Relationship in gray area: Advance or retreat?
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Absent for a few months from this forum. Now crawling back for advice after hitting a deadlock again.
I'm not ashamed to admit my love life is as barren as the desert but I'm making effort to change myself and get a life, though still not reaping any rewards from it yet.
I realised I was a no-life bum who would just stay home on weekends and work on weekdays. So I changed myself. I started to go out, be more worldly and be engaged in some activities such as hiking, watching movies and doing window shopping in shopping malls on weekends instead of sleeping at home or hiding behind the computer to surf the Net.
A couple of months back, I got to know a girl when we attended course together. She was shy, quiet and introverted and bespectacled, so looks more like a girl-next-door than a hot babe that everyone would queue up for. But she caught my attention. We got to know each other a little better and exchanged contact information.
I'm a shy guy and I would never had summon my guts to date someone out previously. But I don't know where I got my guts from and I dated her out. Since then, we have gone out for 3 times to catch movies and have meals alone after work. And I made it a point to see her home each time.
Once, she came over to my cubicle to say hello when she saw me there. And during a lunch organised by the company, she came over and stood next to me to talk to me when I stuck with my group of colleagues from my own project team. But then she never initiates any conversation over MSN if she sees me online and we've never talked for days. It was always me who initiates conversations and dates. But she was always obliging and cheery when I do.
She has not indicated she likes me. Yet I'm not sure if she's waiting for me to initiate something. So I'm in the gray area. I've dated her a couple of times and although I might not have "performed" well on our dates, I showed her the due respect and treated her well to the best of my ability.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm clueless, lost and at a deadend as to what to do next. It seems like I'm in a quagmire - neither advancing nor retreating but stuck at a point. I'm wondering if it is time that I should just do the ultimate and make clear to her about my feeling so that she can:
[*] Reject me straightaway if she's not interested or already attached
[*] Keep me on waiting list
[*] Accept me
How? It has been 3 months...And I cannot be a irritating parasite to pester her to go out with me every week as well. -
Originally posted by social_misfit:Absent for a few months from this forum. Now crawling back for advice after hitting a deadlock again.
I'm not ashamed to admit my love life is as barren as the desert but I'm making effort to change myself and get a life, though still not reaping any rewards from it yet.
I realised I was a no-life bum who would just stay home on weekends and work on weekdays. So I changed myself. I started to go out, be more worldly and be engaged in some activities such as hiking, watching movies and doing window shopping in shopping malls on weekends instead of sleeping at home or hiding behind the computer to surf the Net.
A couple of months back, I got to know a girl when we attended course together. She was shy, quiet and introverted and bespectacled, so looks more like a girl-next-door than a hot babe that everyone would queue up for. But she caught my attention. We got to know each other a little better and exchanged contact information.
I'm a shy guy and I would never had summon my guts to date someone out previously. But I don't know where I got my guts from and I dated her out. Since then, we have gone out for 3 times to catch movies and have meals alone after work. And I made it a point to see her home each time.
Once, she came over to my cubicle to say hello when she saw me there. And during a lunch organised by the company, she came over and stood next to me to talk to me when I stuck with my group of colleagues from my own project team. But then she never initiates any conversation over MSN if she sees me online and we've never talked for days. It was always me who initiates conversations and dates. But she was always obliging and cheery when I do.
She has not indicated she likes me. Yet I'm not sure if she's waiting for me to initiate something. So I'm in the gray area. I've dated her a couple of times and although I might not have "performed" well on our dates, I showed her the due respect and treated her well to the best of my ability.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm clueless, lost and at a deadend as to what to do next. It seems like I'm in a quagmire - neither advancing nor retreating but stuck at a point. I'm wondering if it is time that I should just do the ultimate and make clear to her about my feeling so that she can:
[*] Reject me straightaway if she's not interested or already attached
[*] Keep me on waiting list
[*] Accept me
How? It has been 3 months...And I cannot be a irritating parasite to pester her to go out with me every week as well.
That's strange.
Why would you think that you are an irritating parasite pestering her to go out every week?
Why wouldn't you think that it is quality time spent with people (a.k.a friends) worth going out with? I mean if she accept your dates, it goes to show that she relatively enjoys your company isn't it? You can't be going out with someone you are annoyed with, could you?
You are walking along the right direction. You could maintain status quo to deepen your spell or cast it if you think it is the right time to do so.
Since you have mentioned that you have evolve your lifestyle, learn to appreciate those new routes you have just began.
