Is love enogh - part 2
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Tks for replying to my previous mesg.
Juz quarreled w my bf. He cancelled the house cos i can't decide if we could get along for the rest of my life n also if we were to get the house, wherewe should stay n so on.
Told my mum that we cancelled the house cos he is unhappy that I can't make up my mind. After our quarrel, he went home to cancel.
Told him what i told my mum, and he flared up, saying that I am trying to harm him. My mum didn't even blame him.
Now he wants to break up, saying that I always say it's him. And he practically hang up on me and scold me everytime I called to explain. I really feel so vexed.
We have been together for 2 yrs plus and still we are communicating like that.
And as usual, he complain to his bro that I can't decide so cancel the house. And he told his relatives that I quarreled with him, that's why didn't go to the Xmas celebration..n which.. I actually called to go...
We can't even be united in front of everybody else. He always feel that I am the problem in this relationship cos of my indecisiveness. But he didn't give me enough assurance to begin with. And I can sense his impatience as days go by. I just stick on to my values... and he felt it was stupid values...
I ask him if he can compliment me, he just said things like.. wat;s there to praise me abt... when i m always so negative..
I feel so sad... he can b very sweet if he wants to.. but i really dunno how we can get along...cs he always pick on me when i missed his calls, not on purpose as i dun carry my hp ard the house n sometimes forget to switch mode. Told him he can call my house but he simply refused... n said that i could at least show some appreciation as he sends me home nearly everyday.
can't bear to leave him.. but can sense his love n respect for me diminishing...
so childish f us... -
Originally posted by timble:Tks for replying to my previous mesg.
Juz quarreled w my bf. He cancelled the house cos i can't decide if we could get along for the rest of my life n also if we were to get the house, wherewe should stay n so on.
Told my mum that we cancelled the house cos he is unhappy that I can't make up my mind. After our quarrel, he went home to cancel.
Told him what i told my mum, and he flared up, saying that I am trying to harm him. My mum didn't even blame him.
Now he wants to break up, saying that I always say it's him. And he practically hang up on me and scold me everytime I called to explain. I really feel so vexed.
We have been together for 2 yrs plus and still we are communicating like that.
And as usual, he complain to his bro that I can't decide so cancel the house. And he told his relatives that I quarreled with him, that's why didn't go to the Xmas celebration..n which.. I actually called to go...
We can't even be united in front of everybody else. He always feel that I am the problem in this relationship cos of my indecisiveness. But he didn't give me enough assurance to begin with. And I can sense his impatience as days go by. I just stick on to my values... and he felt it was stupid values...
I ask him if he can compliment me, he just said things like.. wat;s there to praise me abt... when i m always so negative..
I feel so sad... he can b very sweet if he wants to.. but i really dunno how we can get along...cs he always pick on me when i missed his calls, not on purpose as i dun carry my hp ard the house n sometimes forget to switch mode. Told him he can call my house but he simply refused... n said that i could at least show some appreciation as he sends me home nearly everyday.
can't bear to leave him.. but can sense his love n respect for me diminishing... so childish f us...
It seemed that love is strong, but individualism is stronger.
In marriage, it is a mixture of mutual strength, the power of compromising and the dissolving of personal ego that breeds individualism. Your relationship stays because love retains your heart, but that doesn't mean marriage could follow. Personality conflicts rain heavily on your relationship - you need break those harden soul and blend the lighter substances into the soft interior of your BGR.
As again, for those break-patch relationship, C|oUdiSm remix III states that the relationship usually dies after the second break. (This is modify by reasons of coming together, time taken and other factors). Often, in relationship, we delay the inevitable and hope that things will change. However history simply repeats itself - coming together just to split again. Holding on to things we ought to let go in the past.
Not true?
We have been together for 2 yrs plus and still we are communicating like that.
Getting a house will generate greater problem. Your child-like relationship is not ready for such additional burden to your relationship. Imagine a small boat trying to hold more loads - it would sink faster than you could think.
P.S: There is a serious need to review your relationship. If it has to end this time, there is NO need to patch again in the future. Understand that temporary trying to sever a relationship, to think that you could avoid/solve current problems, only serve to kill your relationship without you consciously knowing. This is called Cumulative Effect under CloUdiSm.
Even if you want to repair your relationship, you wouldn't even know where to start. Too many holes everywhere.
Cheers -
Hi Timble, sorry to hear about your issue.
