In need of advice.....heeeeeeelp!!
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even before any one of us contributes anything to your thread, you seem to have a clear idea of what you wish for.
many a time, we will regret for not having enough determination only after grave damage is being done.
i like how ShrodingersCat put it. being a mother, you should be old and mature enough to make your decisions and see to it.
the way i see it, the variety of solution to your problem is pretty limited.
so dont wait for advices which are easier to carry out, 'cause i doubt there is any. -
Originally posted by www:
thx anyway....close topic now
even before any one of us contributes anything to your thread, you seem to have a clear idea of what you wish for.
many a time, we will regret for not having enough determination [b]only after grave damage is being done.
i like how ShrodingersCat put it. being a mother, you should be old and mature enough to make your decisions and see to it.
the way i see it, the variety of solution to your problem is pretty limited.
so dont wait for advices which are easier to carry out, 'cause i doubt there is any.[/b]
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Dear Ashtina,
Perhaps you're concerned that your liking for this S guy is wrong? I'll just highlight a few matters. Please note that I'm NOT trying to judge you, just asking you to consider the following:
1. Your husband started to flirt around when you got pregnant, then started to physically abuse you.
Be honest with yourself. Had you already developed feelings for S before the abuse started? Could it be that your husband sensed you liked S, & hence, started to flirt outta spite & started to hit you (which I don't condone)? Have you spoken to him about how upset his flirting has upset you, & his physical abuse? Have you asked him to go for marriage counselling with you?
2. You TRIED to get a divorce. What stopped you from going through with the divorce? This is Not just about you, it's about your baby as well. If you love your baby, would you want your child growing up seeing his/her father abuse his/her mother? Would you want to inflict this kinda emotional & mental torture on your baby & have him/her grow up messed up inside? Do you want your child to grow up thinking that flirting around after marriage is ok? He/she may think, "Since Daddy did it, & Mummy didn't do anything, then it must be acceptable". Do you want your child to grow up like this?
3. S & You. Before you get involved with him, you should resolve this marriage mess of yours 1st. Don't worsen the situation by getting involved with S now. Your baby should be your 1st priority. Time will tell whether or Not S is willing to accept your baby & bring it up like his own. You're vulnerable now from the emotional & physical abuse your husband has given you, & sometimes, you can mistake the need for comfort, for love. Get yourself & your baby to safety by getting the divorce matter settled, THEN observe whether or Not S & you have a future together.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by ashtina82:Hi to all,
Here goes my luv story...
I've knwn S for almost 3 yrs now....hw do i get to knw him?hmm....he accidentally msg d wrong person...he wanted to msg sum1 else but keyed in d wrong no....so frm der on we bcame frens.I was attached with my bf nw husband at dat time.....n we were havin probs.So basically he knws all d sHiT my hubby does....i didn't have any feelings for him at dat time bt he does.
After a few mths,i told him i was gettin married.He told me to tink carefully...am i makin d rite decision...i told him yes & he respected me.After i got married,i thought life wld b happier....probs started since i got pregnant.My hubby started to flirt ard...he dun care much for me n my baby.
Things got worse n worser....he started to abuse me.Den 1 day,i wanted to call up my old fren...i accidentally called him.We started to chat...catch up wit d old times & i started to confide to him once again.As time goes by,we started to 'go out'.....he told me he luvs me rite frm d start.Been waitin for me for almost 3 yrs....anyway,as time goes by,my feelings started to grow for him.
He did say he wants to marry me....dat is if he has d chance....
Bt i knw it's impossible....coz i'm still married...n my hubby wun let me go....
I even tried to file for a divorce..not bcoz of S...but bcoz i can't always live in constant fear...nt knwin when he's gonna hit me next....
Bt he juz wun let me go........so does S...he wun let me go too....nt ever again...
Even my parents wun let me divorce.....
I'm at lost...totally lost....i luv my baby.....n i luv S too....