Cheers -
you like her?
or is it just some crush or hope that you will have a girlfriend? -
keep it slow and steady.
she hasn't rejected u so far, so u are doing well neh. -
hi social_misfit,
u gonna be straightforward..
pop the question to her..
ask her if sheÂ’s interested in u.. -
all of us here r supporting u..
jus do it.. -
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hey bro go for it.. we support u!
maybe it's time for u to pop the qn... maybe she's waitin for u to ask her too... 
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Try shifting the direction of the datings a little... Try to get a little more comfortable with her... Drop little hintings along the way and see how she react...?Originally posted by social_misfit:Absent for a few months from this forum. Now crawling back for advice after hitting a deadlock again.
I'm not ashamed to admit my love life is as barren as the desert but I'm making effort to change myself and get a life, though still not reaping any rewards from it yet.
I realised I was a no-life bum who would just stay home on weekends and work on weekdays. So I changed myself. I started to go out, be more worldly and be engaged in some activities such as hiking, watching movies and doing window shopping in shopping malls on weekends instead of sleeping at home or hiding behind the computer to surf the Net.
A couple of months back, I got to know a girl when we attended course together. She was shy, quiet and introverted and bespectacled, so looks more like a girl-next-door than a hot babe that everyone would queue up for. But she caught my attention. We got to know each other a little better and exchanged contact information.
I'm a shy guy and I would never had summon my guts to date someone out previously. But I don't know where I got my guts from and I dated her out. Since then, we have gone out for 3 times to catch movies and have meals alone after work. And I made it a point to see her home each time.
Once, she came over to my cubicle to say hello when she saw me there. And during a lunch organised by the company, she came over and stood next to me to talk to me when I stuck with my group of colleagues from my own project team. But then she never initiates any conversation over MSN if she sees me online and we've never talked for days. It was always me who initiates conversations and dates. But she was always obliging and cheery when I do.
She has not indicated she likes me. Yet I'm not sure if she's waiting for me to initiate something. So I'm in the gray area. I've dated her a couple of times and although I might not have "performed" well on our dates, I showed her the due respect and treated her well to the best of my ability.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm clueless, lost and at a deadend as to what to do next. It seems like I'm in a quagmire - neither advancing nor retreating but stuck at a point. I'm wondering if it is time that I should just do the ultimate and make clear to her about my feeling so that she can:
[*] Reject me straightaway if she's not interested or already attached
[*] Keep me on waiting list
[*] Accept me
How? It has been 3 months...And I cannot be a irritating parasite to pester her to go out with me every week as well. -
try this giving her flowers or a nice present even is not for her bd.Originally posted by social_misfit:Absent for a few months from this forum. Now crawling back for advice after hitting a deadlock again.
I'm not ashamed to admit my love life is as barren as the desert but I'm making effort to change myself and get a life, though still not reaping any rewards from it yet.
I realised I was a no-life bum who would just stay home on weekends and work on weekdays. So I changed myself. I started to go out, be more worldly and be engaged in some activities such as hiking, watching movies and doing window shopping in shopping malls on weekends instead of sleeping at home or hiding behind the computer to surf the Net.
A couple of months back, I got to know a girl when we attended course together. She was shy, quiet and introverted and bespectacled, so looks more like a girl-next-door than a hot babe that everyone would queue up for. But she caught my attention. We got to know each other a little better and exchanged contact information.
I'm a shy guy and I would never had summon my guts to date someone out previously. But I don't know where I got my guts from and I dated her out. Since then, we have gone out for 3 times to catch movies and have meals alone after work. And I made it a point to see her home each time.
Once, she came over to my cubicle to say hello when she saw me there. And during a lunch organised by the company, she came over and stood next to me to talk to me when I stuck with my group of colleagues from my own project team. But then she never initiates any conversation over MSN if she sees me online and we've never talked for days. It was always me who initiates conversations and dates. But she was always obliging and cheery when I do.
She has not indicated she likes me. Yet I'm not sure if she's waiting for me to initiate something. So I'm in the gray area. I've dated her a couple of times and although I might not have "performed" well on our dates, I showed her the due respect and treated her well to the best of my ability.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm clueless, lost and at a deadend as to what to do next. It seems like I'm in a quagmire - neither advancing nor retreating but stuck at a point. I'm wondering if it is time that I should just do the ultimate and make clear to her about my feeling so that she can:
[*] Reject me straightaway if she's not interested or already attached
[*] Keep me on waiting list
[*] Accept me
How? It has been 3 months...And I cannot be a irritating parasite to pester her to go out with me every week as well.
