To Marry or To Break?
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Dear everyone,
My best friend, C has a problem which I am at lost to advice her.
I hope you guys can shower me with your opinions and advices.
I've known C for 7 years and all along, C has been a prim and proper girl.
C is at a marriagable age and has a serious boyfriend, D for about 3 years now. D is her first boyfriend and she treasures him alot. They got along well at first but their relationship starts to strain when D's family comes into the picture.
There were times when C stayed overnight at D's place after helping in his business. (C has her own full-time job as well) After sometime, D's eldest sister (in her 30s and has given birth) found out and confronted the parents.
She started to question the parents on why she and her husband can't stay in the house whereas C can stay? (She is living at her husband's place now)
The younger sister (whois not married yet and still staying in the house) was also not happy and started to hurl abusive and dirty words (cheap maid, bitch, slut, etc...) on C whenever she stayed overnight at the house. The sister started to accuse C of coveting the money or family inheritance, so to say. Because of this, D had a fight with his sister. C wanted to leave but D insisted her to stay.
D's parents dont stay in the house (in other words, they stayed elsewhere and only D and his sister stay in the current house <-- I know its confusing). Then, D's mum gave a lecture to C but his dad said nothing. After a couple of months, D's parents silently approved of C staying overnight at the house. However, the younger sister is still making noise.
Above is the summarised story.
We know that every marriage will involve both families and because of D's family conflicts, C tells me she sees the future as bleak. She is starting to contemplate whether if she should marry D. I suggested to her not to stay with D's parents after marriage BUT she can't hide from D's family forever as there will be at least one dinner every week. In addition, D will make it a point to go to his parent's place on a frequent basis and fix anything (from computers to electrical bulbs) that is spoilt. What i remembered is D told C that she contributed to the house much more than his sisters and so, he feels she deserved to stay. The obvious reason why the sisters can stay in the house without contribution is because they are the daughters, right?
She finds D's family dinners are dragging her life and both the sisters are too artificial infront of the parents. So in my opinion, the siblings are fighting for the parent's inheritance so perhaps, the sisters see C as their competitor (as well as their brother, D) It sounds stressful to me.
Putting the family issue aside. Before this incident happened, whenever C was helping D, D would often criticise/scold her and sometimes, infront of his siblings. She was unhappy about it and they would quarrel. She told me she understand how stressed up D is to cope in such a family and that, she couldnt perform up to his standards. Many times this year, she mentioned breakup to D but D refused to let her go.
Well, I have been wondering. Why is my friend, C still sticking with D? Knowing her for 7 years, I know its not because she is after the money. (No doubt many married couples separated due to financial issues.) They got together in overseas for about 2 years and during those times, he was okay and easier to get along with. They were happy together. But ever since they came back to Singapore, things just changed. She feels bitter towards his family and resentful towards D (because she claimed he kept criticising her). But I think she sticks to him is because she is holding on to the 2 years of good memories, thats why she overlooked the present situation and stayed with D.
Perhaps, D wasn't that bad afterall. He is filial, responsible, hardworking. Those type who makes a good family man but a lousy lover. (Sorry)
D wants to marry C but C is hesitant.
Yesterday, she asked whether should she marry or breakup?
How should I advice? Thanks.
Cheers!
"Spare the rod, spoil the child." -
do you have the pic of C and D's sister pic?
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Hmm... not possible for me to have.Originally posted by Angelo09:do you have the pic of C and D's sister pic?
Their pictures for my friend to throw dart at? Haha... I only heard eldest sis is 31 and younger is sis is 27. If i am not wrong, the younger sis opens a pet grooming shop in Yishun... but never seen them before. Only saw the couple. -
pet grooming shop in yishun.. hmmm... which part of yishun.. i am ard here..
ok jokes aside.. imho, unless D wants to break all contact with his siblings, if not D and C will be constantly quarrelling due to C complaining abt his siblings..
or what i will suggest to D and C is : get their own house asap, be it that D's parents paying or not ( of cos siblings not happy, but parents want pay they got no choice what ), as for the inheritance, make D's parents draft up a will to stop the siblings yacking.. of cos if the parents stated in the will saying D and C will get more, they will make noise.. but since it's already stated in the will, they got no choice but to follow, so when D and C are living in their own house, they can dun nid to hear those stupid comments of D's siblings.. for those dinners, as long as the parents are ard, D and C are fine.. so make it a pt that when D's parents are leaving the house after dinner, leave with them or shortly after.. in other words, DO NOT : get too close and always with the siblings and/or when they have requests, do not bow to them, just make them shut up by not bother about them..
problem is solve by having lesss contact and interaction with the siblings.. just rmb to bring D's parents out for dinners alone without the siblings.. tell the parents be4 hand about the situation will be the best!
as for D scolding C, i think it's due to stress by work/family all this.. just tell C that believe in her bf, guys has a bigger ego/pride.. D makes a bad lover, i think C knows that too.. just highlight it to her and she will understand him even better liao.. ( i think i am 1 of them too.. 
