Is love enough?
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Hi, need some advice.
I am very different from my bf as I am conservative, he is open-minded. I don't like people to talk vulgarities but he uses the words freely on those who crossed his paths. He is impatient and quick tempered whereas I accumulate my tots and explode at 1 go.
We are defensive about ourselves when we try to talk to each other about our weak points. Very stubborn and opinionated.. and we almost never give in to each other.
Thing is... we like each other a lot.. even though we have broken up so many times, suffered many rough patches.. quarreled almost every other day, we still hang on to the relationship.
What I'm afraid most is we might not be able to stand each other if we were to get married... together for about 2yrs + already...
Out of impulse, we bought a place , which will only be ready in a few yrs time... he is very sure of us.. but I am the one who is thinking a lot.. like if we could end up together and get married.. where we will be staying etc..
Very vexed.. is love really enough to keep the whole thing going and overcome all odds?? Am I just being too timid... thinking too much? -
Well, perhaps you should tell him what you are thinking. Its abit late cos of the flat but it will be very late once you all start to take wedding photos and thinking of who to invite to wedding dinner and where they will be sitting. be fair to yourself and to him too....gai fang shou shi xu fang shou.
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Yup told him my tots but he felt that I am too negative. He said that we should have faith in ourselves, that we can overcome everything.
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Hello Timble. Most of the time we all want to have a desirable relationship, in which the guy should be caring, gentle yet manly. And the girl should be supportive and loving. But there's always a big difference between ideal and reality.Originally posted by timble:Hi, need some advice.
I am very different from my bf as I am conservative, he is open-minded. I don't like people to talk vulgarities but he uses the words freely on those who crossed his paths. He is impatient and quick tempered whereas I accumulate my tots and explode at 1 go.
We are defensive about ourselves when we try to talk to each other about our weak points. Very stubborn and opinionated.. and we almost never give in to each other.
Thing is... we like each other a lot.. even though we have broken up so many times, suffered many rough patches.. quarreled almost every other day, we still hang on to the relationship.
What I'm afraid most is we might not be able to stand each other if we were to get married... together for about 2yrs + already...
Out of impulse, we bought a place , which will only be ready in a few yrs time... he is very sure of us.. but I am the one who is thinking a lot.. like if we could end up together and get married.. where we will be staying etc..
Very vexed.. is love really enough to keep the whole thing going and overcome all odds?? Am I just being too timid... thinking too much?
Life is complicated. Lets face it. And why so ? Its not the world that presents itself that makes things complicated.. its how you want to think that makes complications even more... complicated.
Take for example, your bf's 'vulgarity'. To you, its probably a matter of etiquette, or rather ur bf's lack of it. To him, its probably a freedom of speech, a way to express his thoughts and release tension. This is a 2-way ideal.
Find time to sit down alone, and sort things out alone. Ask yourself what is the real problem that causes the 2 of u to have frequent arguements ? Are the 2 of u communicating effectively during the arguements ?
Or is there the ego problem ? Because neither would want to really sit down and listen, enforcing your own theories.
I feel the question ultimately is not 'Is love enough' ? It is 'Are we really listening' ?
Just my 2 cents.. hope this helps a little at least.
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if your bf refuses to change his ways, then forget about this relationship, let alone marriage. don't embark on the uneviable path of marriage only to have regrets later. you should know better whether you both possess the equanmity and maturity to handle whatever problems that come your way before making such a commitment.Originally posted by timble:Hi, need some advice.
I am very different from my bf as I am conservative, he is open-minded. I don't like people to talk vulgarities but he uses the words freely on those who crossed his paths. He is impatient and quick tempered whereas I accumulate my tots and explode at 1 go.
We are defensive about ourselves when we try to talk to each other about our weak points. Very stubborn and opinionated.. and we almost never give in to each other.
Thing is... we like each other a lot.. even though we have broken up so many times, suffered many rough patches.. quarreled almost every other day, we still hang on to the relationship.
What I'm afraid most is we might not be able to stand each other if we were to get married... together for about 2yrs + already...
Out of impulse, we bought a place , which will only be ready in a few yrs time... he is very sure of us.. but I am the one who is thinking a lot.. like if we could end up together and get married.. where we will be staying etc..
Very vexed.. is love really enough to keep the whole thing going and overcome all odds?? Am I just being too timid... thinking too much? -
I think both of you have come these far. So why don't you think what makes you registered for a flat with him in the first place?
