Troubled Families
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hey all,
i just came back from a horrible new year with my family... my family is a mess. my dad and mum just can't stop fighting. they fought with each other since I knew them... and they really hate each other to the core... my mum especially.
so anyway, for once in a very long time... i thought i'll give this family a chance again and spend the new year together as a family instead of with friends at parties... so we did and when I almost thought it was great and having fun... my mum did it again... she flared at my dad over nothing and ran away by herself...
i think my mum has some personality disorder because of her old age... she's very insecure and suspicious of everyone, and always thinks she's alone and nobody cares for her... so more than often she stomps away in anger over the smallest thing so that we will go all over looking for her... its really painful, but we still care because she's my mum. it is even more difficult because I know she and my dad loves us, (that's probably why we still live in the same roof) and everytime they fight, it just never occurs to either of them that the fight doesn't just hurt them but all of us. but it does hurt, and it hurts even more that they care for us, so I can't just let it all go.
you know i've always been escaping from all these and pretending to be indifferent, letting other siblings handle it. so i also spend very little time with my family. i try to spend as much time out of home as possible. i think i try to block it all out and pretend not to care so i don't have to handle the pains that come with it... but really, i can't lie to say it still doesn't annoy and hurt me everytime it happens...
so for the new year, i'm just wondering... is it bad for me to be just blocking all these out and avoiding the family in general? is there anyway i can try to make things work? I've kind of given up, because I've tried for a long time, but it is really tiring and it just sucks the life out of me. I just wish everything in the family will be better this year, but really, i doubt so.
ok i think i feel better just ranting... i just feel so alone in this, where so many of my friends have such great families... well you know what, i hope, this post, if anything, will help some appreciate their families a lot more. -
wow.. i tot i had a lousy countdown..
hey, i'm sorry to hear that man.. i've got a friend also family always quarrel.. i hope you stay strong ok? your family will need you as a pillar of support.. -
Only you can turn the tide.All the best.
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thanks. i'm feeling better already after that looong post. i hope everyone else had a great time out there... one thing for sure, it's back to countdown with friends next year..
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jia jia you ben nan nian de jing..
pat pat*
perhaps that's some history between your parents that u duno?
have u ever talked with ur dad about this? -
my mom thinks everyone is out to steal her monies..
anyways..
yeah, very bad to shut urself out. wait u'll get a nasty surprise in the future and live to regret ur indifference. not dat im any better though.
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menopause?
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yea i also thought i had a lousy countdown because i was stuck at home. after hearing about your case, i'm feeling so guilty nowOriginally posted by dumbdumb!:wow.. i tot i had a lousy countdown..
hey, i'm sorry to hear that man.. i've got a friend also family always quarrel.. i hope you stay strong ok? your family will need you as a pillar of support..
you stay strong, and try to talk to your dad/mom when they are better, let them know what they can do etc. -
Hi Abestos11, firstly I'm sorry to learn about such a big family problem. It reminds me of someone I once knew who had such a mom too. Issues like these do drain our energy a lot...Originally posted by abestos11:so for the new year, i'm just wondering... is it bad for me to be just blocking all these out and avoiding the family in general? is there anyway i can try to make things work? I've kind of given up, because I've tried for a long time, but it is really tiring and it just sucks the life out of me. I just wish everything in the family will be better this year, but really, i doubt so.
.
But you know as well as I do it's not about where you spend the countdown, right? You have taken the first step out of the shadow where you used to stay in the hope to reunite the family again and restore the harmony (if it used to exist)
I'm not sure how open you are to this suggestion, but I feel maybe it can help. Have you considered engaging a life coach? This person will be able to show you some directions on how to handle your life and your mom. Having someone professional to talk to can also help to release some of the stress you are feeling right now.
Emotional blackmail is one of the most common issue an aged parent uses to gain attention from their children. Not that this is your case, but it will definitely be useful to seek professional guidance in this issue.
