Is chastity still valued?
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Emotional abuse?Originally posted by udontknowme:emotional abuse ?
trying to make you feel bad so that you will break down and give in i think
Hardly visible but deeply felt.
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think you should just dump your bf and find someone who appreciates you. by reading your postings, your bf is just another immature asshole.Originally posted by kuri:thank you too fellow stranger.
it's a strange phase of my life too.
i m really so tired. a month or two perhaps three may seem like a flash in the pan to most but at times it felt like i/we've been thru too much alr it's time i/we should just end the 'prolonged' misery and pain. yet my feelings for him kept nudging me on whenever there's a glimpse of hope. he told me give him some more time to adjust to me and that things will get better eventually dun pass a verdict on him before he could prove himself. the struggles with my head and my heart ended up in this proposition i told myself, that i would give him a few months if we could survive there. but if then things r still the way they r as it is now i'll have to bite the bullet and make myself wake up to the reality that we simply cant b happy together. 
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Everything in life entails some form of risk and quite simply, if marriages were an exclusive endorsement of "perfect love", there wouldn't be divorces.Originally posted by kuri:Many of you may be thinking i brought all these upon myself yes in some
sense i did, for not walking away n sticking with him after i discovered he's in some important aspects not quite what i expected. There were times a break-up seemed like the best way to resolve things. But if my feelings to him are true i cant just abandon him without exhuasting my means to work things out. If it's so easy to let go when some things dun turn out right it would more of an infatuation than love. And it's rather silly to give up at this moment after preservering thru so much and now he's finally taking serious steps to show me his resolve to make things better and re-ignite the hope in our relationship.
Silly girl a few months or just weeks later u will come crying to us when u realise the breakup is inevitable,u may say. true i admit i cant eliminate the possibility given the way things are it's a risk i hav to take. but at least for the rest of my life i wouldnt hav to ponder what could hav been if i just had given him the one more chance. now i'll just do my best and hope for the best. and we'll find out soon enough if i hav just boarded titanic.
By that, I'm not trying to dilute any romantic notions of love you might have, but hope that your decision is made with sufficient considerations given to the brutal reality of life.
While you may have a case for arguing that you should give this another shot so you don't look back at 60 and wonder what might have been, I hope you do bear in mind the opportunity cost and the risk assessment you've factored into your decision-making that ultimately governs your course of action. Afterall, should things not work out and you still break up eventually, would you not look back on how you gave this relationship one chance too many and in fact had been chasing a lost cause? To keep things in mind with a balanced perspective, I think you ought to establish a "breaking point" whereby the opportunity cost is clear to you so that you would neither live a life regretting the "what ifs" nor hang on to a lost cause which you're not convinced of.
Obviously, you must have seen something in the guy to render it feasible to want to make this work, but I guess only you know if that faith of yours is ultimately misplaced...
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Your comment is a very conventional way of thinking. If you take into account that there is no past and no future... that in reality there is only NOW, this MOMENT, your life's outlook will be different...Originally posted by walesa:Everything in life entails some form of risk and quite simply, if marriages were an exclusive endorsement of "perfect love", there wouldn't be divorces.
By that, I'm not trying to dilute any romantic notions of love you might have, but hope that your decision is made with sufficient considerations given to the brutal reality of life.
While you may have a case for arguing that you should give this another shot so you don't look back at 60 and wonder what might have been, I hope you do bear in mind the opportunity cost and the risk assessment you've factored into your decision-making that ultimately governs your course of action. Afterall, should things not work out and you still break up eventually, would you not look back on how you gave this relationship one chance too many and in fact had been chasing a lost cause? To keep things in mind with a balanced perspective, I think you ought to establish a "breaking point" whereby the opportunity cost is clear to you so that you would neither live a life regretting the "what ifs" nor hang on to a lost cause which you're not convinced of.
