confused...
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hi everyone.. me had a gf who i went through with alot of ups and downs during my 4 yr relationship with her. during this 4 yrs, we broke up once in the 3rd year and now about 1 month ago.
i am insensitive to her feelings and dislike to show out my feelings to her in public. whereas she is a very insecure person..she is always worried that i will find anoter gal etc etc. although i love her alot.. i just find it difficult to shower my love to her as i am "just like that"...i did try at times but after a few days i will revert back to my normal insensitive self.
there was one time where i would do anything just for her. be it fetching her from work at weird times(often eating into the little rest that i had)..always spending time with her and all possible things that u can think of EXCEPT giving flowers... u mention it i did it. BUT AFTER the 1st break up.. it all just burst. i felt very very hurt because i loved her so much. but yet she always had to threaten to break up with me during those 3 years. so one day i got tired of it n broke up with her.
after that..3 months and another "1 month relationship with another gal" ... my gf n me got back together. things went well until she started checking up on my emails n frenster account. she was always suspicious of me. and i feel that this trust is wat broke our relationship again. we often quarrelled about her checking my stuff. and she did some things that really made me consider if she was a "wifey" material. but never did i once tell her that i wanna break up although i grew tired of this relationship soon enough. so when the day she mentioned it again for the umpteenth time, i decided enuf was enuf n broke up.
she then went thru severe "counselling" by one of our gd fren who happens to be a very gd listener. he gave her his advises and she came back to me pleading to be reconciled. i stood firm with my decision and refused to be back together because i am tired of the relationship and wanna make frenz and socialise to which she doesnt like me to.
but her constant calls and cries made me give in. i am a very soft hearted person. i did tell her before that if she kept calling i would definitely give in which would be disastrous..because i could easily manipulate her into going to bed with me which i dun wish to because i love her truly.but we went to bed only when we were together.so now not together..so i dun wan her to come over. toldher that not to come over to tok to my mum because i dun wanna be together anymore.
but she came to my house yesterday to haf a chat with my mum because she n my mum cant get along(and i told her that she n my mum have to get along if we are to be together). my mum is a tough nut..often believeing in horoscopes and such. also my gf herself doesnt do much except spend time in my room or on the com when she is here. so they had a few issues to thrash out. like hw my mum wants a gd daughter-in-law and not some lazy gal etcetc. i know that my mum is unreasonable but i do know that some things she says abt my gf makes sense also.
anyway..end of the day..after they thrashed things out..we got back together.. and she stayed over. we made love to each other as usual and today morning she went to work. while i was on my way to work..she msged me things asking me "if i took her back out of pity etc? if got another gal i like just tell her so that she will leave me alone etc etc" i replied that i just wanted to be alone and that i dunno wat i want. i also told her tat we made love and this was due to my own fault of succumbing to my own soft heartedness and my love for her. she was very sad that i took her back out of pity and love.
so once again we went our own ways.. and now i am so confused. because when i am alone.. i feel sad and face the prospect of losing the one i haf loved.. my only and first gf. also feel guilty of making love to her even though i wasnt sure of my feelings for her. i feel like a "bus 3rd".. when i am on my way hm or watever..or at hm.. i often feel happier when my gf dun contact me...i just feel numb and wanna be alone...
wats wrong with me?? or am ithe problem?? feel so sianz.. -
It seems she wasn't the only one feeling insecure
If you were, you would have shown more love in the first place. By being insecure you made her insecure which is a bad thing coz its like throwing a snowball off a mountain. As it goes further down, its harder to stop as its getting bigger and bigger.
Women are creatures that feed on emotion. When you stop feeding that need, she begins to question thus you think she is being insecure.
Its obvious that she likes you but she needs affirmation that you also do.
But she doesn't know coz you don't show it. At least not in the way she wants.
Basically. Let a girl know she is being loved. Thats ALL she wants from a guy. -
agree! +1Originally posted by Ignatiaus:It seems she wasn't the only one feeling insecure
If you were, you would have shown more love in the first place. By being insecure you made her insecure which is a bad thing coz its like throwing a snowball off a mountain. As it goes further down, its harder to stop as its getting bigger and bigger.
Women are creatures that feed on emotion. When you stop feeding that need, she begins to question thus you think she is being insecure.
Its obvious that she likes you but she needs affirmation that you also do.
But she doesn't know coz you don't show it. At least not in the way she wants.
Basically. Let a girl know she is being loved. Thats ALL she wants from a guy. -
First Question.
you love her but yet no contact make you happier?
Second Question.
Are you sure you still love her? Ask yourself that.
Third Question.
You mentioned that there is another girl (1-month stint?). Does your gf know about her?
Fourth Question
How did you get together with the other girl? Who is she? A long time friend? Someone new?
