Miscommuncation
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I've found that the reason why I broke up with my ex was due to a simple act of miscommunication. I've been doing some thinking and I think this was the main reason why we broke off. It was because of miscommuncation that all the blaming , hating , shouting etc started coming in....
So is it possible for couples to come back together if the main reason why they broke up was because of miscommunication? -
Was the reason for the break-up just plain "miscommunication "? Are things really so simple?
How about lack of trust and understanding? You should probably work on building those up first before you come together, otherwise you might just break up again because of yet another "miscommunication ". -
Could you please elaborate on the term Trust and Understanding?
Thanks -
need to know what type of miscommunication are you talking about.
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Originally posted by rammstein619:
Sure, but for the answer to be more applicable to you, it'd help if one understood more of your situation.
Could you please elaborate on the term "Trust and Understanding?"
Could you perhaps give a brief summary of events that led up to the break-up? -
Okay will explain to you all later , I'm having lessons now
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Before I start , I would like you all to be in the mind of a 17 year old teen who knows nuts about being in a relationship...
It all started when for 2 weeks she did not contact me. Apparently she did not top up her hicard. She did not tell me anything about being "away" for quite sometime. So obviously I was freaking worried. I told myself to calm down which I evantually did for the first week , come the 2nd week of communicardo , paranoia somehow took control of me. I just could not contact her in anyway possible (Her parents would kill me if I called her house). So when I finally managed to contact her through by calling her home and asked her what happened , she said that she was bombarded by school projects and has no time to contact me , let alone even top up her hicard. Then she said she wanna break because she wanted to concentrate on her studies. I was hesitant at first but eventually gave in because I respected her decision....
2 weeks later , I got a sms from her. She asked whether we could talk on the phone and so we did. She started being hostile towards me for whatever reason she had. She's always picking on events which happened to me and make it into a big matter. For example , I hated my ex manager who screwed me upside down for not serving the prawn sauce at a wedding function ( I was working part time banquet at that time). I hated him to the core and as such , I often cursed and sweared at him in front of my friends. Such a matter like this , she would say I don't know how to face challenges and stuff..saying I'm inmature for saying profanities at my ex boss blar blar blar. I mean , it's my own personal problem , it has nothing to do with her. She just wanted to find fault with my own personal problems at that point in time. She also said that SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WOULD NOT ABLE TO CONTACT ME FOR A FEW WEEKS AS SHE HAS LOTS OF PROJECTS TO DO but the thing here is that I swear I don't remember she telling me anything about her not being able to contact me because of her projects. Then she come and say I don't respect her decision concerning her studies because I told her before we were together that studies are important blar blar blar. But she did not tell me anything about she being super busy with her projects so much so that she could not contact me for a few weeks. So how was I suppose to know that she was bombarded by her school projects.
Throughout the entire conversation , she was finding faults with my own personal problems and shouting at me at the same time. I though maybe she freaking stress with her projects that she wants to vent her frustration at me. Now that I don't mind because I found out her true colours and went through some rough times before we ended up together. I did not go looking for another girl just because I found out that she can be hot tempered at times but just decided to love her for what she really is. I mean no one is perfect , everyone has flaws and I accepted her for what she really is. Seriously I don't mind she venting her frustrations on me instead of venting it on someone else which might get into trouble.
The thing here is , 3 months on and she's still the same , well according to her friend.
So is it possible given the necessary circumstances for us to be together again? I'm not asking for us to patch up immediately but rather start off a fresh as friends again before proceeding on to the next level....
I admit some of my acts may seem immature or stupid in a sense but then again , It's a learning process in life..... -
Originally posted by rammstein619:
Thanks for the account. You sound pretty mature for a 17-year-old.
So is it possible given the necessary circumstances for us to be together again? I'm not asking for us to patch up immediately but rather start off a fresh as friends again before proceeding on to the next level....
I admit some of my acts may seem immature or stupid in a sense but then again , It's a learning process in life.....
Based on your side of the story, it does sound like your ex-girlfriend can be quite temperamental. Temperamental people are usually not easy to get along with, but she must have some pretty attractive qualities for which you are willing to put up with her flaws and accept her for what she is.
