deperately need family help and advise
-
IÂ’m quite lost, and I try my best to get my message and query across. I donÂ’t expect to have too much return questions, but would be glad to see some advice or solution here.
I have a foreign wife from HK and a 18mth-old son born in SG. MY wife, a PR, has been staying in SG for the about 3 years. Occasionally, returns to HK for short trip from 2 wks to a month. She is a housewife and has never worked, since she is in SG.
IÂ’m the only one who brings in the household income, and it has been tough throughout the years. IÂ’m afraid will the situation and pressure will get tougher as the year goes by. I do not have high income, though IÂ’m taking care of my family. Financially is just enough in a family, with some saving for my sonÂ’s education. I feel so lucky that my old flat was inherited from my parent; therefore, I no need to pay monthly montage. We have the intention to buy a new bigger flat in near future, but I have a concern that potentially boiling up, as time flies. It affects my relationship, my son growth development, my possession and my responsibility.
I have ask my wife to look for a simple job with low responsibility, however, my wife cannot accept the fact of SG low-wages works and is not been willing work. I have explain to her that the purpose may not necessarily to be high paid, but to get some exposure to SG society, widen circle of life, develop a sense of belonging and commitment in the family. Beside this, I did explain that it also help to rid out idleness and stagnant life in SG. Yet, she still doesnÂ’t understand and insist to be a housewife, and take care of my son.
I have never object to her as being a housewife and caring my son full-time, and I do thank her for that help too. But if she going to remain in this status, IÂ’m afraid that we are not able to move-on further with a common goal.
She is active and vibrant, but stubbornness and arrogant attitude has developed since young, while living in HK. So her expectation has been high. Living in a fast-pace environment, it is foresee that she may end-up to become those 'Singapore aunties and housewives' whose ages between 45 to 65.
-- 1st concern, my wife
How can I change her negative attitude, and make her to have a sense of belonging and responsibility in SG? I need her to work and provide some financial support eventually.
--> 2nd concern, my son
She has spend most of her time caring my son, thus, it has create a strong bonding and possession to her. She has never trust anyone to take care of my son, not even my brothers' family or even for a few hours not seeing my son. As any children look towards their parents as leaders and living-examples in life, and IÂ’m afraid that her stubbornness and arrogant attitude may instill to my son when he grow up. Unknowingly, this negative attitude may repeat, like say, 20 years later. How should I avoid this negative development to my child? IÂ’m bearing the responsibility to educate my son well.
-- 3rd concern, the future
The message now has not been getting into her. So the slower she is reacting to environment changes, the slower we may not be able to move-on to a new flat. As a matter of fact, her pride and resistant may develop into impulsive acts. Such as divorce, return to HK with my son and not looking back. Do understand that HK is her homeland, meaning a place where she feels lots of confidence and comfortable. How can I secure my future.
Pls help and advise.
-
lern2english
-
I think since your son's pretty young now, there really isn't much wrong with her taking care of him closely for now...Originally posted by one-n-only-working-man:IÂ’m quite lost, and I try my best to get my message and query across. I donÂ’t expect to have too much return questions, but would be glad to see some advice or solution here.
I have a foreign wife from HK and a 18mth-old son born in SG. MY wife, a PR, has been staying in SG for the about 3 years. Occasionally, returns to HK for short trip from 2 wks to a month. She is a housewife and has never worked, since she is in SG.
IÂ’m the only one who brings in the household income, and it has been tough throughout the years. IÂ’m afraid will the situation and pressure will get tougher as the year goes by. I do not have high income, though IÂ’m taking care of my family. Financially is just enough in a family, with some saving for my sonÂ’s education. I feel so lucky that my old flat was inherited from my parent; therefore, I no need to pay monthly montage. We have the intention to buy a new bigger flat in near future, but I have a concern that potentially boiling up, as time flies. It affects my relationship, my son growth development, my possession and my responsibility.
I have ask my wife to look for a simple job with low responsibility, however, my wife cannot accept the fact of SG low-wages works and is not been willing work. I have explain to her that the purpose may not necessarily to be high paid, but to get some exposure to SG society, widen circle of life, develop a sense of belonging and commitment in the family. Beside this, I did explain that it also help to rid out idleness and stagnant life in SG. Yet, she still doesnÂ’t understand and insist to be a housewife, and take care of my son.
I have never object to her as being a housewife and caring my son full-time, and I do thank her for that help too. But if she going to remain in this status, IÂ’m afraid that we are not able to move-on further with a common goal.
