Caught in the middle between traditions
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I have a friend who is turning 21 soon, she comes from a very tradition family and her parents expects her to be home by 10 plus if she has to go out with her boyfriend. She feels very upset as she knows that her boyfriend wants to spend more time with her but her parents don't like her spending too much time with her boyfriend. Although she respects the fact that her parents cares for her, she feel that she has also reached a sensible age where she can decide for herself. She oftens qurrels with her mom over the issue but her mom being very traditional and closed in her thinking, cannot understand her needs as a growing adult.
Indeed, i told her that all that her does is for her good as she cared but we both know that she needs her independence.
She felts that she is caught in the middle?
Can anyone help her?
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wow, she's 21 and her parents still treat her like a kid? and i thought that MY parents treated me like one...and im 17.
I think your friend should have a parent-to-daughter talk. She should say that she is grateful that they care for her, but she also, as a grown WOMAN, needs to be respected - she can take care of herself and needs to be able to make her own decisions if she wants to live in this world...
or... she can just move in with her boyfriend. -
I think she tried.. but still as you know it is hard to teach an old dog new trick and in this case talk to an old dog about new tricks.. If she could have move in with her boy friend.. she won't be qurreling with her mom..but in the first place her parents will not allow for sure!Originally posted by dottie:wow, she's 21 and her parents still treat her like a kid? and i thought that MY parents treated me like one...and im 17.
I think your friend should have a parent-to-daughter talk. She should say that she is grateful that they care for her, but she also, as a grown WOMAN, needs to be respected - she can take care of herself and needs to be able to make her own decisions if she wants to live in this world...
or... she can just move in with her boyfriend. -
bring bf home more often.
he stay till 12 also no problem.
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uum, she could pretend that she got a job, and instead of going to 'work', she can sneak out with her boyfriend?
try negotiating - maybe her parents will allow her to have 2 days a week when she can stay out past 10pm, if she cuts back on the length of time she stays out on other days. -
wah lau going to be 21 liao still being controlled?........
me is going to be 18 larh but den my mum has been quite relaxed with me ever since sec 3.......onli condition for me if i wan come home late is dat i hav to give my mum a call to inform her b4 i can stay out late.....
i tink both daughter n mum nid to talk actually....... n the mum seriously nid counselling.......if i were the daughter i would hav seek my relative's help le.......yeap........ -
i think her mother will threaten to kill herself if she ever tries to move in with her boyfriend.Originally posted by dottie:wow, she's 21 and her parents still treat her like a kid? and i thought that MY parents treated me like one...and im 17.
I think your friend should have a parent-to-daughter talk. She should say that she is grateful that they care for her, but she also, as a grown WOMAN, needs to be respected - she can take care of herself and needs to be able to make her own decisions if she wants to live in this world...
or... she can just move in with her boyfriend. -
Have the guy meet the parents yet?
actually, 21 years old is not that old afterall.....because being a gal, the parents are naturally more concerned for her.
However, i think she has to gain more trust from her parents b4 they will lift the curfew.
sometimes, curfew are broke in a gradual way. If the timing is 10pm, once a while, call home earlier, says 8pm, and tell them you will be home around 1030 or 11pm, saying that you are with a gp of friends..however, dun mis use this method too often.
slowly, 11 to 12pm..however, from my gal friends' experience, this transition takes ages..so just bear with it lor
Most imptly, the parents must know she is going out with friends or bf who are trustworthy. So, its good for the bf to know the parents first, b4 attempting to stay out late with him..
Next time as a mother, will you want your daughther to stay out late with a bf whom you never met b4? or will you be more flexible if she is with some1 u have seen and know?
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Just go out early. -
Her parents met the boy friend once during Chinese New Year.. that's all..
i do argree with darknessfall that her parents only cared..
I think there are also lots of people who are like her.. so she hopes to hear what views do they have.. -
I think your friend should bring her b/f home more often, let her get to know her b/f better .... and she should also bring her friends home too ..... maybe her parents are jus worried because they do not know what kind of friends she has ?Originally posted by artistic1:Her parents met the boy friend once during Chinese New Year.. that's all..
i do argree with darknessfall that her parents only cared..
I think there are also lots of people who are like her.. so she hopes to hear what views do they have..
and another thing is ..... it is more dangerous for a girl to stay out late ...... for example ..... if someone got drunk or passout, he might jus get rob of his valuables, but if its a she ........... something worst might happen to her ...... -
some parents can nv understand no matter how u talk to them...Originally posted by dottie:wow, she's 21 and her parents still treat her like a kid? and i thought that MY parents treated me like one...and im 17.