)
ok, just my 2cents.. PEACE!
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wah.. now think of it, they not really animals lovers lor.. behave lidat.. all for money liao.. muz be some ah lianz..Originally posted by dunamis:Hmm... not possible for me to have. Their pictures for my friend to throw dart at? Haha... I only heard eldest sis is 31 and younger is sis is 27. If i am not wrong, the younger sis opens a pet grooming shop in Yishun... but never seen them before. Only saw the couple. -
A. The lover
D couldn't be that lousy a lover if C was able to spend 2 happy years with him when they were both studying overseas. D only appeared to change because now he is back with his family and he does not want to be seen as hen-pecked, hence his apparently male-chauvinistic criticisms of C in front of his family.
B. The family
It is evident C can't live with D's family. It is also obvious D's family does not want C to live with D in the family house should they marry. Hence to avoid future conflicts which may lead to nasty legal tussles, C and D should consider, as suggested by another poster, getting their own home after marriage.
One wouldn't know how to advise C, given one doesn't know what C's character is like. However, these are a couple of questions that could be asked of C, regardless of her character and the situation, and the answers should shed some light on her priorities and the next steps she should probably take:
1. Given her opinion of D as a lousy lover, does C still love D now?
2. Given her opinion of D as a good family man, does C want to marry D?
If you really wish to give some practical advice, perhaps you could advise C not to harbour any wishful thoughts of D putting her above his family. No matter how deep his love for her could be, given his actions (as described by you) even before marriage, it seems highly unlikely she would ever be in any position superior to his family after marriage.
Based on personal experience, there is probably more to say. But one shall stop here for now. -
CDCDCD *blur*
1. D should make C's stay in his house more pleasant by improving the situation with his younger sister; name calling is really bad and he as a man should come to his girl's defense. If he is not able to do so, then either C goes home to stay, or they both move out. D should be responsible for her comfort in his house.
2. C's responsibility as a girlfriend should be limited to weekly family dinners. She doesn't have to go there for every little thing and put up with more. By staying there and taking the abuse thrown at her, C is showing that she is weak. If D wants to return more often, let him go alone.
3. C has to grow thicker skin and not allow the older sister affect her too much. After all the older sister has little contact with her.
4. D should confront his family members about their treatment of C once and for all. They do not have to love her but they should be civil towards her.
5. D must be prepared that by continuing this relationship, he will likely have future problems regarding inheritence as well as marriage. He has to accept it now without resentment.
6. Before anyone even considers marriage, both parties must work to improve the relationship . C must be open about how she feels about the way D treats her. Hard to know who's in the wrong, perhaps C herself has changed, thus leading to D being more short-tempered and critical. But their relationship has to be alot stronger and cohesive to face marriage & D's family. -
humm how to start? let me go straight to the point C should leave D.Originally posted by dunamis:Dear everyone,
My best friend, C has a problem which I am at lost to advice her.
I hope you guys can shower me with your opinions and advices.
I've known C for 7 years and all along, C has been a prim and proper girl.
C is at a marriagable age and has a serious boyfriend, D for about 3 years now. D is her first boyfriend and she treasures him alot. They got along well at first but their relationship starts to strain when D's family comes into the picture.
There were times when C stayed overnight at D's place after helping in his business. (C has her own full-time job as well) After sometime, D's eldest sister (in her 30s and has given birth) found out and confronted the parents.
She started to question the parents on why she and her husband can't stay in the house whereas C can stay? (She is living at her husband's place now)
The younger sister (whois not married yet and still staying in the house) was also not happy and started to hurl abusive and dirty words (cheap maid, bitch, slut, etc...) on C whenever she stayed overnight at the house. The sister started to accuse C of coveting the money or family inheritance, so to say. Because of this, D had a fight with his sister. C wanted to leave but D insisted her to stay.