Is the best you can do -
Inform her that you enjoy spending time with her.. And then see what she says. That way, its a subtle indication in which you can judge her reactions.
Ask her how she feels about spending more time with you, cos you really like spending time with her, for the next step.
If the above 2 statements go well, then I guess you're getting there. If those 2 go great, maybe you can try holding her hand and see how it goes.
Taking her hand and not asking would be the best approach. At most you kenna slap only
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at least u got a date... my snoobish keep finding excuse nt to see movie using my coins...
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My experience tells me she is keeping you on the list. See if there is anyone better than you comes by.
So do not waste your time on her. She is not matured in her relationship. -
u dun anihow advise la~ maybe she is jus too shy.Originally posted by antoh:My experience tells me she is keeping you on the list. See if there is anyone better than you comes by.
So do not waste your time on her. She is not matured in her relationship. -
I gonna say this..
she agree to go out with u means uÂ’ve hope..
so go for it..
dun miss it..
gd luck.. -
Continue at that pace! Jia you!
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advance if you think you can win
and have a strategy to win -
since U know the "worst" outcome that can happen...what's holding U back?
[*] Reject me straightaway if she's not interested or already attached -
OK. I managed to get another date with her. But I've not told her about how I feel yet. But I do feel threatened and jealous when I think about losing her to another guy.
Anyway, I think it's kind of a rushed decision to just want to jump into a relationship. All in all, we've only 3 movie dates so far and I need more time as well to get to know her better to see how committed I am as well.
My frustration is more about how to move into the next higher level, to be her good friend and be more involved in her life. For now, we've not yet moved beyond friends who come out occassionally, say once a month. I do wonder how to expand the variety of things we can do and increase the frequency of our dates.
I think the answer will be clearer if I can ever move beyond the current stage. I certainly hope that one day I can be at least her good friend whom she can confide in and invite out to share in her activities. -
the fact that she accepted your dates meant that she is interested, so dun fretOriginally posted by social_misfit:OK. I managed to get another date with her. But I've not told her about how I feel yet. But I do feel threatened and jealous when I think about losing her to another guy.
Anyway, I think it's kind of a rushed decision to just want to jump into a relationship. All in all, we've only 3 movie dates so far and I need more time as well to get to know her better to see how committed I am as well.
My frustration is more about how to move into the next higher level, to be her good friend and be more involved in her life. For now, we've not yet moved beyond friends who come out occassionally, say once a month. I do wonder how to expand the variety of things we can do and increase the frequency of our dates.
I think the answer will be clearer if I can ever move beyond the current stage. I certainly hope that one day I can be at least her good friend whom she can confide in and invite out to share in her activities.
try telling her what you are saying to us now i.e. " I think it's a kind of a rushed decision to jump into a r/s but i do feel threatened and jealous when I think abt losing you to another guy.... " and about your frustration..
You'll be surprised, think she will be touched by your sincerity.
At least I am...
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After agreeing to see a movie but never fixed a date, over a weekend, she told me that she has seen the show we agreed to see. So she suggested another movie in July instead.Originally posted by 1bigmess:the fact that she accepted your dates meant that she is interested, so dun fret
try telling her what you are saying to us now i.e. " I think it's a kind of a rushed decision to jump into a r/s but i do feel threatened and jealous when I think abt losing you to another guy.... " and about your frustration..
You'll be surprised, think she will be touched by your sincerity.
At least I am...
Today I tried to update and check with her on when we may probably see the show in July, now then she told me she will be going overseas with her friends on a tour in mid-July. And suggested we can still see the show end of July or beginning August or if no longer showing, another movie.
I'm now starting to wonder if she's too nice to turn me down, agreeing to go out first and then delaying when the dates get nearer when she feels uncomfortable going out with me.
Until now, I haven't had the chance to meet her and speak to her about how I feel. Now I have the guts, but not the chance.
Does this spell doom for me?
Sometimes, I really wonder if it's time to be upfront and ask her point-blank whether she feels uncomfortable going out with me. On one hand, I don't want to keep pestering her if she really doesn't want to go out with me, so I need to know how she really feel. On the other hand, it may make me appear as if I cannot be understanding enough to accomodate her.
The waiting game is getting agonisingly painful. The problem is: I don't know what is really going on. If she's genuninely interested in going out with me, I don't mind waiting. However, if she's using the delaying tactics to avoid going out with me, then no point continuing to pester her. -
Hmm... For a moment here, I should say you're really thinking too much... I would advise you to hold your horses and not imagine too many things..Originally posted by social_misfit:After agreeing to see a movie but never fixed a date, over a weekend, she told me that she has seen the show we agreed to see. So she suggested another movie in July instead.
