very heartbroken
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hi all.. just need some positive advise hopefully.
i been in this replationship for quite some time.. about 4 yrs oledi.now i starting to get pissed with my gf coz she been losing her temper over every little thing tt i do. it's like i cant express myself freely. everytime with her i must be like keeping my every move under control and be wary not to offend her. i m soooo tired of that. but then i dun wish to let her go. but she is always wanting to break up with me despite the fact that i never do anythign wrong to her. i dunno if she likes the feeling of me always clinging onto the relationship or wat but she is always the first to wanna break up. when she is calm, she will be very nice, saying that she loves this relationship etc etc.
problem comes when some things happen. its like she always like to say tt we r not compatible. ya i know tt in more ways than one we do not think in the same wavelength. but y then she can accomodate so long but now she cant? some more its not my fault. its always her abusing me. for example, i know that she does not like to be shamed in public. so i never do tt to her. but she always does tt to me. i feel so hurt man.. i just feel like slapping her but then i know if i do that she'll be gone forever. i really do not know wat to do. i dun wish to break up ... i wish to marry her one day eventually but then i am so very tired of always waiting whole day for her company, then after she knocks off work and i meet her, we end up arguing with me feeling so hurt. btw, she is my first n only love while i m like her countless? all her prev relationships lasted less than few months, the longest being 6 months only. that 6 month guy is the one she loved the most but then that guy went fooling ard. sometimes i feel that she deserved it. coz i never fooled ard.. never beat her.. always give her the best that i can afford. but she never appreciate me. but i so stupid still do all these.. as i typing this i feel so pain.
btw we are of different race. and she always like to bring this up. her family loves me. oni thing is my gf keep losing her temper for every small thing that i do. so sianz... i soemtimes think y am i afraid to break up with her? is it coz i afraid to meet my n her family as a single person? or is it i scare that i wont haf another gf thats y i clinging onto this one? damn heartbroken here.. i do not know how to salvage thi srelationship. btw there is no 3rd party in this relationship. just tt my stupid gf has a battered past so she always thinks that relationships will fail etc etc. pls advise.. thanks.. and i hate it that she keep saying we are not compatible after so long 4 yrs?? y not say that in the beginning of our relationship?? get wat i mean?? -
Your r/s's on the rocks now..... and u're having a hard time tolerating her... do you think you can tahan her for the rest of your life if you marry her? why not keep your options open, maybe you can find someone better later on?
It's wiser to be rational in your case...... -
move on
it wouldn't help both if you continue on being like this -
Different race? What kind of different race?
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u may love her alot deep deep in there but sometimes u must take up the courage n leave her cos u noe tat this will mess up your mind... thigns maybe nice n goody during the calm times but do u wan to live like this 4ever? u can try to sort it out with her about how u feel about her then see how from there... but my good advice speaking from experience is leave when u can... she might find the guy who can let her be forever happy... it may turn out well, it may not... just do it...
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She had previous bad r/s don't mean yours is going to be. She needs to be clear. Embarassing one's partner in public is absolute no no for me. Its simple respect and if that cannot be done. Then its a very serious grevience
Your current feelings needs to be communicated to her. This r/s is between you and her so you both need to understand and decide what to do next together - ie put in effort to continue or to just let things go smoothly.
She treats you badly and thinks negatively. There's only this much you can take. This also you need to highlight to her perhaps its her expectations that needed adjustments. And to add on, having negative thoughts is ok, but to go on and on and act out on it is not OK. Its a self fulfilling prophecy. It will eventually drive you away and thus she will blame whatever she can blame but never learn the lesson of her bad behaviour.
If you still really like her, you need to find out what is eating her so much and understand why she's acting so. If its just her true colors you see now, then you gotta think if you are gonna put up with this over long term - ir 50-80 yrs. Being in a r/s is always a moving compromise. Hence both of you need to learn to give way, not one p[arty always putting up with another. You want to build an ever strong r/s, not one that breaks down and live in regrets.