From your analysis, you do seem to have a good grasp of understanding her character and you may have shown a basic level of trust when she went somewhat incommunicado for more than a week. However, both your accounts did not really touch on how you actually broke up. It may be a touchy topic, but was it she or you who initiated the break-up? Or was there any explicit mention of "break-up" at all -- are you two just going through this "cold war" phase? Such details might help us (as well as yourself) understand the situation better.
One more thing: About yourself. It is understandable if you flared up as well when facing her outbursts leading to the break-up, but are you a temperamental person like her too? Did your dates often end up in unhappy fights before the break-up? Suppose you got back together again, do you think you could keep yourself in check this time, and not fight with her when she flares up again?
All in all, it is usually not difficult for ex-lovers to come together again, per se -- all both parties needed to do was to recapture the emotions that brought them together in the first place. BUT the problem lies in answering:
Why they broke up,
Why they should come back together after splitting, and
Why history wouldn't repeat itself and they wouldn't split again.
I may be wrong, but for now I'd say it is finding these three answers that makes the whole process of patching up so difficult. -
Well comumunication plays a big part in the relationship.Sometimes,one word is differenece between make or break.
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seems like she really is just veting her frustrations in you. if you can tolerate that (probably for the rest of your life), then i'd say go ahead man. a girl will display her worst in front of a guy she trusts cos she knows wadever she does, she will not lose him... although i'm not clearly sure it is so in her case... but if it is, the breakup is a glitch. go by your instincts mate...
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Dear Rammstein619,
Before I start, I need to remind you that if you request readers here to have the mindset of 17-year-olds, you'll get replies like 17-year-olds, & Not well thought out answers from people who've experienced more *smiles*
This is going to sound harsh, but think of it as an auntie, erm, sorry, old sister (I still like to think I'm Not THAT old, alas) advising you, & she means well.
Your ex sounds like she has better sense than you, for the 2 reasons stated below:
1. She has her perogatives right. Studies at this age come 1st, No matter what kinda relationships you get into at this age, it's, in most cases, a learning process, & although some last till marriage, Not all do. Putting her studies 1st ensures that she won't disappoint her parents, & upon graduation, there'll be some doors open to her when she's looking for a job as a fresh grad. Pragmatism, in the right circumstances, is beneficial.
2. She knows that No matter how angry you are with someone, swearing at him/her in his/her face is bad etiquette & rude. She sounds refined for someone in her teens. She also knows what kinda repercussions there may be if that someone you're cussing at has the mind of a boor, i.e. you could get in deep shiet, young man.
Granted, she doesn't know how to let you down gently when she wants to break up, but that is understandable, given her age.
Before you want to initiate a patch-up with her, perhaps you should 1st look within yourself, know your faults, & try to correct them before asking for another chance.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by rammstein619:
Before I start , I would like you all to be in the mind of a 17 year old teen who knows nuts about being in a relationship...
It all started when for 2 weeks she did not contact me. Apparently she did not top up her hicard. She did not tell me anything about being "away" for quite sometime. So obviously I was freaking worried. I told myself to calm down which I evantually did for the first week , come the 2nd week of communicardo , paranoia somehow took control of me. I just could not contact her in anyway possible (Her parents would kill me if I called her house). So when I finally managed to contact her through by calling her home and asked her what happened , she said that she was bombarded by school projects and has no time to contact me , let alone even top up her hicard. Then she said she wanna break because she wanted to concentrate on her studies. I was hesitant at first but eventually gave in because I respected her decision....