D's parents dont stay in the house (in other words, they stayed elsewhere and only D and his sister stay in the current house <-- I know its confusing). Then, D's mum gave a lecture to C but his dad said nothing. After a couple of months, D's parents silently approved of C staying overnight at the house. However, the younger sister is still making noise.
Above is the summarised story.
We know that every marriage will involve both families and because of D's family conflicts, C tells me she sees the future as bleak. She is starting to contemplate whether if she should marry D. I suggested to her not to stay with D's parents after marriage BUT she can't hide from D's family forever as there will be at least one dinner every week. In addition, D will make it a point to go to his parent's place on a frequent basis and fix anything (from computers to electrical bulbs) that is spoilt. What i remembered is D told C that she contributed to the house much more than his sisters and so, he feels she deserved to stay. The obvious reason why the sisters can stay in the house without contribution is because they are the daughters, right?
She finds D's family dinners are dragging her life and both the sisters are too artificial infront of the parents. So in my opinion, the siblings are fighting for the parent's inheritance so perhaps, the sisters see C as their competitor (as well as their brother, D) It sounds stressful to me.
Putting the family issue aside. Before this incident happened, whenever C was helping D, D would often criticise/scold her and sometimes, infront of his siblings. She was unhappy about it and they would quarrel. She told me she understand how stressed up D is to cope in such a family and that, she couldnt perform up to his standards. Many times this year, she mentioned breakup to D but D refused to let her go.
Well, I have been wondering. Why is my friend, C still sticking with D? Knowing her for 7 years, I know its not because she is after the money. (No doubt many married couples separated due to financial issues.) They got together in overseas for about 2 years and during those times, he was okay and easier to get along with. They were happy together. But ever since they came back to Singapore, things just changed. She feels bitter towards his family and resentful towards D (because she claimed he kept criticising her). But I think she sticks to him is because she is holding on to the 2 years of good memories, thats why she overlooked the present situation and stayed with D.
Perhaps, D wasn't that bad afterall. He is filial, responsible, hardworking. Those type who makes a good family man but a lousy lover. (Sorry)
D wants to marry C but C is hesitant.
Yesterday, she asked whether should she marry or breakup?
How should I advice? Thanks.
Cheers!
"Spare the rod, spoil the child."
Why? lets see.
1) D should be coming from a rich family and rich family would kill one an another for me. I have seen so much backstabbing till I am sick of it. Tell C if she is willing to handle this of backstabbing for years to come then by all means go in and suffer.
2) If I notice carefully you have said that C and D meet overseas right? So am I right to assume that they meet and fall in love without D family pressure? No wonder they are so happy lar becos they got nothing to worry about. The so called honeymoon period has ended and the hash real life has just begin.
3) "D wasn't that bad afterall. He is filial, responsible, hardworking. Those type who makes a good family man but a lousy lover. (Sorry)
D wants to marry C but C is hesitant."
Haha sorry I just cannot stop laughing at the above statement becos I have seen too many this type of guys. D filial, responsible ? haha only to his own family lar. C was never his family yet and she is expected to help him in his business while holding on her job at the same time. So is D using her for his own means? Sadly.. I really believe that if one day C is sick or fallen ill D will run asap.
What makes a real good family man ? A guy who is willing to work hard for his wife and not let her suffer. C is not even his wife yet and D is already criticise/scold her and sometimes, infront of his siblings. This proof to us that D is not a good husband and is making use of her only.
4) Why is C so unwilling to married D ? She knows deep her heart that she loves D but she is sensible enough to detect that she could not live with D. To love someone is very easy but to stay with someone family takes understanding from both sides.
I have say my piece is up to you to see through D.
Honestly I do not like D at all. From all the actions D only shows that he had never ever care for C at all. If I were C, I will be the first one to run away asap. How can C marry D whom scold her in front of his sidlings? It only shows how disrespectfull D is to her?
If C really wants to marry D. I got a advice for you.
1) C should insit that D buy a house for only C and D. The house must be put under C and D name only. If D refuse to comply then advice C not to marry him. Remember to make sure that D get the keys to the new house before going to ROM. Some guys like to bluff gals saying that they will do it in the end just cheats on them. This method is to ensure min conflict with D family -
C should understand that no matter who she choose to be with in the future, there's always this high chance that she might just don't get along well with someone (at least one) from the other side of the family... So D's parents can accept her and his sisters not.. What gives..?Originally posted by dunamis:Dear everyone,
My best friend, C has a problem which I am at lost to advice her.