Being in different race, you two need to put in extra effort to bridge the gap. But if all else does not work after trying for a period, you need to decide if you still want to continue on or don't waste anymore time and let each other be happier alone. Thing is you are unhappy now cause of all these things cummulating. And if you feel that your r/s is making you both unhappy... then there is really only one final way. I feel, personally, r/s should bring out the best of each other and also bring happiness to both parties .. not more sadness .... you want sadness, just work 16 hours a day and walk out in the street and see all the sad working people who also laboured all day. -
Start looking for someone else and be prepared to be dumped cos she's already looking for someone else. And....if you felt a lot of times that she didn't love you anymore even when she still appears to like you, I can tell you that your instincts are correct.
Good luck and brace yourself for the inevitable.
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Originally posted by bravo82:hi all.. just need some positive advise hopefully.
i been in this replationship for quite some time.. about 4 yrs oledi.now i starting to get pissed with my gf coz she been losing her temper over every little thing tt i do. it's like i cant express myself freely. everytime with her i must be like keeping my every move under control and be wary not to offend her. i m soooo tired of that. but then i dun wish to let her go. but she is always wanting to break up with me despite the fact that i never do anythign wrong to her. i dunno if she likes the feeling of me always clinging onto the relationship or wat but she is always the first to wanna break up. when she is calm, she will be very nice, saying that she loves this relationship etc etc.
problem comes when some things happen. its like she always like to say tt we r not compatible. ya i know tt in more ways than one we do not think in the same wavelength. but y then she can accomodate so long but now she cant? some more its not my fault. its always her abusing me. for example, i know that she does not like to be shamed in public. so i never do tt to her. but she always does tt to me. i feel so hurt man.. i just feel like slapping her but then i know if i do that she'll be gone forever. i really do not know wat to do. i dun wish to break up ... i wish to marry her one day eventually but then i am so very tired of always waiting whole day for her company, then after she knocks off work and i meet her, we end up arguing with me feeling so hurt. btw, she is my first n only love while i m like her countless? all her prev relationships lasted less than few months, the longest being 6 months only. that 6 month guy is the one she loved the most but then that guy went fooling ard. sometimes i feel that she deserved it. coz i never fooled ard.. never beat her.. always give her the best that i can afford. but she never appreciate me. but i so stupid still do all these.. as i typing this i feel so pain.
btw we are of different race. and she always like to bring this up. her family loves me. oni thing is my gf keep losing her temper for every small thing that i do. so sianz... i soemtimes think y am i afraid to break up with her? is it coz i afraid to meet my n her family as a single person? or is it i scare that i wont haf another gf thats y i clinging onto this one? damn heartbroken here.. i do not know how to salvage thi srelationship. btw there is no 3rd party in this relationship. just tt my stupid gf has a battered past so she always thinks that relationships will fail etc etc. pls advise.. thanks.. and i hate it that she keep saying we are not compatible after so long 4 yrs?? y not say that in the beginning of our relationship?? get wat i mean??
Your girlfriend certainly has a foul temper and to me, this behaviour isn't particularly surprising, considering how much you give in to her. I am not saying you shouldn't give in to your Love, but to give in blindly upon infinite occasions over a period of four years will make her gradually adopt an attitude, which will NOT only serve to take advantage of your good nature, but also proliferate the intensity of her nonsense over time.
It is more like a personality problem, than a compatibility problem. That's probably the reason why communication fails. If she has a string of exes that lasted for mere couple of months each - very likely, there is something 'wrong' with this woman.
*** I remember when my tu di entered into a relationship with this Pisces girl, who had scores of man before him, and I witness how tormenting the relationship was, even though his relationship lasted the longest among them.
I warned him: 'There is something about her personality that makes relationship difficult. If all those who had tried before and failed to change her mindset and everything else, what makes you think you could succeed? I am not here to discourage you from your relationship, but it is something you must put into consideration.'
He told me 'True Love conquers all.'
Yunhaier looked at him and smiled.
*** First Love? CloUdiSm has this theory which states that people's endurance in relationship is inversely proportionate to how many relationship they have. The more relationship they undergo, the less endurance they will have for their relationship, thus our endurance for nonsense is usually the greatest in our first love or the first relationship that matters alot to us. Our patience erodes with more meaningless relationship we have, as we gain an attitude of giving-it-up-easily and searching for new potentials whenever we encounter some complication in our relationship. We also become emotionally defensive, unable to give ourselves fully to the relationship.