I think your friend should have a parent-to-daughter talk. She should say that she is grateful that they care for her, but she also, as a grown WOMAN, needs to be respected - she can take care of herself and needs to be able to make her own decisions if she wants to live in this world... -
ah well, thats why you keep trying and tryingOriginally posted by UandMe:some parents can nv understand no matter how u talk to them... let them know they're making your life miserable. get support from cousins etc whose parents arent so strict. get the parents to talk to your parents. keep trying, dont give up, they just might give in. -
hey . that's a good point .Originally posted by dottie:uum, she could pretend that she got a job, and instead of going to 'work', she can sneak out with her boyfriend?
try negotiating - maybe her parents will allow her to have 2 days a week when she can stay out past 10pm, if she cuts back on the length of time she stays out on other days.
whenever i want to go out .
i will tell my parents there are extra classes for me .
i will bring books out of my house and pretend to go to school but in fact .. i would hide the books at my neighbour house ( one of my friends happen to be my neighbour )
pretending to have a job is a great idea . ^^
i dun tink she should ever try negotiating . since i suppose her parents are SO conservative . if she try negotiating . it may back-fire her . the situation may get worse .
in any case .. i wish her luck . -
What I did last time.. Turned rebellious....Originally posted by artistic1:Her parents met the boy friend once during Chinese New Year.. that's all..
i do argree with darknessfall that her parents only cared..
I think there are also lots of people who are like her.. so she hopes to hear what views do they have..
Going against her parents and MORE QUARRELS.. To the EXTREMES... Until her parents ALMOST gave up on her... Then we became better... Not always hanging out overnight almost everyday... Then her parents realised that their daughter has her own rights already...
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Get her bf to reassure her parents that he will send her home safely.
It is not safe for a girl to come back alone very late at night cos can get raped/ robbed esp if she stays HDB cos no security guards. -
at 21.. you're old enough to divorce your parents.. and you are a legal adult.
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My friend spoke to her parents liao.. no luck.. always qurrel..so i think just let time pass and soon when she is working her parents will get used to it..
Lucky her bf is not so demanding that type.. -
Sooner or later they've just got to understand.... They can't tie her down forever...?Originally posted by artistic1:My friend spoke to her parents liao.. no luck.. always qurrel..so i think just let time pass and soon when she is working her parents will get used to it..
Lucky her bf is not so demanding that type.. -
My advice to ur friend is tat..
Try not to quarrell with her mum.. The more u quarrell.. It will onli serves to worsen matters.. I'm caught in tis situation many a times..
Sometimes i think i spend too much time with my bf tat i think my mum got jealous! Coz in the past.. They're used to mi everydae @ home.. Keepin her company practically every dae.. But now.. I'm always out wheneva my bf is free..
Give time for mother to get used to it..I personally feel tat.. It could be partly worry n.. Jealousy..
As u mentioned.. Ur friend's mother onli met the bf durin cny? I assumed tat is onli once bah? Mayb instead of goin out.. Ask the bf to come over.. Both of the young couple can spend time tog.. N meanwhile.. Let ur friend's mother get to noe the guy beta..
B4.. My bf is in Tekong.. Once he's out.. He goes to work.. We been datin for quite long b4 my parents eva meet him.. After meetin few times.. i feel tat their naggin decrease significantly.. Still have alot.. But at least is much beta than b4..
My mother once said tat the more u argue.. the worst it will become n the more i will go against him..Tat reali shuts mi up!
If ur friend's mum is okie with it.. try askin.. say.. Instead of goin out.. can he come for dinner instead? or could he join us for dinner?
When the mother noes the guy beta.. I'm sure things will turn out beta.. Go slow.. Be patient..
It isn easy to let go..Sometimes.. i think to myself.. we're with our parents every dae.. 4 so many yrs of our life..
Now tat we met the one we love.. isn it tat we will wan spend every moment tog? why our parents object when they have so much of our time tog liao?
I realise tat..
Mayb wat our parents feel is tat.. They r now gettin older n older.. How mani more yrs to go?? Soon my daughter will be marryin out soon.. And her life will evolve ard her new family.. n even lesser time for us.. The onli time we have now is this few yrs b4 she got married.. after tat.. she still have a lifetime with her hubby to be..
mayb thinkin in their shoes helps us feels beta..