I hope you guys can shower me with your opinions and advices.
I've known C for 7 years and all along, C has been a prim and proper girl.
C is at a marriagable age and has a serious boyfriend, D for about 3 years now. D is her first boyfriend and she treasures him alot. They got along well at first but their relationship starts to strain when D's family comes into the picture.
There were times when C stayed overnight at D's place after helping in his business. (C has her own full-time job as well) After sometime, D's eldest sister (in her 30s and has given birth) found out and confronted the parents.
She started to question the parents on why she and her husband can't stay in the house whereas C can stay? (She is living at her husband's place now)
The younger sister (whois not married yet and still staying in the house) was also not happy and started to hurl abusive and dirty words (cheap maid, bitch, slut, etc...) on C whenever she stayed overnight at the house. The sister started to accuse C of coveting the money or family inheritance, so to say. Because of this, D had a fight with his sister. C wanted to leave but D insisted her to stay.
D's parents dont stay in the house (in other words, they stayed elsewhere and only D and his sister stay in the current house <-- I know its confusing). Then, D's mum gave a lecture to C but his dad said nothing. After a couple of months, D's parents silently approved of C staying overnight at the house. However, the younger sister is still making noise.
Above is the summarised story.
We know that every marriage will involve both families and because of D's family conflicts, C tells me she sees the future as bleak. She is starting to contemplate whether if she should marry D. I suggested to her not to stay with D's parents after marriage BUT she can't hide from D's family forever as there will be at least one dinner every week. In addition, D will make it a point to go to his parent's place on a frequent basis and fix anything (from computers to electrical bulbs) that is spoilt. What i remembered is D told C that she contributed to the house much more than his sisters and so, he feels she deserved to stay. The obvious reason why the sisters can stay in the house without contribution is because they are the daughters, right?
She finds D's family dinners are dragging her life and both the sisters are too artificial infront of the parents. So in my opinion, the siblings are fighting for the parent's inheritance so perhaps, the sisters see C as their competitor (as well as their brother, D) It sounds stressful to me.
Putting the family issue aside. Before this incident happened, whenever C was helping D, D would often criticise/scold her and sometimes, infront of his siblings. She was unhappy about it and they would quarrel. She told me she understand how stressed up D is to cope in such a family and that, she couldnt perform up to his standards. Many times this year, she mentioned breakup to D but D refused to let her go.
Well, I have been wondering. Why is my friend, C still sticking with D? Knowing her for 7 years, I know its not because she is after the money. (No doubt many married couples separated due to financial issues.) They got together in overseas for about 2 years and during those times, he was okay and easier to get along with. They were happy together. But ever since they came back to Singapore, things just changed. She feels bitter towards his family and resentful towards D (because she claimed he kept criticising her). But I think she sticks to him is because she is holding on to the 2 years of good memories, thats why she overlooked the present situation and stayed with D.
Perhaps, D wasn't that bad afterall. He is filial, responsible, hardworking. Those type who makes a good family man but a lousy lover. (Sorry)
D wants to marry C but C is hesitant.
Yesterday, she asked whether should she marry or breakup?
How should I advice? Thanks.
Cheers!
"Spare the rod, spoil the child."
Personally, I think there might be more of a 'problem' if C and D comes from a different background... ie. Financial and 'political'...?
And for the MORE SERIOUS thing... If 'C' already sees so much trouble (even between her and 'D'), what makes her a good reason to think about marriage
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Originally posted by HolySniper:
pet grooming shop in yishun.. hmmm... which part of yishun.. i am ard here..
Haha... me not yishun kid. I heard its some happy pets shop.
ok jokes aside.. imho, unless D wants to break all contact with his siblings, if not D and C will be constantly quarrelling due to C complaining abt his siblings..
They often quarrel about his siblings. Heard that D had a big fight with the younger sister and they are no longer in talking terms.
as for the inheritance, make D's parents draft up a will to stop the siblings yacking..
Noone knows if the dad has drafted a will or not. His dad secretive type.
of cos if the parents stated in the will saying D and C will get more, they will make noise.. but since it's already stated in the will, they got no choice but to follow,
I think a law suit will follow. They sound agressive and demanding to me. I feel both sisters are jealous of their brother, D because I heard of a few instances when D suggested a car to the father and the father bought it. (I talked to D before and he is indeed well-versed in cars but he is not a car salesman) Then, the sisters made noise.
problem is solve by having lesss contact and interaction with the siblings.. just rmb to bring D's parents out for dinners alone without the siblings.. tell the parents be4 hand about the situation will be the best!
