confused
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hi all.. been spectating here for awhile and seen that some people give really good advice, so i'm trying my luck here.
been really frustrated these days, actually months.. but i don't show it. deep down inside i feel like talking to someone, but i have no one that trustworthy to turn to.
here goes:
we have been going out together for about 8 months already, and she was my first although i've known about her ex since we got together. At first, I couldn't accept it, as he was so much older than she or i was.. and I can't help getting the feeling that he got into it just to use her for it. She claimed that they went out for almost 3 years. Are all men like that? 10 years difference to me is alot, probably because of my conservative up-bringing.. but this kinda stuff really sickens me.. no offence but it seems that way to me..
I thought that i would get through it and accept it. I know, as what most of you would say: If you love her, then you would accept her for who she is. I've tried to, but sometimes it comes back to irk and bother me. so much so, that I know that I'm starting to drift away from her. I really do love her, and i want to feel the same way as before when we first went out.
Problem is, recently he contacted her. I had this burning urge to @%#$ him, but she said just leave him alone. Actually, since the day she mentioned about him, I had wanted to get him, to seek 'revenge' for hurting her so badly.. and coming in-between our relationship. Although I do not know him at all, and he is much older than I am.
Why i say he is coming in between us, is that sometimes.. some actions that i do 'remind her of him', and that gets her all depressed and sensitive.
At first it was worse, she didn't dare to trust me. She was afraid that i'd do the same to her. Sometimes when we get intimate, i can sense that she is still affected and hurt by him... and she does not give her all
i really don't know much about her past, as i do not dare question far for i fear of hurting her again. I know that she regrets it badly. She said that she made that choice, and that now she's paying for it. It pains me to see her in such misery.. I wished i could do something... something for the both of us. I really want to go furthur with her.
I know that it's alittle messy.. that's the state of my mind, but i hope you get the picture. so my question is: How do i get over this? I feel that the only way is to confront him and give him a piece of my mind, but i know that's almost impossible. I want him out of the picture forever. I wish that memories can be erased, the past can be forgotten.
thanks for reading. -
how do u know her in the first place?
Why did she accept you as her bf?
If you know she had such a trouble past then why do u want her to be your gf ?
you say u accept her but your actions seems otherwise,
Ask yourself why do u love her?
Name me your reasons for loving her. -
C'mon trust the relationship,with time it will get much better provided the both of you don't quarrel too much and end up breaking up..Seriously let the relationshipp blossom further and when she feels she can totally love you with all her heart,things will get better.
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Knew her from a common cca, and started out as friends.Originally posted by drx:how do u know her in the first place?
Why did she accept you as her bf?
If you know she had such a trouble past then why do u want her to be your gf ?
you say u accept her but your actions seems otherwise,
Ask yourself why do u love her?
Name me your reasons for loving her.
I don't really know, there's a strange attraction to her. i have considered before if it would work out, and decided to try. Maybe it's because our friendship period worked out well, and we liked each other's characters i guess. But i admit that i have changed alittle since then, and she has too.. part of adapting to each other as we know the person more?
Why? She gives me the sense of belonging and being loved. I don't really know the reason why i love her, but it's just that feeling of wanting to protect, and the desire to do anything for her. My heart accepts her, but my head sometimes sends conflicting messages to it. -
yes she had some bad times with the guy, so wat u should do is to concentrate on giving her happy days everyday n not tink abt anything of the past... as for her ex, confrontation may not be the answer... tell her that u care alot for her and ask her to forget abt the guy n dun contact or respond to him....
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It seemed to me that you're fighting not for her. You're fighting for yourself, it could be ego, or pride, or a certain traditional value which you hold.Originally posted by pleaz:hi all.. been spectating here for awhile and seen that some people give really good advice, so i'm trying my luck here.
been really frustrated these days, actually months.. but i don't show it. deep down inside i feel like talking to someone, but i have no one that trustworthy to turn to.
here goes:
we have been going out together for about 8 months already, and she was my first although i've known about her ex since we got together. At first, I couldn't accept it, as he was so much older than she or i was.. and I can't help getting the feeling that he got into it just to use her for it. She claimed that they went out for almost 3 years. Are all men like that? 10 years difference to me is alot, probably because of my conservative up-bringing.. but this kinda stuff really sickens me.. no offence but it seems that way to me..
I thought that i would get through it and accept it. I know, as what most of you would say: If you love her, then you would accept her for who she is. I've tried to, but sometimes it comes back to irk and bother me. so much so, that I know that I'm starting to drift away from her. I really do love her, and i want to feel the same way as before when we first went out.
Problem is, recently he contacted her. I had this burning urge to @%#$ him, but she said just leave him alone. Actually, since the day she mentioned about him, I had wanted to get him, to seek 'revenge' for hurting her so badly.. and coming in-between our relationship. Although I do not know him at all, and he is much older than I am.
Why i say he is coming in between us, is that sometimes.. some actions that i do 'remind her of him', and that gets her all depressed and sensitive.