Obviously, you must have seen something in the guy to render it feasible to want to make this work, but I guess only you know if that faith of yours is ultimately misplaced... -
ow i carn help but feel sorry for ur position..
but maybe it can also help if you look at remaining chaste from a romantic perspective.
its like wanting to conserve your 'first' for that special one and not giving it to any other loser you might have come across.
as in like youre preserving it and perservering all the way until you finally give it to that special person. and imagine if you told ur partner that you did that for him/her...
very touching rite? hahah >.<
but then again, its darn difficult to determine who is actually that 'special person'
which is then why all the old adults and wadever say only ahem ahem after youre married... coz when u actually decide to marry the person, everything in the relationship is more or less there already.. =)
and furthermore, if your bf/gf juz seems to want it so much it might also seem that they want it more than they want you. and things might go down the slippery slope of awkwardness, conflict and break-up after ur 'experience' (no pun intended)
oh well its juz my 2-cents worth - to let you know that youre admired for what ure treasuring =) -
I've certainly had enough experience to know your reality is one destined for disaster. Try planning a marriage on the basis of what happens only "now" (do not worry about healthcare, living, kids' education, retirement issues) - good luck to whoever's marrying/married you...Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:Your comment is a very conventional way of thinking. If you take into account that there is no past and no future... that in reality there is only NOW, this MOMENT, your life's outlook will be different... -
ah... but you are forgetting one thing... sometimes the best thing NOW, this MOMENT is to plan for the future Then you should do the best thing NOW. As long as you do the best thing that you should do NOW, this MOMENT, the future and the past will take care of itself, get it? Live only for NOW, this MOMENT.Originally posted by walesa:I've certainly had enough experience to know your reality is one destined for disaster. Try planning a marriage on the basis of what happens only "now" (do not worry about healthcare, living, kids' education, retirement issues) - good luck to whoever's marrying/married you... -
Liek for example, NOW, this MOMENT. Is the best thing to do NOW this MOMENT for me to plan the future? No, the best thing for me to do NOW this MOMENT is? Post in sgforums.
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The best thing for you to do at this moment is keep your mouth shut, instead of blabbering nonsensical rubbish totally irrelevant to this thread.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:Liek for example, NOW, this MOMENT. Is the best thing to do NOW this MOMENT for me to plan the future? No, the best thing for me to do NOW this MOMENT is? Post in sgforums. -
Cool.Originally posted by walesa:The best thing for you to do at this moment is keep your mouth shut, instead of blabbering nonsensical rubbish totally irrelevant to this thread. -
Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:Liek for example, NOW, this MOMENT. Is the best thing to do NOW this MOMENT for me to plan the future? No, the best thing for me to do NOW this MOMENT is? Post in sgforums.
COOL IT people....Originally posted by walesa:The best thing for you to do at this moment is keep your mouth shut, instead of blabbering nonsensical rubbish totally irrelevant to this thread. -
Just had a long conversation with him.
A conversation that he said we'll never have again.
He told me to him sexual intimacy is an intricate part of love he cant change that. He said how much i'd go with him doesnt determine how much he'd love me but at the back of his back it's how much i love him. He told me he loves me so much he'd die for me but feels very insecure bout my feelings towards him because of this he thinks bout it so much start feeling so empty esp when he has urges it is causing him immense pain it's such a mental torment he had cried and had sleepless nights and he believes this will go on. he admitted what i hav said is true that this is our irreconcilable gap but he doesnt want to give up on me cos of that. he really loves me he cant let go of his feelings. so he told me that from now onwards he'll just keep all related to this issue to himself and suffer on his own, he doesnt want to talk about this anymore since we won't be able to resolve it.