You are someone, but in the process, you become somebody else. You altered yourself so that you could fit nicely, without disrupting her sanity and ruin this relationship.
What kind of Love are we having here? An one-sided affair? With you trying to hold on so much... and probably only you wanting to hold on?
A relationship with yourself perhaps?
Communication... where has the communication gone to?
Have you gotten to the root of her personality disorder that is causing so much distress to the relationship? Her negative mentality? Have you sought ways to repair those useless message saved by her past experience? It seemed that you have spend more time, in trying to appease her, fearing that the relationship may be destroyed the minute you fail to do something that makes her happy, than to enlighten, share, work things through what's really affecting this Love - her core personality.
Then again, my question to you is: what kind of Love are we having here?
This reminded me of a story, of an old man who is asked to quit smoking because of his ill health, but chose to continue the habit because the withdrawal symptoms 'kills' him faster than his weak health. He's already so old, smoking for decades and therefore, don't even have the physical strength to challenge those withdrawal symptoms. Seriously, the withdrawal effect could claim his life and since he realise to give up also die... don't give up also die... then smoke lor. You are in the same predicament.
It's probably a little late to decide on anything without the risk of her saying 'letÂ’s break up' and you begging her not to. So instead of enraging her, you just let her do what she wants... leading to your current sorry plight. I understand your desire to marry her, but if you were to marry this problem into your marriage, even without checking your birth chart, I can probably tell you that divorce is around the corner.
If one cannot solve his BGR problem in a relationship, a marriage cannot change anything either.
P.S: To break up with you don't necessary mean that you have to do something bad to her. If she wants to go... she will go. This is our freewill in relationship - you are just delaying the inevitable... the fact that she wants out, with you holding on for as long as you could bear.
Cheers -
u are just worried u aint gonna get another girlfriend if you give up on this one.. just break up, endure the next few weeks of emo crap, then you'd be ok chilling out with your best friends... 4 years is nothing if you dont enjoy being with her... just let go and carry on..
there're so many fishes out in da sea. why worry? -
Why put up with her insults?
Tell her that u won't tolerate her rude behaviour & she must make an effort to change. If not, u will break up with her.
Don't be afraid of losing her. The more u cling, the more she will take advantage. Remember what is most impt. is to be happy in a r/s.
How long the r/s is doesn't matter. -
hi bravo82 are you true to your heart?
after 4 years you still could not have any progress in this relationship...from the way i see it you are scared that you will not be able to find a new gal friend and thats the main reason you refuse to leave her..
Is it really worth the time and effort that you put on her? think carefully..cos if you truely love her you will have to support her all the way..even she slaps u or scold you. This is the most important phase of the relationship. where u have to decided yourself whether you love her so much that u are willing to accept her for who she is.
She lacks trust and understanding cos she been through so much.. girls like her need lots of assurance and loving care from the ones that love her.. but if you touch her heart by constantly being there for her... she will be yours oncce she had made up her mind..
Be warn is a long and tough process.. some girls take a long time to accept the guy and it will take you quite some time to show her that u r the one... -
What are both your races...?Originally posted by bravo82:hi all.. just need some positive advise hopefully.
i been in this replationship for quite some time.. about 4 yrs oledi.now i starting to get pissed with my gf coz she been losing her temper over every little thing tt i do. it's like i cant express myself freely. everytime with her i must be like keeping my every move under control and be wary not to offend her. i m soooo tired of that. but then i dun wish to let her go. but she is always wanting to break up with me despite the fact that i never do anythign wrong to her. i dunno if she likes the feeling of me always clinging onto the relationship or wat but she is always the first to wanna break up. when she is calm, she will be very nice, saying that she loves this relationship etc etc.
