Originally posted by BorninNovemeber:
I have repressed myself alot. My mother used to control me alot and i used to defy her alot too. And her constant nagging and negativity affect me as i was growing up. It build a part of me but then i choose a life of mine own when i went into JC and UNI and stay at hostel.. stay away from my mother.
I don't spend money much. I don't spur on fashionable stuffs but deep inside me, i know im vain and crave for stuffs to beautify myself but then i control myself really well.
My mum told me to spend on a shirt that can last long. I think you can't always wear a top for three years straight.. for eg.. an old op top.. you cant wear it for three yrs and be kinda boring.
To tell you the truth, i seldom spur on clothing, accessories. Infact, i avoid shopping and hanging out in town for quite sometime. This affect my company of friends and so i always hang out with people who don't follow the tide of fashion etc. I love and respect these people and there is absolutely nothing wrong with them but then there is something wrong with me. It's about how i feel about myself or my character... i just don't feel that i have the same interest as them in many ways. Most importantly, i have difficulty findin shopping khakis and having the same taste as me now................
And becos i rarely beautify myself, i do not attract the right crowd as in crowd of my taste. It's not the abt the 'in' crowd but mst of these people have this pattern of personality... more adventurous and more involved with the tide of the world.. it's stereotyping here... i wish i can attract more crowd to find out who im really am.
Sometime, i don't know what i am anymore. i have kept myself alot since young, ever since i was bullied in primary school and parents do not understand me. it is this repression which condition me to have certain beliefs in myself but i know some of them are not real... i know i can have better life.. sometime i try to keep myself happy and tell myself how contented i should be with things i have had now but then my heart does not tell the same story..
i have been in self-denial for many times. Most of the time, due to external factors such as to please my mother and most importantly not make her angry. I did it becos i love her.
Most of the time, it is about what i have to do and rather what inspire me to do. For example, it's my responsibility to do this stuffs but then i don't feel like doing it, i could rather spend my time on more meaningful things( to me). Most of the time, it about me who follow my moral values but then it's rather meaningless when the heart don't feel like doing it so...
It's a terrible feeling that your heart and your head don't agreed with one. it's a terrible feeling to deny yourself but what if it is for the better good? Sometime, it feel worthwhile but sometime i wonder what will happen if i just follow my heart...
Very heavy maternal influence (likely to have plantary affliction in 1st, 4th, 5th, 11th, 12th house and especially Moon).
You are an intelligent man; to enable you to enlist into a local JC and university, probably means that your mental and logic development is relatively decent. You understand your own situation, with regards to the emotional side of your life that is badly affected because of your deep-maternal influence. You probably feel restricted, confine in a world where your mum construct a rigid standard and expects you to follow tightly. Values... morals and all the other knowledge and information flowing into you from your mother and has to be upheld at all times.
Your self identity is in a crisis. This has led to a contrasting display of personality to the world that doesn't tally with your actual true self. What you are feeling emotionally is the YOU wanting to liberate from this domineering influence... life has inflicted into you. It reflects clearly on your thinking, like how you want to dress yourself (self identity), how you want to mingle with new crowds (self identity) and most important -
how you want to discover yourself (self identity).
You must understand that you are ABLE to control all this new found 'desire' or 'new options/routes' in life is because of the suppression you are so used to it. It SUPPRESSED whatever weak energy you have, to pick a different way of life (could be your 'actual' way) and you translate it into good emotional control. If you put some thoughts into them, it could be due to passiveness and not good control that is hindering you from doing anything. And this passiveness is indeed a psychological ill product of your early developing years.
Before you can attempt to walk your own life, you must source for the courage to change them. You don't have to rebel (Uranus influence) openly, but you can try all sort of alternatives to bring to where you want to go. If you can't see a distant future, learn to make short-term goals and watch your own progression.
As for your motherly influence, communicate, compromise and put some enlightenment into your own domestic environment. I am not you; I don't know exactly what's wrong, but the basic of truth is that most relationship-bonds-related issue needs communication to resolve and dissolve. You may not be able to change everything into your ideal situation, BUT, certainly, things will be less intense and gets better with proper understanding and communication.
You are a human being.
You lead your own path to destiny. If you have a religion, explore them.
Cheers.