Ever given this a thought : Are you really hanging on for the sake of this relationship or are you really hanging on because you cannot face being single again ?
May sound like a harsh question, but reality bites ya ? -
Why would he always want you to make up your mind?
Can't he make his own decision?
Seems that Yunhaier's comment is true.
Your relationship is getting more self-focused this time, so, watch out!
Now that he has mentioned the word break up, you should know what's on his mind.
If he can't even handle such relationship with you. What makes you think that marriage and living together will solve the problem?
It's better to be friends then.
S.H.I.N. -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
This is good....
Getting a house will generate greater problem. Your child-like relationship is not ready for such additional burden to your relationship. Imagine a small boat trying to hold more loads - it would sink faster than you could think.
P.S: [b]There is a serious need to review your relationship. If it has to end this time, there is NO need to patch again in the future. Understand that temporary trying to sever a relationship, to think that you could avoid/solve current problems, only serve to kill your relationship without you consciously knowing. This is called Cumulative Effect under CloUdiSm.
Even if you want to repair your relationship, you wouldn't even know where to start. Too many holes everywhere.
Cheers [/b]
IN ADDITION, Timble. I've already said what I wanna say to you. It is not a time of who to blame now. You know where both of you are heading. 'Hope' itself sometimes is not enough without a direct solution, especially when issues can be extremes. Good luck. -
Hi all...tk u...
Yunhaier, think you described the situation very well. We are too individualistic and it's going in circles. Just like 2 children... playing hide and seek, befriending, not befriending each other if we feel that we are being ignored. After he cancelled the house, everything seems to go back to yr 1 again.. where hangin up, walkig away... quarreling threatening...comparing with exs... are occuring again...
cumulative effect.. no wonder we feel so frustrated over ever single thing...
Alleycat...got wat u mean...I have many frens who are still single... and during our many "breakups"... I actually felt peaceful being single with them... however, I still miss him a lot.. so if he calls to make up, we'll be back together...n there were happy times too...though it's always short
keuriseudo... he feels tat I am the one who is always unsure abt him and everthing else. So the problem lies with me.So I should be the one making the decision.
If we really end here... could it be that I am not suitable for BGR at all? Perhaps i am just too negative to be in a BGR...
Regards
Timble -
I wouldnt say that you're negative in BGR, its just a lesson you would have to go through. Remember that no one makes a total mistake as long as the lesson is learnt here.Originally posted by timble:Hi all...tk u...
Yunhaier, think you described the situation very well. We are too individualistic and it's going in circles. Just like 2 children... playing hide and seek, befriending, not befriending each other if we feel that we are being ignored. After he cancelled the house, everything seems to go back to yr 1 again.. where hangin up, walkig away... quarreling threatening...comparing with exs... are occuring again...
cumulative effect.. no wonder we feel so frustrated over ever single thing...
Alleycat...got wat u mean...I have many frens who are still single... and during our many "breakups"... I actually felt peaceful being single with them... however, I still miss him a lot.. so if he calls to make up, we'll be back together...n there were happy times too...though it's always short
keuriseudo... he feels tat I am the one who is always unsure abt him and everthing else. So the problem lies with me.So I should be the one making the decision.
If we really end here... could it be that I am not suitable for BGR at all? Perhaps i am just too negative to be in a BGR...
Regards
Timble
No matter how perfect the person can be, he/she will definitely face relationship problems. Its just a matter of working things out. Perhaps you're going through a real lesson now, but when you walk out of this, its definite that you'll be stronger than your counterparts.
Do not be too quick to be self-critical. Thats what bogs you down and clouds your better judgement.
I sincerely do hope you will be back to your happy self again
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keuriseudo... he feels tat I am the one who is always unsure abt him and everthing else. So the problem lies with me.So I should be the one making the decision.
timble, read between my lines again. Go now. Read. Read it again.
I didn't say that you can't make up your mind, did I?
Frankly, I feel that as a man, one must be decisive and not just let the woman to decide most of the time.
He should make decisions at all times, of course, after a period of discussions with the woman.
Problem does not lies with you alone. But also with the guy. If he always forces you to make up ur mind, don't u think he's becoming more and more undecisive? Would you want to be with a wussy? Or, with a real man who makes good decisions in the end?
I am sure, that as a girl you know what you are looking for in a man.
Good Luck. -
No point making such generalisations here. If you feel that things might not have been right with yourself, spend some time thinking through it and try to do some modifications to the way you would usually handle a relationship?Originally posted by timble:Hi all...tk u...
