All that jazz about communication
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Hi all,
I'm a working individual in my twenties. I have a problem.
Recently my relationship with my girl has taken quite a beating. We've been having sullen bouts of silence everytime we hang out. Obviously both of us aren't comfortable about this. Although I know there are times when silence between couples is inevitable but, she feels that I need to start taking much more control in the relationship.
For instance, like when she's depressed or relatively quiet she'd like me to liven up the mood rather than sulk together with her. I understand what she's trying to drive to me. I am a fairly cheery guy, I know I can crack her up mos of the time, but she tends to get very unpredictable and often I am just worried I might blurt out something cheesy or corny and the situation worsens. As a result she can get very moody (which sort of backfires my initial intents), and I fear I may have had a hand in producing that outcome.
Right now, she isn't picking my calls nor replying my messages. In the long run I don't think this will make things last. And I do love her very much. Just need someone to nudge me in the right direction in handling this. Just no trolls please. Thanks. -
Dear ArchEnemy,
From what I've read, I would gather that both of you, or at least your gf, are in your early twenties. She isn't mature enough to realise that these kinda expectations of you may strain a relationship, & may even ruin it.
The only thing you'll be able to do is to put across to her gently that this is just Not done. You don't do it to her, & unless she's prepared to be treated the same, she should also take care of YOUR feelings, Not have everything go her way all the time.
Relationships are about give & take, & this applies to each party's feelings too.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by ArchEnemy:Hi all,
I'm a working individual in my twenties. I have a problem.
Recently my relationship with my girl has taken quite a beating. We've been having sullen bouts of silence everytime we hang out. Obviously both of us aren't comfortable about this. Although I know there are times when silence between couples is inevitable but, she feels that I need to start taking much more control in the relationship.
For instance, like when she's depressed or relatively quiet she'd like me to liven up the mood rather than sulk together with her. I understand what she's trying to drive to me. I am a fairly cheery guy, I know I can crack her up mos of the time, but she tends to get very unpredictable and often I am just worried I might blurt out something cheesy or corny and the situation worsens. As a result she can get very moody (which sort of backfires my initial intents), and I fear I may have had a hand in producing that outcome.
Right now, she isn't picking my calls nor replying my messages. In the long run I don't think this will make things last. And I do love her very much. Just need someone to nudge me in the right direction in handling this. Just no trolls please. Thanks. -
It is never easy to understand what women want. Really.
Let us know more about these "sullen bouts of silence". Did you have any arguments or fights lately, or is she just going through a troubled period by herself? If it is the latter, have you tried to find out what was causing her depression? Is it her work, her family, her friends or more importantly, is it you?
Sometimes, when a girl tells you her problems, she may not be necessarily expecting you to solve them for her. Listening is definitely a must, though, but it helps to listen for any hidden meaning between her words. -
Well, much as there's women's instincts, if we love the guy enough, we can overcome them
Sometimes I get sullen & broody because of my own problems. But when my darling tries so hard to make me smile, I smile anyway so that I don't hurt his feelings. It's Not that hard to show appreciation for his efforts.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Tuatau:It is never easy to understand what women want. Really.
Let us know more about these "sullen bouts of silence". Did you have any arguments or fights lately, or is she just going through a troubled period by herself? If it is the latter, have you tried to find out what was causing her depression? Is it her work, her family, her friends or more importantly, is it you?
Sometimes, when a girl tells you her problems, she may not be necessarily expecting you to solve them for her. Listening is definitely a must, though, but it helps to listen for any hidden meaning between her words. -
She may be moody, or trying to sort out her thoughts as to what's bothering her, or does not know how to put things across to you. It may help for you to send her a nice card to share with her your concerns about wanting to comfort her but being afraid to say the wrong things and making her angry in the process. Assure her you'll always be there to listen to her and to do whatever she needs u to do.
After that, give her a call or meet up with her to really listen, and hope she will open up and tell you what's really bothering her. Bring a small bunch of her fave flowers too.