I don't know what to do. As much as it hurts me so I brought up the thought of letting him go cos I simply can't bear to see him in constant pain and misery but he said i'd just hurt him more this way. I really dun want that ending any more he does yet I don't see any way how it can work out. Wanted to assure him that my feelings to him are true and my apparent lack of willingness to commit sexually doesn't reflect that I don't love him as much but he just dismissed that as my attempts to cover up. enough said he told me, n spoke that if he were to show me the dozens of books he has bout relationship it all concurs that when a couple reaches a depth in love it's natural that they would want to go sexual and thus it speaks of the feelings i have for him. There's no way I can talk him out of this yet i m witnessing his mental and physical conditions deteriorate as this wears on and that he'd always hav to take sleeping pills to sleep so often I really don't wish this to go on.
Even though he said he's willing and determined to go on this way to keep the status quo I cant help worrying about the long term detrimental effects to his health. I'm really worried bout him, it's not the right ways to sustain things. and he even mentioned taking this drug that will make men "sterile" for a few years or so. I'm really afraid that he would do things harmful to his mental and physcial health since especially he said that after today he's not gona tell me anything related to this issue anymore he doesnt want me to get the wrong idea n feel pressured. How can i put my mind at ease when at the back of my mind i never know wat's brewing beneath the lovely surface? with the nagging thought that he may be on his path to self destruction n i wont even b aware of it? -
The past will come back and haunt u eventually
Seriously i admire girls like you who have a determined mind set of chastity and it is really respectable in such era where fling and sex is really common. Honestly, his views of relationship would not change because he self-belief that sex meant a certain depth in a relationship. That is however a personal idealogy thinking of others based on situation and culture of the west, which had been open since ages before our local culture. His acceptable views of a relationship have been deemed unacceptable in your own idealogy and thinking.
Everyone has a different meaning to how deep a relationship is to individuals. Sex, nevertheless, is one method that some people used to judge a relationship. Others like kissing, holding hands etc. might be others' meaning that a secure relationship has taken place.
My advise would be that both of you start doing things that you enjoyed together and try to put the issue behind you. If he truly loves you, being self- destructive isnt a way to show love.
PS: Sorry about the poor english due to the fact i haven't been writing or typing since years -
gao zhao~
kua zhang lor..
doesn't he know what is DIY? -
after reading the above crap by the guy. I was laughing my head off.Originally posted by kuri:Just had a long conversation with him.
A conversation that he said we'll never have again.
He told me to him sexual intimacy is an intricate part of love he cant change that. He said how much i'd go with him doesnt determine how much he'd love me but at the back of his back it's how much i love him. He told me he loves me so much he'd die for me but feels very insecure bout my feelings towards him because of this he thinks bout it so much start feeling so empty esp when he has urges it is causing him immense pain it's such a mental torment he had cried and had sleepless nights and he believes this will go on. he admitted what i hav said is true that this is our irreconcilable gap but he doesnt want to give up on me cos of that. he really loves me he cant let go of his feelings. so he told me that from now onwards he'll just keep all related to this issue to himself and suffer on his own, he doesnt want to talk about this anymore since we won't be able to resolve it.
I don't know what to do. As much as it hurts me so I brought up the thought of letting him go cos I simply can't bear to see him in constant pain and misery but he said i'd just hurt him more this way. I really dun want that ending any more he does yet I don't see any way how it can work out. Wanted to assure him that my feelings to him are true and my apparent lack of willingness to commit sexually doesn't reflect that I don't love him as much but he just dismissed that as my attempts to cover up. enough said he told me, n spoke that if he were to show me the dozens of books he has bout relationship it all concurs that when a couple reaches a depth in love it's natural that they would want to go sexual and thus it speaks of the feelings i have for him. There's no way I can talk him out of this yet i m witnessing his mental and physical conditions deteriorate as this wears on and that he'd always hav to take sleeping pills to sleep so often I really don't wish this to go on.
Even though he said he's willing and determined to go on this way to keep the status quo I cant help worrying about the long term detrimental effects to his health. I'm really worried bout him, it's not the right ways to sustain things. and he even mentioned taking this drug that will make men "sterile" for a few years or so. I'm really afraid that he would do things harmful to his mental and physcial health since especially he said that after today he's not gona tell me anything related to this issue anymore he doesnt want me to get the wrong idea n feel pressured. How can i put my mind at ease when at the back of my mind i never know wat's brewing beneath the lovely surface? with the nagging thought that he may be on his path to self destruction n i wont even b aware of it?