At first it was worse, she didn't dare to trust me. She was afraid that i'd do the same to her. Sometimes when we get intimate, i can sense that she is still affected and hurt by him... and she does not give her all
i really don't know much about her past, as i do not dare question far for i fear of hurting her again. I know that she regrets it badly. She said that she made that choice, and that now she's paying for it. It pains me to see her in such misery.. I wished i could do something... something for the both of us. I really want to go furthur with her.
I know that it's alittle messy.. that's the state of my mind, but i hope you get the picture. so my question is: How do i get over this? I feel that the only way is to confront him and give him a piece of my mind, but i know that's almost impossible. I want him out of the picture forever. I wish that memories can be erased, the past can be forgotten.
thanks for reading.
The 'Revenge' is a opportunity to finally put him down and assume your power/position above him. Because these times, you've been bothered by the fact that this 'ex' weighs more in your gf's impression than you do.
You feel like his shadow, you cannot seem to become yourself when facing her.
You are more eager to get him out of the situation than your gf does.
Thinking that if he disappears, you and your relationship will be saved.
Your focus in this relationship is wrong or maybe i should say is distorted.
Insecurity? or Impatience Caused it?
You're fighting for the wrong cause.
Love looks upon positive aspects of situation and desires to work onto goodness and completion.
Your situation is your gf's mindset and her will. Not her 'ex'
Do you think she will recover even though he disappears? Maybe at a faster pace.
If i'm not wrong. Her reason for not overcoming this issue could be your reaction and response to her attitude towards this relationship.
:: You should learn to forgive. And teach her to forgive.
This may seem insignificant to you. You may get to see more if you do it.
There are several questions:
Care to share how she broke up wih that ex?
Was there any abuse?
When did you get together, how long the window period of her break up?
Is she having good sleep these nights?
How often do you and her meet? -
On the context of 'respecting her privacy & past', u have done harm to yourself. You feared the unknown, hence the anger & the drastic measure to bump him off.
Go have a heart to heart talk with her about her past, even though it may cause her pain (& maybe to you too).
The aim is not to seek a resolution but an understanding.
Maybe from it, comes forgiveness - for you, herself & even that %^&$# ex. -
double post
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dude, the gal is hurt bad, and sometimes, girls tend to "see" things in the current guy that reminds her of the ex. it is only natural. and it is natural to feel afraid of you due to this. once bitten twice shy. i am most guilty of this. but it is precisely your gal is going through emotional turmoil whenever you reminds her of her past hurt that you should be more understanding. hold back on the more intimate stuff. i know you really want to go further, but it will not help if you just keep pushing. you got to go slow, mate. give her time to see that you are differenmt from her ex, that you will not hurt her like her ex... you got to let her gain that sense of security. only then will she let down her defences. good luck.
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i agree with mc sqaure. and i cant see why u are confused. probably u are overly obessive with her. there is nothing wrong with an ex getting in contact back with his former gf.
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Originally posted by pleaz:hi all.. been spectating here for awhile and seen that some people give really good advice, so i'm trying my luck here.
been really frustrated these days, actually months.. but i don't show it. deep down inside i feel like talking to someone, but i have no one that trustworthy to turn to.
here goes:
we have been going out together for about 8 months already, and she was my first although i've known about her ex since we got together. At first, I couldn't accept it, as he was so much older than she or i was.. and I can't help getting the feeling that he got into it just to use her for it. She claimed that they went out for almost 3 years. Are all men like that? 10 years difference to me is alot, probably because of my conservative up-bringing.. but this kinda stuff really sickens me.. no offence but it seems that way to me..
I thought that i would get through it and accept it. I know, as what most of you would say: If you love her, then you would accept her for who she is. I've tried to, but sometimes it comes back to irk and bother me. so much so, that I know that I'm starting to drift away from her. I really do love her, and i want to feel the same way as before when we first went out.
Problem is, recently he contacted her. I had this burning urge to @%#$ him, but she said just leave him alone. Actually, since the day she mentioned about him, I had wanted to get him, to seek 'revenge' for hurting her so badly.. and coming in-between our relationship. Although I do not know him at all, and he is much older than I am.
Why i say he is coming in between us, is that sometimes.. some actions that i do 'remind her of him', and that gets her all depressed and sensitive.
At first it was worse, she didn't dare to trust me. She was afraid that i'd do the same to her. Sometimes when we get intimate, i can sense that she is still affected and hurt by him... and she does not give her all
i really don't know much about her past, as i do not dare question far for i fear of hurting her again. I know that she regrets it badly. She said that she made that choice, and that now she's paying for it. It pains me to see her in such misery.. I wished i could do something... something for the both of us. I really want to go furthur with her.
I know that it's alittle messy.. that's the state of my mind, but i hope you get the picture. so my question is: How do i get over this? I feel that the only way is to confront him and give him a piece of my mind, but i know that's almost impossible. I want him out of the picture forever. I wish that memories can be erased, the past can be forgotten.
thanks for reading. You are so hasty... in trying to get her to move on. As a result, you are getting hurt along the way; she is already hurt. She is trying customise to her new circumstance, trying to leave her shadow and walk where the light leads her, while you, being overly affected by her past, subconsciously draw her back because you focus too much onto looking what's behind the relationship and not demonstrate all the goodness that lies in front of your potential love.
