parents' quarrel
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hello, people, does your parents quarrel? how do you deal with it?
my parents quarrel from time to time about all kinds of stuff. it is actually okay if they just quarrel and stop after a while. what is worse is that they quarrel, then remained angry with each other for at least a week, and in the process try to irritate one another and result in more quarrels.
i want to help solve this but everytime i tried to mediate, i will be totally ignored. what shall i do? -
tok to SOS helpline.... get professional help.
they probably stressed out by $$ i supposed.
there may be family mediation tribunals in your neighborhood. -
Poor Peanut Butter..
My parents used to quarrel all the time... and i know how u feel about it...
everytime the shouting begins... suddenly i feel so helpless
like i am 8 years old again, sobbing outside the door
listening to them scream at each other...terrified..
Things got really bad too about 2-3 yrs ago.. My dad has a bad temper
and though he doesn't hit my mom, he does flare up in other scary ways
I got through weeks just waiting for the next outburst and sometimes, when the outburst comes, I don't know whether to feel stressed or relieved
cos I've been EXPECTING it.. u know?
After a particularly bad.. quarrel.. where my dad lost control of his temper
I was terrified but.. it's hard to blame him cos.. u know.. he had issues growing up.. it isnt altogether his fault...
Hmmm finally my mom and I desperately convinced my dad for all of us to see a counsellor together
We went through family counselling which did help a bit, and slowly paved the way for my dad to go for further counselling and psychiatric help.It was a very difficult time and it took time.. it took us YEARS... but I think what came through was my dad finally seeing how much we love him.
One thing I learnt is... you are not responsible for your parents' issues. So you mustn't blame yourself if you feel helpless. What you can do is to stand by them, support them through this difficult period. You can't make decisions for them. They may not have handled this well but they are adults.
-hugs- Hope things go better for you. -
hmm seriously how old are you? if young then maybe if you cry and make them feel guilty. if older then try and talk to them individually or ask them go see councilor?
jsut for fun: threaten to commit suicide -
does counselling really helps? my parents are the type who are very sensitive to other people's help. they always think that strangers are trying to cheat them or something. it might be easier if it was only my father flaring up but the problem is both of them like to get angry from time to time, thus causing all the trouble. if i have siblings, it might be easier too, but the problem is i am the only child.
i am still schooling. my parents object to me taking a part-time job because they want me to concentrate on my studies. so i have no money of my own really since i depend on allowances. i do not feel secure at all. sometimes, i am amazed that this family is still intact today.
anyway, thanks for the advice so far. i just hope nothing really bad happens. -
well sometimes when parents quarrel it's best that we as childrens don't interfere cause it's adults problem... if we interfere we might make it worse... we only interfere when physical contact is being used by either parents... when both of them cool down already try to let both of them sit down and discuss it peaceful while you act as a center man to prevent further quarrels....
try to convince them to sit down and talk, tell them to wrtie or voice out the happiness with each other... then ask them to find solutions to solve the problem... while you act as a mediator...
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yes, professional counsellors will help to make them compromise and understand that the r/s gg dw the drain will not beneft them in the long run.Originally posted by Peanut Butter:does counselling really helps? my parents are the type who are very sensitive to other people's help. they always think that strangers are trying to cheat them or something. it might be easier if it was only my father flaring up but the problem is both of them like to get angry from time to time, thus causing all the trouble. if i have siblings, it might be easier too, but the problem is i am the only child.
i am still schooling. my parents object to me taking a part-time job because they want me to concentrate on my studies. so i have no money of my own really since i depend on allowances. i do not feel secure at all. sometimes, i am amazed that this family is still intact today.
anyway, thanks for the advice so far. i just hope nothing really bad happens. -
your parents may have unresolved issues from way back...
you trying can only help clear the symptom but not the problem
this is between them both, and only both of them can resolve the problem.
you are too young and probably dont know the problem either.
just use your time to focus what you can change, like your life and not waste energy on what you cannot... like your parents.
it is true - we cannot change people who dont not want to change.
also true - there is only so much that we can do -
It is ok to mediate, but 1st U must not be emotionally effected by their quarrel. Be patient and keep a calm & clear mind, try to understand wat's their quarrel about.Originally posted by Peanut Butter:hello, people, does your parents quarrel? how do you deal with it?
my parents quarrel from time to time about all kinds of stuff. it is actually okay if they just quarrel and stop after a while. what is worse is that they quarrel, then remained angry with each other for at least a week, and in the process try to irritate one another and result in more quarrels.
i want to help solve this but everytime i tried to mediate, i will be totally ignored. what shall i do?
Know your stand and situation - in some ways U may be able help - but if things get really worse, dun involve. Seek professional help.
1) Talk to either mum or dad - choose the one whom u are more able to talk to and u think will listen to u most.
2) Choose the right *Timing - when people are in *good mood they are more willing to discuss.
3) Be strong and positive - Ask questions with a *smile and listen attentively to them when they talk about their unhappiness with each other.
4) Only When they are 'open up'... then let them know how their quarrel affected you and the family as a WHOLE. Let them know ur intention to help and want to improve their relationship - see their respond.