Wat shld i do........ -
[quote]Originally posted by FeowFeow:
[b]Dear Ashtina,
Perhaps you're concerned that your liking for this S guy is wrong? I'll just highlight a few matters. Please note that I'm NOT trying to judge you, just asking you to consider the following:
1. Your husband started to flirt around when you got pregnant, then started to physically abuse you. Be honest with yourself. Had you already developed feelings for S before the abuse started? Could it be that your husband sensed you liked S, & hence, started to flirt outta spite & started to hit you (which I don't condone)? Have you spoken to him about how upset his flirting has upset you, & his physical abuse? Have you asked him to go for marriage counselling with you?
2. You TRIED to get a divorce. What stopped you from going through with the divorce? This is Not just about you, it's about your baby as well. If you love your baby, would you want your child growing up seeing his/her father abuse his/her mother? Would you want to inflict this kinda emotional & mental torture on your baby & have him/her grow up messed up inside? Do you want your child to grow up thinking that flirting around after marriage is ok? He/she may think, "Since Daddy did it, & Mummy didn't do anything, then it must be acceptable". Do you want your child to grow up like this?
3. S & You. Before you get involved with him, you should resolve this marriage mess of yours 1st. Don't worsen the situation by getting involved with S now. Your baby should be your 1st priority. Time will tell whether or Not S is willing to accept your baby & bring it up like his own. You're vulnerable now from the emotional & physical abuse your husband has given you, & sometimes, you can mistake the need for comfort, for love. Get yourself & your baby to safety by getting the divorce matter settled, THEN observe whether or Not S & you have a future together. he started to flirt wit me since i gt pregnant...& at dat time me n S lost contact wit each other....so he doesn't knw anythin...i bored him a child n he flirt ard...u knw hw disappointed am i....i've nvr done anythin bad bhind his back.... already told him hw i feel....no response already suggested to go marriage counsellin...he doesn't want everytime,i wanna get a divorce..my mum wld stop me..n he dun want it too....all makin empty promises...n me BEIN STUPID to give in.. dats y i'm here...i'm lost.....i luv my kid..bt at d same time,i dun want her to grow up in a broken family....
if she ever did,will she understand..........kids nowadays...hard to say -
Ashtina,
I'll be very honest with you. Right now, there's only 1 burning question in my mind: If you love your child as much as you claim you do, why are you Not fighting harder for a divorce?
How much will your mum suffer if you divorce? Maybe loss of face.
How much will your child suffer if you don't divorce? You'll probably affect the rest of her life.
Is your child your 1st priority?
Or you?
Sorry if I offend you, but I believe you do know very well your duty as a mother. Your daughter is just a baby & hence defenceless. You, as a mother, should do what you can to protect her.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by ashtina82:[quote]Originally posted by FeowFeow:
[b]Dear Ashtina,
Perhaps you're concerned that your liking for this S guy is wrong? I'll just highlight a few matters. Please note that I'm NOT trying to judge you, just asking you to consider the following:
1. Your husband started to flirt around when you got pregnant, then started to physically abuse you. Be honest with yourself. Had you already developed feelings for S before the abuse started? Could it be that your husband sensed you liked S, & hence, started to flirt outta spite & started to hit you (which I don't condone)? Have you spoken to him about how upset his flirting has upset you, & his physical abuse? Have you asked him to go for marriage counselling with you?
2. You TRIED to get a divorce. What stopped you from going through with the divorce? This is Not just about you, it's about your baby as well. If you love your baby, would you want your child growing up seeing his/her father abuse his/her mother? Would you want to inflict this kinda emotional & mental torture on your baby & have him/her grow up messed up inside? Do you want your child to grow up thinking that flirting around after marriage is ok? He/she may think, "Since Daddy did it, & Mummy didn't do anything, then it must be acceptable". Do you want your child to grow up like this?
