Starting Over as Friends
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I have a relationship.. coming to almost 3 years. Recently, we are in this cooling off mode after she said (and i feel so too) that the passion seems to have died off and that we have become more and more like friends instead of lovers.
I don't want to give all this up and she suggested that we can try it all over as friends..
Now here is the complicated bit..
I think there is another guy in the picture. Its her colleague who has been quite nice to her and do things that make people wonder if he is after her.. every of her outing involves him but the guy did not really made any move yet, even knowing that we are already in the cooling off mode. She said that its not the guy and that our problem will still be there with or without him..
I am quite devoted and I don;t really want to give up this relationship. But some have said that its a bit foolish, and in a similar posting of a situation, the girl was also being called selfish..
during the cooling off, she was supposed to have thought abt things and how she wants to proceed with this, but after thinking for about 2 months there is no progress.. she still cant decide whether to give up the relationship or make up her mind to try over again. her excuse for not wanting to commit is that she dun feel the "feeling" anymore.. its like a stalemate and somehow we came to a middle ground of starting over as friends... not that i like this option either.. cos its like admitting that the relationship we had is as good as dead..
we are not getting any younger but i feel that her state of mind is still not ready to settle down.
wats the best course of action for me? i just dun want to give up but it seems like more and more we are heading that way..
appreciate some advice pls, probably from another angle things might be clearer.. -
from a girl's point of view, i think she has already considered letting u go.
starting as friends again is juz an excuse not to put it across to harshly.
or maybe, she juz wants to have that feeling of you chasing after her again.
sometimes when a couple has been together for quite awhile, its no longer love. more like a habit of being together. u feel that way?
a quarrel or misunderstanding would be the last thing u would wan to happen at this point of time. coz that will be the bullet to end it off. the reason for her to leave u. it could juz be a simple misunderstanding which both of u can resolve, but probably too tired or lazy to resolve it. then thats the end of the story already.
i may be wrong about it, coz i dun quite know both of u. thats juz based on my own experience.
do try to find out wat she actually wans. is she happy during the relationship with u? u might feel that u have put in alot of effort, but it might not be wat she actually wants.
best wishes. -
hi Ecxentrique!
Long time no see ur post liao.
She said the feeling is not there liao, and wants u to start over as friend. Perhaps she juz wanted to minimise the hurt done to u. It's up to u to take accept it or not. Apparently, her mind is set. Chang tong bu ru duan tong.. if u can be frens, good.. if u can't.. then i know wat u will be going thru lor.
I feel sad for u.. but I would advise u to let her go ba.
Pressing her for a decision will only irritate her more. Then there will be more and more damage done. Things will eventully turn ugly. So what if u are devoted? Ren jia bu ling qing. When a person has a change of heart, no matter what u do will not win her heart back. Sad, but I learnt it the hard way.
Anyway, pat pat* All the best to you~! -
bro, take things easy.. why still not married arh.. gf/bf relationship cannot drag too long de.. if wanna be gf/bf and not get married so early, u will have to try different approach liao... best if u can re-act the courting period to try something fresh again..
feel sad for u.. *pat pat*..
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Ecxentrique
start mixing around with gals again..
you know and I know that your gf want to run liao no point holding on.
She is only waiting for a new bf then dump u asap....
So for a nice chap like you, you should find a gf who is willing to work towards a proper relationship not someone who blames you for not putting effort in a relationship.
3 years is not long but so fast already cannot stand you liao?
a bit strange right? humm I have seen couples who last longer than both of you...
sorry lar bro is hard for you to accept the real truth... either you accept it like a man... or wait for an answer that is already there -
If u don't want to give up the r/s, u got to start courting her all over again-
giving her hugs & lovey-dovey messages, bringing her for romantic dinners, surprising her with chocolates & little gifts etc.
Every girl crave for attention & they want to feel loved & appreciated.
U have started to take each other for granted & forget that u still have to keep on putting effort into the r/s. Even after marriage, u still have to keep romance alive.
That's why so many marriages are on the rocks cos couples neglect each other's needs. -
hmmz... i'm sorry to say this.. but i suppose the girl is not entirely at fault too.. i mean, i duno..but pls dun make it sound like the guy here is so poor thing and innocent. i'm sure if a relationship turns stale, both parties hav a part to play. the girl might be devoted also, we won't know right?
maybe our dear friend here IS devoted, but perhaps he too possessive and end up suffocating her? we can't tell right? maybe he loved her in a wrong way. wrong in her sense.
in the mean time, its not over yet Ecxentrique..
yes she might hav considered letting the relationship go..but u still can make her change her mind. u juz hav to find out how. -
yeah you should let it go too. i think she's just too kind to put it harshly. but i'm sure you can sense there's no more fire btwn the two of you uh-huh...