I do confess that even couple with 5 years of relationship also agreed that they do not really know each other well. So let alone your 2 years plus.
Come on.., nobody can garantee a happy couple now will live happily ever after they got married. Neither can anyone garantee that an average couple will not find blissful family life after they got married.
So what is your heart that's telling you ??? If you think he is the type you are looking for then stay on. If he is not, better open your eyes before everything is too late. I will not try to be too lengthy, in marriage's life, there is even more tolerance, understanding, care, concern, trust..etc needed. If you think you cannot give and take then you better twice.!!
Divorce will only break both hearts, create unhappiness around both, what worse if there is kids around.
Be logic and resonable, love is blind. But spare thoughts for the roads both have walked till now.
Good luck -
logically?
if you have 2nd thoughts, it tells you immediately something is wrong... fix it... if you are unable to, marriage isn't going to solve anything at all...
emotionally?
you have said that the both of you fight a lot.. this is going to take a toll on the both of you.. don't end up being angry and bitter after many years down the road? you say you love him, but does he love you? one way streets tend to end up in a bad crash if it's a deadend ahead...
i wish the both of you well... but a marriage is not something done on impulse... and love sometimes just isn't enough...
what is recommended is a totally honest talk between the both of you.. where ego, temper, pride is left outside the door.. and this should be done after a period of soul-searching...
thrash out the problems the both of you have with each other...
only then do you have a chance at a happy marriage.. -
Just imagine this - Can you accept living with this man for the rest of your life? Waking up beside him everyday, accepting all his virtues and faults? Can you? If you accept a man, accept everything that he may represents, including his family background, his habits, his future potential changes etc. etc. Can you?Originally posted by timble:Hi, need some advice.
I am very different from my bf as I am conservative, he is open-minded. I don't like people to talk vulgarities but he uses the words freely on those who crossed his paths. He is impatient and quick tempered whereas I accumulate my tots and explode at 1 go.
We are defensive about ourselves when we try to talk to each other about our weak points. Very stubborn and opinionated.. and we almost never give in to each other.
Thing is... we like each other a lot.. even though we have broken up so many times, suffered many rough patches.. quarreled almost every other day, we still hang on to the relationship.
What I'm afraid most is we might not be able to stand each other if we were to get married... together for about 2yrs + already...
Out of impulse, we bought a place , which will only be ready in a few yrs time... he is very sure of us.. but I am the one who is thinking a lot.. like if we could end up together and get married.. where we will be staying etc..
Very vexed.. is love really enough to keep the whole thing going and overcome all odds?? Am I just being too timid... thinking too much? -
I love your advices! Very wise..Originally posted by the Bear:logically?
if you have 2nd thoughts, it tells you immediately something is wrong... fix it... if you are unable to, marriage isn't going to solve anything at all...
emotionally?
you have said that the both of you fight a lot.. this is going to take a toll on the both of you.. don't end up being angry and bitter after many years down the road? you say you love him, but does he love you? one way streets tend to end up in a bad crash if it's a deadend ahead...
i wish the both of you well... but a marriage is not something done on impulse... and love sometimes just isn't enough...
what is recommended is a totally honest talk between the both of you.. where ego, temper, pride is left outside the door.. and this should be done after a period of soul-searching...
thrash out the problems the both of you have with each other...
only then do you have a chance at a happy marriage.. -
I cannot encourage you, neither can I discourage you based on what you posted.
Personally, I'm married, and my wife is just as argumentative, quick tempered (and I'm worst), as well as opinionated & obstinate. We argue and squabbled over trivial matters a lot, but in the end, we still make up and continue to love each other.
Sometimes, it doesn't mean that if you argue or quarrel a lot with your partner, it will equate to total incompatibility. It could in fact, strengthen a relationship.
There's a saying; what cannot kill you, will only make you stronger.
Remember this, next time you argue or quarrel; Love is the same, but minds are never the same. -
A relationship is too complex to know if yours will work out or not just based on what you wrote. There are too many other factors to consider.
However I believe if you're not sure, don't make any rash, big decisions... especially if a large sum of money is involved, like buying a house.
Give the relationship more time to see how it develops. -
You guys might want to see a pre-marriage counseller if you are really uncomfortable and unsure about the whole thing.