3. S & You. Before you get involved with him, you should resolve this marriage mess of yours 1st. Don't worsen the situation by getting involved with S now. Your baby should be your 1st priority. Time will tell whether or Not S is willing to accept your baby & bring it up like his own. You're vulnerable now from the emotional & physical abuse your husband has given you, & sometimes, you can mistake the need for comfort, for love. Get yourself & your baby to safety by getting the divorce matter settled, THEN observe whether or Not S & you have a future together. he started to flirt wit me since i gt pregnant...& at dat time me n S lost contact wit each other....so he doesn't knw anythin...i bored him a child n he flirt ard...u knw hw disappointed am i....i've nvr done anythin bad bhind his back.... already told him hw i feel....no response already suggested to go marriage counsellin...he doesn't want everytime,i wanna get a divorce..my mum wld stop me..n he dun want it too....all makin empty promises...n me BEIN STUPID to give in.. dats y i'm here...i'm lost.....i luv my kid..bt at d same time,i dun want her to grow up in a broken family....
if she ever did,will she understand..........kids nowadays...hard to say -
deep inside me....i juz hope dat he'll change......Originally posted by FeowFeow:Ashtina,
I'll be very honest with you. Right now, there's only 1 burning question in my mind: If you love your child as much as you claim you do, why are you Not fighting harder for a divorce?
How much will your mum suffer if you divorce? Maybe loss of face.
How much will your child suffer if you don't divorce? You'll probably affect the rest of her life.
Is your child your 1st priority?
Or you?
Sorry if I offend you, but I believe you do know very well your duty as a mother. Your daughter is just a baby & hence defenceless. You, as a mother, should do what you can to protect her.
FeowFeow
i dun wanna broken marriage myself.........nt every woman wants it... -
My guess was right regarding your priorities. Thus, I know I'm unable to help someone who only wants to whinge.
Good luck, Ashtina.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by ashtina82:deep inside me....i juz hope dat he'll change......
i dun wanna broken marriage myself.........nt every woman wants it... -
"he started to flirt wit me since i gt pregnant"
flirt got many levels.
Did he sleep with other woman?
Or what did he do to make you think he is a flirt.
Just trying to help in terms of whether you actually have a strong case for divorce or not. -
sure.. u can be lost.. we all get lost sometimes.Originally posted by ashtina82:i juz needed advice.....i'm at lost....
but giving up is another thing altogether. please don't. -
ahhh... here we go.Originally posted by ashtina82:deep inside me....i juz hope dat he'll change......
i dun wanna broken marriage myself.........nt every woman wants it...
there is a psychology study why "nan ren bu huai nu ren bu ai" and that line is the main culprit.
i can't remember wat that article said, but i do remember it's this desire to change the man, or wait for him to change.
even if GOD himself told them he won't change, they will still hope.
don't get urself disillusioned.... i mean sure, it's not totally impossible for him to change. but u have no strength to wait, nor do u have strength to move on, then how? -
Don't let mistakes happen again.
Get mad, get angry, and do something about it. Being lazy and inert will change nothing.Originally posted by ashtina82:dats d prob....we dun plan to get married in d 1st place...
it's all our parent's decision....n we kinda like go wit d flow......
didn't tink much abt it.......
yah.....my mistake..... -
Originally posted by www:
Yup... NICE...
even before any one of us contributes anything to your thread, you seem to have a clear idea of what you wish for.
many a time, we will regret for not having enough determination [b]only after grave damage is being done.
i like how ShrodingersCat put it. being a mother, you should be old and mature enough to make your decisions and see to it.
the way i see it, the variety of solution to your problem is pretty limited.
so dont wait for advices which are easier to carry out, 'cause i doubt there is any.[/b] -
Such an abusive person cannot be a good father.
U live for yourself. Leave him for the sake of urself and ur child.
Ur parents know that he abused u or not?
Perhaps u can make a police report and then file for divorce?
I believe u will find a way out.
Be firm in ur decision.
All the best.
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Marriage... Love... Society...Originally posted by ashtina82:Hi to all,
Here goes my luv story...