All the best to you! Still like to wish you Happy New Year! -
i would assume that your parents are at least in their 50s already? at this age, even if they do have personality problems or whatever, it is hard to get them to admit that they have a problem and get them to change.
my family's something like yours...in some sense...
esp my mom. but i was the one who always tried to change things, to try to make things better. but ive since learnt that its best to just let things be.
my parents kept a lot of things from us kids. things which ive only learnt from talking to aunts and grandparents whom im closer to...
i guess its not such a bad thing to block things out...but if things are getting really out of hand, its best to let other relatives whom you are closer to know about this problem if you can...
trust me...in this world there are many pple with family problems. many people just keep it in and dont let others know about it. you arent alone. if things get too overwhelming, its good to talk to a friend about it. he/she/they might not be able to help and get your family to be more 'normal', but u'll feel better -
be strong!!
dun avoid the situation, instead try to help whenever problems pop.
unite as a family, let ur parents noe tat u guys care.
cheers..
god bless u n family for 2007. -
Hi abestos11 it is quite sad to hear you facing troubled family. But you really have to put on strength to challenge life. I think my family is more messy than yours. During the pain in such circumstances i had discovered certain thing related to chemisty of man to man which is leading me into astrology. Do you believe that zodiac of different human can crash some time?
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Be glad that you're trying. Sometimes there's a limit to what you can do to things?Originally posted by abestos11:hey all,
i just came back from a horrible new year with my family... my family is a mess. my dad and mum just can't stop fighting. they fought with each other since I knew them... and they really hate each other to the core... my mum especially.
so anyway, for once in a very long time... i thought i'll give this family a chance again and spend the new year together as a family instead of with friends at parties... so we did and when I almost thought it was great and having fun... my mum did it again... she flared at my dad over nothing and ran away by herself...
i think my mum has some personality disorder because of her old age... she's very insecure and suspicious of everyone, and always thinks she's alone and nobody cares for her... so more than often she stomps away in anger over the smallest thing so that we will go all over looking for her... its really painful, but we still care because she's my mum. it is even more difficult because I know she and my dad loves us, (that's probably why we still live in the same roof) and everytime they fight, it just never occurs to either of them that the fight doesn't just hurt them but all of us. but it does hurt, and it hurts even more that they care for us, so I can't just let it all go.
you know i've always been escaping from all these and pretending to be indifferent, letting other siblings handle it. so i also spend very little time with my family. i try to spend as much time out of home as possible. i think i try to block it all out and pretend not to care so i don't have to handle the pains that come with it... but really, i can't lie to say it still doesn't annoy and hurt me everytime it happens...
so for the new year, i'm just wondering... is it bad for me to be just blocking all these out and avoiding the family in general? is there anyway i can try to make things work? I've kind of given up, because I've tried for a long time, but it is really tiring and it just sucks the life out of me. I just wish everything in the family will be better this year, but really, i doubt so.
ok i think i feel better just ranting... i just feel so alone in this, where so many of my friends have such great families... well you know what, i hope, this post, if anything, will help some appreciate their families a lot more. -
Thanks everyone for all your support.
I'm feeling a lot better today after spending some time with my friends. But yeah, I've thought about it, and I realized some things are probably just the way they are and I should finally come to accept that not every family is going to be happy and great. In fact, there are probably many families worst off than mine. And I do hope that while I take comfort in that it could have been worse, I hope others do the same in their situation and make the best of what they have.
Nevertheless, I've considered seeking some professional help too, but I am certain my parents are against it. The way I see it, they need some counseling and maybe even psychiatric help but there is no way they will accept it in their age. In fact, it doesn't take a genius to tell them what is wrong in the whole relationship and how to improve on it - I can even probably do that. But to them, such attempts will more likely seem like I'm with the rest of the world working against them, and they will end up only more annoyed and ready to fight. I know it sounds ridiculous but that's the way it is.
Anyway, from all these years, I've also gotten kinda used to this. Which means it is easier for me to get over it (doesn't make it any less hurting when the fight happens though). At least I know how I don't want my relationships to turn out. And definitely, i have strangely modeled lots of my relationships with people against my parents' one and i'm glad to say I believe I'm doing a way better job at this than they are. So there's something good that came out of it.
Well once again thanks for everyone's kind words. I am feeling a hell lot better. That night was just horrid. But of course, nothing that a few drinks and good sleep couldn't make better the next day
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if they don't want to seek help nor treatment, than you can buy them some food/items that helps them perhaps?
lavender helps to make a person relax.
you can try it
as for mental problems, just try to lighten their loads.
don't go against their wishes for the time being until they get better
i think shld be menopause and anapause (dunno how to spell)
but i'm sure both guys also have this menopause (but it's male version)
so they quarrel due to hormones out of rage..too much activity..try to make them de-stress.
maybe you can treat them for a spa therapy session to help them ease their stress?
or let them go on a tour perhaps? -
If I switch off to the shit in my domestic problems.. So can you... Unless you suffer from low latent inhibition..
Don't worry.. Sooner or later... Ya will just get numbed.. Been there.. Numbed that.. -
Don't take it so hard...
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yes, go easy on yourself....