Need some advice (g/f problem)
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As some forumers might have read/replied my post regarding "How much is needed??" for getting married...
From there i sure you can tell that i'm getting married soon...
With the Bridal Shoot booked, and the banquent venue confirming soon...
I just ended a terrible phone conversation with my g/f(wife-to-be)
What are we talking about???
As we haven't gotten a place of our own, chances are she will be staying with me after the Actual Day. As i'm a more family kinda person, i was hoping that she could take the initaitive to talk to my mother. Hoping that they could "actually" get along, and not be like those horrible threads of "crazy mother in laws" that i read in those brides' forums...
Is it too much to ask???
Yes, my mother is a difficult person, i know that first hand from being brought up my her for 26 years...
But i also know her well enough to know that she's just like a durian...
spikey on the outside, but soft and fleshy in the inside...
Just that she takes time to warm up to anybody...
Is it too much to ask for more communication between the two of them?
Is it just because my mother gave a bad initial impression to my g/f before, she could jolly well chose to not try any kind of communication with her???
Of course, i should also ask my mum to talk to my g/f more....
I believe it takes two hands to clap...but if neither hand even try to make an effort...never will the clap materialise...
I don't know...
Of course the best scenerio wil be move out as soon as we get married,
but to me, it's like sweeping the dirt under the carpet, it's still gonna be there...
it's not solving the problem at all...
Any advice???
Sorry for the long post... -
Have you told your mum you are getting married? Have you told your girlfriend that since you 2 have not got a house prepared, she will most likely stay with you after you 2 tied the knot?
Are you prepared for the WHOLE thing? Marriage is a totally different living condition compared to dating. There are changes you and the people involved are going to face.
Are you ready for it? Are they ready for it? -
u champ la... tis kind of thing is the first to plan n u waited till now.... nt every gal dream of staying with mother-in-law lo... so be prepare for lotsssss of talking... if the initial talk with ur gf failed, i suggest u to give up ur dream cos it will only make things worst if u try tis approach... put all ur wedding stuff on hold n plan the future with ur wife first...Originally posted by ~Numb~:As some forumers might have read/replied my post regarding "How much is needed??" for getting married...
From there i sure you can tell that i'm getting married soon...
With the Bridal Shoot booked, and the banquent venue confirming soon...
I just ended a terrible phone conversation with my g/f(wife-to-be)
What are we talking about???
As we haven't gotten a place of our own, chances are she will be staying with me after the Actual Day. As i'm a more family kinda person, i was hoping that she could take the initaitive to talk to my mother. Hoping that they could "actually" get along, and not be like those horrible threads of "crazy mother in laws" that i read in those brides' forums...
Is it too much to ask???
Yes, my mother is a difficult person, i know that first hand from being brought up my her for 26 years...
But i also know her well enough to know that she's just like a durian...
spikey on the outside, but soft and fleshy in the inside...
Just that she takes time to warm up to anybody...
Is it too much to ask for more communication between the two of them?
Is it just because my mother gave a bad initial impression to my g/f before, she could jolly well chose to not try any kind of communication with her???
Of course, i should also ask my mum to talk to my g/f more....
I believe it takes two hands to clap...but if neither hand even try to make an effort...never will the clap materialise...
I don't know...
Of course the best scenerio wil be move out as soon as we get married,
but to me, it's like sweeping the dirt under the carpet, it's still gonna be there...
it's not solving the problem at all...
Any advice???
Sorry for the long post... -
your wife to be must be "once bitten, twice shy"
BTW, r u the only child? -
Of course i had told my mother about the marriage...
I'm really to spend the rest of my life with my g/f
thus the decision to get married of cos...
Yes we talked about the likelyhood of staying with my folks after the marriage if we can't find out own place yet.
She's okay with it...
But what i don't want is...
1 hide here, another hide there...or the talk only when necessary kind of situation...one is my mum and other is my wife...
Can't we all just get along???
Yes, in a way you can say she's "once bitten, twice shy"
But i don't get it how you can be using this sentence here???
Does it mean that, you don't succeed once, you stop totally???
C'mon that's not how you do things in life right???
Unless i can see that it's my mum who's not responsing, of course i will ask my wife to stop trying...
Not asking her to give in all the time also...
Nope, i have a younger brother... -
When you dated her, have you brought her to your family enough times to make contact with your parents so they can communicate well? Likewise have you been to her family side to build up the relationship on that side?
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Um, actually hor, spouse and in-laws relationship always very hard to avoid 1. Communication between them b4 marriage is one thing, living under the same roof is another. My mom was on very gd terms with my ex, always talk heart to heart. But my mom told me, if get married (which will not happen anymore
), she wun wan to live with my ex. The reason she give is "aiyah this type of thing hard to say 1 ma, better to avoid 1st".
anyway... back to topic. If they wan to ignore each other, the only thing u can do is to help bridge the communication barrier lo. AND try to move out ASAP
I know flats aren't cheap, but get a small flat 1st or smthing lo. -
Nobody wants to live with in-laws lah.