She is active and vibrant, but stubbornness and arrogant attitude has developed since young, while living in HK. So her expectation has been high. Living in a fast-pace environment, it is foresee that she may end-up to become those 'Singapore aunties and housewives' whose ages between 45 to 65.
-- 1st concern, my wife
How can I change her negative attitude, and make her to have a sense of belonging and responsibility in SG? I need her to work and provide some financial support eventually.
--> 2nd concern, my son
She has spend most of her time caring my son, thus, it has create a strong bonding and possession to her. She has never trust anyone to take care of my son, not even my brothers' family or even for a few hours not seeing my son. As any children look towards their parents as leaders and living-examples in life, and IÂ’m afraid that her stubbornness and arrogant attitude may instill to my son when he grow up. Unknowingly, this negative attitude may repeat, like say, 20 years later. How should I avoid this negative development to my child? IÂ’m bearing the responsibility to educate my son well.
-- 3rd concern, the future
The message now has not been getting into her. So the slower she is reacting to environment changes, the slower we may not be able to move-on to a new flat. As a matter of fact, her pride and resistant may develop into impulsive acts. Such as divorce, return to HK with my son and not looking back. Do understand that HK is her homeland, meaning a place where she feels lots of confidence and comfortable. How can I secure my future.
Pls help and advise.
As for your wife's attitude... It's hard to say...? Afterall, you're the one who chose your wife.. And it's quite unlikely that she would change her attitude and character just like that... It would be nice if you can constantly talk to her to install a form of mentality in her... And also, she'll need to understand that the family would need a form of saving... So that in case anything goes wrong one day, things would not be so bad for the family...
I understand that your concern about your wife having the negative influence on your son... I think such things to an extent is just somehow inevitable... Of course, you would have to understand that you have a fair share in your son too... So while she behaves and such.. You have your own responsibility and ability to teach your son what you deem fit too...? Ultimately it's just up to your son to pick up whatever... Just like he might be influenced by the other people in his life... It seems that he should be more greatly affected by his mum when he is younger.. Can't help too much about that... As he grow up, he should be able to filter off things for himself...
-
hi,
firstly, you need to bring your wife out to social activities such as some organised by CSC or etc. Let her mix with the people. Choose courses that allow her to mingle like cooking, dancing or even go with her to morning exercise which the CSC does on weekends.
with that build confidence, and once the tongue loosens, things are easier.
she will have chance to interact with other housewives with children and trust me, they will talk.
secondly, at start of year, perhaps you can sit down with her and work out some goals. Start with something for the child, like knowing how to read the mulitpication tables, and then for you, to learn something, and then her, and lastly for the family. From here, you can inject some of what you want. but not big items just small ones. and then review half-yearly, and inject more of for the whole family.
Do observe what she likes to do. for example, cooking, then you can enrol her as instructors in CSC or something, but one thing, don't just throw her there, be there with her and your child.
Lastly, praise your wife when she does something nice in front of your child. People like to be praised. but when your wife try to be difficult, try to speak to her in another way, but infront of child, so she knows she can't throw her temper. Say something like "see, mummy disagrees with this, but baby know right? for the family to move, we baby, mummy and daddy must move in this way, right?"
bottomline, this is a situation that has evolved over time, nothing can be changed overnight. Bring out your love and patience and make slow steps like building blocks to encourage yourselves. show your happiness and never never give up. what you have is a family that you as the head should never throw the towel in.
Rem, a bad day only lasts 24hrs. - my favourite line.
take care, and God Bless.
bye. -
ur concerns on ur wife should be solve directly telling her of the financial concerns abt the family... tell her if she dun get a job wat will happen... let her get a view of the picture u see... if she still react this way then maybe intro some friends to her probably they can help her adapt to sg life... most imptly is let her know more friends here or take her to some socio dinners so she might find some group she can fit in to...Originally posted by one-n-only-working-man:IÂ’m quite lost, and I try my best to get my message and query across. I donÂ’t expect to have too much return questions, but would be glad to see some advice or solution here.
I have a foreign wife from HK and a 18mth-old son born in SG. MY wife, a PR, has been staying in SG for the about 3 years. Occasionally, returns to HK for short trip from 2 wks to a month. She is a housewife and has never worked, since she is in SG.