Good idea. Will tell C. Don't know if the parents mind or not. -
Originally posted by Tuatau:
Dear Tuatau
A. The lover
D couldn't be that lousy a lover if C was able to spend 2 happy years with him when they were both studying overseas. D only appeared to change because now he is back with his family and he does not want to be seen as hen-pecked, hence his apparently male-chauvinistic criticisms of C in front of his family.
Perhaps, that was why D is more critical towards my friend now. Must pat his ego then...
B. The family
It is evident C can't live with D's family. It is also obvious D's family does not want C to live with D in the family house should they marry. Hence to avoid future conflicts which may lead to nasty legal tussles, C and D should consider, as suggested by another poster, getting their own home after marriage.
It is certain that D's sisters do not want C to have any part in the house. Even though in chinese custom, the lady should marry into the man's house but for my friend's case, I think that is not possible.
I remembered now that C told me that when the eldest sis wanted the husband to live in the house but the father scolded the husband. In the end, the sister live in the husband's house. Maybe the father is those traditional type and thinks the husband is trying to eat 'soft rice'. Then, maybe the sister is jealous of C cos the father kept quiet even though he knows C stays overnight at the house at times. To me, it's like "If I cannot have something, others cannot have it too."
1. Given her opinion of D as a lousy lover, does C still love D now?
C told me she still love D. She misses him just as before.
Maybe D is her first boyfriend so hard to let go...
2. Given her opinion of D as a good family man, does C want to marry D?
Because C thinks that D is a good family man, (or a good father who can teach the kids), D becomes the potential father to her future kids. However, I can say that my friend here is too affected by the current situation which made her relectant to marry D.
If you really wish to give some practical advice, perhaps you could advise C not to harbour any wishful thoughts of D putting her above his family. No matter how deep his love for her could be, given his actions (as described by you) even before marriage, it seems highly unlikely she would ever be in any position superior to his family after marriage.
I agree with you. I dont think D will place C higher priority than his own parents. Heard D had a fight with the sister and they are no longer in talking terms so I don't think the sisters will be in D's priority list. -
Originally posted by dunamis:
Before there is any misunderstanding, maybe I should clarify that I don't expect D to place C above his own parents. My point is this, actually:
I agree with you. I dont think D will place C higher priority than his own parents. Heard D had a fight with the sister and they are no longer in talking terms so I don't think the sisters will be in D's priority list.
It is rather disturbing to learn that D criticized C point-blank in front of his family members who already did not see C eye-to-eye. Here we have a man who seeks to redeem his ego in front of others at the expense of his partner's dignity. Even before she is part of the family, if D could not give C the due respect she deserves in front of his family, how could he ever expect them to give C the respect too after she marries into the family?
A wife should be of equal priority, sometimes higher but never lower, as the family. From D's behaviour before marriage, it seems likely that C could end up as the sacrificial lamb in any such future conflict after marriage. So if C loves D and wants to start a family with him, this is something that she has to mentally prepare herself for the rest of her life. -
Originally posted by choco B:
CDCDCD *blur*
Dear chocoB
1. D should make C's stay in his house more pleasant by improving the situation with his younger sister; name calling is really bad and he as a man should come to his girl's defense. If he is not able to do so, then either C goes home to stay, or they both move out. D should be responsible for her comfort in his house.
C claimed that because of that, D had a fight with the younger sister and they are no longer in talking terms now. Heard that D shifted my friend to stay over at another house occasionally so that she can travel lesser distance to her workplace the next morning. The parents found out but didn't say anything. The sisters didn't know so it is peaceful at the moment.
So, is D really loves C or is it for other purposes? Sometimes, the 3rd party can analyse better than those involved because we are outside the picture.
2. C's responsibility as a girlfriend should be limited to weekly family dinners. She doesn't have to go there for every little thing and put up with more. By staying there and taking the abuse thrown at her, C is showing that she is weak. If D wants to return more often, let him go alone.
C once told me she couldn't attack the younger sister because that was her home too. C's mum taught her not to fight with the sister at her home because it will make matter worse. Don't know if that's good.