Face it.
Why so hurried(wedding)?
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Yeah i brought her home of course, we even went on a oversea trip together...Originally posted by Bontakun:When you dated her, have you brought her to your family enough times to make contact with your parents so they can communicate well? Likewise have you been to her family side to build up the relationship on that side?
but it's just the same, no talk unless necessary lor...
I'm a pretty open person, so i try to talk to her folks when i'm over...
so it's pretty alright for me...
I'm not expecting those 'heart-to-heart' talks, that will be like asking for the sky...
i'm just wish that sometimes they can just have direct communication, instead of having to go through me... don't like to be the middle man...
looks like i have to accept the fact that wife and in-laws can't be merry with each other...
Yeah, seems like moving out far far away is the best lah...
far away from my folks and near hers...
That will definitely solve the problem.... -
Try falling a little sick one day and let BOTH of them take care of you... Best if you're hospitalised or something...?Originally posted by ~Numb~:Yeah i brought her home of course, we even went on a oversea trip together...
but it's just the same, no talk unless necessary lor...
I'm a pretty open person, so i try to talk to her folks when i'm over...
so it's pretty alright for me...
I'm not expecting those 'heart-to-heart' talks, that will be like asking for the sky...
i'm just wish that sometimes they can just have direct communication, instead of having to go through me... don't like to be the middle man...
looks like i have to accept the fact that wife and in-laws can't be merry with each other...
Yeah, seems like moving out far far away is the best lah...
far away from my folks and near hers...
That will definitely solve the problem.... 
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Brother,
Whylah u even contemplate asking your wife to stay with your mum. If they can't see eye to eye, somemore your mummy all thorny on the outside, I can guarantee you it going to be tough.
If you want to enjoy your life with your wife, forget about staying with mummy. At least for the first few years dont let the 2 women stay in the same house.
If you need to take care of mummy/daddy, wait until they really need taking care of. Then at that point in time, get your mummy to move in to your house! If your parents are moving into your place, they know who's the master of the house. Until then please enjoy life with your wife.
I can tell you are still pretty naive about this sort of things and are not very good at managing your parents. Like children and subordinates, parents needs to be managed too. If you stay with your mum, you will have a big problem, its not your house u don't set the rules and you're essentially your parent's guest. When if comes to disputed you have no locus standi, so you cannot protect your wife also.
Worst still when it comes to moving out, it becomes so difficult, they will give you the guilt trip and make you feel like you are abandoning them. So take the excuse to get out of there now.
Grow up and move out!!!!! -
brotherOriginally posted by bozo43:Brother,
Whylah u even contemplate asking your wife to stay with your mum. If they can't see eye to eye, somemore your mummy all thorny on the outside, I can guarantee you it going to be tough.
If you want to enjoy your life with your wife, forget about staying with mummy. At least for the first few years dont let the 2 women stay in the same house.
If you need to take care of mummy/daddy, wait until they really need taking care of. Then at that point in time, get your mummy to move in to your house! If your parents are moving into your place, they know who's the master of the house. Until then please enjoy life with your wife.
I can tell you are still pretty naive about this sort of things and are not very good at managing your parents. Like children and subordinates, parents needs to be managed too. If you stay with your mum, you will have a big problem, its not your house u don't set the rules and you're essentially your parent's guest. When if comes to disputed you have no locus standi, so you cannot protect your wife also.
Worst still when it comes to moving out, it becomes so difficult, they will give you the guilt trip and make you feel like you are abandoning them. So take the excuse to get out of there now.
Grow up and move out!!!!!
you want to marry , responsibility to your wife first, if you are not ready to do so , stay with mummy and dont get married , okay?
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i do wanna move out...but didn't you guys read my first post...
As we haven't gotten our flat, it's likely that we MIGHT have to stay with my folks for a while...
Do you think i don't wanna move out and stay on my own???
Not that i don't wanna take care of my folks, but currently they are still going on strong...doesn't really need me to be phyically taking care of them...
I understand the "Your house, your rules", similarly i also want it the same way...
The point now is not running away from the problem, but how can i try to make them be more comfortable with each other's existence...
Be more friend-like.... not to the extend of only talking when necessary...
Get me???
Thanks for the inputs though... -
It only solve the problems on the short term basis. The main issue still lingers: No proper communications between your wife-to-be and your parents.Originally posted by ~Numb~:Yeah i brought her home of course, we even went on a oversea trip together...
but it's just the same, no talk unless necessary lor...
I'm a pretty open person, so i try to talk to her folks when i'm over...
so it's pretty alright for me...
