what would you do?
-
if you have a elder sister that gives nothing but attitude, thinking that she's way high up coz she holds a Poly Dipolma, been staying at China (her husband couldn't find a job here), working there as a nursery teacher, husband as a Urban Planner, now back for holiday and takes everything for granted, doesn't bother to call the siblings up for gathering, giving all her time to her In- Laws and friends, then finally return home only to make a mess outta it and goes off,
then a mother that you are totally helpless about... you get a part- time maid to come in to help her with the chores since she's complaining about no one helping (everyone is working, tired, lazy to help), then she start yelling at everyone saying the maid is useless, not doing a good job, then start inspecting the house and says all kinds of crappy stuff eg; wasting of money, this never do, that never do, not clean enough, for 2 hours dunno do wat etc... (the list gets longer and longer)
a dad who hardly comes home, when he comes home, start bossing ppl around to even pass him the remote control for the TV...
Ever since my sis left to China with her husband, i know my mum would be rather empty since my sis was the "mother's girl", thus, every now and then i'm free, i would pick her up from her office, bring her to dinner, arrange dinner with my brother and dad, hope to have more family time... BUT!!! my mum can just cancel the dinner because i wasn't on the way to pick her up for dinner, i told her to just come home first and we can go dinner together, she came home, and said she not well, not going for dinner.
Then on the day my sis came back from China, my mum insist that everyone must go for dinner despite the fact tat i already told her way before hand that it's not a good time as i was working and the part- time maid will be coming home for cleaning. BUT she still insisted on the "reunion" dinner and I again told her, i can go but will be late... so i finally rushed down to the dinner (already 9pm by then), my brother- in- law was clearly unhappy, the whole atmosphere was clearly sour, ate the dinner then home. WHICH then my mum went to tell my brother that i was Deliberately LATE for the dinner coz i was not happy!!!
Can someone pls pls pls.... tell me what to do if you are in my shoes... I feel so miserable and really dun want to go back to this place called "home".... -
Last yr this time was my sis's wedding day.... guess what.... i was the one who cleaned up the house for her Big Day, buying all the stuff to decor the house, making the house look presentable so when her "jie mei" comes over, our house would be clean and nice.... I was totally negelected and taken granted for...
that didn't bother me much....
but not even a word of thanks came from anyone in the family. On the day itself, i was like not needed to be there.... I was so so so sad...
-
I can only say.... Sometimes it doesn't pay to be TOO NICE...
-
agreed !! nowadays the good guys are usually the first to go ....Originally posted by Devil1976:I can only say.... Sometimes it doesn't pay to be TOO NICE...
-
Well I think in every family there must be some 'pian xin' over another. I know you were upset cos no one seem to appreciate what you have done. But think bout it, there are your family members, someone is blood related to you. Why not you try to talk to them on how you feel or write in a CNY card cos new year coming. Keep everything inside wont solve your problem. This saturday is 'reunion dinner', hope you and your family enjoy it. Cheer up girl.
-
talking about it won't help. Tried it again and again... only result in some really bad arguement and it will all voice down to my fault. And my mum would be yelling at the top of her voice and all neighbours will hear...
I doubt i would wanna stay for the dinner. Probably stay in office and work since there is no one around.
Ppl say the best place to be is always home... now to be, it's the last place i wanna go... i would roam around, stay back in office, sit at void deck, or anything... just to stall time so not to go home and face the crap of mess and all the other stuff....
CNY is supposed to be a heart warming season to get together, catch up and feel the bonding, yet i feel that one minute there and I will just leap out the open window.... Not the first time i am so so depressed... thoughts of killing myself, moving out, find a job overseas, anything to get away from here.... -
Just Do It...Originally posted by subzero_baby:moving out, find a job overseas, anything to get away from there....
-
x2Originally posted by ozon:Just Do It...
Your family will start to appreciate you when you're gone -
x3 but dun overdo it. i know my mom will miss me when im gone although she always say bad about me, curses me, ignores me.. etc.Originally posted by chanff8:x2
Your family will start to appreciate you when you're gone -
time to show them ur attitute?