I pity the guy leh must use this type of lies to get girls in bed with him.
Haiz must be some ugly looking guy i guess.
Let me ask you this can a monk die asap without sex? no rite?
So what rite have the guy to complain so much?
.
lets say if you dump him he will still go out to have sex with other girls asa[ rite? This guy's brain is so full of sex that nothing else matters to him at all.
stop wasting your time if you feel like wasting your first time on a guy like him go ahead, no one can stop you. Stop thinking how painfull he will feel leh. Just do it and get over with it. OR just dump him is as clear cut as possible.
if a guy really love you he will never complain or force you. To me he is just that type who wants to have fun thats all.
If you still want to think it over challenge him this . If you love me go to ROM with me sign the doc, then we do it. you will see all his dumb excuses all over again. -
He wants to have sex and run off ma...Originally posted by browniebaobao:gao zhao~
kua zhang lor..
doesn't he know what is DIY?
thats why he refuse to DIY ma... -
Kuri, the decision is now mostly on you: To carry on with him and face the issues together OR let him go.
You can re read the whole thread for reference and ask more for opinions.
There is always a best way to solve a problem, the thing is: which way is the best to you? -
This line is extremely questionable, IMHO. Don't be a victim to emotional blackmail.Originally posted by kuri:and he even mentioned taking this drug that will make men "sterile" for a few years or so. -
can't stop laughing ....Originally posted by SingaporeMacross:This line is extremely questionable, IMHO. Don't be a victim to emotional blackmail.
sorry can't help it...
A guy who loves sex so much is williing to take such a drug
challenge him to take lar..
Action speak louder than words
lol lol lol...................... -
DIY doesnt satisfy him.Originally posted by browniebaobao:gao zhao~
kua zhang lor..
doesn't he know what is DIY?
it just makes him feel more empty that he's doing a handjob himself even.
his point is that it not about the gratification on its own but feeling of being loved by his loved one.
as he said sexual intimacy is for him a guage of how much his girl loves him.
he can only derive satisfaction when his gf give him the gratifications not anyone esle, which of course includes himself.
hence he can never be satisfied and it's tormenting him as he's a highly sensual/sexual individual. -
I urge you to seriously reconsider your relationship with your bf. It's ridiculous with all the nonsenses and excuses he has come up with just to get into your pants.
If your partner really loves you, cares about you and respect you, he will wait and will not manipulate you and pressure you into having sex with him.
You need to build up your own self-esteem and confidence to tell yourself that you deserve someone better than a sex predator.
The choice is yours in the end. However, if you choose to stay with him, I can guarantee that you're going to be disappointed and hurt again!!
Good luck mate and take care!
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Can you see what is wrong with your BF here? I do not know how are you going to talk to him about it as he values carnal desires so much than controling himself and resisting temptations.Originally posted by kuri:DIY doesnt satisfy him.
it just makes him feel more empty that he's doing a handjob himself even.
his point is that it not about the gratification on its own but feeling of being loved by his loved one.
as he said sexual intimacy is for him a guage of how much his girl loves him.
he can only derive satisfaction when his gf give him the gratifications not anyone esle, which of course includes himself.
hence he can never be satisfied and it's tormenting him as he's a highly sensual/sexual individual.
Sexual intimacy is a guage of how much his gal loves him? Can there be a gauge to justify how much you love him?
He can never be satisfied? Why do I get the feeling that you alone cannot 'satisfy' him? As in he may get other women and perhaps mass orgy? And even so, how then can he be satisfied with just one woman?
Highly sensual/sexual individual? Aren't we all highly sensual/sexual too? Albeit at different times.
If what you have written are testimonies of what HE HAS SAID, then I am sorry to say: he is one good schemer OR he refuse to control himself.