2 weeks later , I got a sms from her. She asked whether we could talk on the phone and so we did. She started being hostile towards me for whatever reason she had. She's always picking on events which happened to me and make it into a big matter. For example , I hated my ex manager who screwed me upside down for not serving the prawn sauce at a wedding function ( I was working part time banquet at that time). I hated him to the core and as such , I often cursed and sweared at him in front of my friends. Such a matter like this , she would say I don't know how to face challenges and stuff..saying I'm inmature for saying profanities at my ex boss blar blar blar. I mean , it's my own personal problem , it has nothing to do with her. She just wanted to find fault with my own personal problems at that point in time. She also said that [b]SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WOULD NOT ABLE TO CONTACT ME FOR A FEW WEEKS AS SHE HAS LOTS OF PROJECTS TO DO but the thing here is that I swear I don't remember she telling me anything about her not being able to contact me because of her projects. Then she come and say I don't respect her decision concerning her studies because I told her before we were together that studies are important blar blar blar. But she did not tell me anything about she being super busy with her projects so much so that she could not contact me for a few weeks. So how was I suppose to know that she was bombarded by her school projects.
Throughout the entire conversation , she was finding faults with my own personal problems and shouting at me at the same time. I though maybe she freaking stress with her projects that she wants to vent her frustration at me. Now that I don't mind because I found out her true colours and went through some rough times before we ended up together. I did not go looking for another girl just because I found out that she can be hot tempered at times but just decided to love her for what she really is. I mean no one is perfect , everyone has flaws and I accepted her for what she really is. Seriously I don't mind she venting her frustrations on me instead of venting it on someone else which might get into trouble.
The thing here is , 3 months on and she's still the same , well according to her friend.
So is it possible given the necessary circumstances for us to be together again? I'm not asking for us to patch up immediately but rather start off a fresh as friends again before proceeding on to the next level....
I admit some of my acts may seem immature or stupid in a sense but then again , It's a learning process in life..... [/b] -
Why not...? But remember a relationship's a little more of give & take...? And that doesn't mean you giving explicitly (or at least you think that you're doing so...)...Originally posted by rammstein619:So is it possible given the necessary circumstances for us to be together again? I'm not asking for us to patch up immediately but rather start off a fresh as friends again before proceeding on to the next level....
I admit some of my acts may seem immature or stupid in a sense but then again , It's a learning process in life.....
And... Try to think more in her shoes if you really have a chance to patch up with her yeah..?
Control your temper and complaints a little.. I've got a feeling she doesn't like it.... -
Erm, maybe it's a female thing, but I tend to agree with the above. Even b4 I read what FeowFeow wrote, I was thinking: hmm...your gf probably realised that (a) she shd concentrate on her studies first, get her priorities right, and (b) maybe you seem to her as not mature in certain ways, ways which are important to her.Originally posted by FeowFeow:Your ex sounds like she has better sense than you, for the 2 reasons stated below:
1. She has her perogatives right. Studies at this age come 1st, No matter what kinda relationships you get into at this age, it's, in most cases, a learning process, & although some last till marriage, Not all do. Putting her studies 1st ensures that she won't disappoint her parents, & upon graduation, there'll be some doors open to her when she's looking for a job as a fresh grad. Pragmatism, in the right circumstances, is beneficial.
2. She knows that No matter how angry you are with someone, swearing at him/her in his/her face is bad etiquette & rude.
FeowFeow
I think it's not good to call her at this stage when she's stressed from all the projects and stuff, maybe later, when both have time to cool down and think about it. Anyway, 17 is still very young, so I hope you won't be too miserable. Most of us have to go through the learning experience some time. Take care. -
Tuatau -
I can safely say that she never flared up while we were together , maybe because 3 weeks is a very short time. But she did flare up before we got together as well as during the aftermath of the breakup. When she flares up , seriously I don't flare at her back and if that ever happened , It only last for a while. Sadness seems to consume more of me instead of anger. I don't know why but everytime she flares up , I get deeply hurt and stuff like that. I can say that I have a "weak heart". She did mention about breaking up before , which happened about a week before the communicardo period. It was during this period that I suddenly sensed that she was slowly swaying away from me. Then I told her we're not spending enough time together and I make it a rule not to go out with her on weekdays cause she has her school work to worry about. After a while the feeling of wanting to break up faded away from her and she was regretted saying that to me.
Feowfeow -
Don't worry I did not find your reply harsh in anyway. In fact , I was hoping for the replies to be "balanced". As I've said in my last post , I've made some immature acts and I regretted it. I just told her I screwed up at work and chances are I'm gonna get sacked by my manager and true enough it really happen. She somehow saw my ranting on my blog that's why. Yes , I can assure you I don't just go around blaming her for everything , I do look at myself internally sometimes and examine my faults. I made some mistakes and I truely acknowledge them.
