Practicalities in r/s?
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Let me ask u guys one question. If there was a girl who was very practical to be with (can work well with you and make your life quite comfy) would you take the girl as your gf even if you have no feelings towards her? The girl seems to have some feelings towards you. In such a situation can love be cultivated, like enter into a r/s with her and try to like her?
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Yes, it can. There are many couples, especially those in our parents' generation and older, who didn't really share any intense passion between them, yet have stayed together longer in their relationships.
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not for me...i wont get into a relationship and then try to like the person..it's just not me..
before i get in..i gotta have feelings for her.. -
in the long run, its chemistry not passion that lasts
yet, i read this funky quote somewhere
"dont marry the girl you can live with
marry the girl you can't live without"
=P -
Must need to have feelings first...
Don't love her just because you need her...Want her not just because she can make your life comfy...Love her because you truly feel it...
Love cannot be forced, it can be developed over time but if the chemistry is not there, no matter what you do, the r/s will not last forever... -
May i ask, what exactly is chemistry? If a girl can get along well wif u but u have no feelings for her would you consider that chemistry?Originally posted by rainee:Must need to have feelings first...
Don't love her just because you need her...Want her not just because she can make your life comfy...Love her because you truly feel it...
Love cannot be forced, it can be developed over time but if the chemistry is not there, no matter what you do, the r/s will not last forever... -
passion, feeling and so forth...these are temporal only. guys, you need to pay real attention to a whole host of things... does the girl treat you right, how she gets along with your family, especially your folks and is she the type that demands you to leave your friends. trust me, i've known plenty of man wanting out after marriage because of the above reasons.....
other thing is finance....money talks man, if you ain't got it...you cannot imagine how difficult it is to support a family....a 4 person family can easily cost you $3k to $4k monthly just to 'break even'...and what more with everything increasing, latest is public transport fare....so you got to be really practical......do not let the hormones rule... -
No.I am not trying to sell myself.Originally posted by ramblingjoe:Let me ask u guys one question. If there was a girl who was very practical to be with (can work well with you and make your life quite comfy) would you take the girl as your gf even if you have no feelings towards her? The girl seems to have some feelings towards you. In such a situation can love be cultivated, like enter into a r/s with her and try to like her? -
No, I would not consider that chemistry. Chemistry is the unmistakable feelings that are shared by both parties. Not just by one.Originally posted by ramblingjoe:May i ask, what exactly is chemistry? If a girl can get along well wif u but u have no feelings for her would you consider that chemistry? -
Dear RamblingJoe,
It's been a long time since you've posted. How are you, & how is working in Vietnam? : )
To answer your question, I would hope that my guy isn't with me because of whatever I can bring him, but because he genuinely loves me for who I am. Just pose yourself the question, whether or Not you would feel good if you found out that a girl wanted to be with you because of the security you bring, Not due to your personality.
It's hard to fall in love with someone after splitting with someone whom you'd loved for a long time, but before you enter a relationship now, please give yourself enough time to heal. Only then, will you be able to enter another relationship for the right reason, love.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by ramblingjoe:Let me ask u guys one question. If there was a girl who was very practical to be with (can work well with you and make your life quite comfy) would you take the girl as your gf even if you have no feelings towards her? The girl seems to have some feelings towards you. In such a situation can love be cultivated, like enter into a r/s with her and try to like her? -
To start... I would like to tell you that I probably won't be going into such a relationship... Okie.. Back to reality...Originally posted by ramblingjoe:Let me ask u guys one question. If there was a girl who was very practical to be with (can work well with you and make your life quite comfy) would you take the girl as your gf even if you have no feelings towards her? The girl seems to have some feelings towards you. In such a situation can love be cultivated, like enter into a r/s with her and try to like her?
I've been through such relationships before... Things often just work out quite smoothly... Like what you've said, love might just slowly cook its way out from there.. Even if it doesn't, the feeling's often rather mutual... And so comfortable that neither party would be too quick into anything else....
Personally, I feel that it's the mentality of both parties and what you wish to get out of the relationship... Ultimately, are you okie with just how things are...? -
A good point to mention here... Often there're 2 main ways in which things can work out....Originally posted by Tuatau:Yes, it can. There are many couples, especially those in our parents' generation and older, who didn't really share any intense passion between them, yet have stayed together longer in their relationships.
