i jus need a listening ear or rather somewhere to voice out how i feel.. to ple living n flesh not to a journal or screaming to empty space.
i love him. at least i think i do.. i almost 'suffocated to death' when i tried to tell him i love him. i never felt like this before with the other guys b4 him. it felt so hard trying to tell him how i felt. he was very happy when he heard that.. he thought i was going to leave him again.
When we first met, sparks didnt fly immediately.. it took us abt a month plus i think before we got to talking on the phone.. then one day he popped the question.. i hesitated for a while.. doesnt seem right..but i tot what the heck*. we were together for few months.. but i feel that its so wrong.. i decided not to continue what we had.. for fear that it would be hard for us to remain friends if i let it dragged longer...
For few months we didnt meet up at all.. but we were not in misery.. we simply went on with our own lives.. own friends.until we finally met someday... it was then i realize i missed him so much. He started to call me again. in less than a week... we were together again
But this time we became so much closer... our relationship grew much stronger.. we finally admitted to ourselves n to each other that we loved each other.(not an easy task.. almost wanted our lives)...
but i know we can never be together like other ple.. i knew that from the very first time he popped the question. he also knew that we can never be together like normal ple.
He did ask me if i can be his bride... almost made me cry like mad.. He cant marry me. He knows that.. he wants to marry both me n his girlfriend, haha. But i never tot of marrying him, i jus liked being by his side n listen to him talk abt his problems n helping him to sort out his thinking(he tends to express himself very poorly) I never tot of vying with his girlfriend. i jus wanna be by his side, to see him get married with his girlfriend( he said he dunwan to invite me

he told me he will be sad, sigh* guess i cant go to his wedding)
Sometimes it drives me nuts that i cant give him a peck on his cheek when we are in public. It drives me crazy not to be able to hold his hands..
SOmetimes i wonder if i am stupid silly or plain idiotic... but it is so happy being with him. never really felt like this with other guys.
i am so afraid to lose him.. i know i will one day esp when he marries. Yet i am prepared to lose him someday.. i am afraid that i will never feel like this again.
He told me that we always never the one we truly deeply love. he told me one day i would get married n have kids of my own.. he doesnt wan to be selfish n keep me by his side. yet he doesnt wan to lose me.
my friends tell me to be careful not to hurt myself.. they tell me its jus a fling..
but i wanna tell the whole world that i love him.

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why do i bother myself with such pathetic troubles when i am so broke damn~!

i am optimistic... i try to laugh at every problem i find..