I've knwn S for almost 3 yrs now....hw do i get to knw him?hmm....he accidentally msg d wrong person...he wanted to msg sum1 else but keyed in d wrong no....so frm der on we bcame frens.I was attached with my bf nw husband at dat time.....n we were havin probs.So basically he knws all d sHiT my hubby does....i didn't have any feelings for him at dat time bt he does.
After a few mths,i told him i was gettin married.He told me to tink carefully...am i makin d rite decision...i told him yes & he respected me.After i got married,i thought life wld b happier....probs started since i got pregnant.My hubby started to flirt ard...he dun care much for me n my baby.
Things got worse n worser....he started to abuse me.Den 1 day,i wanted to call up my old fren...i accidentally called him.We started to chat...catch up wit d old times & i started to confide to him once again.As time goes by,we started to 'go out'.....he told me he luvs me rite frm d start.Been waitin for me for almost 3 yrs....anyway,as time goes by,my feelings started to grow for him.
He did say he wants to marry me....dat is if he has d chance....
Bt i knw it's impossible....coz i'm still married...n my hubby wun let me go....
I even tried to file for a divorce..not bcoz of S...but bcoz i can't always live in constant fear...nt knwin when he's gonna hit me next....
Bt he juz wun let me go........so does S...he wun let me go too....nt ever again...
Even my parents wun let me divorce.....
I'm at lost...totally lost....i luv my baby.....n i luv S too....
Wat shld i do........ Do you notice how messy your situations have turn out to be? It didn't born this way - you made enough foolish choices to transform it that way.
Here's a huge thingy for your consideration: Do you think your liking for S is 'Love'?
You mentioned there wasn't any mote of feelings three years back; it was ONLY after you went through your wrecked marriage, had him to be there for you, with him declaring his actual feelings - before you grew to like him.
Don't you see this MORE like a passing-by 'rescue boat', instead of 'Love'? Especially your marriage began to get abusive?
How do you think it will be different if he never reveal his feelings to you? Or if there was never such a thing?
IMHO, this is an important variable.
*** I hope you do see yourself going through a series of crisis because, you ALLOWED circumstances to drive your options and churn out a load of chaos as a result. Being passive serve much reason for your plight as well; other forumites calls it the lack of courage, but I reckon it to be passiveness. Lack of courage means you DESIRE to do something strongly, but LACK the strength to implement (E.g. chasing a girl). Passiveness refers to the non-chalent, easier-on-emotions-route to undertake, which ultimately goes nowhere and probably end up in Limbo. You may even have opportunity placed right in front of you to leave, but opportunity is still often left untouched, while a lack of courage with correct opportunity would be grasp immediately. It is easier route because it buys you some time and wouldn't create much changes to your exisiting situations (People often resist changes and if you want to implement something, big changes are bound to happen). It is so much easier, say, if you were to remain in your marriage (appease your parents), suck all your dis-satisfaction into your mind (appease husband, fear of psychological affecting child-upbringing), etc.
You may not realise, you may have subconsciously chose to maintain in the relationship, despite finding no Love in it... just for the sake of it - whatever it means to you. To some, it could be the length of time together... your baby... society's bondage... parental influence... and all other external factors.
There are many people out there remaining in unfulfilling relationship for reasons other than Love. They often lament about how CMI their relationship is, but you still see them clinging onto their relationship, which makes many wonder why.
No... the fact is that it is they who chose to retain their relationship. Nobody else did... nobody else HAD the power, regardless of how you thought others might have the power to do so (This is the Second Law of Love).
*** I believe you have already decide what you want to do and I am not doing to change what you had already plan for yourself. I just want to offer my thesis to complement your self-reflection.
Actual Love or not... you decide. Once bitten twice shy? Will you exercise more wisdom in your decision? Or would your continue your foolishness even further? Marriage is never a game nor gamble - it is the fruit of a fulfilling relationship, awaiting to blossom beyond its boundary and reach for the sky.
Cheers -
Thx all for d comments,views etc...
Will knw wat to do nw... -
If you cant be honest with your partner, who can you be honest with? Love is also about honesty, and a relationship or especially a marriage where no honesty exsits probably isn't worth it.