-
if its really like what u say, i suggest that u find a reason to throw a temper and just move out of the house.. this will show them something..
although ur living expenses wil rise, at least u are free of all these.. and have a happier life..
after u totally gnore them for a few months, observe their reaction.. see if they change their mind or try to be nicer or something.. if so, good for u.. if not, u make the correct decision..
if ur family dont care about u, i dun see why u must think so much for them.. as long as in times of trouble u are around and help out, its good enough..
sorry for sounding harsh.. i no heart de..
-
Stay away from your family if you have to then...?Originally posted by subzero_baby:talking about it won't help. Tried it again and again... only result in some really bad arguement and it will all voice down to my fault. And my mum would be yelling at the top of her voice and all neighbours will hear...
I doubt i would wanna stay for the dinner. Probably stay in office and work since there is no one around.
Ppl say the best place to be is always home... now to be, it's the last place i wanna go... i would roam around, stay back in office, sit at void deck, or anything... just to stall time so not to go home and face the crap of mess and all the other stuff....
CNY is supposed to be a heart warming season to get together, catch up and feel the bonding, yet i feel that one minute there and I will just leap out the open window.... Not the first time i am so so depressed... thoughts of killing myself, moving out, find a job overseas, anything to get away from here....
Nay... Chinese New Year doesn't necessarily means Reunion and warmth and such... It doesn't happen for everyone.. And really... It's no big deal if you think about it... I used to be a bit like you... Hang around outside alone, wait until last min then go back for the 'reunion dinner'... Then quickly finishes off and leave the house... People gave me sh|t on the table but it's no big deal... I just enjoyed my food...
It's really not worth ending your life like that... Nobody's asking you to contribute blindly to a family which doesn't appreciates it... You should have better luck channeling your FOCUS elsewhere.... -
Ok...This is hard. I know it's hard to do alll this with not even a word of "Thanks', or any gratefulness, but yes, keep in mind they are your family. I agree that in some families there will be some "pian xins" ( Ehehehe, my mother likes me more than my younger sis... ), but if you won't treat your family nice, who will? Just do it. It may not appear now in the near future, but I believe it will come in some kind of other form. Like say maybe romance? I believe that when the sadness and tribulations have passed, happiness will come through. When you are gone someday, they will probably miss you somewhat. Cheers. Good luck!
-
This is bad. I agree with the idea of moving out of the house, as they are growing on using you more than appreciating you.
Therefore... maybe you rent a room and move out might be the best idea. -
ya... no harm going outside to rent a room to stay for a few months....they are not too expensive nowadays...
u mux let ur family feel the difference of being without you around.... if they dun feel it then this is not a family....
but dun play lost out of a sudden laa... announce it officially and leave... be firm in your decision.... if you cant then u gona leave quietly but do leave a letter behind and let a few friends that your famil;y noes where you are....
though to part is a need here but no need to hide your whereabouts -
x4Originally posted by Ito_^:x3 but dun overdo it. i know my mom will miss me when im gone although she always say bad about me, curses me, ignores me.. etc.
Have you tried the cold war? Start by doing the things they asked you to do but don't talk that much. Don't do extra things like organising dinners etc. and always don't talk or talk back. Until they scold you for something which you have done properly for them, you also keep quite but just tell them your decision to move out to another place. They scold you, show no affection. They call you, just answer with "yes", "no" and "call me later". Most important is to show them that "YOU DO NOT CARE" but not bochup lah...
BUT i really hope that everything doesn't come down to this scenario lah... CNY mah... -
subzero_baby's problem sounds like what i am facing at home. if her parents are as jialat as my mother, chances are, you dont talk they will also scold until you cry.Originally posted by Robotics999:x4
Have you tried the cold war? Start by doing the things they asked you to do but don't talk that much. Don't do extra things like organising dinners etc. and always don't talk or talk back. Until they scold you for something which you have done properly for them, you also keep quite but just tell them your decision to move out to another place. They scold you, show no affection. They call you, just answer with "yes", "no" and "call me later". Most important is to show them that "YOU DO NOT CARE" but not bochup lah...
