Need some help~
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It goes like this. This girl i'm dating now was my ex. We dated way back in 2002 but at that point in time it was just like wrong place wrong time thus we broke off. We both moved on and dated other people and only recently, we got together again.
this time thou we are better prepared to handle relationships, we are still facing problems. When we got back together, we learnt tat in 07 both of us are going overseas to study. she takes it as tat we are gonna breake up then cause she thinks that its not possible to maintain a long distance relationship. i've told her tat we should not think so far as we still have more than a year and god knows what will happen in future.
also, her mum is giving her alot of pressure too. her mum feels tat her ex bf is e perfect guy for her and often nags at her for breaking up. thus she is dragging along alot of baggage from her past. i want to share e burden with her but she says its not fair to me. aint couples supposed to share their problems? there isnt anything such as fair or not fair..
we both love each other alot but every now and then she gets this panic attacks tat her "logical" side tells her that its better to break up now. she runs away from her problems and tries to hide. how can i tell her tat i'm with her no matter what. and a couple should face problems together and not alone cause she aint alone. -
communication and determination can solve all problems
tell her what you feel, and get her to share her feelings about it with you too. slowly get her to open up and share her burdens with you. 1 step at a time. remove her mentality of 'unfair' slowly.. -
first, i think both of you shld be quite young right? Are both of you going to the same country to study?
Anyway, if she really insists on breaking, i think you shld give her some breathing space first, and takes things slower. Of cse not totally give her up, but not to rush her, if you know what i mean. Stop pressuring her, and give her more problems besides her family and whatever.
If you can, take this 2006 to build up a strong foundations, so that she will realise distant might not be a problem. But if she really wans to break, then i think you shld look for other trees. Loving a person, can be making he/she happy in whatever he/she does.
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it's only 06... wat makes u so sure you know what will happen in 07?
ur education is more impt... drink more eno. -
Que Sera Sera, whatever will be will be..
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i feel that u should concentrate on the present` haha in relationship u dun have to think very far ahead, wat is impt is that u have one another.
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Originally posted by junich:It goes like this. This girl i'm dating now was my ex. We dated way back in 2002 but at that point in time it was just like wrong place wrong time thus we broke off. We both moved on and dated other people and only recently, we got together again.
this time thou we are better prepared to handle relationships, we are still facing problems. When we got back together, we learnt tat in 07 both of us are going overseas to study. she takes it as tat we are gonna breake up then cause she thinks that its not possible to maintain a long distance relationship. i've told her tat we should not think so far as we still have more than a year and god knows what will happen in future.
also, her mum is giving her alot of pressure too. her mum feels tat her ex bf is e perfect guy for her and often nags at her for breaking up. thus she is dragging along alot of baggage from her past. i want to share e burden with her but she says its not fair to me. aint couples supposed to share their problems? there isnt anything such as fair or not fair..
we both love each other alot but every now and then she gets this panic attacks tat her "logical" side tells her that its better to break up now. she runs away from her problems and tries to hide. how can i tell her tat i'm with her no matter what. and a couple should face problems together and not alone cause she aint alone.
It is not attack from her 'logical' side - it is her defensive mechanism being triggered.
She fear that if she invest too much into the relationship, knowing that a LDR hurdle is a huge challenge to surmount, she might be wounded emotionally, if she is unable to recover her 'loses'.
This is the reason why she wants to run away. The theory of 'Chang tong bu ru duan tong' comes in.
And of course, her mum is not being helpful at all.
It is not a relationship problem, more than it is a personal problem.
You got to talk to her, to ease her deep seated fear or you will never be able to achieve beyond a certain level in your love.
You cannot be emotionally intimate if you have fear inside of you.
Remove it through the power of communication.
Cheers -
i dunno what tomorrow will bring. i really dunno how to assure her.. i can only keep telling her tat i never give up... but to her its just hard. she seems to be unable to step out of tat mind set. wat else can i give her??
and yep we are both very young
21 only.. -
What i forsee is that, at this point of time.Originally posted by junich:i dunno what tomorrow will bring. i really dunno how to assure her.. i can only keep telling her tat i never give up... but to her its just hard. she seems to be unable to step out of tat mind set. wat else can i give her??
and yep we are both very young
21 only..