Today I tried to update and check with her on when we may probably see the show in July, now then she told me she will be going overseas with her friends on a tour in mid-July. And suggested we can still see the show end of July or beginning August or if no longer showing, another movie.
I'm now starting to wonder if she's too nice to turn me down, agreeing to go out first and then delaying when the dates get nearer when she feels uncomfortable going out with me.
Until now, I haven't had the chance to meet her and speak to her about how I feel. Now I have the guts, but not the chance.
Does this spell doom for me?
Sometimes, I really wonder if it's time to be upfront and ask her point-blank whether she feels uncomfortable going out with me. On one hand, I don't want to keep pestering her if she really doesn't want to go out with me, so I need to know how she really feel. On the other hand, it may make me appear as if I cannot be understanding enough to accomodate her.
The waiting game is getting agonisingly painful. The problem is: I don't know what is really going on. If she's genuninely interested in going out with me, I don't mind waiting. However, if she's using the delaying tactics to avoid going out with me, then no point continuing to pester her.
Increase meet ups if you want to (and if you can?), but take rejections in the face and not be a sore-loser pls...?
Personally, whether you're getting it or not... I don't think you're ready for this relationship yet... You painfully lack control over yourself just standing by the side of this incoming alone... If it really happens to bloom into something more, I can hardly see how you're gonna be handling it well...? -
i do not know about you but I was in your situation before my problem.. it was the fear of rejection holding me back from asking for her hand.... I feel the same way like you do in the first date... so its natural...
In a nut shell just be confident and move forward and accept the result whatever will be ...will be ! -
I think a prevalent trait that I've observed among Asians in general(basically those brought up in an Asian culture) - and I'm not just talking about girls - is the lack of want to take an initiative in forging inter-personal relationships(and I don't just mean boy-girl ones). Having studied and worked in many parts of the world myself, I do feel that is often a major obstacle which prevents strong bonds from being formed.Originally posted by social_misfit:I'm a shy guy and I would never had summon my guts to date someone out previously. But I don't know where I got my guts from and I dated her out. Since then, we have gone out for 3 times to catch movies and have meals alone after work. And I made it a point to see her home each time.
Once, she came over to my cubicle to say hello when she saw me there. And during a lunch organised by the company, she came over and stood next to me to talk to me when I stuck with my group of colleagues from my own project team. But then she never initiates any conversation over MSN if she sees me online and we've never talked for days. It was always me who initiates conversations and dates. But she was always obliging and cheery when I do.
She has not indicated she likes me. Yet I'm not sure if she's waiting for me to initiate something. So I'm in the gray area. I've dated her a couple of times and although I might not have "performed" well on our dates, I showed her the due respect and treated her well to the best of my ability.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm clueless, lost and at a deadend as to what to do next. It seems like I'm in a quagmire - neither advancing nor retreating but stuck at a point. I'm wondering if it is time that I should just do the ultimate and make clear to her about my feeling so that she can:
[*] Reject me straightaway if she's not interested or already attached
[*] Keep me on waiting list
[*] Accept me
How? It has been 3 months...And I cannot be a irritating parasite to pester her to go out with me every week as well.
Back to your issue . If this(the part where you lament she doesn't take much initiative to start a conversation or ask you out and you had to do everything) hadn't been described in an Asian context, then it'd probably mean she has no interest in you. That said, I don't think her body language(or lack thereof) should put you off just yet - as many have already said on this thread, the fact that she has been willing to go out with you should leave you with some hope. Then again, how and what you're prepared to do with this 'hope' also depends on you - are you prepared to be the one initiating things every time for the foreseeable future, for instance? In essence, I think you need to reassess your objectives(ie.how far you're prepared to go to win her over) in this endeavour and re-strategise your moves to attain what you want. Nevertheless, just keep in mind that her body language may not indicate a disinterest in you.
Personally, such a problem has never - and in all likelihood, will never - plague me simply because I've never believed in any sort of a relationship where both parties are not prepared to move on to "the next level" mutually(so basically, I wouldn't even see myself having a future with someone who doesn't want/bother/dare to take the initiative to initiate something with me
). -
yar! but don be too direct or she will freak out. let her know ur feelings for her then she may open up to you. gook luck!Originally posted by HolySniper:hey bro go for it.. we support u! maybe it's time for u to pop the qn... maybe she's waitin for u to ask her too...