Lately I feel l've lost control over myself. And the things around me. And my life.
I don't know why. And I thought with the easing of a major burden off my shoulder, I'll finally be able to live my life like any normal person, or perhaps even more so than anyone.
But I've been plagued by severe mood swings, lapses in judgement, lack of motivation (perhaps not entirely), to name a few. I get distracted terribly easily and am no longer as aware of my surroundings as before - last week when I was out, a heavy book dropped from my lap as I got up from my seat and I didn't even notice it at all until a kind lady picked it up and returned it to me. I don't remember what I ate four hours earlier unless I think long and hard, have trouble doing simple arithmetic as quickly as I used to be able to, can't even sit still at the piano or my lecture notes for fifteen minutes without being distracted, only realizing my slip long after being at what caused the distraction.
I'd like to believe one issue is the root cause of all this, but at the same time I wonder if I've some kind of mental disorder. In fact, I'm contemplating a visit to the IMH to make sure I'm still mentally sound. Really.
What issue, one might ask. There isn't a need to go into details, but let's just say it's a decision I made, for once, by going with my heart's desire. There were things I couldn't rationalise and probably wouldn't be able to, so I thought I'd take the risk and plunge into it. Alas, mayhaps it was a wrong move. I find myself getting overwhelmed by the events that take place, and I hardly have any power over them!
I could probably liken it to a voyage around the world in a boat. I'd like to travel and experience new things, but don't know where to go. So I take the boat and let the tides carry me to wherever. But suddenly, one day in the middle of the vast oceans, I realize that while I'm enjoying the moment, I can't go wherever I want to go, and I can't get out whenever I want. Stranded, yes, that's the word. Yet I like it that I'm finally doing something I want.
Sorry, I think my line of thought has gone haywire and I'm starting to ramble.
Am I suicidal? I'm not sure. I do think suicide is a viable option, but it will only remain an option and nothing further, because I'm not alone in this world. I still have family! And I am fully aware of the dire consequences if I take my own life selfishly... and I do not want to give up... at least not now. Not yet.
I'm posting something here... but maybe I'm not looking for advice. Maybe I just need to pour out my woes, ramble on... and perhaps like a bonus, someone will come along and provide valuable insight. Help would be welcome, of course! But if you find it difficult to extend a helping hand with whatever limited details I've given... it's alright, don't force yourself.