IÂ’m the only one who brings in the household income, and it has been tough throughout the years. IÂ’m afraid will the situation and pressure will get tougher as the year goes by. I do not have high income, though IÂ’m taking care of my family. Financially is just enough in a family, with some saving for my sonÂ’s education. I feel so lucky that my old flat was inherited from my parent; therefore, I no need to pay monthly montage. We have the intention to buy a new bigger flat in near future, but I have a concern that potentially boiling up, as time flies. It affects my relationship, my son growth development, my possession and my responsibility.
I have ask my wife to look for a simple job with low responsibility, however, my wife cannot accept the fact of SG low-wages works and is not been willing work. I have explain to her that the purpose may not necessarily to be high paid, but to get some exposure to SG society, widen circle of life, develop a sense of belonging and commitment in the family. Beside this, I did explain that it also help to rid out idleness and stagnant life in SG. Yet, she still doesnÂ’t understand and insist to be a housewife, and take care of my son.
I have never object to her as being a housewife and caring my son full-time, and I do thank her for that help too. But if she going to remain in this status, IÂ’m afraid that we are not able to move-on further with a common goal.
She is active and vibrant, but stubbornness and arrogant attitude has developed since young, while living in HK. So her expectation has been high. Living in a fast-pace environment, it is foresee that she may end-up to become those 'Singapore aunties and housewives' whose ages between 45 to 65.
-- 1st concern, my wife
How can I change her negative attitude, and make her to have a sense of belonging and responsibility in SG? I need her to work and provide some financial support eventually.
--> 2nd concern, my son
She has spend most of her time caring my son, thus, it has create a strong bonding and possession to her. She has never trust anyone to take care of my son, not even my brothers' family or even for a few hours not seeing my son. As any children look towards their parents as leaders and living-examples in life, and IÂ’m afraid that her stubbornness and arrogant attitude may instill to my son when he grow up. Unknowingly, this negative attitude may repeat, like say, 20 years later. How should I avoid this negative development to my child? IÂ’m bearing the responsibility to educate my son well.
-- 3rd concern, the future
The message now has not been getting into her. So the slower she is reacting to environment changes, the slower we may not be able to move-on to a new flat. As a matter of fact, her pride and resistant may develop into impulsive acts. Such as divorce, return to HK with my son and not looking back. Do understand that HK is her homeland, meaning a place where she feels lots of confidence and comfortable. How can I secure my future.
Pls help and advise. -
thanks for the advice.
What is CSC?
How should I reply, if she say arrogantly, "I can work in HK, why dont you look for a job in HK too? We can have better household income over there..."
One of the fact that I dont follow her to HK is because, her dominating attitude has not give me an assurance of my position of existence there.
What if she override me? What if she dont return to SG after a 2 years of work there? Many concerns that i cannot spell out at once.. -
CSC - community centres that you can see, around your place.
friend, if ever you are so insecure about your wife, I feel either you really worry too much or you insecure about your relationship.
Given that you have married someone from another country, there is always this possibility of moving there.
if she can really work, and you are not finanically bounded, why not work in HKG?
Being parents, most of us worried about our children's future, given today economy, it will be slightly easier if your child is to work in china from HKG, then from Singapore. Thus, a brighter future.
You want your wife to give way, well, you have to do it too.
Think of bigger picture.
Take care. -
U are lucky to inherit a flat, why do u want to upgrade? I'm sure your flat is sufficient for a couple & 1 kid. If u upgrade, u end up having to service housing loans & HDB flat don't appreciate much cos they are too high already.
Moreover u have to constantly worry abt losing your job & unable to service the loan.
Also don't force your wife to work if she is not keen. It is better that she looks after your kids rather than employing a maid. A mother is still the best person to bring up young kids.
As everyone has suggested, it is good to get your wife involved in some community activities. This will widen her social circle so she don't get bored.
In time, she will settle down & treat S'pore as home. -
How about some family counselling...?Originally posted by one-n-only-working-man:thanks for the advice.
What is CSC?
How should I reply, if she say arrogantly, "I can work in HK, why dont you look for a job in HK too? We can have better household income over there..."
One of the fact that I dont follow her to HK is because, her dominating attitude has not give me an assurance of my position of existence there.
What if she override me? What if she dont return to SG after a 2 years of work there? Many concerns that i cannot spell out at once.. -
like tat go stay in hk wif her lo... not a bad place la...Originally posted by one-n-only-working-man:thanks for the advice.
What is CSC?
How should I reply, if she say arrogantly, "I can work in HK, why dont you look for a job in HK too? We can have better household income over there..."
