If life is without problems it would be so mundane and not the least challenging, but am I really that unlucky? If everyday we live happily, no sadness no stress, perhaps we will never know how precious being happy is because everything will be like a routine. I've made alot of mistakes in my life, ended up with many regrets as well. I keep making the same mistake over and over again - saying short-lived words and let my mind soon drifts away and how that is so unnerving. I'd know that it is part of my growing stage and it'll definitely moulder me into a stronger person spiritually. The guys whom we used to have an affection for one another in the past three months but due to some circumstances which is not even worth mentioning, ain't even on talking terms now whenever we see each other. It ain't funny, we became the very "familiar" stranger. I accept it because I've choosen this way too. Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness.
In my love life, I've met a few guys who really loved me. I really felt loved by them especially when being loved and cared for by five guys at the same time, the feeling is really unexplanable. But, I don't deserve the heavens. Nevertheless, these happy things happen when we least expect them. But, whatever decision I make some will get hurt. We all have to accept the fact that sometimes beautiful encounters have to come to an end. Although many people still prefer to cling on false hopes and dreams, conciously or subconsciously neglecting the fact that love's gone. It's sad. Really. Well.. I can say that I've already tried my best.
Recently, I have been thinking a lot lately regarding the issue on friends. Honestly speaking, I always don't have an issue when it comes to making the right kind of friends, seems like recently I met quite a number of hypocrites and backstabbers. I wonder if they like to live in their hypocritical worlds, do they even enjoy what they are doing or are they absolutely clueless of what they are doing??? It beats me. I would like to tell them off, but what will I get in return will be another pack of lies and denial, and get backstabbed again.
I feel so isolated as if I've been dragged to an unfamiliar place where no one knows me nor I know anyone and when I'm back in the familiar place I used to be in, I feel so new here. Abhor not being able to control how I feel. I absolutely loathe the feeling of having to make a decision. It is such a pity that I couldn't learn to prioritise and lesson learned, I should just place myself before others. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep for days, and days and days. Luckily, there are still my bestest girlfriends though we are not in the same school. It's them that make me survive and hold on till now. Surrounded by the world but I feel all alone. I shed tears, I feel moody, but no one ever noticed. I may appear to be happy but I am not inside. I shed tears because of her, because of him, because of them.
How do I stop this throbbing pain in my head, the imploding thoughts, the grief wiring up my chest, the purging and one whole mess of suffocation that's caging me? Because I have never been a good judge of character; people lie, they betray and hurt too much; and I'm starting to fear. Sometimes, it doesn't pays to be kind. Thing is you see people giving their hearts all wrapped up prettily, and getting it returned to them shattered into shards of glass that pierce their hands as they attempt to piece their broken heart back together.
There's a part of my life that needs to dissolve, a past that needs to be squared away.
Any kind soul here free for a talk? I am at the brim of self inflictions. The week before suicide is sanguine. No one can ever see it coming...