It's been 3 months since we last broke up let alone even get to see her. Her birthday is coming , so yeah I'm currently thinking of what to get for her. Get her back as a friend first , no hurries.
Basically the reason why I was attracted to her was because of her simple mindset towards live AT HER AGE. She dresses simply , leads a simple life etc. She does not wear makeup when I'm with her neither does she bring me go shopping with her for clothes. I would call her a plain jane.
In actual fact , I would prefer Plain Janes as compared to Sofisticated Susans. Although shopping for clothes and wearing makeup is nothing wrong but doing it everytime we meet , It can really turn me off. Maybe it's because I believe in natural beauty...lol
I'm not the kinda guy who goes for looks considering the fact she does not have the looks but the heart. To sum it all up , Plain Janes appeal to me which in my personal opinion , it's very hard to find in Singapore nowadays but then again maybe I'm wrong...
For all I know , say 2-3 years down the road , she becomes the direct opposite of a Plain Jane , then I've got nothing to say.....maybe I'll just learn to accept her for what she truely is if the time ever comes.... -
Originally posted by rammstein619:
If you've only been together for three weeks, it is indeed "a very short time". Maybe both of you are not ready for a relationship yet -- relationships involve more than just mutual attraction. Give yourselves more time to cool down and learn more about each other first (this is a good time to catch up on your schoolwork as well). If she really likes you as well, you'd know when she is ready to accept you once more.
I can safely say that she never flared up while we were together , maybe because 3 weeks is a very short time. But she did flare up before we got together as well as during the aftermath of the breakup. When she flares up , seriously I don't flare at her back and if that ever happened , It only last for a while. Sadness seems to consume more of me instead of anger. I don't know why but everytime she flares up , I get deeply hurt and stuff like that. I can say that I have a "weak heart". She did mention about breaking up before , which happened about a week before the communicardo period. It was during this period that I suddenly sensed that she was slowly swaying away from me. Then I told her we're not spending enough time together and I make it a rule not to go out with her on weekdays cause she has her school work to worry about. After a while the feeling of wanting to break up faded away from her and she was regretted saying that to me.
Oh, and one note of caution. If I were you, I'd forget that I consider the girl a "Plain Jane". You may be trying to tell us you are not a shallow person, but most girls don't like (to put it mildly) their boyfriends to think of them as "Plain Jane's". In fact, such and other similar remarks have been known to cause bitter fights and even break-ups.
Bite your tongue whenever you think you're going to make that Freudian slip in front of her. -
Originally posted by Tuatau:If you've only been together for three weeks, it is indeed "a very short time". Maybe both of you are not ready for a relationship yet -- relationships involve more than just mutual attraction. Give yourselves more time to cool down and learn more about each other first (this is a good time to catch up on your schoolwork as well). If she really likes you as well, you'd know when she is ready to accept you once more.
Oh, and one note of caution. If I were you, I'd forget that I consider the girl a "Plain Jane". You may be trying to tell us you are not a shallow person, but most girls don't like (to put it mildly) their boyfriends to think of them as "Plain Jane's". In fact, such and other similar remarks have been known to cause bitter fights and even break-ups.
Bite your tongue whenever you think you're going to make that Freudian slip in front of her. -
No wonder they say love is complicated....
The guy won't know what goes on in a girl's mind while the girl won't know what goes on in a guy's mind...
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Originally posted by rammstein619:
Ho ho, that's supposed to be part of the fun.
The guy won't know what goes on in a girl's mind while the girl won't know what goes on in a guy's mind...
How could you stay attracted to a person who reads you like a children's book and knows your every dirty little secret?
Communication is but a tool, and a tool could be useful in the right hands or destructive in the wrong hands. Learn how to communicate and it could enhance your relationship; neglect it and it could destroy your relationship.