It is really a disadvantage, by what you've posted. It may not be easy to tune her mindset.
It requires alot of effort to convince - Assurance - Consistency.
Count the cost before you truly move into it. What you may be fighting for might gain victory, however it may lose as quickly as it's won. You winning glory will not last long.
Would you want to take this battle if i were to tell you that there is a battle in near future which you can surely win and enjoy the victory?
Possession that is lost, doesn't feel good at all.
Just for you : If you think winning this round even though it might slip off your hands in due time means alot to you and you're willing to go ahead. Then i encourage to do what you think is right.
....i'll fill you in if you have other thoughts.
Think through it.
Cheers -
i no longer know what is right anymore... is there a right in the first place? Seems to be doing the right thing would be e biggest mistake of my life. Since its so at present y bother about the future. she is worrying about an unknown.. no matter how much she thinks about it its still an unknow.. it irritates me.. why would i let a girl that i love soooo much go just because of a reason, an unknown? doesnt make sense does it?
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Regardless, u may have to let her go. If u believe in fate, set ur doubts aside and hope to meet her again in the future... hopefully when ur both ready for each other
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tats simple...
if she is avoiding the relationship for fear of being hurt again...
ask her out for a drink or something...then tell her in the face...not the stern look of course...sincerely look into her eyes...soft approach...soft tone...hold her eyes if necessary...or hug her if u can...tell her softly in her ears (if u can hug her) if u hold her hands...facing each other...then while holding her hands...lean forward to her...hold her hands firmly when u say it (as per written below) ...
"trust me, i will not let u shed a tear again with u by my side or will i hurt u in anyway...have faith in me and urself..."
look into her eyes...It's a Must to convey ur sincerity...Originally posted by junich:i dunno what tomorrow will bring. i really dunno how to assure her.. i can only keep telling her tat i never give up... but to her its just hard. she seems to be unable to step out of tat mind set. wat else can i give her??
and yep we are both very young
21 only..code: -
Originally posted by weijian:
I for one, believes in situations will requires right timing and experience.
tats simple...
if she is avoiding the relationship for fear of being hurt again...
ask her out for a drink or something...then tell her in the face...not the stern look of course...sincerely look into her eyes...soft approach...soft tone...hold her eyes if necessary...or hug her if u can...tell her softly in her ears (if u can hug her) if u hold her hands...facing each other...then while holding her hands...lean forward to her...hold her hands firmly when u say it (as per written below) ...
"trust me, i will not let u shed a tear again with u by my side or will i hurt u in anyway...have faith in me and urself..."
[b]look into her eyes...It's a Must to convey ur sincerity...code:[/b]
IF by doing what you've advised will work.
Then we'll have to see how much will her mindset change and how long he can make her stay.
A part tells that she's afraid of the r/s for being afraid to get hurt.
Another part tells that she's unsure of him and the relationship.
Yet another tells, she's not actually willing to put in effort working things out.
This might sound -ve. To be honest the odds are against him.
Variables...
Cheers -
Bro, long way to go lar. I suggest you try out more girls before settling down with 1. Trust me, when you are married and with kids, you will look back and ask yourself, why didn't I give myself more choice?Originally posted by junich:i dunno what tomorrow will bring. i really dunno how to assure her.. i can only keep telling her tat i never give up... but to her its just hard. she seems to be unable to step out of tat mind set. wat else can i give her??
and yep we are both very young
21 only..
Oh, btw I love my wife very much and I will always love her. She is the right choice for me and always will be. I took a long time choosing, and after many trial and errors with other girls -
Originally posted by KopiKia:Bro, long way to go lar. I suggest you try out more girls before settling down with 1. Trust me, when you are married and with kids, you will look back and ask yourself, why didn't I give myself more choice?