The 1st being the more common one nowadays is to have love... And from there, try to shape it into a lasting (if that's what the couple wants) relationship.... Okie... Maybe I should say 'fulfilling relationship' are better words...?
The 2nd would be sort of like what Tuatau has suggested and the topic starter has brought up.... 2 people fit into a picture, and see if they can find love out of it.... A more 'misty' way of putting it would be how friendships can develop into love relationships... -
sorry, but u give me the feeling that you are trying to be a little white face...no offence though...Originally posted by ramblingjoe:Let me ask u guys one question. If there was a girl who was very practical to be with (can work well with you and make your life quite comfy) would you take the girl as your gf even if you have no feelings towards her? The girl seems to have some feelings towards you. In such a situation can love be cultivated, like enter into a r/s with her and try to like her? -
i 2nd that..Originally posted by countdracula:passion, feeling and so forth...these are temporal only. guys, you need to pay real attention to a whole host of things... does the girl treat you right, how she gets along with your family, especially your folks and is she the type that demands you to leave your friends. trust me, i've known plenty of man wanting out after marriage because of the above reasons.....
other thing is finance....money talks man, if you ain't got it...you cannot imagine how difficult it is to support a family....a 4 person family can easily cost you $3k to $4k monthly just to 'break even'...and what more with everything increasing, latest is public transport fare....so you got to be really practical......do not let the hormones rule...
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Originally posted by Devil1976:To start... I would like to tell you that I probably won't be going into such a relationship... Okie.. Back to reality...
I've been through such relationships before... Things often just work out quite smoothly... Like what you've said, love might just slowly cook its way out from there.. Even if it doesn't, the feeling's often rather mutual... And so comfortable that neither party would be too quick into anything else....
Personally, I feel that it's the mentality of both parties and what you wish to get out of the relationship... Ultimately, are you okie with just how things are...?
X2.
If you can accept such a deal, do not retrace your route and end up telling yourself that you didn't actually love her in the first place and break up with her sometime in the future. Such things do happen and it's all part of the risk of going ahead with such relationship.
Feelings can be developed, conversely, nothing can happen.
Cheers -
i'm thinking b4...tis person maybe ur "ideal" partner but i feel tat iwun feel happy..although "happiness" seem to work. personally believe tat love is the most important n sustain the marriage.
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If the reason to be with her is that she's a good colleague and her ability to provide for a family, it could either mean the person is in need of a partner or he truly believe he can love someone whom he has no feelings even after working with her for some time.
If love( or even attraction) is to ever to be cultivated, it begins from knowing one another as friends not at the beginning of the relationship.
'Entering into a r/s and trying to like her' can be a selfish act esp when u state that the girl seems to have feelings.
Previously, i've tried to like someone whom i've no interest in both physically and personality. He could provide me a financially stable life, but It din work out. Instead, i chose a guy whom wasn't that financially stable. We loved and worked our way to a better life. I felt its much happier that way
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Like I've said, very much dependent on mentality of both parties... A 'safer' bet would be a 'no obligation' kind of relationship development... But no doubt, there can be quite alot of misunderstandings and complications when both parties are working on a different frequency ultimately....Originally posted by Yunhaier: X2.
If you can accept such a deal, do not retrace your route and end up telling yourself that you didn't actually love her in the first place and break up with her sometime in the future. Such things do happen and it's all part of the risk of going ahead with such relationship.
Feelings can be developed, conversely, nothing can happen.
Cheers -
if the ger gets along well with ur family, and ur parents love her, she will ask u if u wanna go out with ur frenz, n treats u ok.. so she's a good catch?Originally posted by countdracula:passion, feeling and so forth...these are temporal only. guys, you need to pay real attention to a whole host of things... does the girl treat you right, how she gets along with your family, especially your folks and is she the type that demands you to leave your friends. trust me, i've known plenty of man wanting out after marriage because of the above reasons.....
other thing is finance....money talks man, if you ain't got it...you cannot imagine how difficult it is to support a family....a 4 person family can easily cost you $3k to $4k monthly just to 'break even'...and what more with everything increasing, latest is public transport fare....so you got to be really practical......do not let the hormones rule... -
You could try to develop the friendship and see if sparks fly... before you commit to a relationship. If you're still not fond of her, I don't see why you should bother. Keep her as a friend.