I'm not expecting those 'heart-to-heart' talks, that will be like asking for the sky...
i'm just wish that sometimes they can just have direct communication, instead of having to go through me... don't like to be the middle man...
looks like i have to accept the fact that wife and in-laws can't be merry with each other...
Yeah, seems like moving out far far away is the best lah...
far away from my folks and near hers...
That will definitely solve the problem....
You have to prepare yourself for many things to come. That is all I can say.
Good luck and God bless.
Oh ya! What is your father's opinion on all these? -
I can see your future from this answer...Originally posted by missqi:
Nobody wants to live with in-laws lah.
Face it.
Why so hurried(wedding)? -
You may choose to stay with ur mom for this time being after marriage as you may not have the financial capability to get a new apartment. My advice is do get an apartment soon.
When staying with your mom and wife, do make it clear that your wife is your first priority. And your mother should respect her as your wife, despite how difficult she may find getting along with your wife.
As the saying goes, when a man and woman are married, they become one flesh. And both shall live together as one. If your mother doesn't take the initiative to accept your wife's faults and all, she doesn't loves you. In short, if she loves and accept you, she'll love and accept your wife. But bear in mind that whatever happens, your wife is still your number one priority above your folks, your friends and your other relatives. -
Oh and one more thing, you ought to defend your wife against any rude or impolite remarks from anyone. And I mean ANYONE. A man, in fact, needs to stand up for his wife in all cause.
cheers -
"Often the world is not perfect as much as we might like it to be....."Originally posted by ~Numb~:i do wanna move out...but didn't you guys read my first post...
As we haven't gotten our flat, it's likely that we MIGHT have to stay with my folks for a while...
Do you think i don't wanna move out and stay on my own???
Not that i don't wanna take care of my folks, but currently they are still going on strong...doesn't really need me to be phyically taking care of them...
I understand the "Your house, your rules", similarly i also want it the same way...
The point now is not running away from the problem, but how can i try to make them be more comfortable with each other's existence...
Be more friend-like.... not to the extend of only talking when necessary...
Get me???
Thanks for the inputs though...
Refer to your topic. 'Need some advice (g/f problem).
So what do you actually the 'problem' is now...? The problem lies with your gf....? Or... This problem between you and your gf...? Who's problem?
Problem between your mum and your gf maybe...? I don't wanna be too suggestive... But maybe things just ain't so bad for now between the 2 of them...? Talking about relationships here...? I think it's probably quite possible for you to make arrangements for them to slowly better their relationship...?
Is their relationship really that bad? Or maybe you just want it 'better'...? So maybe....
The problem could be within yourself....
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Why does it sound like ur mom is nt aware of ur marriage? did your mom say anything about you n ur gf? Well, really, nt many people like to live with in laws. I think all these should be plan well before marriage.
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Seems like ya the only person who understand what i'm asking and yes i agree with you that moving out is not solving the problem.Originally posted by Bontakun:It only solve the problems on the short term basis. The main issue still lingers: No proper communications between your wife-to-be and your parents.
You have to prepare yourself for many things to come. That is all I can say.
Good luck and God bless.
Oh ya! What is your father's opinion on all these?
That's why i'm asking for advice on how to deal with it when the time comes to face it..
Currently my mum and wife-to-be are on okay terms...
meaning the usual greeting...that's all...
That is fine, if you are just visiting or staying for a couple of hours...
but living under a roof together is an totally different thing...
I can understand that..
Maybe you are right about the problem is me...
but i'm just paving for the future... and i seriously hope that i won't be the hotdog between the two pipping hot buns if you know wat i mean...
maybe any married folks can give me some insights?
And no, it's not a hurried decision to get married...
i do wanna spend the rest of my life taking care of my wife...
and of cos she's my number one priority.... -
u must start preparing urself to be the mediator everyday & good luck
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Quoted for Truth.Originally posted by bozo43:Brother,
Whylah u even contemplate asking your wife to stay with your mum. If they can't see eye to eye, somemore your mummy all thorny on the outside, I can guarantee you it going to be tough.
If you want to enjoy your life with your wife, forget about staying with mummy. At least for the first few years dont let the 2 women stay in the same house.
If you need to take care of mummy/daddy, wait until they really need taking care of. Then at that point in time, get your mummy to move in to your house! If your parents are moving into your place, they know who's the master of the house. Until then please enjoy life with your wife.
I can tell you are still pretty naive about this sort of things and are not very good at managing your parents. Like children and subordinates, parents needs to be managed too. If you stay with your mum, you will have a big problem, its not your house u don't set the rules and you're essentially your parent's guest. When if comes to disputed you have no locus standi, so you cannot protect your wife also.
Worst still when it comes to moving out, it becomes so difficult, they will give you the guilt trip and make you feel like you are abandoning them. So take the excuse to get out of there now.
Grow up and move out!!!!! -
omg getting married so troublesome
