Break or not to break
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Got a case I wish to share with you people.
Background data:
Guy A = 24
Girl B = 24
both working class
Relationship : 3 years
Friends :1 years
Problem:
Been friends with both of them for 5 years. Quarrel and break, quarrel and break till the cows come home. Quite sianz of the cycle till one day, they decided to ROM. pengz I thought finally it will end. Girl B come crying to me saying that guy A bullying her again and is 1 week before her ROM.
So should I:
1) tell her nicely that everything is fine
2) shout at her to stop her childish act and get ready to be someones wife,
3) tell guy A to come and settle things with her.
4) let her cry it out loud and say is just your stress and sent her home.
5) Ask her to go out to enjoy herself cos she looks to stress -
bully? how? abuse her? scold her badly? if she cant take these things better dun carry on...
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It better to ask the 2 of them to settle all the issues before ROM. Look into the root cause is easier to solve this problem
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guess u shld let them solve their problems between themselves...if they can't how are gona face solve any when they live together..
with the state they are in now, rom seems to be a hasty decision. -
never beat her lar,
same lor quarrel again lor haiz
Girl B complain and complain say want to break.
Managed to calm her down and brought her home. -
Originally posted by drx:Got a case I wish to share with you people.
Background data:
Guy A = 24
Girl B = 24
both working class
Relationship : 3 years
Friends :1 years
Problem:
Been friends with both of them for 5 years. Quarrel and break, quarrel and break till the cows come home. Quite sianz of the cycle till one day, they decided to ROM. pengz I thought finally it will end. Girl B come crying to me saying that guy A bullying her again and is 1 week before her ROM.
So should I:
1) tell her nicely that everything is fine
2) shout at her to stop her childish act and get ready to be someones wife,
3) tell guy A to come and settle things with her.
4) let her cry it out loud and say is just your stress and sent her home.
5) Ask her to go out to enjoy herself cos she looks to stress
That is NEVER a good ground for marriage. If this happens to any known good friends, I will definitely object the marriage. Can't even handle BGR, with certain degree of maturity, and wanna move onto marriage?
BGR is lacking so much elements to maintain harmony, lets not pretend that a marriage could change everything - in fact, it doesn't and worst, it implicate more tension within. There are many levels in couple's argument, but a constant break-patch style of communication NEVER promote marriage harmony. Very difficult ground to steer and maneuver... Uranus too strong.
Cheers -
If both party can just simply give up on the r/s, I would suggest a cooling period and ask both of them to think hard before commit any further. What if after ROM, either 1 just say divorce when involve in a quarrel.Originally posted by drx:never beat her lar,
same lor quarrel again lor haiz
Girl B complain and complain say want to break.
Managed to calm her down and brought her home. -
Who ever listern to good advise nowdays?
haiz try and try to advise them but they still go ahead.
Now just wait and see lor.
What to do.. people always want to learn the hard way. -
Originally posted by drx:
That pretty much sums up the story of this forum, too.
Who ever listern to good advise nowdays?
haiz try and try to advise them but they still go ahead.
Now just wait and see lor.
What to do.. people always want to learn the hard way. -
I guess it is not a good foundation for a marriage if they continue to quarrel like that ... I have a few frens who are like that ... and eventually got married... however eventually file for divorce.Originally posted by drx:Who ever listern to good advise nowdays?
haiz try and try to advise them but they still go ahead.
Now just wait and see lor.
What to do.. people always want to learn the hard way. -
obviously she is not matured enough to get married.
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Originally posted by drx:Who ever listern to good advise nowdays?
haiz try and try to advise them but they still go ahead.
Now just wait and see lor.
What to do.. people always want to learn the hard way. People are blind when in love. -
I don't understand the marriage part.Originally posted by drx:Who ever listern to good advise nowdays?
haiz try and try to advise them but they still go ahead.
Now just wait and see lor.
What to do.. people always want to learn the hard way.
x 2 on the blue part though? -
If you are not Guy A, you should not get yourself involved in other people's relationship.