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Originally posted by FeowFeow:
Ah, that's because you are FeowFeow that you could understand your darling's intentions and show your appreciation. Unfortunately, no two women are the same and there can be only one FeowFeow.
Well, much as there's women's instincts, if we love the guy enough, we can overcome them
Sometimes I get sullen & broody because of my own problems. But when my darling tries so hard to make me smile, I smile anyway so that I don't hurt his feelings. It's Not that hard to show appreciation for his efforts.
FeowFeow
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Thanks peeps for the all the advice.
(Feow : Do I really sound that young??!! omigod.)
You guys have more or less echoed my recollections during this period. Albeit I am in the process of either acceptance that this will eventually lead to a dredgy standoff or things will always remain as it was.
To be honest, I am probably some one who never tries to solve problems for others; dishing out advice is one thing but always taken with a pinch of salt. choice is always yours.
Thus the problem (or rather the issue here) maybe I've been listening too much.
Sometimes I space out and nothing comes to mind, and I don't really wish to try to hard to please, more often than not, if you do, it tends to come out all wrong.
Or maybe like what you guys said, I don't feel appreciated for my past efforts and it failed to reciprocate my current stand. I understand being in a relationship you can't ask for too much and the juxtaposition of two individuals cannot and must not be justified by one. But it breaks down some where along the line. And that's just sad. Which is what I feel now. -
Erm, FYI, my best girl pal is similar leh Perhaps birds of a feather yadda yadda yadda may have some truth to it
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Tuatau:Ah, that's because you are FeowFeow that you could understand your darling's intentions and show your appreciation. Unfortunately, no two women are the same and there can be only one FeowFeow. -
Actually, it's your gf who sounds very young & erm, unsophisticated in terms of relationships (for lack of a better word, No offence intended). I said so because of the probability of a lady my age doing this kinda thing to their partners (alright, before you ask, I'm over 25, but still Not yet 30) is lower than the younger ones (GENERALLY speaking, so flamers will be attacked back since I have already qualified myself).
Anyway, perhaps you should speak to her about this matter, & let her know how this has been affecting you.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by ArchEnemy:Thanks peeps for the all the advice.
(Feow : Do I really sound that young??!! omigod.)
You guys have more or less echoed my recollections during this period. Albeit I am in the process of either acceptance that this will eventually lead to a dredgy standoff or things will always remain as it was.
To be honest, I am probably some one who never tries to solve problems for others; dishing out advice is one thing but always taken with a pinch of salt. choice is always yours.
Thus the problem (or rather the issue here) maybe I've been listening too much.
Sometimes I space out and nothing comes to mind, and I don't really wish to try to hard to please, more often than not, if you do, it tends to come out all wrong.
Or maybe like what you guys said, I don't feel appreciated for my past efforts and it failed to reciprocate my current stand. I understand being in a relationship you can't ask for too much and the juxtaposition of two individuals cannot and must not be justified by one. But it breaks down some where along the line. And that's just sad. Which is what I feel now. -
Originally posted by ArchEnemy:
Standoff or status quo? When you mentioned "things will always remain" as they were, are you referring to the current stalemate situation that you are both facing?
You guys have more or less echoed my recollections during this period. Albeit I am in the process of either acceptance that this will eventually lead to a dredgy standoff or things will always remain as it was.
Ok, you may not like giving advice, but your girlfriend probably thought that didn't mean you should remain helplessly silent after she has poured out her woes. Words of consolation could help sometimes. There are instances when silence could be misinterpreted as lack of concern, or of comprehension, or both. As your girlfriend, does she know that you are not one to offer advice or solace?
This could be just a simple case of misunderstanding, one in which both your intentions and her expectations have been misunderstood. Or it could hint at a more serious implication of incompatibility between two personalities. Whatever it is, perhaps you should try calling her up or out to clarify things?
Like you've said, we could give you all kinds of advice, but the choice is ultimately... yes, yours. -
Agreed.
