Terrible sense of inferiority and insecurity
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I canÂ’t accept that my life is such a failure that I need to shut myself from the world and hide away. Do not be mistaken, IÂ’m not referring to achieving academic excellence, being rich or anything along that line. But I feel so painfully that I do not measure up, even fundamentally as a person. Beside my parents, I hardly have any friends who genuinely care for me. My personal life is characterized by subtle rejections and unhappiness. After a long muddled period of depression and frustration, IÂ’ve pinpoint my source of unhappiness to 3 main issues:
1) Physique--- I hate myself for being so short and diminutive physically. I accept that thereÂ’s nothing I can do regarding my height; I tried very very hard to train up but see little improvementÂ… I hate to see myself in the mirror sometimes
2)Relationship--- Loneliness is not exactly a problem, as IÂ’ve long got used to being aloneÂ… I appreciate there are still things which I can enjoy by myself. But whenever IÂ’m in a social setting, e.g. meeting my classmates for project discussions, going to my grandma place where IÂ’ll see my cousins, I just feel immensely inferior when everyone I know is now blissfully attached. My heart just sinks each time I see another fren or cousin finding a partner.
3)Emotional detachment from people around me (in a general way)--- I’m “likeable” enough for most friends to behave cordially towards me, but not enough for them to include me in their social life. I could sense that beyond school, my classmates are not willing to spend anymore time with me.
It just hurts badly each someone I asked out (be it a gal IÂ’m interested in or an old friend) turns me down in a polite and friendly way. Neither would they ever contact me backÂ… the answer is so subtle but obvious enough. My problem is not about striving for the love of one particular person, but rather I feel rejected by the world at large sometimes.
I know my problems most probably stems from my immense inferiority complex and being too emotional/sensitive. I’ve tried hard to “change” certain aspects of myself, tried expanding my social circle but these negative traits seem deeply embedded in my personality.
What can I realistically do now? Over the past 3-4 years, I’ve observed my mood swinging like a pendulum. During periods of ‘high’ I would try to work on improving my life. The negative response from people around me coupled with a low mood would swiftly drive me back into a depressive, loner mode.
Sometimes i just feel so overwhelmed by all these that i can do nothing but lie bed with a blank mind...
i appreciate the time taken to read this lengthy & somewhat complicated post... thanx a lot -
sometimes there is no one around to pull you up but yourself...you have to know that all this is bullsh!t and you live your own live...
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You should be proud of yourself. Everyone are champions, you know? You were the first Sp3rm that entered to the egg and came to this world. No one are born losers, man... You should enjoy your life and love who you are. You have to search for happiness, don't just detest yourself... When there is faith, there is hope
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pete_parker
Try asking a group of people to go out together. It is much easier to get others out that way. In additional, it is easier to 'break the ice' when engaging in group activities.
People reject an offer to go out for various reasons, it is not necessary be that they do not like going out with you. Maybe they are just busy. Try contacting them again who knows what will happen.
Everyone is unique in a way, no one is similar to the other. I do not see why is there a need to compare yourself with others.(your relatives,your friends)
In most cases, sense of inferiority and insecurity sets in when the one compare themselves with someone of higher status. For example, comparing themselves with their elder brother or relatives.
There bound to be high and low; up and down in our lives, instead of being defeated by them why not treat them as a learning experience? I'm sure if you are able to walk out of this, you will gain and benefit.
To end this, I wish you all the best.
Cheers -
God loves u just the way u r !
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Why do you think that you will be happy when you are attached, I mean being single has it's benefits and being attached might not be happy for you. So my advice to you is enjoy the singlehood days and one day you will get attached believe men such things will come to you, you don't go to them. And so what if you are short? There is nothing wrong with being short buddy.
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stay focused on ur strengths .......
and u will feel GREAT .....
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i thought you are talking about me....
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Time's not right yet I think ?
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HmmmÂ….. as you know already majority of your prob lies in your inferiority complex.
Try and figure out what is it about yourself that makes you feel u cannot match up to others. Is it just the fact you are single? Is it because u donÂ’t like your physique?
The way to improve on your inferiority complex is to not focus on the ‘bad’ points that you can’t change… eg. Being short.