I think it would be easier to help you if you would kindly help us with these question? But more importantly, I think question 2 is more for yourself. Answer that and I believe some sort of decision should come through to you. -
don't you feel she's overly-possessive?
don't you feel this isn't love but obsession?
don't you think she's too overly-dependant on you?
don't you think you're unsure of your feelings for her; or say you're stuck in a an emotional rut?
don't you think she's a lil' too paranoid?
ask youself these question.
my 10c worth (2c each). haha.
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She wants to know that she's your ONE and only.Originally posted by Ignatiaus:Basically. Let a girl know she is being loved. Thats ALL she wants from a guy.
What's wrong with giving her that assurance? She's insecure, maybe both of you need to have more in-depth talk on that. Tell her what you really feel, like what you've told us here.
Or perhaps you need some cooling off period. Take things easy, dun rush. Perhaps you may like to tell her that you need some space by yourself so that you can feel how much you miss her when she's not around. There's this saying in chinese "xiao bie sheng xin hun" (a little absence may create back more fire than that of newly wed's) Which is also to say absence make the heart grows fonder.
Tell her that you are still fond of her, just that you need the space to regain all that passion back. If after a period of cooling off and you think she's the one you cant pic living without even in future, then perhaps she's the one for you.
Cheers,
YouDonKnowMe -
I think it's all because you needed a little space, that's not abnormal. When you've had your space, then you can focus more on your girlfriend later. I think your gf needs to understand that and you personally need to communicate to her this need for personal space and growth from time to time.Originally posted by sickandtired:i often feel happier when my gf dun contact me...i just feel numb and wanna be alone...
wats wrong with me?? or am ithe problem?? feel so sianz..
You will also need to tell her the importance of trust to you and HOW it's been affecting you.
And from what I've read, diffrence of lifestyle and socializing also seems to be the key? She doesnt like you to mingle around too much. Have a heart to heart talk (when you're ready & she too) about what are the grounds that are acceptable for each other and what each other can compromise. Communication is the key and of cos to honour what each other have agreed on too. -
Give it your all in relationships. Dont hold back
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It's always a 'give and take' situation. Can you accept her as she is? If you can't, I would rather advise you to get along with your life and to know other girls instead... Whatever you had, you either hold or let go... Sounds to me like nothing too much have been changed personally? She's still holding much traits you and your mum is unhappy with, and you have not lowered your expectation of her... And seems like the reason why your last patch back was a lousy one... You know it, she sensed it. Perhaps you could help her by 'pushing' her away from you too...? I see the situation being a bit tricky if not 'karmanic' as she tends to fall back to you and you simply just allow that to happen without good ground of amendment to the relationship...Originally posted by sickandtired:hi everyone.. me had a gf who i went through with alot of ups and downs during my 4 yr relationship with her. during this 4 yrs, we broke up once in the 3rd year and now about 1 month ago.
i am insensitive to her feelings and dislike to show out my feelings to her in public. whereas she is a very insecure person..she is always worried that i will find anoter gal etc etc. although i love her alot.. i just find it difficult to shower my love to her as i am "just like that"...i did try at times but after a few days i will revert back to my normal insensitive self.
there was one time where i would do anything just for her. be it fetching her from work at weird times(often eating into the little rest that i had)..always spending time with her and all possible things that u can think of EXCEPT giving flowers... u mention it i did it. BUT AFTER the 1st break up.. it all just burst. i felt very very hurt because i loved her so much. but yet she always had to threaten to break up with me during those 3 years. so one day i got tired of it n broke up with her.
after that..3 months and another "1 month relationship with another gal" ... my gf n me got back together. things went well until she started checking up on my emails n frenster account. she was always suspicious of me. and i feel that this trust is wat broke our relationship again. we often quarrelled about her checking my stuff. and she did some things that really made me consider if she was a "wifey" material. but never did i once tell her that i wanna break up although i grew tired of this relationship soon enough. so when the day she mentioned it again for the umpteenth time, i decided enuf was enuf n broke up.
she then went thru severe "counselling" by one of our gd fren who happens to be a very gd listener. he gave her his advises and she came back to me pleading to be reconciled. i stood firm with my decision and refused to be back together because i am tired of the relationship and wanna make frenz and socialise to which she doesnt like me to.
but her constant calls and cries made me give in. i am a very soft hearted person. i did tell her before that if she kept calling i would definitely give in which would be disastrous..because i could easily manipulate her into going to bed with me which i dun wish to because i love her truly.but we went to bed only when we were together.so now not together..so i dun wan her to come over. toldher that not to come over to tok to my mum because i dun wanna be together anymore.
but she came to my house yesterday to haf a chat with my mum because she n my mum cant get along(and i told her that she n my mum have to get along if we are to be together). my mum is a tough nut..often believeing in horoscopes and such. also my gf herself doesnt do much except spend time in my room or on the com when she is here. so they had a few issues to thrash out. like hw my mum wants a gd daughter-in-law and not some lazy gal etcetc. i know that my mum is unreasonable but i do know that some things she says abt my gf makes sense also.