During the conversation in case their mood turn bad - change to other positive topics, abandon the mediation. But dun give up, try again next time and use different methods. At the same time, seek sch or family counsellors for advices 1st before making the next move. -
oh dear. my parents seldom quarrel, even if they do, they will do it in the middle of the night, behind closed bedroom doors. and i will be asleep so i will not find out until my father tells me.
i cannot imagine how terrible if one day my parents will scream at each other like that. but i suppose you can talk to the parent you are closer to. tell him of her that you are affected by their quarreling. see if you work out something. -
Hi Peanut Butter (yummy!),
Your situation is already pretty good. I tried to mediate, & 1 of the parents turned on me instead!
From then on, I learnt Not to interfere with my parents' matters. No matter how good the children's intentions are, it's still ultimately between your parents to resolve things by themselves.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Peanut Butter:hello, people, does your parents quarrel? how do you deal with it?
my parents quarrel from time to time about all kinds of stuff. it is actually okay if they just quarrel and stop after a while. what is worse is that they quarrel, then remained angry with each other for at least a week, and in the process try to irritate one another and result in more quarrels.
i want to help solve this but everytime i tried to mediate, i will be totally ignored. what shall i do? -
At the start of the topic tt ur parents objected u to finding a pt time work, and instead wanting u to concentrate on ur studies. This shows tt how bad their quarrel with each other, deep in their heart they still luv u. Even if (touch wood) they know tt the marriage will not last, they will remain together just for the sake of u. As they know how terrible it is for a child to have a single parent. U see, maybe (maybe only) now their lives revolving around u and they wan to make sure u get the best. So the best thing u can give them now is to listen to them and study smart.
As nuchio had said tt you are too young and probably dont know the problem either. It is true. As a student, we do not experience much of finanical woes yet, the stress level in the working world and poor relations wif e relatives and is my child going to stray. From my own life experiences, these 4 things is enough to crack my parents. So listen to them study smart. Show them tt u r able to take care of urself, this way, there is one lesser worries for them.
Hmm... where is AA's counsellor, vampire Yun -
Get them family counselling if you can? Otherwise.. If you're serious about 'mediation', START by doing SO during NORMAL TIMES... Talk about things... Spend more time together as a family doing MEANINGFUL THINGS and talk about the QUARRELS a bit... Ways to avoid or to lessen the effects...Originally posted by Peanut Butter:hello, people, does your parents quarrel? how do you deal with it?
my parents quarrel from time to time about all kinds of stuff. it is actually okay if they just quarrel and stop after a while. what is worse is that they quarrel, then remained angry with each other for at least a week, and in the process try to irritate one another and result in more quarrels.
i want to help solve this but everytime i tried to mediate, i will be totally ignored. what shall i do?
Don't only 'try to solve a quarrel' when they're in the middle of a HEATED ARGUEMENT... -
Hello .. u may want to try out AWWA ... they provide family problem counseling service .....
http://www.awwa.org.sg/fsc/ -
[quote]Originally posted by Peanut Butter:
does counselling really helps? my parents are the type who are very sensitive to other people's help. they always think that strangers are trying to cheat them or something.
I don't think counselling is something that helps in the short term. My parents were also uncomfortable with the idea of talking to some counsellor.. and its like.. geez.. what makes them think they are smarter than us and can help us??? The most difficult part is to get them TO the counsellor in the first place. In an asian society, where 'face' is very important, it is very very difficult.
BUT talking to a non-judgemental, unbiased stranger is good cos a counsellor is a trained listener. A good counsellor can help them to sort out their own confused emotions, and understand the reasons why they are frustrated with each other.
it might be easier if it was only my father flaring up but the problem is both of them like to get angry from time to time, thus causing all the trouble. if i have siblings, it might be easier too, but the problem is i am the only child.
Yes and No ba.. for me.. my mom was like a terrorized victim. She was suffering from a nervous breakdown etc etc. If both gets angry, at least both are managing to get their emotions 'purged'... Sometimes non violent anger is also a form of communicating that your parents have not 'given up' on each other, and are still struggling to communicate, even if they are not doing well at it.
I guess with a sibling you can have someone to confide in. But if your sibling is younger than you, and may not understand the situation, you may have to play good child plus good brother/sister too. Juggling protective roles is not something many people can handle easily.
-pat pat ur head- Take time out when you must. And Unless you are very sure you can play a mediator role, the best is not to take sides, even if one party 'forces' you to, cos chances are, it will turn them against each other. Ultimately you know both your parents love you. Their relationship problem is something they need to struggle with themselves.
Be handy with the tissue, your presence, a listening ear, a nonjudgemental mind, a cup of tea, and a lot of love and respect. At least when they are sorting out their own problems, you won't add on to their burden.
That's all a filial child can do. -
thanks again for the advice.
i will try and see what i do. i have tried to talk to them about this but most of the time, it ends up with being "you're still young, concentrate on your studies" etc.
i can understand the love from my parents, well, i am an only child, but it does feel demoralising that i have no siblings that can join me in this sort of thing. talking to friends doesn't really help much, except that they are always glad to hear me express my thoughts and stuff. i am grateful to them for that.
luckily, the last quarrel has ended and things are slowly going back to normal. i hope it does not get worse in the future, what with all the newspaper reports about family violence etc. -
quarrels dun die down and go away if they keep that in their heart.