BUT i really hope that everything doesn't come down to this scenario lah... CNY mah...
there was once when i helped out my mother with the chores while her two other sons watched tv in the living room. i think i stepped away to answer call or something, then she came charging at me and started screaming at me saying i didnt help her (while my bros looked on).
i tried to explain but was useless against her screams. i couldnt control my tears so i cried, and guess what she said to me? "No need to act one, no one wants to watch you act your show." I felt totally wronged. Help her still kena scolded.
I didnt talk to her for weeks after that. What she does never matters much to me after that. -
haiz... somehow feels that this is more like being bias??Originally posted by liyan:subzero_baby's problem sounds like what i am facing at home. if her parents are as jialat as my mother, chances are, you dont talk they will also scold until you cry.
there was once when i helped out my mother with the chores while her two other sons watched tv in the living room. i think i stepped away to answer call or something, then she came charging at me and started screaming at me saying i didnt help her (while my bros looked on).
i tried to explain but was useless against her screams. i couldnt control my tears so i cried, and guess what she said to me? "No need to act one, no one wants to watch you act your show." I felt totally wronged. Help her still kena scolded.
I didnt talk to her for weeks after that. What she does never matters much to me after that. -
i am more or less immuned already. dying to move out when i was younger, now i dun care anymore. i ot every night, if never ot then i will go out with friends, reaching home never earlier than 10pm if i can help it.Originally posted by falling_stars:haiz... somehow feels that this is more like being bias??
by then she would be getting ready to sleep, and me to bathe, so we wont get to talk too.
i'll just get out of her way whenever i can. -
People who have the habit to boss/scold you around (or take you for granted), be cold, evade/ignore and don't talk to such people this cny. Why fuel their habit? What you want is to make them realise their bossy habit and see a needed change. The best way I found out for myself is to completely ignore, don't talk to them. When they want to talk to me and if I still detect the same attitude, I'd come up with an excuse and get out of sight. If it means working late, hiding in my own room, taking a short holiday trip away to be happier, I'd go ahead. I've learned not to let such people boss around and spoil my holiday mood and the best way is to bochap them and go do the things that make me happier. Let them go find someone else to boss around and fume themselves. -
My sis has finally returned back to her job at Shangai...
while her 2 weeks stay.... consider hell for me.
there was this one day she came over to bake pineapple tarts... I was really unhappy about it coz everytime after she's done, she would just pack up and go, leaving all the mess behind for my mum to clear. The entire kitchen would be greasy and dirty with flour and butter... then my mum would have to mop it up... then as she mops, she will scold saying she's all the one doing all the chores!
WTF! I engaged 2 part-time maid to come in on weekly basis to clean the house, she not happy, say waste money, then say all these maid (china) are of no good, dunno got work permit or not etc... then my sis went to add fuel to the fire saying that we must have a photo- copied copy of their passport and IC... incase they steal or wat... CAN U BELIEVE IT!
So this time round when my sis came back, i told the maid not to come. Did the chores myself and on the reunion dinner night, my mum went off to the temple at 8++pm, and i had to clear all the mess, do the chores, wash toilet all before 12am. The bonus was my sis actually went to tell my brother that by getting the maid to come in, is actually trying to subsitute my mum!
How can a maid ever ever subsitute my mum???
Gee... i'm really at my wits end.
I had considered moving out, but with the pay i'm getting, it would barely enough to cover anything... -
just want to say a few words..Originally posted by subzero_baby:My sis has finally returned back to her job at Shangai...
while her 2 weeks stay.... consider hell for me.
there was this one day she came over to bake pineapple tarts... I was really unhappy about it coz everytime after she's done, she would just pack up and go, leaving all the mess behind for my mum to clear. The entire kitchen would be greasy and dirty with flour and butter... then my mum would have to mop it up... then as she mops, she will scold saying she's all the one doing all the chores!
WTF! I engaged 2 part-time maid to come in on weekly basis to clean the house, she not happy, say waste money, then say all these maid (china) are of no good, dunno got work permit or not etc... then my sis went to add fuel to the fire saying that we must have a photo- copied copy of their passport and IC... incase they steal or wat... CAN U BELIEVE IT!
