed, emotional wimp... this incident still gets me from time to time.
The frens i have now are incredibly few. Because of this incident & another concerning a gal that i love most, i developed a notion that: I am a fundementally flawed. I dun know whats the prob, but i jus get this feeling that ppl will avoid me once they know me well??
I am immensely afriad of such sitiations recurring... my only coping strategy is to keep most friendships brief, i have no probs working with ppl in sch at projects & stuff, but i know i its quite hard to get a close fren anymore..
Sometimes, i jus kinda of hate myself. The kind of concern, initatives & interactions i see so common in most relationships is so elusive to me. It's pretty easy for me to be a loner... most of my frens nv contact me anymore, i'm so tired of taking that "initative" & then being forgotten soon after. Its like almost nothing i do, will leave a impression in most ppl...
what a cursed existence... -
[quote]Originally posted by Devil1976:
But one thing which seems much apparent is that you'll need to do some reflection on yourself? Which is something that you should have at least 'feel' or notice by now?
Another question I would like to ask? Why is it that you still write to this guy for help since you've mentioned that you're no longer friends with him? What actually caused the broke up?
From my own point of view. I feel that you're actually a girl who thinks too much. You ponder over and question over tiniest of things which from time to time might have really irritated alot of the people around you?
That sounds suprising like me??!! i guessed i must've pissed off a lot of ppl in the past... The only consolation is, if there's anyone that u want to turn off, jus send me to befriend him. I am the ULTIMATE FRIENDS REPELLANT
You can try having some proper talks with 'A' if you want to? But do avoid picking up with each other's mistakes? Alternatively, you can just accept that it's OVER between you and her. And like I've said, reflecting a little more on yourself should do a bit of good?
Take care...
Yup, having a heart to heart with ur fren. Even if the issue still cant be resloved, it may give u an emotional closure of some sort... hope u get my weird meaning. -
it takes not only a few months.. jus get on with your life.. and don't bother liao.. soon after you both willbe friends again.. if you keep pestering her about this matter.. she get even pissed.. eventually she won't even want to be friends with you again!Originally posted by wallie:oh yes, by the way this incident happened last april.. since then she has refused to talk to me properly about it.
You don't want that to happen.. i know you wanna solve this problem right now.. but then is not the right to do.. jus let her be.. someday when you walked on the streets and happen to bump into.. don't ever mention anything about the past.. jus a casual hi.. and talk abit.. then after.. maybe from there you can slowly contact her again.. and be friends once again..
CHeers.. -
Have MORE CONFIDENCE in YOURSELF. BUILD up NEW FRIENDS and SOCIAL CIRCLE(S).Originally posted by A Beautiful Mind:i cld understand tis feeling, cause i went thru a bizzare & troubling situation with my ex-best fren... somethk which still gets me at times.
We knew in Pri 6, were best of fren thru out secondary sch. He was the kind of fren whom i felt--- the entire world cld abandoned me, but at least i will have him by my side. We cld spent like the entire weekends together, jus a call in the middle of the nite & he will pop over my plc.
During my enlistment into the army, i went into relationships probs. It was at this time that we began to drift apart. I called him several times but he slowly made it known to me that we cld never be like in the past..
At the time when i needed him most, i felt immensely dejected that he had to "abandoned" me in this manner...
There were no quarrels, but his seemingly "indifference" was what made the situation seemed cruel..
Till today, 3 years later, i am still puzzled by what caused us to break up as best frens. Somehow, the emotional scars caused by this incident was greater than any breakup with my girlfrens.
I knew relationships at our young age tend to be instable, but i always tod our friendship cld be more permanent. i desperately needed a "closure" to this incident, to put the past behind me & move on. Maybe caused i am a weak willed, emotional wimp... this incident still gets me from time to time.
The frens i have now are incredibly few. Because of this incident & another concerning a gal that i love most, i developed a notion that: I am a fundementally flawed. I dun know whats the prob, but i jus get this feeling that ppl will avoid me once they know me well??
I am immensely afriad of such sitiations recurring... my only coping strategy is to keep most friendships brief, i have no probs working with ppl in sch at projects & stuff, but i know i its quite hard to get a close fren anymore..
Sometimes, i jus kinda of hate myself. The kind of concern, initatives & interactions i see so common in most relationships is so elusive to me. It's pretty easy for me to be a loner... most of my frens nv contact me anymore, i'm so tired of taking that "initative" & then being forgotten soon after. Its like almost nothing i do, will leave a impression in most ppl...
what a cursed existence...
BE MORE SENSITIVE to the people around you...
By the way, what's your star sign -
Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
We all have many friends in our life.
Those who have relatively huge social circle should understand that most are un-keep-able as time advances.
We do what we can to upkeep those that make meaning to our lives.
Friends
The good ones stands on YOUR side and move with your personal growth.
The fcuked-up ones move against it; your growth.
Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
All must take place if you desire growth.
Good friends don't impede your growth; false ones does.
False ones doesn't know they aint real.
In fact, it's our mind that splits illusionary from reality.
Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
Our causal recognition is but only a facade.
A mask from within; we will never return to a party with our old identity intact.
We gain new identity.
When we sacrifice,
Evolution take places
And changes sinks in.
Cheers -
Growing.Originally posted by Yunhaier:Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
We all have many friends in our life.
Those who have relatively huge social circle should understand that most are un-keep-able as time advances.
We do what we can to upkeep those that make meaning to our lives.
Friends
The good ones stands on YOUR side and move with your personal growth.
The fcuked-up ones move against it; your growth.
Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
All must take place if you desire growth.
Good friends don't impede your growth; false ones does.
False ones doesn't know they aint real.
In fact, it's our mind that splits illusionary from reality.
Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
Our causal recognition is but only a facade.
A mask from within; we will never return to a party with our old identity intact.
We gain new identity.
When we sacrifice,
Evolution take places
And changes sinks in.
Cheers
Read something new -
Hmmm... kinda of understand bits & pieces.Originally posted by Yunhaier:Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
We all have many friends in our life.
Those who have relatively huge social circle should understand that most are un-keep-able as time advances.
We do what we can to upkeep those that make meaning to our lives.
Friends
The good ones stands on YOUR side and move with your personal growth.
The fcuked-up ones move against it; your growth.
Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
All must take place if you desire growth.
Good friends don't impede your growth; false ones does.
False ones doesn't know they aint real.
In fact, it's our mind that splits illusionary from reality.
Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
Our causal recognition is but only a facade.
A mask from within; we will never return to a party with our old identity intact.
We gain new identity.
When we sacrifice,
Evolution take places
And changes sinks in.
Cheers -
Hmmm... kinda of understand bits & pieces.Originally posted by Yunhaier:Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
We all have many friends in our life.
Those who have relatively huge social circle should understand that most are un-keep-able as time advances.
We do what we can to upkeep those that make meaning to our lives.
Friends
The good ones stands on YOUR side and move with your personal growth.
The fcuked-up ones move against it; your growth.
Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
All must take place if you desire growth.
Good friends don't impede your growth; false ones does.
False ones doesn't know they aint real.
In fact, it's our mind that splits illusionary from reality.
Sacrificial
Evolution
Changes
Our causal recognition is but only a facade.
A mask from within; we will never return to a party with our old identity intact.
We gain new identity.
When we sacrifice,
Evolution take places
And changes sinks in.
Cheers