Try to change the things u do not like about yourself, like if you are overweight, try and exercise moreÂ…
Focus on the things that you know you are good at. Give yourself credits for your strengthsÂ…
Finding a partner is not easyÂ… some singles I know have the best of personalities and are good looking as wellÂ… why are they not attached? Time is not right yet I guessÂ…
Emotional detachment from ppl : u mention that you’re likeable…. But “not enough for them to include me in their social life” well what happens most of the time is that you must learn to connect with ppl. Like for an example, I got to know a gal who’s a friend of a friend… I’m friendly with her but we never really just talk, so one night we were meeting up with a group of friends… but unfortunately the rest of the group will be pretty late, hence it’s just the two of us… I panicked inside…. Never being alone with her (whom I found a tad bit intimidating) I was worried we will have nothing to chat about and be miserable in each other’s company…
But as we sat down and begin to talkÂ… we just chatted about everything under the sunÂ… she told me of her likes, dislikes, her life and I told her about mineÂ…. And I confessed that I was a little worried about meeting with her earlier and she felt the same, she thought I was friendly but just still pretty cold, as we werenÂ’t that closeÂ…. Things changed since that night, we became genuine friends.
You have to learn to not just talk to ppl but to connect with themÂ…
You mention that when u try to ask them out they always find some way to refuseÂ…
Think about it, can it be something you say or act that put ppl off? I have friends who talk without thinking and itÂ’s offending, they are still my friends but if I were to just gotten to know them, I may not wish to get to know them too wellÂ…
Surround yourself with friends who are frank. Brutally honest who will tell you when you sound like a jerkÂ…
ThatÂ’s all I can think of nowÂ…
I too have inferiority complex. And I also have my high and lowsÂ…. But IÂ’ve learn to give myself more credit. And remember no one is perfect, and do not compare yourself or what u have with anyone else. -
hey
though you may say that i will not understand how you feel, i just want to tell you that you are in no way inferior to others okay? So what if you are short, only those who judge you based on your height are meanie monsters who do not deserve any bit of our attention. You have to believe in yourself, that you are not any bit as awful as you make yourself to be. LIve your own life, the time will come when your partner will appear. Meanwhile just live your own life okay, its nothing shameful to be a bachelor or a spinster. The most important thing is that you must be happy. I know its easier said than done but just try wont you? Life is so short, dont waste it moping away
All the best ! -
I think yours is an identity crisis more than anything. Have you ever wondered by whose standards are you measuring your "inferior" self against? And on what basis do you conclude such yardsticks to be the appropriate benchmarks to be measured against? Look, if you were talking in pure academic terms, I suppose I could still understand if you failed to measure up in terms of your grades(at least, there's something tangible even though it might not be a comprehensive and accurate reflection of one's ability), but how you could find an 'acceptable standard' to measure your personality and character is just beyond me. Taking your last point about emotional detachment as an example, it's pretty obvious there isn't a particular type of person who would fit into all sorts of social setting - case in point : oftentimes, a talkative person is unlikely to get on with a quiet one without the pair ever regretting not getting to know the other party(quite simply, the quiet one will probably view the loquacious chap as being too noisy for his liking and likewise, the talkative chap viewing the quiet bloke as too reserved for him). Hence, is there even a realistic chance of having a 'perfect' conversationalist who could appeal to both the quiet and the talkative chap? You just can't ever please everyone in life, can you?
First and foremost, I think you need to resolve that ambivalent dilemma more than anything - what is it you really want and what are the things which constitute being acceptable?
Personally, I don't see how this "IÂ’m likeable enough for most friends to behave cordially towards me, but not enough for them to include me in their social life" syndrome should ever affect anyone. The reason being human relations and chemistry between people work in such subtle ways I don't believe going out of your way to fit into the culture of others is ever a solution to your problem, even if it's fuelled by a deep sense of insecurity. I mean if you had some common interests with those whose social circles you're trying to be a part of, I can't see why they wouldn't want you in them. That said, if you're not a part of their social circles simply because you do not share their culture(which is most probably the case anyway), then I don't see why you should feel desperate(and dejected when you don't succeed) to be a part of the group either. In truth, you're probably better off not being a part of someone's life with which you cannot really identify with and feel miserable being anything but yourself just to accomodate him/her.
Don't read me the wrong way though because I'm not trying to encourage you to be anti-social by any stretch of the imagination, but I think it is imperative you understand(and this isn't rocket science ) that it is not likely you'll find an intellectual in the company of street thugs; a teetotaller in the company of alcoholics; or an atheist in the company of preists. In essence, do mingle with people if company is what you seek - however, do not feel compelled(and deem yourself a failure in the process) to fit in with a particular group if there is simply no chemistry between you and those whose lives you wish to be a part of. I'm sure there're enough people out there for you to find those who share your interests, passion and values.
I suppose if you could resolve the ambivalence in you, points 2 and 3(ie.relationship and emotional detachment) will pretty much take care of themselves. When that happens, I don't see how you could be that bothered by your physique anyway given you'd probably feel more confident and less inferior.