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This particular sentence caught my eye.Originally posted by drx:..Girl B come crying to me saying that guy A bullying her again ..
What's the things they normally quarrel about?
Does it indirectly involves u? -
i agree with Yun jie.. break-patch r/s are the most painful form there is... i've sort of went through somethng like this and i can tell you, marriage isn't going to work out for this couple. they should thrash things out once and for all. and you, as a thrid party, should never be involved in this. you might make things more complicated, in ways you can never imagine...
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er i think let them settle their things themselves lar
as for u the thing that u can do is confort her -
I also do not wish to be in the case but both side always come to me for advice.
No need to worry I am not involved with any one of them just like a friend to both of them.
I am something like a middleman.
They quarrel almost on everything.
!) which pet to keep
2) why she know more guy friends.
3) why he always go out with girls.
4) why she cannot wear this dress.
5) why he always late.
The worst part my hp kena bomb by both side.
Faints -
tell both party very firmly to work the issue out themselves
And turn off your HP/Del all nonsense message from them
Remember you are not their "support", counsellor, social worker, mediator or message passer
If they do not see you as a person outside of the relationship and see you more as a friend ... then there is really no point to get your life all messed up over other people's problems when you have enough of your own. -
like i've said? know yr limits?Originally posted by drx:I also do not wish to be in the case but both side always come to me for advice.
No need to worry I am not involved with any one of them just like a friend to both of them.
I am something like a middleman.
They quarrel almost on everything.
!) which pet to keep
2) why she know more guy friends.
3) why he always go out with girls.
4) why she cannot wear this dress.
5) why he always late.
The worst part my hp kena bomb by both side.
Faints -
Yeah i know my limits
I told them firmly to settle themselves and stop coming to me for any quarrel at all.
They stop after one of 2 days then the whole cycle again.
So is my fault that they keep coming back to me? -
Your fault? Honest opinion?Originally posted by drx:Yeah i know my limits
I told them firmly to settle themselves and stop coming to me for any quarrel at all.
They stop after one of 2 days then the whole cycle again.
So is my fault that they keep coming back to me?
No and Yes.
You've clearly stated that they should settle the matter themselves and should not get you involved.
It's not your fault.
You've also created this impression of a - relationship solution agent/counsellor.
Which is why it is natural for them to come to you whenever problems arise.
Their dependance and weight of relationship is onto you when in the first place, it shouldn't be.
It could be possible that you've not been drawing the line clear between counselling and friendship advice.
So on this point. Yes it's your fault for not stating clearly what and how you can help.
From a friendship point of view. Again, you're not at fault.
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If this couple's relationship is unable to keep within two person. Their problems will always need third party to be resolved.
This r/s is seen unsustainable in my point of view - A relationship not being able to stand on it's own is not a grown/matured form of Love.
The basic foundation is soft and sinking. Either one of them are unwilling to tie matters up, looking at facts plainly and trying to solve it.
Weak parties + weak/miscommunication = dying r/s It is human for us to look at matters in a logical manner.
However when it comes to people whom are close to us who faces problems, we can't help but to include emotions into our logical solution. Which actually is distorted already.
Again, it's the line where you'll draw.
Cheers -
Sometimes we cannot be too helpful.
Recalling the 'help butterfly out of cacoon' story. -
i would suggest her to re-evaluate her r/s. marriage is a big commitment.
im sure somewhere in her heart she knows this r.s can not make it onex. perhaps she still harbouring tots tat things will get better.
maybe find out why she so eager to get wed?
Or is it she too dependent on him? -
Today was the day for the big ROM which almost never went through.
Both were quarrling so much that everyone thought that it was over. I managed to pull both of them into a small room and lectured them for a full half and hour.
In the end both of them managed to hug and cry and everything went on smoothly after that. Sometimes pre ROM can be very tough on some couples and the pressure can be very great but I believe that if there is still love between both of them is possible till the very end.
Thanks everyone here for your comments and I am glad to inform you that they are enjoying their time together as I type this.