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ya she is signalling to you that she wanna break with you la.. hahah same way as mine did.... She dont want to say she wannna break because she wants you to do it... she dont want to get blamed for hurting you... hahah thats what i thnk la...
but up to you.. hhahaa Well If i were you i give up la... hahaha... although its gonna hurt.. but.. GO LOOK FOR NEW ONES! haha... ok la -
ahhhh cooling of period already mean u both already break up ... move on to greener pasturesOriginally posted by Ecxentrique:I have a relationship.. coming to almost 3 years. Recently, we are in this cooling off mode after she said (and i feel so too) that the passion seems to have died off and that we have become more and more like friends instead of lovers.
I don't want to give all this up and she suggested that we can try it all over as friends..
Now here is the complicated bit..
I think there is another guy in the picture. Its her colleague who has been quite nice to her and do things that make people wonder if he is after her.. every of her outing involves him but the guy did not really made any move yet, even knowing that we are already in the cooling off mode. She said that its not the guy and that our problem will still be there with or without him..
I am quite devoted and I don;t really want to give up this relationship. But some have said that its a bit foolish, and in a similar posting of a situation, the girl was also being called selfish..
during the cooling off, she was supposed to have thought abt things and how she wants to proceed with this, but after thinking for about 2 months there is no progress.. she still cant decide whether to give up the relationship or make up her mind to try over again. her excuse for not wanting to commit is that she dun feel the "feeling" anymore.. its like a stalemate and somehow we came to a middle ground of starting over as friends... not that i like this option either.. cos its like admitting that the relationship we had is as good as dead..
we are not getting any younger but i feel that her state of mind is still not ready to settle down.
wats the best course of action for me? i just dun want to give up but it seems like more and more we are heading that way..
appreciate some advice pls, probably from another angle things might be clearer.. -
waaaaaaaa...i tot i was reading a clone of mine! almost exact as my situation man! but my r/s is even longer...so sad now...
Well...she says still be friends, chase her again....i think, how can tat be...we were together for so long, and now, be friends and chase her again? means she has given up..kind of sad though....
how i miss those days..but...
I guess life has to go on...find some1 more suitable for ourselves...
But if u still love her, go after her...even if she rejects u, at least u dun have regrets later -
if she ask u to chase her again, it means u still have some hope.Originally posted by darknessfall:waaaaaaaa...i tot i was reading a clone of mine! almost exact as my situation man! but my r/s is even longer...so sad now...
Well...she says still be friends, chase her again....i think, how can tat be...we were together for so long, and now, be friends and chase her again? means she has given up..kind of sad though....
how i miss those days..but...
I guess life has to go on...find some1 more suitable for ourselves...
But if u still love her, go after her...even if she rejects u, at least u dun have regrets later -
Originally posted by smallcloud:from a girl's point of view, i think she has already considered letting u go.
>> I would think so too, cos she said this "loss of feeling" is going on for one year already. so it would have been floating around in her mind and finally came this break when she had the chance to say let go in a way i am agreeable with.
starting as friends again is juz an excuse not to put it across to harshly.
or maybe, she juz wants to have that feeling of you chasing after her again.
sometimes when a couple has been together for quite awhile, its no longer love. more like a habit of being together. u feel that way?
>> yes i think so.. maybe i have grown comfortable.. but isnt that suppose to be the way where we end up being comfortable in someway.. if at the end of the day, you pursue this girl for so long and you still dun feel comfortable, then its going to be another way of ending it.. called "no chemistry"
a quarrel or misunderstanding would be the last thing u would wan to happen at this point of time. coz that will be the bullet to end it off. the reason for her to leave u. it could juz be a simple misunderstanding which both of u can resolve, but probably too tired or lazy to resolve it. then thats the end of the story already.
>>i m just feeling a bit upset of the fact like she can still go out and really enjoy herself without thinking hard on how to move on.. maybe you are right.. she has come to the point where she has already let go..
i may be wrong about it, coz i dun quite know both of u. thats juz based on my own experience.
do try to find out wat she actually wans. is she happy during the relationship with u? u might feel that u have put in alot of effort, but it might not be wat she actually wants.
>>she wants passion and sparks.. she say no sparks already.. i m not sure abt u.. but how many couple can sustain sparks forever? i feel that we will stagnate and i also think that she is not ready to move this relationship to the next level. .it seems that she still wants to have fun.. she does acknowledge that i m a good guy... and she is undecided cos she dun want to make the mistake of letting go of someone good which she could nv have again..
best wishes.
>> thanks.. appreciate your listening ear.. do post more if you have further thoughts. -
Originally posted by browniebaobao:hi Ecxentrique!
>>hellow..
Long time no see ur post liao.
>> which was the last post you saw from me?? haha
She said the feeling is not there liao, and wants u to start over as friend. Perhaps she juz wanted to minimise the hurt done to u. It's up to u to take accept it or not. Apparently, her mind is set. Chang tong bu ru duan tong.. if u can be frens, good.. if u can't.. then i know wat u will be going thru lor.