One of the fact that I dont follow her to HK is because, her dominating attitude has not give me an assurance of my position of existence there.
What if she override me? What if she dont return to SG after a 2 years of work there? Many concerns that i cannot spell out at once.. -
Hi,Originally posted by one-n-only-working-man:IÂ’m quite lost, and I try my best to get my message and query across. I donÂ’t expect to have too much return questions, but would be glad to see some advice or solution here.
I have a foreign wife from HK and a 18mth-old son born in SG. MY wife, a PR, has been staying in SG for the about 3 years. Occasionally, returns to HK for short trip from 2 wks to a month. She is a housewife and has never worked, since she is in SG.
IÂ’m the only one who brings in the household income, and it has been tough throughout the years. IÂ’m afraid will the situation and pressure will get tougher as the year goes by. I do not have high income, though IÂ’m taking care of my family. Financially is just enough in a family, with some saving for my sonÂ’s education. I feel so lucky that my old flat was inherited from my parent; therefore, I no need to pay monthly montage. We have the intention to buy a new bigger flat in near future, but I have a concern that potentially boiling up, as time flies. It affects my relationship, my son growth development, my possession and my responsibility.
I have ask my wife to look for a simple job with low responsibility, however, my wife cannot accept the fact of SG low-wages works and is not been willing work. I have explain to her that the purpose may not necessarily to be high paid, but to get some exposure to SG society, widen circle of life, develop a sense of belonging and commitment in the family. Beside this, I did explain that it also help to rid out idleness and stagnant life in SG. Yet, she still doesnÂ’t understand and insist to be a housewife, and take care of my son.
I have never object to her as being a housewife and caring my son full-time, and I do thank her for that help too. But if she going to remain in this status, IÂ’m afraid that we are not able to move-on further with a common goal.
She is active and vibrant, but stubbornness and arrogant attitude has developed since young, while living in HK. So her expectation has been high. Living in a fast-pace environment, it is foresee that she may end-up to become those 'Singapore aunties and housewives' whose ages between 45 to 65.
-- 1st concern, my wife
How can I change her negative attitude, and make her to have a sense of belonging and responsibility in SG? I need her to work and provide some financial support eventually.
--> 2nd concern, my son
She has spend most of her time caring my son, thus, it has create a strong bonding and possession to her. She has never trust anyone to take care of my son, not even my brothers' family or even for a few hours not seeing my son. As any children look towards their parents as leaders and living-examples in life, and IÂ’m afraid that her stubbornness and arrogant attitude may instill to my son when he grow up. Unknowingly, this negative attitude may repeat, like say, 20 years later. How should I avoid this negative development to my child? IÂ’m bearing the responsibility to educate my son well.
-- 3rd concern, the future
The message now has not been getting into her. So the slower she is reacting to environment changes, the slower we may not be able to move-on to a new flat. As a matter of fact, her pride and resistant may develop into impulsive acts. Such as divorce, return to HK with my son and not looking back. Do understand that HK is her homeland, meaning a place where she feels lots of confidence and comfortable. How can I secure my future.
Pls help and advise.
Unless you have aged parents to look after in Singapore, why don't you seriously consider living in HK. I have moved up here more than 5 years ago and still liking it. The pay in HK is generally better and despite the higher cost of living, my experience and those of fellow Singaporeans are that we still manage to scrape more savings each month.
So far I have yet to know any HKers (among my friends) who haved moved to Singapore and likes it there. Not that Singapore is lousy, but we have to accept that it is very different.
From what you said, your wife is a caring person, willing to look after the baby full-time. I doubt she will just leave you on impulse. IMHO, give and take, consider moving to HK and start a fresh. -
Hi, I do not mean to be rude, but have you considered the possibility that while you may think that she is domineering, IMHO, you sound rather domineering as well? What position within the household do you need?Originally posted by one-n-only-working-man:thanks for the advice.
What is CSC?
How should I reply, if she say arrogantly, "I can work in HK, why dont you look for a job in HK too? We can have better household income over there..."
One of the fact that I dont follow her to HK is because, her dominating attitude has not give me an assurance of my position of existence there.
What if she override me? What if she dont return to SG after a 2 years of work there? Many concerns that i cannot spell out at once..