When words of consolation fail, hugs & kisses are very WELCOME substitutes
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Tuatau:Standoff or status quo? When you mentioned "things will always remain" as they were, are you referring to the current stalemate situation that you are both facing?
Ok, you may not like giving advice, but your girlfriend probably thought that didn't mean you should remain helplessly silent after she has poured out her woes. Words of consolation could help sometimes. There are instances when silence could be misinterpreted as lack of concern, or of comprehension, or both. As your girlfriend, does she know that you are not one to offer advice or solace?
This could be just a simple case of misunderstanding, one in which both your intentions and her expectations have been misunderstood. Or it could hint at a more serious implication of incompatibility between two personalities. Whatever it is, perhaps you should try calling her up or out to clarify things?
Like you've said, we could give you all kinds of advice, but the choice is ultimately... yes, yours. -
Originally posted by FeowFeow:
Yes, "similar" is the key word. FeowFeow and her best girl pal are "similar", but still there is only one FeowFeow. Your darling would not even think of your best girl pal as you when you are not around, right?
Erm, FYI, my best girl pal is similar leh Perhaps birds of a feather yadda yadda yadda may have some truth to it
FeowFeow
Just for the sake of those who were, at one time, clamouring for clones of FeowFeow, perhaps you could let us know whether your best girl pal is still available? Ho ho...
Apologies to thread-starter for usurping his thread. -
ArchEnemy
Go back to the very basic stuff in a relationship.
If she likes flowers then buy some flowers and wait for her below her block.
Is the effort that counts..seems like your problem is the lack of effort and hack care thinking that displease her... -
Sorry hor, my best girl pal is getting married!
And she's also VERY in LOVE with her husband to be They have a different kinda relationship from what I have with my darling, but they're still very happy. She's practically glowing right now!
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Tuatau:Yes, "similar" is the key word. FeowFeow and her best girl pal are "similar", but still there is only one FeowFeow. Your darling would not even think of your best girl pal as you when you are not around, right?
Just for the sake of those who were, at one time, clamouring for clones of FeowFeow, perhaps you could let us know whether your best girl pal is still available? Ho ho...
Apologies to thread-starter for usurping his thread. -
I like this sentence. Yes, I fully agree.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by zeny:ArchEnemy
Go back to the very basic stuff in a relationship. [FeowFeow stamps seal of approval]
If she likes flowers then buy some flowers and wait for her below her block.
Is the effort that counts..seems like your problem is the lack of effort and hack care thinking that displease her... -
How old are the both of you and what are your horoscopes?Originally posted by ArchEnemy:Thanks peeps for the all the advice.
(Feow : Do I really sound that young??!! omigod.)
You guys have more or less echoed my recollections during this period. Albeit I am in the process of either acceptance that this will eventually lead to a dredgy standoff or things will always remain as it was.
To be honest, I am probably some one who never tries to solve problems for others; dishing out advice is one thing but always taken with a pinch of salt. choice is always yours.
Thus the problem (or rather the issue here) maybe I've been listening too much.
Sometimes I space out and nothing comes to mind, and I don't really wish to try to hard to please, more often than not, if you do, it tends to come out all wrong.
Or maybe like what you guys said, I don't feel appreciated for my past efforts and it failed to reciprocate my current stand. I understand being in a relationship you can't ask for too much and the juxtaposition of two individuals cannot and must not be justified by one. But it breaks down some where along the line. And that's just sad. Which is what I feel now.
I understand how 'jerky' you can feel when your efforts are not appreciated or even return with 'unkindness'...
But 1st thing I would like REMIND YOU of... Of the REASON WHY you POSTED this THREAD? Of WHY it CONCERNS YOU.... BOTHERS YOU...
Like you've said it, YOU REALLY LOVE HER. REMEMBER THAT.
If you can't solve problems for her, then don't attempt to...
If she's down, BRING her to PLACES where people are ENJOYING.. HAPPY and CHEER. EASIER to WORK YOUR WAY THERE...