Blame the user, not the tool. -
Rammstein619,
I used to think that way too, until I met HIM. Now, we have fun guessing what's on each other's minds
Of course, sometimes I tease him on purpose, & say that what's on his mind is the intention of flirting with a pretty girl
FeowFeowOriginally posted by rammstein619:No wonder they say love is complicated....
The guy won't know what goes on in a girl's mind while the girl won't know what goes on in a guy's mind... -
I think some of us girls do view proper feminine deportment as important I really don't like swearing, it's horrible. That was the 1st thought that came into my mind when I finished reading his post: Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwww, he SWORE?!
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Wanda:Erm, maybe it's a female thing, but I tend to agree with the above. Even b4 I read what FeowFeow wrote, I was thinking: hmm...your gf probably realised that (a) she shd concentrate on her studies first, get her priorities right, and (b) maybe you seem to her as not mature in certain ways, ways which are important to her.
I think it's not good to call her at this stage when she's stressed from all the projects and stuff, maybe later, when both have time to cool down and think about it. Anyway, 17 is still very young, so I hope you won't be too miserable. Most of us have to go through the learning experience some time. Take care. -
But she also swears in front of me about her problems sometimes when she's really pissed. I don't blame her cause she's only acting on impulse. Same thing goes to me as well , I do it out of impulse sometimes. I don't go usually say profanities except for a few occasions of "shi+" and there.
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this remind mi of a guy i really fell for and we got together and broke off in 3 weeks tym... i like everything about him, except he is extremely rude to all... i am very concern when it comes to courtesy and basic manners...Originally posted by rammstein619:But she also swears in front of me about her problems sometimes when she's really pissed. I don't blame her cause she's only acting on impulse. Same thing goes to me as well , I do it out of impulse sometimes. I don't go usually say profanities except for a few occasions of "shi+" and there.
i was taken back (i'm with him already) when he changed his friendster profile to "why u care" "wtf u bother" "does this bothers u?" in those profiles which asked for ur favourite movies, favourite books, etc.... i mean, if u dun feel like putting anything, at least no need to write all these... it is soooo rude...
many tyms he hung up the phone without saying bye-bye and he kup the phone liao... i havent finished talking loh !! anyway, all these i've told him nicely a million tyms, and he never heed my advice... i tolerated anyway... but what i find it really rude is when he always burp so loudly in public places such as MRT... when we are alone, i always have to remind him to say "excuse mi"... he tek it as a joke... and it makes mi fall out of love with him... thats more than enuf man !! he is just being plain rude and tek it as a joke to laugh it off... ego or what??
he wasnt like this when we are friends for so long... after together, dan u see the true self of that person... too late !!!
thats why i didnt find swearing in public too much to accept... if like ah beng lidat, dan i'm sure no one likes it right? if is in freaking bad temper and a slip outta mouth, can always be forgiven anyway... -
Youth and impulsiveness tend to go hand in hand.
Relationships formed out of impulse and lived according to impulses are also often ended out of impulse. -
I suppose when you're really angry, you can't help it.
Honestly, there's a time & place for everything. I'm Not such a prude to the point where everything is crass or rude. But swearing AT somebody seems to be too impulsive & irrational an action. Just because you're pissed off doesn't mean you have the right to do that, i.e. Confucious say, "People Not born here for you to anyhow scold"
There's a difference between a playful F*** You from guy to guy when they're ribbing each other, but scolding & insulting someone, I think, is abit too much.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by rammstein619:But she also swears in front of me about her problems sometimes when she's really pissed. I don't blame her cause she's only acting on impulse. Same thing goes to me as well , I do it out of impulse sometimes. I don't go usually say profanities except for a few occasions of "shi+" and there. -
Anyways it happened a long time ago. I'm not really bothered about him anymore.
My manager screamed and shouted at me , made me do the dirty work usually done by the cleaners , treats you like you don't exist after that , cuts 2 hours of your pay ( I usually work for 5 hours) and then decides to sack you. How would you feel? Surely I feel really degraded and that's not all , it was his mistake to assign me to another table in the middle of a function since I was still a very inexperienced staff. I used to work as part time banquet by the way....
Okay I shall not rant further but I want you people to have a brief outline of my situation last time...