problem comes when some things happen. its like she always like to say tt we r not compatible. ya i know tt in more ways than one we do not think in the same wavelength. but y then she can accomodate so long but now she cant? some more its not my fault. its always her abusing me. for example, i know that she does not like to be shamed in public. so i never do tt to her. but she always does tt to me. i feel so hurt man.. i just feel like slapping her but then i know if i do that she'll be gone forever. i really do not know wat to do. i dun wish to break up ... i wish to marry her one day eventually but then i am so very tired of always waiting whole day for her company, then after she knocks off work and i meet her, we end up arguing with me feeling so hurt. btw, she is my first n only love while i m like her countless? all her prev relationships lasted less than few months, the longest being 6 months only. that 6 month guy is the one she loved the most but then that guy went fooling ard. sometimes i feel that she deserved it. coz i never fooled ard.. never beat her.. always give her the best that i can afford. but she never appreciate me. but i so stupid still do all these.. as i typing this i feel so pain.
btw we are of different race. and she always like to bring this up. her family loves me. oni thing is my gf keep losing her temper for every small thing that i do. so sianz... i soemtimes think y am i afraid to break up with her? is it coz i afraid to meet my n her family as a single person? or is it i scare that i wont haf another gf thats y i clinging onto this one? damn heartbroken here.. i do not know how to salvage thi srelationship. btw there is no 3rd party in this relationship. just tt my stupid gf has a battered past so she always thinks that relationships will fail etc etc. pls advise.. thanks.. and i hate it that she keep saying we are not compatible after so long 4 yrs?? y not say that in the beginning of our relationship?? get wat i mean??
4 years and this relationship 'worked'...? Maybe it was never meant to be in the 1st place..? Somehow you just clinged on to it...?
After what your gf had with her previous exs., you would sound like a pretty good catch to me? But of course, no puppy would be interesting to play around with if it is to obey your every command..? Just like a robot.. Could be pretty meaningless...?
Mmm... Depending on how much you really like to save this relationship.. You can start by letting her know exactly how you feel about the whole situation..? How much you really love her and hope this relationship can work out for the better...? The rest would very much have to depend on her at this point..?
Since you've been so 'soft' all along, I would suggest you keep to the 'soft' approach for now with a bit of 'firmness' to show her you 'mean business' and how serious you are with her... Slowly you can contribute more 'control' by being more firm in certain aspects of your relationship...
For a better understanding of what I'm talking about, DO READ UP on Yun's post.. He has got pretty much most of the things sum up for you...? -
Oh yeah.. What are both your horoscopes by the way...?
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This is like buying China Aviation Oil shares, when you buy the value goes up, then things turn sour and by the time you want to turn back, it is not even worth paper value.
The longer you hold to the emotional burden, the longer you will suffer. Trust me, some pple buay kan one.
Move on with your life. -
hey everyone, thanks for all ur replies. been reading thru them and certainly am trying to understand some things. well.. now she just sms me saying that we just cant get along and we cant understand each other. finally she ended the sms by asking if i still wanna continue on??
anyway it has come to me that i haf to make a decision. i am tired of always hearing her giving up on the relationship. i am thinking of replying her that i wish to stop this relationship also. wat irks me is the fact that she been complaining to her colleagues abt me n my problems. while i never ever tok anything about her behind her back. i damn sad to leave this relationship coz i know all her extended family etc.. they all are a bunch of nice ppl. just tt my gf has this problem. i am trying to muster up all my courage and to just reply a "lets breakoff" msg to her.
so sad.. even though during our schooling days, so many ppl(her own race n her own gd frenz) say tt she does not deserve me but i still stood by her and lost so many frenz. even in class, i let her copy my work. even though she so stupid dunno her stuff, i so patiently explained to her even though i myself had so little time to do revision for the next day paper. wats even more ironic is tt next week we bot tix for a holiday. u think i should breakoff now? i bought the damn tix with my last bit of money n i mean it!! now i damn broke. damn pissed...just feel like cursing her. she will never be happy in life. -
since she pose u the question then better end it...