I'd be insulted if a guy were with me for convenience. A relationship is not a 7-11 store, hon.
As for Tautau's previous post about lasting relationships in our parents' generation ... that's because the cost of divorce was so great that it's a major deterrent. Now, the option of opting out is easy. We've totally different mindsets and you won't react like someone from the past generation.
The dollar and sense mentioned by countdracula is practical but you're not hiring an accountant, nor are you considering marriage yet, so it's not entirely relevant. Anyway being friends first allows you to find out more about her values and priorities.Originally posted by ramblingjoe:Let me ask u guys one question. If there was a girl who was very practical to be with (can work well with you and make your life quite comfy) would you take the girl as your gf even if you have no feelings towards her? The girl seems to have some feelings towards you. In such a situation can love be cultivated, like enter into a r/s with her and try to like her? -
The dollar and sense mentioned by countdracula is practical but you're not hiring an accountant, nor are you considering marriage yet, so it's not entirely relevant. Anyway being friends first allows you to find out more about her values and priorities.
i'm not being defensive here, but unless you walk the walk, you've got no idea what's in store ahead of you.
before you let the sparks fly, speak to those in marriage. if you think money ranks lowly in a marriage, then you don't know half of it. true, you can't measure happiness by how much you have but you sure can measure how miserable by how much you do not have. look at the debt situation in singapore, many folks including graduates are maxing out their cards and it's not always for shopping or luxury goods.
the irony of life is such... you want kids but then you work late thru the night to get that career, but by the time you are at your death bed, you'll never hear anyone saying they wished they had spent more time at work...but then if you don't have double income, you'll find life is tough... -
Hi countdracula
FYI, I am walking the walk.
I get your point about money being important in a marriage. No money = hard life, poor standard of living for family, etc. I don't refute that.
Neither did I claim that money ranks lowly in a marriage. What I meant was ramblingjoe was looking for a gf not a wife thus the situation isn't exactly the same. But I get that you're warning him of what may come.
So what are you recommending ramblingjoe do, find a girlfriend or wife purely based on her income potential, financial contribution, and attitude to work and family?
You know the irony is, if a girl found a husband that way, she'd be called "materialistic " .
What if feelings don't grow after being together? End up with a filthy rich couple who hate each other to the core? That's happiness?
I think a balance can be achieved. Personally the very seed of a relationship should be a liking for each other. After that, the practicalities come in, atittudes to money, career, priorities, etc.
I don't agreee that practicalities should come before spark. However that doesn't mean that practicalities should be neglected in preference of the spark. -
money does not rank low, I agreed!!Originally posted by countdracula:i'm not being defensive here, but unless you walk the walk, you've got no idea what's in store ahead of you.
before you let the sparks fly, speak to those in marriage. if you think money ranks lowly in a marriage, then you don't know half of it. true, you can't measure happiness by how much you have but you sure can measure how miserable by how much you do not have. look at the debt situation in singapore, many folks including graduates are maxing out their cards and it's not always for shopping or luxury goods.
the irony of life is such... you want kids but then you work late thru the night to get that career, but by the time you are at your death bed, you'll never hear anyone saying they wished they had spent more time at work...but then if you don't have double income, you'll find life is tough...
if u don't have that much money, just try to spend less loh!!
most ppl who max out their cards are those who spent beyond their income or budget.
how many ppl have u seen that max out their cards becos of living expenses.
Life is not really that tough, it is just whether u are satisfied with what u have
What is the use of money if u don't enjoy yr life!!
U slogged yr life to earn so much money for what? to have a very hefty amt in yr bank account, to see what a comfortable life u can give yr family, to own a nice car? is that really what u want in life?
I come from a poor family, my father is the only breadwinner in the family but we still live happily though he doesn't earn much!!
I can't go on holiday like my friends does during holiday or vacation, I just live with it, the only thing that differ yr thinking n mine is the fact I know my needs n wants!