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~smile~ yes.. it is like this.. my parents used to say this to me too...
but you will grow up slowly... and one day, they won't be able to say that to you anymore... but like i said, its a long hard road... and it is harder, you being an only child... -patpat- at least you have good friends who can listen. If you feel like ranting, you can pop me a message too. I can't guarantee I can understand everything but..
I can listen!
u know what they say.. jia jia you ben nan nian de jing.. (Every Family got its.. hmmm.. difficult to read.. book?) ... don't give up okie? It really isnt easy.. But I think will have 'hai kuo tian kong' one day. -
parent quarrel is their issue
siblings quarrel, children and parents quarrel, people have different view points. And some times too strong. Just don't assume blame for the quarrel. Its very disconcerting to see parents quarrel
My parent fought over my education in pri school. My dad didn't want me to study, my mom insisted. And in the end, she walked out and didn't come back until couple days later. My parents quarrel over many things from mundane to major issues. But its not everyday they quarrel and sometimes life, stress and changes cause tempers to flare. I remember once I was in the toilet while my parents fought just outside my toilet in the kitchen.. my dad had always had a short temper, stubborn and sometimes bordering on unreasonable and always want his way. So they threw hot water, thermas flask and such.. broke proceline bowls and such. I was in the toilet crying, and I held my glasses too tightly I broke it at the bridge. Later, then the quarrel lessen. I came out. I didn't want to spend more money on another pair of spec and so used glue and oil lamp flame to fuse the parts together.
If the adults are ready to change and they feel their r/s is at an interval they need to do something before the r/s break down. That is when intervention from a 3rd party might be useful. But know this. All families, all people, as long as there is a difference of opinion, there is potential for quarrel. -
it's even worse when you have sibling and they dun join in this sort of things...Originally posted by Peanut Butter:thanks again for the advice.
i will try and see what i do. i have tried to talk to them about this but most of the time, it ends up with being "you're still young, concentrate on your studies" etc.
i can understand the love from my parents, well, i am an only child, but it does feel demoralising that i have no siblings that can join me in this sort of thing. talking to friends doesn't really help much, except that they are always glad to hear me express my thoughts and stuff. i am grateful to them for that.
luckily, the last quarrel has ended and things are slowly going back to normal. i hope it does not get worse in the future, what with all the newspaper reports about family violence etc.
on another note, personally i just let my parents quarrel when they do. if i join in, i will only make matters more complicated. one parent may feel i am siding with the other, and he usually becomes doubly fierce cos now, he will think he is "fighting" two people instead of one.
let them sort things out on their own. only intervene when violence is involved. if you're a gal, call the police if you need to. be strong. -
Often they could be 'hidden reasons' behind such quarrels.. If you can, perhaps you could try to find out more from one of your parents whom you're closer to...? But keep an OPEN MIND about what you hear and try to be OBJECTIVE about things... This is just a step for you to BEGIN to know of some of the things which might not have been previously known to you...Originally posted by Peanut Butter:thanks again for the advice.
i will try and see what i do. i have tried to talk to them about this but most of the time, it ends up with being "you're still young, concentrate on your studies" etc.
i can understand the love from my parents, well, i am an only child, but it does feel demoralising that i have no siblings that can join me in this sort of thing. talking to friends doesn't really help much, except that they are always glad to hear me express my thoughts and stuff. i am grateful to them for that.
luckily, the last quarrel has ended and things are slowly going back to normal. i hope it does not get worse in the future, what with all the newspaper reports about family violence etc.
At the same time, if they think that 'you're still young'... Try to let them understand that they also ain't that 'mature' in the way they handle the situations.. And whether adult or not, problems still needs to be solved and faced... And if they consider you as part of the family, they should VERY WELL consider YOUR SHARE of the situation...
Last but not least, if you think you've got little say in things in discussions.. You can alternatively or at the same time try to get some activities involved which might strengthen the bond of your family.. eg. like meaningful family outings.. etc. -
My parents had been quarreling 30 over years,day & nite.
Now they r still Quarreling like that. After i shifted out 13 yrs ago after my marriage,they r still quarreling. -
Peanut butter, sometimes in a relationship it is good to quarrel.. it is good to "fight" it "spices" things up in a way....
i mean when you are in a relationship be it BGR or siblings, or very very very close friends, there will always be a quarrel or a bicker here and there....
I mean which sisters, brothers do not quarrel, or fight??? but at the end of the day (or when they have calmed down) do they still love each other? of course they do....
quarrels are part and parcel of life....
I guess all you can do is monitor the situation... help only when you think things are getting out of hands... but if not, just stay out of their way and let them work things out their own way.... -
Well it's true tat all ppl w quarrel one dy.It's jus a matter of reg. wat.Parents' quarrel w affect d child, so do try not 2 quarrel in front of ur child.Evey hse has their own bible (chinese saying)