As Bill Clinton famously remarked, "Life is shaped by the opportunities you turn down as well as by those you seize." -
Hey dont feel that bad ok i was exactly going through what you are going through.
It takes time and effort. I suppose you should try to mingle in a group rather than focus on one friend or two. For the girl u like, try to engage her in a group outing which is much better and would not feel awkward for both parties.
Attempt to know much more people other than your social group, start to talk to people. In this way, you would more likely to meet a mind-like buddy or friend.
Well... I suppose you should be quite young right?? These will change after you enter the cell named as NS. -
lol
i have roughly the same prob as u...i always feel inferior cause i m small size,short, too shy n got this "sl u t tering "prob
How short can u be lol..sure taler than my 165cm rite lol...Height cant be altered , just have to accept it
Size/Physique can be improved..Wad have u done to improve yr size/physique? Care to share with us? My suggestion is going to gym n taking supplements if u can afford...Ever since i got improvements in this area, my confidence did become abit better..so why not try it yrself? -
R u going to sit there and whin,whin??? It's time for u to lift from yr chair and do something abt it..
Go Gym and train up yr physics. U maynot have the height but u can build up yr muscles or get rid of those unsightful fats..
Get some self improvement books on socialising skill and most important practice what it preach. Don't be a whip and feel embarass following the advise given.
Finally,u just have to take out the courage and go for the courtship if u met yr idea gal. Sad to say,those fairy tales of gal taking initiatives and asking for yr hand is bullshit. YOU R THE ONE that needs to take the first steps,YOU R THE ONE going to learn how to court a gal. U may make many errors and embarassing moments and suffer many failures but trust me ! All this is part of learning in life and growing up. When the moment u succeed it,u will feel a sense of achievement and nvr regret u r the one taking the first step and doing all the things!
It is NVR EASY but will nvr happen if u keep whinning and thinking abt life is so unfair. IT WILL ONLY HAPPEN IF U DECIDE TO TAKE ACTION AND DO SOMETHING ABT IT. -
Hey take it slow. If you have just one friend, use him as a springboard to build up acquaintances. If you've shut off yourself from the world at large (not too uncommon in modern Singapore), join a club, church, community service, c.c. lessons or something that gets you in touch with people in a naturally friendly environment.
People will reach out and help you get along.
Cheers and Good Luck.
PS: You might want to work on retouching up your social skills before trying to get a girl. Learn to walk first then run
And to the dude upstairs, going to the gym is not the solution to everything. 
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I got say going to gym is everything meh? U got understanding problem is it?Originally posted by kivichio:PS: You might want to work on retouching up your social skills before trying to get a girl. Learn to walk first then run And to the dude upstairs, going to the gym is not the solution to everything. -
[quote]Originally posted by thelesis:
[b]You should be proud of yourself. Everyone are champions, you know? You were the first Sp3rm that entered to the egg and came to this world.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nice example for encouragement. Will use this line in future -
yo!
u dun have to worry!
everyone have their insecurity and inferiority!
i am working hard on my!
so r u !
let work together!
try initative and asking out in a group!
maybe it will helP! I think! -
isn't the world so selfish.......this is a common sight i see.........anyway no need to feel so bad............you are not the only one.............
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Hi thanx to everyone who repliedÂ… really really appreciate the effort and kindness behind it
Jus to answer to some of the questions: I’m basically a 24 yo studying in a local institution…. When the July semester starts (just finished my exams last week), it will be the final year of my degree course… and probably the final year of my life as a student. This is partially the reason why I felt the impetus to “re-think” my life... it’ll be a shame to waste this period wallowing in misery and depression. I know I’ll never “enjoy” the life of being a student in a campus after I graduate
“Enjoy” in a paradoxical sense ‘cos I actually enjoyed the routine of being a student, mixing with people of the same age in a relatively simple environment (as opposed to working). Sadly, I’m so torn apart by my internal struggle and lack of affection/care from people whom I actually cared a lot for e.g. my old friends, the gal I like. Sometimes it feels like I’m in a one-sided relationship, only thing I’m not neglected by a lover, but rejected by the world at large….