>> its heart wrenching.. i m prepared to accept the friendship thing.. but to watch a relationship die while you can do nothing to save it.. its just pure heart wrenching.. and it really takes that to know why people say heart break.. cos i think there really is no better description than that
I feel sad for u.. but I would advise u to let her go ba.
>> rationally i have already convinced myself that for my own good, my life has to move on.. if she has already let go, there is also no point for me to hang on..
Pressing her for a decision will only irritate her more. Then there will be more and more damage done. Things will eventully turn ugly. So what if u are devoted? Ren jia bu ling qing. When a person has a change of heart, no matter what u do will not win her heart back. Sad, but I learnt it the hard way.
>>you are right.. she has said that she did notice that i make special effort during the last year, but she dun feel it in a special and romantic way.. more of appreciating it.. but not touched..
Anyway, pat pat* All the best to you~!
>>thanks.. -
Originally posted by zeny:Ecxentrique
start mixing around with gals again..
>> unfortunately my circle quite small haha.. but still.. i will see wat fate has in store for me if i really have to let go..
you know and I know that your gf want to run liao no point holding on.
She is only waiting for a new bf then dump u asap....
>> if that is true, then i think i really have to let go..
So for a nice chap like you, you should find a gf who is willing to work towards a proper relationship not someone who blames you for not putting effort in a relationship.
>> to be fair.. she is not blaming me for anything.. but then there are signs that she did subtly suggests so..
3 years is not long but so fast already cannot stand you liao?
a bit strange right? humm I have seen couples who last longer than both of you...
>> from what i heard i think this 3 year mark is quite a test to most couples.. some survive and make it better.. some just call it quits.. what my case is now.. i really dunno..
sorry lar bro is hard for you to accept the real truth... either you accept it like a man... or wait for an answer that is already there -
Originally posted by gerrykoh:If u don't want to give up the r/s, u got to start courting her all over again-
giving her hugs & lovey-dovey messages, bringing her for romantic dinners, surprising her with chocolates & little gifts etc.
>> this is what i think i will be trying to do for the coming months or weeks
Every girl crave for attention & they want to feel loved & appreciated.
>> yah but have to be by the "right" person
U have started to take each other for granted & forget that u still have to keep on putting effort into the r/s. Even after marriage, u still have to keep romance alive.
>> i do not think that all these while i took her for granted.. i wouldn want to say that she did either.. but then life's got other priorities.. you hve to work to earn money so that you can have enough for marriage and the flat... somehow along the way we trip i guess
That's why so many marriages are on the rocks cos couples neglect each other's needs.
>> there are many uncertainties in this equation.. you nv know how things will turn out in the end. -
"Let's cool off and be friends again." is a good fail-safe excuse to look for new lovers while keeping the old lover's hopes alive.
Yes, move on, but don't burn your bridges. That way, you'll always enjoy the flexibility to advance or to retreat, as and when you please. -
Originally posted by darknessfall:waaaaaaaa...i tot i was reading a clone of mine! almost exact as my situation man! but my r/s is even longer...so sad now...
>> yah i can understand hw it feels.. the longer it is all the emotional attachements.. harder to sever
Well...she says still be friends, chase her again....i think, how can tat be...we were together for so long, and now, be friends and chase her again? means she has given up..kind of sad though....
>>if really has to take the step.. it means you have already acknolwdge that you have already broken up..
how i miss those days..but...
I guess life has to go on...find some1 more suitable for ourselves...
>> true... its just sucky...
But if u still love her, go after her...even if she rejects u, at least u dun have regrets later
>> love's got to be reciprocated.. if she is not moved, then no matter what i do.. think there is not much difference.. -
i m not sure hw ready she is.. she is giving me the impression that she is unsure which way she wants to feel.. but i think to avoid the onslaught of pain and suffering, i am coming to terms with the likely scenario that we really call everything off..Originally posted by borgkilla:ahhhh cooling of period already mean u both already break up ... move on to greener pastures -
i dunno, personally i feel that there is still a responsibility and that to everyone in the picture.. it won't be fair..Originally posted by Tuatau:"Let's cool off and be friends again." is a good fail-safe excuse to look for new lovers while keeping the old lover's hopes alive.
Yes, move on, but don't burn your bridges. That way, you'll always enjoy the flexibility to advance or to retreat, as and when you please.
and to start a new relationship so soon when all the thoughts are not rationalised.. doesnt seem wise if the aim is to go for a long term r'ship..
my 2 cents.. -
Originally posted by Ecxentrique:
Unless both parties enter into a legal contract, also known as marriage, there is no court of law for affairs of the heart. No law, no justice, no accountability. Fairness is moot because how much one gives or takes in a relationship is often questionable and seldom quantifiable.
i dunno, personally i feel that there is still a responsibility and that to everyone in the picture.. it won't be fair..
and to start a new relationship so soon when all the thoughts are not rationalised.. doesnt seem wise if the aim is to go for a long term r'ship..
my 2 cents..