It was funny when C told me D taught her to use reverse psychology on the younger sister. There was once the younger sister scolded her "female dog" again, C is taught to take it lightly and laughed it off, because D feels that the sister wanted C to be angry. I don't know how effective is that method.
But I can see my poor friend is still suffering. She is not as cheerful as before.
4. D should confront his family members about their treatment of C once and for all. They do not have to love her but they should be civil towards her.
Don't think that will work for the sisters cos they are still prejudice against her but D told C that his mum treats her better after the incident. The mum once told D that she regretted giving C a lecture while C has second thoughts.
6. Before anyone even considers marriage, both parties must work to improve the relationship . C must be open about how she feels about the way D treats her. Hard to know who's in the wrong, perhaps C herself has changed, thus leading to D being more short-tempered and critical. But their relationship has to be alot stronger and cohesive to face marriage & D's family.
Being a close friend to C, I feel she has changed. She used to be mild tempered but now, her temper is worse than mine. I only know she used to quarrel with D over his family matters. She would throw tantrums and refused to go have dinner with his parents.
I can say I know her stories inside out because she has been repeating and repeating to me for months now. I really feel sorry for my friend. I think because this is her first relationship and she is lost on how to handle it, whereas for me, I have not encounter such family issues with my bf yet, so I didn't know how to advise her to tackle the problems. -
I couldn't agree more with you.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by choco B:CDCDCD *blur*
1. D should make C's stay in his house more pleasant by improving the situation with his younger sister; name calling is really bad and he as a man should come to his girl's defense. If he is not able to do so, then either C goes home to stay, or they both move out. D should be responsible for her comfort in his house.
2. C's responsibility as a girlfriend should be limited to weekly family dinners. She doesn't have to go there for every little thing and put up with more. By staying there and taking the abuse thrown at her, C is showing that she is weak. If D wants to return more often, let him go alone.
3. C has to grow thicker skin and not allow the older sister affect her too much. After all the older sister has little contact with her.
4. D should confront his family members about their treatment of C once and for all. They do not have to love her but they should be civil towards her.
5. D must be prepared that by continuing this relationship, he will likely have future problems regarding inheritence as well as marriage. He has to accept it now without resentment.
6. Before anyone even considers marriage, both parties must work to improve the relationship . C must be open about how she feels about the way D treats her. Hard to know who's in the wrong, perhaps C herself has changed, thus leading to D being more short-tempered and critical. But their relationship has to be alot stronger and cohesive to face marriage & D's family. -
Originally posted by zeny:
humm how to start? let me go straight to the point C should leave D.
Why? lets see.
Dear Zeny,
1) D should be coming from a rich family and rich family would kill one an another for me. I have seen so much backstabbing till I am sick of it. Tell C if she is willing to handle this of backstabbing for years to come then by all means go in and suffer.
Too many children fighting over inheritance? My friend is the innocent party. All along, I told her that if she wants to stay on, she has to close 1 eye, that is, ignore them & just take that they are childish. If they attack her, don't say too much, ask D to come to her defense. Is it wrong? I think I taught her to be a weakling.
2) If I notice carefully you have said that C and D meet overseas right? So am I right to assume that they meet and fall in love without D family pressure? No wonder they are so happy lar becos they got nothing to worry about. The so called honeymoon period has ended and the hash real life has just begin.
Feels sad for her...
3) What makes a real good family man ? A guy who is willing to work hard for his wife and not let her suffer. C is not even his wife yet and D is already criticise/scold her and sometimes, infront of his siblings. This proof to us that D is not a good husband and is making use of her only.
I really wonder also, if D really love my friend. I also see D as disrespectful towards C. If there is no respect between a couple, how is the relationship going to sustain? Not his wife, already bad. Wonder if she becomes his wife... C suffers, I will suffer as well.
4) Why is C so unwilling to married D ? She knows deep her heart that she loves D but she is sensible enough to detect that she could not live with D. To love someone is very easy but to stay with someone family takes understanding from both sides.
They stayed together (co-habit) in overseas before and C claimed that D is fine. So, she presumes that D will be fine too if they get married and stay alone, on their own. What do you think?
(maybe she is not thinking straight anymore...)
I wonder if D changes his critical attitude & treats C nicer...should C marry him? -
Originally posted by dunamis:Dear everyone,
My best friend, C has a problem which I am at lost to advice her.
I hope you guys can shower me with your opinions and advices.