Here are a few questions which I would like some advices:
Should I just try to “forget” all my problems and enjoy my life… however it turn out?? Like I mentioned, I get along with my classmates and project members (my course is largely project-based) in a superficial, friendly way. During the limited hours at school, I’ve a few frens whom I can joke & chat with. It’s just that they are attached and have their own cliques outside sch… so I routinely feel a fleeting loneliness during the moment immediately after class ends…
Like most weekends & hols, IÂ’ve absolutely no one I could look forward to spend my time withÂ… I plan to work part-time & take up a course during the coming hols. ItÂ’s not being alone, but the reasons behind my isolation which bugs meÂ… am I so worthless that people are so reluctant to spend time with me? guess itÂ’s a subtle but hurting feeling which only loner like myself can identify withÂ…
How should I go about “improving” my life? Today, I plucked up my courage to ask 2 different old friends out this week, but they were apparently not free (it’s habitual). A few “rejections” is probably trivial, but please understand from my “loser” perspective--- any setback is devastating ‘cos I’ve no emotional support at all, I just return home to my parents, my room that’s all.
I used to (and Still do) think: If i was really "Normal" and "Nice" like how some of u kind souls and my friends reflected to me, why do i've to undergo such abnormal and arduous effort just to find company??
Once again thanx for readin -
Friendly is friendly... Stop thinking of 'superficial' friendly..? Anything SPECIFIC happened which cause you to label them as that? (other than the fact that people could be busy with their own lives...?) Making such 'definitions' are really the only reason why they are 'superficial'... Not to mention that you're making yourself think too narrowly and possibly even in a very shallow manner....Originally posted by pete_parker:Hi thanx to everyone who repliedÂ… really really appreciate the effort and kindness behind it
Jus to answer to some of the questions: I’m basically a 24 yo studying in a local institution…. When the July semester starts (just finished my exams last week), it will be the final year of my degree course… and probably the final year of my life as a student. This is partially the reason why I felt the impetus to “re-think” my life... it’ll be a shame to waste this period wallowing in misery and depression. I know I’ll never “enjoy” the life of being a student in a campus after I graduate
“Enjoy” in a paradoxical sense ‘cos I actually enjoyed the routine of being a student, mixing with people of the same age in a relatively simple environment (as opposed to working). Sadly, I’m so torn apart by my internal struggle and lack of affection/care from people whom I actually cared a lot for e.g. my old friends, the gal I like. Sometimes it feels like I’m in a one-sided relationship, only thing I’m not neglected by a lover, but rejected by the world at large….
Here are a few questions which I would like some advices:
Should I just try to “forget” all my problems and enjoy my life… however it turn out?? Like I mentioned, I get along with my classmates and project members (my course is largely project-based) in a superficial, friendly way. During the limited hours at school, I’ve a few frens whom I can joke & chat with. It’s just that they are attached and have their own cliques outside sch… so I routinely feel a fleeting loneliness during the moment immediately after class ends…
Like most weekends & hols, IÂ’ve absolutely no one I could look forward to spend my time withÂ… I plan to work part-time & take up a course during the coming hols. ItÂ’s not being alone, but the reasons behind my isolation which bugs meÂ… am I so worthless that people are so reluctant to spend time with me? guess itÂ’s a subtle but hurting feeling which only loner like myself can identify withÂ…
How should I go about “improving” my life? Today, I plucked up my courage to ask 2 different old friends out this week, but they were apparently not free (it’s habitual). A few “rejections” is probably trivial, but please understand from my “loser” perspective--- any setback is devastating ‘cos I’ve no emotional support at all, I just return home to my parents, my room that’s all.
I used to (and Still do) think: If i was really "Normal" and "Nice" like how some of u kind souls and my friends reflected to me, why do i've to undergo such abnormal and arduous effort just to find company??
Once again thanx for readin
UNDERSTAND... The fact that you're feeling bored / lonely / unoccupied has not much to do with how your friends are living their lives...
1. Find things to do. You've got nothing to do because you're not looking for things to do. With or without to accompany you. I used to be quite a loner (in fact to an extent, I still am) but I was never really lonely... Your life is how ya arrange it to be... And likelihood would be that most activities you choose to do would probably involve PEOPLE in one way or another to an extent... That's why INTERACTIONS come in... And REMEMBER. Those are NOT 'superficial' unless you're treating them as so....
2. Find closer group(s) If you have an activity which involves a group (kakis) which would enjoy it with you.. There.. You've got part of your life already... Otherwise, meet around people... Widen your social circle... I'm quite sure after a while you would just find people you can stick around with or a group which you can be 'attached' to...? But REMEMBER one great possible hindrance is YOUR OWN MENTALITY... If your thinking always SHIELD you from the others... You can easily guess why people are not so convinced why they should be sticking around with you...
Don't worry... You're probably normal... You're going through so much effort likely because you're trying too hard but in a wrong way..... -
thank you
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Well some people are lucky in life some are not. Instead of worrying about this things, why not focus on your career and earn more $$$? Money might not be everything but it certainly can help to open a lot of doors