With equal education and opportunities for both genders in our modern world, a marriage is a partnership for life. Give and take. If she does according to your plans, wouldn't she be the one making all the sacrifices? So what have you done in the mean time to re-assure her throughout her 3 years in Singapore so far? -
Thanks for the reply and advices. I should have consider working in hongkong, probably for the next few years..its 'seriously' working there.
anyone here can provide some source for searching jobs in HK? Such as online jobdb.com. -
Search engines to look for job seek sites... Should have plenty...Originally posted by one-n-only-working-man:Thanks for the reply and advices. I should have consider working in hongkong, probably for the next few years..its 'seriously' working there.
anyone here can provide some source for searching jobs in HK? Such as online jobdb.com. -
since you do not mind she stay put as a housewife, why are you typing like 400+ words to drive your point tat she has to work no matter what?
and you also have an ambition to jump for the next bigger flat, knowing full well you dun hv a substantiable income. are you sure you will not be caught betw burning ends of a bridge?
why not consider having rent out part of the flat to get some income instead?
bottomline: you can't have your cake and eat it. -
-
Just get the point straigt over to her lah. Tell her you need her to work have a little income to at least ease the financial at home a bit.Originally posted by one-n-only-working-man:IÂ’m quite lost, and I try my best to get my message and query across. I donÂ’t expect to have too much return questions, but would be glad to see some advice or solution here.
I have a foreign wife from HK and a 18mth-old son born in SG. MY wife, a PR, has been staying in SG for the about 3 years. Occasionally, returns to HK for short trip from 2 wks to a month. She is a housewife and has never worked, since she is in SG.
IÂ’m the only one who brings in the household income, and it has been tough throughout the years. IÂ’m afraid will the situation and pressure will get tougher as the year goes by. I do not have high income, though IÂ’m taking care of my family. Financially is just enough in a family, with some saving for my sonÂ’s education. I feel so lucky that my old flat was inherited from my parent; therefore, I no need to pay monthly montage. We have the intention to buy a new bigger flat in near future, but I have a concern that potentially boiling up, as time flies. It affects my relationship, my son growth development, my possession and my responsibility.
I have ask my wife to look for a simple job with low responsibility, however, my wife cannot accept the fact of SG low-wages works and is not been willing work. I have explain to her that the purpose may not necessarily to be high paid, but to get some exposure to SG society, widen circle of life, develop a sense of belonging and commitment in the family. Beside this, I did explain that it also help to rid out idleness and stagnant life in SG. Yet, she still doesnÂ’t understand and insist to be a housewife, and take care of my son.
I have never object to her as being a housewife and caring my son full-time, and I do thank her for that help too. But if she going to remain in this status, IÂ’m afraid that we are not able to move-on further with a common goal.
She is active and vibrant, but stubbornness and arrogant attitude has developed since young, while living in HK. So her expectation has been high. Living in a fast-pace environment, it is foresee that she may end-up to become those 'Singapore aunties and housewives' whose ages between 45 to 65.
-- 1st concern, my wife
How can I change her negative attitude, and make her to have a sense of belonging and responsibility in SG? I need her to work and provide some financial support eventually.
--> 2nd concern, my son
She has spend most of her time caring my son, thus, it has create a strong bonding and possession to her. She has never trust anyone to take care of my son, not even my brothers' family or even for a few hours not seeing my son. As any children look towards their parents as leaders and living-examples in life, and IÂ’m afraid that her stubbornness and arrogant attitude may instill to my son when he grow up. Unknowingly, this negative attitude may repeat, like say, 20 years later. How should I avoid this negative development to my child? IÂ’m bearing the responsibility to educate my son well.
-- 3rd concern, the future
The message now has not been getting into her. So the slower she is reacting to environment changes, the slower we may not be able to move-on to a new flat. As a matter of fact, her pride and resistant may develop into impulsive acts. Such as divorce, return to HK with my son and not looking back. Do understand that HK is her homeland, meaning a place where she feels lots of confidence and comfortable. How can I secure my future.
Pls help and advise. -
When someone is young, you have to guide them else they will be 'crooked'. Like my Uncle, he is poorly educated and have to do OT almost every day to make ends meet. His wife also never take care of her 2 sons much...end up it was my mum who took one of them for check-up as he got minor seizures since young. Meaning over a decade his own mum never bring him go doctor for check-up.
$ is important but i think upbringing of kids is more important. If the root is rotten, tell me how u have a good plant coming out. You can have all the $, but if ur son is someone whom u all cannot take care, cannot tame, cannot discipline and always get into trouble i think u all wun be happy.
You ought to thank your wife's dedication to jagar ur son so well. -
if you have the money migrate to HK. the living is better than singapore. i been there for a month and i love it.