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alo boi, marnee can always make back one, as long as u r alive, willing to work, u can neber go hungry in singapore.Originally posted by bravo82:hey everyone, thanks for all ur replies. been reading thru them and certainly am trying to understand some things. well.. now she just sms me saying that we just cant get along and we cant understand each other. finally she ended the sms by asking if i still wanna continue on??
anyway it has come to me that i haf to make a decision. i am tired of always hearing her giving up on the relationship. i am thinking of replying her that i wish to stop this relationship also. wat irks me is the fact that she been complaining to her colleagues abt me n my problems. while i never ever tok anything about her behind her back. i damn sad to leave this relationship coz i know all her extended family etc.. they all are a bunch of nice ppl. just tt my gf has this problem. i am trying to muster up all my courage and to just reply a "lets breakoff" msg to her.
so sad.. even though during our schooling days, so many ppl(her own race n her own gd frenz) say tt she does not deserve me but i still stood by her and lost so many frenz. even in class, i let her copy my work. even though she so stupid dunno her stuff, i so patiently explained to her even though i myself had so little time to do revision for the next day paper. wats even more ironic is tt next week we bot tix for a holiday. u think i should breakoff now? i bought the damn tix with my last bit of money n i mean it!! now i damn broke. damn pissed...just feel like cursing her. she will never be happy in life.
dun b sore, tomolo will b a new sunrise and a happy day for u. -
bravo82:
You need to think over very hard. To measure the good things and good times against the issues and long term consequence/issues. You also need to think practically if you can influence you gf for the better or you have to put up and do that for long term. I would never suggest requesting changing a person cause this is the stupidest thing - I rather you move everst to pacific ocean cause its easier.
If you guys want to continue. Both must put in effort.
If she didn't, then you must draw the line. This might surface again and you need to address the underlying issues of the r/s.
If you cannot take it. Then you must prepare for your world to collaspe as well.
She must know you break up cause oth are unhappy with this r/s. It done for the good of the both of you. BTW, although this is hard, it might be good to break up face to face.
Whatever happened in the past, let it be in the past. whatever decision onward, its the future that matters. whatever this r/s, there are some lessons to learn from it and you need to think it over, digest, reflect and see the situation/issues and understand from the experience - to become a better person. And know the next one will only be better. Ticket can be sold off to recovery some money if you really need the money as what I am doing with my PC parts (I loan my office machine to use right now).
I cannot tell you the solution. I cannot tell you it will not hurt. I can tell you humans, emotions and relationships is very complicated. I wish the best for you and good luck. -
Come on... Some girls DO talk about their problems with friends and colleagues.. Where else do you expect them to turn to..? WALLS...??Originally posted by bravo82:hey everyone, thanks for all ur replies. been reading thru them and certainly am trying to understand some things. well.. now she just sms me saying that we just cant get along and we cant understand each other. finally she ended the sms by asking if i still wanna continue on??
anyway it has come to me that i haf to make a decision. i am tired of always hearing her giving up on the relationship. i am thinking of replying her that i wish to stop this relationship also. wat irks me is the fact that she been complaining to her colleagues abt me n my problems. while i never ever tok anything about her behind her back. i damn sad to leave this relationship coz i know all her extended family etc.. they all are a bunch of nice ppl. just tt my gf has this problem. i am trying to muster up all my courage and to just reply a "lets breakoff" msg to her.
so sad.. even though during our schooling days, so many ppl(her own race n her own gd frenz) say tt she does not deserve me but i still stood by her and lost so many frenz. even in class, i let her copy my work. even though she so stupid dunno her stuff, i so patiently explained to her even though i myself had so little time to do revision for the next day paper. wats even more ironic is tt next week we bot tix for a holiday. u think i should breakoff now? i bought the damn tix with my last bit of money n i mean it!! now i damn broke. damn pissed...just feel like cursing her. she will never be happy in life.
I hardly understand how the 'tickets for holidays' can come into the picture for decision now... If it has to end, it has to end yeah..? Even if both of you go holiday together doesn't mean the relationship would last...?
BY THE WAY, it might be SAD that you'll have to leave a bunch of 'NICE PEOPLE in laws'... But that's... Also not totally the main issue...? 
What I personally see? She has been SUGGESTING THINGS, it's now YOUR CALL to make the 'DECISION' (or maybe not?).... I FEEL that you're NOT REALLY HAPPY in this RELATIONSHIP but has a STRONG UNWILLINGNESS to LET IT GO....