Your anger is probably due to lack of exposure in the vast nature of Love relationship. Conversative... or green and unexposed? Afterall, she is your first relationship - alot of emotional message are coming in everyday akin to the junk mail we get. You are beginning to explore, in deeper meaning, the essence of what love brings. You realise that in Love, that are alot of things we can't just do that logical way we would like things to be. (When we are hungry... we eat... when we are tired... we sleep).
Tell me how is that going to change for the better when you confront the man and probably give him a good trashing?
Anger is a retaliation from the injustice felt by you - not exactly something about her and actually, you don't understand her position very well. She WANTS to get on with life, achieve happiness from her new relationship and not over her mundane past. She needs alot of time to nurse her wounds - this is no doubt. Every wound needs a healing phrase; she is of no exception.
Give her all the time in the world to recover emotionally - what you ought to do is to show that she made a correct decision in being with you and your behaviour must work to accelerate her healing. All the little mistrust, lack of affection is NORMAL - don't see it as a sign of unloving. Where are the essential sincerity and respect we always talk about?
Concentrate on trying to build a relationship, not trying to problem solve something that is ALREADY over. You are not experiencing a problem - in fact, it is the beginning of trying to assist your crippled mate forward... and not trying to going back home to fetch a crutch and walk again. Think about distance back and forward - isn't it much tedious to do things that way?
P.S: Love takes time to develop. Whatever you are doing, sometimes reminds her of him; don't get this to heart... it will take some effort and time for her to discover that the real pleaz.
Cheers -
just screw her only lah...then if she wants to go back to him at least you would have tasted her cheebye...
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your gf has lots of issues that she cannot seem to let go.
the best thing now is to give her some time and space to sort out her unhappiness from the past.
she isnt ready for a relationship.
you should not get involved withe the old relationship, focus on your relationship now with her -
Thanks all for your replies... esp mc+square and yunhaier..Originally posted by M©+square: There are several questions:
Care to share how she broke up wih that ex?
Was there any abuse?
When did you get together, how long the window period of her break up?
Is she having good sleep these nights?
How often do you and her meet?
I'm glad i wrote in here
- that I'm not too sure, it seems he was demanding to sleep with her more often, and when she didn't want to, he'd get moody and unhappy.
- don't know if it is considered abuse. emotional wise, i think he was in just for her body. physical wise, i'm sure there was none.
- more than 6 months i think. She herself didn't want to remember, and gave a figure 'around' there. I didn't dare ask furthur.
- yes she is. This 'problem' is mainly on my part, my deep inner feelings which she is not aware of yet. She's contented with me.
- We meet almost everyday.
sorry if i seem not to know much about her past. it's hard to ask, and sometimes she gets sensitive. in the end, it hurts both of us.
She did try to break up about a month into the relationship because she felt that it wasn't fair to me... i assured her that the past was over and it wasn't her fault then. I saw something more in her then, and there was also this 'strange attraction' to her. -
The answer is simple just go slow with her give her time to accept you, sex is out of the question for now.
She needs tender loving care, just bring her for walks, go see show, go for a swim, make some flowers for her. Show that you really care for her not for her body only. -
You should be generally on the right track... Try to review the forumites' replies for you, especially of Yun's and MC's...Originally posted by pleaz:sorry if i seem not to know much about her past. it's hard to ask, and sometimes she gets sensitive. in the end, it hurts both of us.
She did try to break up about a month into the relationship because she felt that it wasn't fair to me... i assured her that the past was over and it wasn't her fault then. I saw something more in her then, and there was also this 'strange attraction' to her.
Understand that if you can't let him go, it would be difficult for her to do so too... Teach her ways to avoid him... Console her...
If he pushes too far, do what's necessary and deem fit.... -
from 1] - 3] it tells me that it's not easy to find the root of it(problem)Originally posted by pleaz:Thanks all for your replies... esp mc+square and yunhaier..
I'm glad i wrote in here
1] that I'm not too sure, it seems he was demanding to sleep with her more often, and when she didn't want to, he'd get moody and unhappy.
2] don't know if it is considered abuse. emotional wise, i think he was in just for her body. physical wise, i'm sure there was none.
3] more than 6 months i think. She herself didn't want to remember, and gave a figure 'around' there. I didn't dare ask furthur.
4] yes she is. This 'problem' is mainly on my part, my deep inner feelings which she is not aware of yet. She's contented with me.
5] We meet almost everyday.
6]sorry if i seem not to know much about her past. it's hard to ask, and sometimes she gets sensitive. in the end, it hurts both of us.
She did try to break up about a month into the relationship because she felt that it wasn't fair to me... i assured her that the past was over and it wasn't her fault then. I saw something more in her then, and there was also this 'strange attraction' to her.
Little info, many variables.
4] - 6] Your duty as a boyfriend is to protect her and try in everyways to make things right.
Her personal space is important, take note of that.
And i hope you will take a self-check to sift out negetive emotions towards the relationship or people around. I have to tell you this just in case.
Even if this relationship doesn't end like you wished.
Wish her well anyway.
All the best.
Cheers