Bottomline: Its selfish love. -
I think he is just talking crapOriginally posted by kuri:Just had a long conversation with him.
A conversation that he said we'll never have again.
He told me to him sexual intimacy is an intricate part of love he cant change that. He said how much i'd go with him doesnt determine how much he'd love me but at the back of his back it's how much i love him. He told me he loves me so much he'd die for me but feels very insecure bout my feelings towards him because of this he thinks bout it so much start feeling so empty esp when he has urges it is causing him immense pain it's such a mental torment he had cried and had sleepless nights and he believes this will go on. he admitted what i hav said is true that this is our irreconcilable gap but he doesnt want to give up on me cos of that. he really loves me he cant let go of his feelings. so he told me that from now onwards he'll just keep all related to this issue to himself and suffer on his own, he doesnt want to talk about this anymore since we won't be able to resolve it.
I don't know what to do. As much as it hurts me so I brought up the thought of letting him go cos I simply can't bear to see him in constant pain and misery but he said i'd just hurt him more this way. I really dun want that ending any more he does yet I don't see any way how it can work out. Wanted to assure him that my feelings to him are true and my apparent lack of willingness to commit sexually doesn't reflect that I don't love him as much but he just dismissed that as my attempts to cover up. enough said he told me, n spoke that if he were to show me the dozens of books he has bout relationship it all concurs that when a couple reaches a depth in love it's natural that they would want to go sexual and thus it speaks of the feelings i have for him. There's no way I can talk him out of this yet i m witnessing his mental and physical conditions deteriorate as this wears on and that he'd always hav to take sleeping pills to sleep so often I really don't wish this to go on.
Even though he said he's willing and determined to go on this way to keep the status quo I cant help worrying about the long term detrimental effects to his health. I'm really worried bout him, it's not the right ways to sustain things. and he even mentioned taking this drug that will make men "sterile" for a few years or so. I'm really afraid that he would do things harmful to his mental and physcial health since especially he said that after today he's not gona tell me anything related to this issue anymore he doesnt want me to get the wrong idea n feel pressured. How can i put my mind at ease when at the back of my mind i never know wat's brewing beneath the lovely surface? with the nagging thought that he may be on his path to self destruction n i wont even b aware of it? What take drugs?
He is blackmailing you, girl. Wake up and see his lies. Wake up and tell him in his face, you take me as I am, if you want sex so much, go and find another girl who will give it to you easily. But not me.
I do not think he will ever go to the extent of hurting himself la. He is just taking advantage of your soft-heartedness to see whether you will give in or not. Why would you want from someone who keeps demanding something that he already knows you do not really want to give it to him unless you are ready?
Relationship is all about understanding. He has his needs and so do you. -
Dear kuri, he is awesome at manipulating you. Only third parties like us will be able to tell as you can see from the recent replies. I have this sick impression that day in day out he is crafting a plan to weaken your heart and make you give in to him one day. I dont think he really loves you. There is no point kuri.
Btw i got a question to ask. Are you not in the least bit , horny? -
Is sex the only way to make him feel loved by his gf?Originally posted by kuri:DIY doesnt satisfy him.
it just makes him feel more empty that he's doing a handjob himself even.
his point is that it not about the gratification on its own but feeling of being loved by his loved one.
as he said sexual intimacy is for him a guage of how much his girl loves him.
he can only derive satisfaction when his gf give him the gratifications not anyone esle, which of course includes himself.
hence he can never be satisfied and it's tormenting him as he's a highly sensual/sexual individual.
if yes, he has a crooked defiinition of love. What about him showing his love to you? You can tell him that love for me is all about showing understanding and not forcing you to have sex with him when you are apparently not ready.
My advice is: Don't give in to him so easily. Once you give in, the thing you are trying to preserve for so long will be lost forever. And do you want to lose it to someone who keeps forcing you and never bother to understand how you feel at all?