I've known C for 7 years and all along, C has been a prim and proper girl.
C is at a marriagable age and has a serious boyfriend, D for about 3 years now. D is her first boyfriend and she treasures him alot. They got along well at first but their relationship starts to strain when D's family comes into the picture.
There were times when C stayed overnight at D's place after helping in his business. (C has her own full-time job as well) After sometime, D's eldest sister (in her 30s and has given birth) found out and confronted the parents.
She started to question the parents on why she and her husband can't stay in the house whereas C can stay? (She is living at her husband's place now)
The younger sister (whois not married yet and still staying in the house) was also not happy and started to hurl abusive and dirty words (cheap maid, bitch, slut, etc...) on C whenever she stayed overnight at the house. The sister started to accuse C of coveting the money or family inheritance, so to say. Because of this, D had a fight with his sister. C wanted to leave but D insisted her to stay.
D's parents dont stay in the house (in other words, they stayed elsewhere and only D and his sister stay in the current house <-- I know its confusing). Then, D's mum gave a lecture to C but his dad said nothing. After a couple of months, D's parents silently approved of C staying overnight at the house. However, the younger sister is still making noise.
Above is the summarised story.
We know that every marriage will involve both families and because of D's family conflicts, C tells me she sees the future as bleak. She is starting to contemplate whether if she should marry D. I suggested to her not to stay with D's parents after marriage BUT she can't hide from D's family forever as there will be at least one dinner every week. In addition, D will make it a point to go to his parent's place on a frequent basis and fix anything (from computers to electrical bulbs) that is spoilt. What i remembered is D told C that she contributed to the house much more than his sisters and so, he feels she deserved to stay. The obvious reason why the sisters can stay in the house without contribution is because they are the daughters, right?
She finds D's family dinners are dragging her life and both the sisters are too artificial infront of the parents. So in my opinion, the siblings are fighting for the parent's inheritance so perhaps, the sisters see C as their competitor (as well as their brother, D) It sounds stressful to me.
Putting the family issue aside. Before this incident happened, whenever C was helping D, D would often criticise/scold her and sometimes, infront of his siblings. She was unhappy about it and they would quarrel. She told me she understand how stressed up D is to cope in such a family and that, she couldnt perform up to his standards. Many times this year, she mentioned breakup to D but D refused to let her go.
Well, I have been wondering. Why is my friend, C still sticking with D? Knowing her for 7 years, I know its not because she is after the money. (No doubt many married couples separated due to financial issues.) They got together in overseas for about 2 years and during those times, he was okay and easier to get along with. They were happy together. But ever since they came back to Singapore, things just changed. She feels bitter towards his family and resentful towards D (because she claimed he kept criticising her). But I think she sticks to him is because she is holding on to the 2 years of good memories, thats why she overlooked the present situation and stayed with D.
Perhaps, D wasn't that bad afterall. He is filial, responsible, hardworking. Those type who makes a good family man but a lousy lover. (Sorry)
D wants to marry C but C is hesitant.
Yesterday, she asked whether should she marry or breakup?
How should I advice? Thanks.
Cheers!
"Spare the rod, spoil the child."
You got to realise that the crux of this problem lies mainly on the family itself, which will become her in-laws if she is married to him. Her hesitation is based on the bleak outlook of handling her in-laws and the little differences regarding personal attitude and behaviour.
And she can't fully blame the man IF communication wasn't made to address the issue of putting her down in front of his family members. Common sense hardly exist in Love; everything must be communicated and discussed. Steps must be taken to improve mutual understanding and empathy, beyond that of a business partner. Always take WORK out of LOVE... it's foolish to congregrate them, as conflicts will likely be boundless.
Chances are, the man don't really know what she is feeling emotionally and the extend of her stress she is facing. He may have thought that he was just being 'normal', when in fact, it is not the case.
She is probably confused... so confused in fact, not exactly because of the glorious moments they had spend together overseas, more likely, it is because it is her first love.
She have much doubts and questions planting all over her mind. She is not emotionally ready - so it is a bad timing for marriage to take place. Until this stress is removed, effort must be placed in working for a more 'breathable solutions' than the notion of marriage.
Cheers -
marriage is not only about combining 2 people, its more about combining 2 families...
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she is still with D probably cos old time sake and definitely still has love for him... but sometimes u just cannot depend on the past... its better that she highlight how she feel to him and if things go for the better, its better to leave...