anyway..end of the day..after they thrashed things out..we got back together.. and she stayed over. we made love to each other as usual and today morning she went to work. while i was on my way to work..she msged me things asking me "if i took her back out of pity etc? if got another gal i like just tell her so that she will leave me alone etc etc" i replied that i just wanted to be alone and that i dunno wat i want. i also told her tat we made love and this was due to my own fault of succumbing to my own soft heartedness and my love for her. she was very sad that i took her back out of pity and love.
so once again we went our own ways.. and now i am so confused. because when i am alone.. i feel sad and face the prospect of losing the one i haf loved.. my only and first gf. also feel guilty of making love to her even though i wasnt sure of my feelings for her. i feel like a "bus 3rd".. when i am on my way hm or watever..or at hm.. i often feel happier when my gf dun contact me...i just feel numb and wanna be alone...
wats wrong with me?? or am ithe problem?? feel so sianz..
It's even more funny when ya mentioned 'wife material'? It seems to me like when she is barely crossing the barrier between you and her, she has another ahead which is your mum....? Relationship foundation is weak. If you think 'marriage', I would tell you almost quite certainly that this is not the right relationship at the right time... Can you carry out appropriate changes? If not, I say don't bother? -
hi all..thanks for the many replies...certainly haf helped me.
right now.. my gf and me haf patched back. i dunno for how long will be together..maybe long till marriage or wat i dunno..coz i always expect things but end up getting disappointed and break up again. this time..she wanted to commit suicide and keep crying...make me so sad..so i agree to patch back..hope it will turn out fine this time..else i hope she just hates me n leave me for gd.
haf spoken to her to let me mingle ard to which she agrees. but i seriously dunno hw long she can let me socialise. haha.. i never thought of leaving her but she doesnt understand this. so giving it one more shot. she n my mum spoke to each other and is ok in terms of relations now. just waiting to see how things goes. but at the same time i will not isolate myself but continue to mix around coz i feel extremely happy hafing more frenz. compared to last time i didnt mx ard so i only had my gf and as a result..spent all my time with her and when break up or argue i get so bored. hope things go smoothly for me..
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hmm... i duno... but just dont feel that your mentality is correct leh. it seemed like u pity her, dun wan her to commit suicide that y u agree to patch back and not becos u still love her?Originally posted by sickandtired:hi all..thanks for the many replies...certainly haf helped me.
right now.. my gf and me haf patched back. i dunno for how long will be together..maybe long till marriage or wat i dunno..coz i always expect things but end up getting disappointed and break up again. this time..she wanted to commit suicide and keep crying...make me so sad..so i agree to patch back..hope it will turn out fine this time..else i hope she just hates me n leave me for gd. haf spoken to her to let me mingle ard to which she agrees. but i seriously dunno hw long she can let me socialise. haha.. i never thought of leaving her but she doesnt understand this. so giving it one more shot. she n my mum spoke to each other and is ok in terms of relations now. just waiting to see how things goes. but at the same time i will not isolate myself but continue to mix around coz i feel extremely happy hafing more frenz[/color]. compared to last time i didnt mx ard so i only had my gf and as a result..spent all my time with her and when break up or argue i get so bored. hope things go smoothly for me..
I agree that having a r/s doesnt mean that u cant have friends and socialise, but u still have to stand at her shoe and think sometimes...
actually i dont know what exactly is wrong, maybe you need frnz more than u need a gf? think u are not totally committed to this r/s?
she is seriously lack of security being with u... and why is this so? there must be a reason and a cause.
just feel that for both of u, the mentality must be correct, else the same scene will start all over again. -
Strike a balance between relationship and your life. If you don't and divert too much of your time and energy into the relationship (especially when you're not willingly doing so)... Chances are your relationship would have to suffer in the end as well...Originally posted by sickandtired:hi all..thanks for the many replies...certainly haf helped me.
right now.. my gf and me haf patched back. i dunno for how long will be together..maybe long till marriage or wat i dunno..coz i always expect things but end up getting disappointed and break up again. this time..she wanted to commit suicide and keep crying...make me so sad..so i agree to patch back..hope it will turn out fine this time..else i hope she just hates me n leave me for gd.
haf spoken to her to let me mingle ard to which she agrees. but i seriously dunno hw long she can let me socialise. haha.. i never thought of leaving her but she doesnt understand this. so giving it one more shot. she n my mum spoke to each other and is ok in terms of relations now. just waiting to see how things goes. but at the same time i will not isolate myself but continue to mix around coz i feel extremely happy hafing more frenz. compared to last time i didnt mx ard so i only had my gf and as a result..spent all my time with her and when break up or argue i get so bored. hope things go smoothly for me..