Yunhaier, think you described the situation very well. We are too individualistic and it's going in circles. Just like 2 children... playing hide and seek, befriending, not befriending each other if we feel that we are being ignored. After he cancelled the house, everything seems to go back to yr 1 again.. where hangin up, walkig away... quarreling threatening...comparing with exs... are occuring again...
cumulative effect.. no wonder we feel so frustrated over ever single thing...
Alleycat...got wat u mean...I have many frens who are still single... and during our many "breakups"... I actually felt peaceful being single with them... however, I still miss him a lot.. so if he calls to make up, we'll be back together...n there were happy times too...though it's always short
keuriseudo... he feels tat I am the one who is always unsure abt him and everthing else. So the problem lies with me.So I should be the one making the decision.
If we really end here... could it be that I am not suitable for BGR at all? Perhaps i am just too negative to be in a BGR...
Regards
Timble -
i think.. it really depends.
do you feel you are very indecisive? perhaps your indecision doesn't just start from location of new house or whatever, but your subconscious is evaluating if you really DO want to move on to a far more serious relationship with him.
There are many different types of love. Sometimes, love can be born out of habit. You are just so used to having it around. It is like your smelly little pillow that you have as a kid. No much reasons to love it, but if mom throws it away, you just can't sleep comfortably.
But we are not talking about a little pillow here. We are talking about a bed.
And if you want to sleep safely, stably, then you need a bed that you feel secure with, that you don't feel worried that at night after a hard day's work, and all you need is some comfort and rest, you know this bed won't let you down and collapse or something. And if you don't have that, the rest of your life disintegrates around you, and you can lose your perspective of life.
Maybe you really need to be honest with yourself. Are you really indecisive and vacillating? Do you change your mind a lot? If you really are like that, then I think you need to honestly admit that it would frustrate people when your decisions are important to them.
BUT if your indecision is due to something far more deep... perhaps it is time to REALLY self reflect before you commit yourself to something you regret. -
i think both parties need some time to mature..
together or apart... the need is there...
if he does not respect you now because of decisions made about your life (and seems like they were right decisions), how is he going to respect anyone at all?
hey... be well..
with or without him...
don't let your fear of change or letting go chain you to a spiral of misery... -
Ask you bf.. if he likes the way you are ?
He should not treat you as what he wants you to be.
You are not an actress. -
Ask you bf.. if he likes the way you are ?
He should not treat you as what he wants you to be.
You are not an actress. -
Originally posted by timble:Hi all...tk u...
Yunhaier, think you described the situation very well. We are too individualistic and it's going in circles. Just like 2 children... playing hide and seek, befriending, not befriending each other if we feel that we are being ignored. After he cancelled the house, everything seems to go back to yr 1 again.. where hangin up, walkig away... quarreling threatening...comparing with exs... are occuring again...
cumulative effect.. no wonder we feel so frustrated over ever single thing...
Alleycat...got wat u mean...I have many frens who are still single... and during our many "breakups"... I actually felt peaceful being single with them... however, I still miss him a lot.. so if he calls to make up, we'll be back together...n there were happy times too...though it's always short
keuriseudo... he feels tat I am the one who is always unsure abt him and everthing else. So the problem lies with me.So I should be the one making the decision.
If we really end here... could it be that I am not suitable for BGR at all? Perhaps i am just too negative to be in a BGR...
Regards
Timble You took the patching issue too lightly and created your own current plight.
It seemed that whenever either initiated the break - he could easily earn it back, simply by asking. I understand that feelings is there, but there is hardly any side thoughts, hestitation, consideration or similar. He ask, he gets it.
It cheapened the value of your own relationship and created the chain of break-patch cycle, with every periodic relationship-stress.
You thought the previous problems is solved? Hell no.
It accumulates and stack like books. And when tension brew and you start ranting about the previous issues, the other is pissed. Shouldn't you NOT bring up the past and damage the current relationship?
There is no way you can escape this without arguments.
Then a break in induced and the cycle repeats.
This is Cumulative Effect - it accumulates ALL problems and gave them strength in unity... to destroy your relationship.
It's almost guarantee that this phenomenon is irrevocable; meaning once it take place, you can't drive it away. You know fugus living on trees? It sucks the tree's vitality until the day it perish. No problem is worst than problems that comes from within - internal environment.
P.S: Do not allow this to demoralise you from future relationship. If there is a need to learn from somewhere, you began from here.
Cheers