Rational thought is not a pre-requisite for relationships. You don't need to be of rational thought to fall in love (though it is believed, on the contrary, that you have to abandon a bit of reason to accept something as irrational as love).
A long-term relationship is definitely bound to have highs and lows, but when a party calls a time-out on love and puts friendship on the table instead, the relationship is -- more often that not -- as good as dead.
My 2 cents 2... -
you need spontenousity, excitement, romance, fun, and good weekly sex at hotel 81 together
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>> which was the last post you saw from me?? haha
can't rem.. think it's also a post on bgr.
>> its heart wrenching.. i m prepared to accept the friendship thing.. but to watch a relationship die while you can do nothing to save it.. its just pure heart wrenching.. and it really takes that to know why people say heart break.. cos i think there really is no better description than that let time do the healing job. i also duno how long it will take. Sometimes learning to let go or take it easy will make ur life easier.
>> rationally i have already convinced myself that for my own good, my life has to move on.. if she has already let go, there is also no point for me to hang on..
>> you are right.. she has said that she did notice that i make special effort during the last year, but she dun feel it in a special and romantic way.. more of appreciating it.. but not touched..
>>thanks..
At least she is appreciative.
I guess more of less u are quite calm now and have sorted out ur thinkings.
Cheer up~! -
i had the exact same situation
our passion seems to died off... shes said she nids one mth to think over our r/s
but, instead she keep avioding, dun wan to chat wif me...
finally, i confronted her trying to understand our problems.... after chatting awhile.. she thinks she no more feeling liao say wan break..
i was devestated =(
i hinted her abt reconciling... but being an indirect person she is... she carefully declined me...
once the feeling is gone.. its almost gone case liao... just try to get over it...
we're still good frens now... at least i wont need to lose contact wif some1 i loved. -
Don't tell me I know you.Originally posted by Ecxentrique:I have a relationship.. coming to almost 3 years. Recently, we are in this cooling off mode after she said (and i feel so too) that the passion seems to have died off and that we have become more and more like friends instead of lovers.
I don't want to give all this up and she suggested that we can try it all over as friends..
Now here is the complicated bit..
I think there is another guy in the picture. Its her colleague who has been quite nice to her and do things that make people wonder if he is after her.. every of her outing involves him but the guy did not really made any move yet, even knowing that we are already in the cooling off mode. She said that its not the guy and that our problem will still be there with or without him..
I am quite devoted and I don;t really want to give up this relationship. But some have said that its a bit foolish, and in a similar posting of a situation, the girl was also being called selfish..
during the cooling off, she was supposed to have thought abt things and how she wants to proceed with this, but after thinking for about 2 months there is no progress.. she still cant decide whether to give up the relationship or make up her mind to try over again. her excuse for not wanting to commit is that she dun feel the "feeling" anymore.. its like a stalemate and somehow we came to a middle ground of starting over as friends... not that i like this option either.. cos its like admitting that the relationship we had is as good as dead..
we are not getting any younger but i feel that her state of mind is still not ready to settle down.
wats the best course of action for me? i just dun want to give up but it seems like more and more we are heading that way..
appreciate some advice pls, probably from another angle things might be clearer..
*** Stagnation.
There is only one KNOWN method to get out of stagnation; which is literally make to a decision.
Why do we have stagnation?
Because we try to compromise our situation with an attempt to achieve a best of both world solution and realise that it never exist.
In all other situations, a win-win scenario may be possible, but hardly in Love. There are reasons why 'sacrifice' comes with Love - you don't hear it in the business world because in Business, everything thrives on self interest. Business don't sacrifice themselves for another firm's benefit. In similar tone, individualism don't and cannot co-exist in fulfilling relationship. What happens in Love is that we sacrifice certain things to obtain a mutual direction. This mutual decision is what your relationship is seeking.
She is thinking. In fact, she is thinking very hard: That how could it ever be possible for her to love you the way she thought it was so intense in the past and to continue the relationship, despite feeling that it doesn't come naturally - so natural as to breathing. She could be engaging in emotional conflicts because her heart may have uncovered one shocking conclusion and that she may be fighting aggressively to reject this 'truth'.
Two months and no answer? Or time to delay the 'truth'?
Is time the deciding factor here? As in, does giving more time helps to accelerate you out of your stagnation?
Actually it doesn't, although it sounded as if it did.
The deciding factor lies in what she wants (I am pretty sure of what you want... to restore the passion and love in the relationship).
What she is looking for? What she wants?
Do you even know what she wants? OR do you think that you know?
Cheers