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i've had ard 5-6 relationships already. I dunno about tomorrow. Y cant i cherish the present? Yea true i have a long way. But am i gonna give up just because i hit some bumps in this? then wat makes me so sure tat e next one tat comes along i wun do the same thing? then in e end i'll settle down with a girl tat doesnt give me problems? then tell me people, what is the meaning of love then? sry i'm just a lil vexed now...
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agree
i didnt know that love can be maths...with variables...if only school teaches this kind of maths or uses other examples which we have interes in...then i am sure the normal students in the normal and technical students will get better results compare to those in special and express stream already lo...haha....
just take a break then, have a Kit-Kat ya?Originally posted by M©+square:I for one, believes in situations will requires right timing and experience.
IF by doing what you've advised will work.
Then we'll have to see how much will her mindset change and how long he can make her stay.
A part tells that she's afraid of the r/s for being afraid to get hurt.
Another part tells that she's unsure of him and the relationship.
Yet another tells, she's not actually willing to put in effort working things out.
This might sound -ve. To be honest the odds are against him.
Variables...
Cheers
have a good rest and get on with another relationship...learn and improve...muz have Never Say Die Attitude...Cheers
Originally posted by junich:i've had ard 5-6 relationships already. I dunno about tomorrow. Y cant i cherish the present? Yea true i have a long way. But am i gonna give up just because i hit some bumps in this? then wat makes me so sure tat e next one tat comes along i wun do the same thing? then in e end i'll settle down with a girl tat doesnt give me problems? then tell me people, what is the meaning of love then? sry i'm just a lil vexed now... -
How much you love her?Originally posted by junich:i've had ard 5-6 relationships already. I dunno about tomorrow. Y cant i cherish the present? Yea true i have a long way. But am i gonna give up just because i hit some bumps in this? then wat makes me so sure tat e next one tat comes along i wun do the same thing? then in e end i'll settle down with a girl tat doesnt give me problems? then tell me people, what is the meaning of love then? sry i'm just a lil vexed now... -
Can it be measured? I dunno.. i tot i've given up le.. as in its alrite being single lo... Wasnt even wanting to have a relationship when she just came into my life. Suddenly i felt love.. and felt alive... As in e feeling that love still exists. If it can be measured it will be alot alot alot... Its pretty deep i guess.. i seem to have given my all already..
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how deep can u go?
i don't think you have gone to your deepest...
if you really have gone deep enough..you would have waited at her school, follow her home...blah blah blah...or even wait in the rain..untill u do those silly things (strongly not recommended) your not deep enough in terms of love... -
Suicide considered highest form of Love boh?Originally posted by weijian:how deep can u go?
i don't think you have gone to your deepest...
if you really have gone deep enough..you would have waited at her school, follow her home...blah blah blah...or even wait in the rain..untill u do those silly things (strongly not recommended) your not deep enough in terms of love...
Cheers -
IMHO, those things u've said are really childish. It does not equate to love. It is plain stalking. U know u've gone deep cause there are things you would do for her only her. But doing things without thinking is another story altogether. neither is suicide e deepest love. its e dumbest it can ever be. life still goes on with or without you. its e how much u are willing give and risk for a person. i guess.
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The fact is... Nobody can 100% guarantee anything for the future in this world most of the time...Originally posted by junich:Can it be measured? I dunno.. i tot i've given up le.. as in its alrite being single lo... Wasnt even wanting to have a relationship when she just came into my life. Suddenly i felt love.. and felt alive... As in e feeling that love still exists. If it can be measured it will be alot alot alot... Its pretty deep i guess.. i seem to have given my all already..
Nobody can guarantee you that you won't fall if you walk... Even if you've been walking without falling for years...
Nobody can guarantee your ship won't sink if you're with an experienced crew...
Nobody can guarantee that your love won't fail... No matter how well you thought of and plan it out to be....
If you don't love, how would you know it won't work...? If you don't walk, how do you know it's not gonna be worth it even if it means falling...? -
i dunno.. maybe i try too hard..
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Everybody needs a break sometimes... Prehaps she's just not of your management calibre?Originally posted by junich:i dunno.. maybe i try too hard..