So this time round when my sis came back, i told the maid not to come. Did the chores myself and on the reunion dinner night, my mum went off to the temple at 8++pm, and i had to clear all the mess, do the chores, wash toilet all before 12am. The bonus was my sis actually went to tell my brother that by getting the maid to come in, is actually trying to subsitute my mum!
How can a maid ever ever subsitute my mum???
Gee... i'm really at my wits end.
I had considered moving out, but with the pay i'm getting, it would barely enough to cover anything...
Do you realise that you are like your mum in a few ways?
You did the job and start complaining.
Is the whole cycle again and again..
If you wish to do the job then stop complaining or heck care what others say.
As for your mum since she is always complaining then let her be lor ignoring her is really good for your health since you cannot move out.,
If you are not happy about anything just do not do the task lor, you keep bottling up will only cos you to blow up in the end.
the key is that you are not happy with the things that your sis or mum say about you then do not do anything lor since you do also kena scolded, do not do also kena then why put in so much effort for what?
ratherr if not the problem will not end. -
Some old folks are quite sensitive to the taking over of limited chores performed by them. They might feel that they've very much dropped in their value, could be easily 'replaced' or might even be redundant. I know somehow these might be very much silly thoughts to us, but most old folks just don't maintain the mental capacity to think vastly like they used to.Originally posted by subzero_baby:My sis has finally returned back to her job at Shangai...
while her 2 weeks stay.... consider hell for me.
there was this one day she came over to bake pineapple tarts... I was really unhappy about it coz everytime after she's done, she would just pack up and go, leaving all the mess behind for my mum to clear. The entire kitchen would be greasy and dirty with flour and butter... then my mum would have to mop it up... then as she mops, she will scold saying she's all the one doing all the chores!
WTF! I engaged 2 part-time maid to come in on weekly basis to clean the house, she not happy, say waste money, then say all these maid (china) are of no good, dunno got work permit or not etc... then my sis went to add fuel to the fire saying that we must have a photo- copied copy of their passport and IC... incase they steal or wat... CAN U BELIEVE IT!
So this time round when my sis came back, i told the maid not to come. Did the chores myself and on the reunion dinner night, my mum went off to the temple at 8++pm, and i had to clear all the mess, do the chores, wash toilet all before 12am. The bonus was my sis actually went to tell my brother that by getting the maid to come in, is actually trying to subsitute my mum!
How can a maid ever ever subsitute my mum???
Gee... i'm really at my wits end.
I had considered moving out, but with the pay i'm getting, it would barely enough to cover anything... -
subzero_baby
There are some things in which you can affect positive change, and others that are out of your hands. Not all battles can be fought and won.
Family problems are especially painful and tricky because you can't be entirely unemotional in your approach; you're often bound by duty and love.
Just try your best to help your mom, don't expect too much in terms of "rewards", and try not to let your sister affect you too much. -
Dear All,
Thank u all for the very prompt replies...
Just add on a bit.
My dad is a business man, quite reputable, considered well- to- do... But he rarely comes home. Citing the reason that he works late and gotta attend to stuff early in the morning, so he will "sleep" in his office. Not sure if i should be happy that my mum actually believed him all these years.
And when my dad does come home, he expects the house to be clean and tidy, neat and nice. I try my best to keep things in order so my dad will come home and my mum will be happy. One of the reasons why dad is going home is mainly because he have to (at least for show), and because of me and my brother.
Mum has been very very involved in the activities her temple has and is juggling her own retail shop at the same time. Thus, neglecting the housework at home. So when i got the maid to come in to do the chores, it to let my mum have a better peace of mind to continue do what she enjoys, so my dad will come back to a clean and neat home, so i dun have to mop the floor in the middle of the night after my work (i work shifts).
The best part is that: Dad has another woman outside. Been with him for least 10yrs.
I know well enough, that this issue will go on and on.... vicious cycle... I just need someone to hear me out, someone whom will know what i'm talking about and share my thoughts...