guys in long-term relationship
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Nope, u're not making a non-issue. Many factors are coming into play; having kids is one.Originally posted by Daydreamzer:aint afraid to share my age... the big 3-0... perhaps it doesnt mean much to a guy.. but for a gal... the biological clock is one tat' acting against it.... sometimes i wonder selfishly... if it might be better for him to find a gal who's younger than me, and then he probably wont feel the time pressure as much...
perhaps it's juz me making a mountain out of a non-issue... but at least in my shoes... it is real... the anxiety tat's building up... tat' not healthy cos i know it will cause unpleasantness as i tried to get an ans which he wont wan to give...
And many women i know when they reach 30 (some younger) develop a inklng towards marriage. So you're not strange
If you are not willing to wait, do talk it out with him first. Let him know exactly what you feel, if he doesn't reciprocate; from there u make your decision. -
All the bestOriginally posted by Daydreamzer:nonetheless guys and gals... thanks for your prompt advice... it feels much better to get it out than having to bottle it... perhaps... the best ans.. is to get it straight from the horse' mouth...
thanks a bunch!!! ^,^
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30s? can tell us his character type? working how many yrs? yes to marry need $$$ so u if u wan to know if he is planning on it check on how much he has saved... actually if u eager abt ur marriage, its better to 'plan' with him... he might need some reminder cos some guys still tink they early 20s... but if all these still dun help he m mayb not interested in building future... so best is to sort it out with him...Originally posted by Daydreamzer:hihi all.... if a guy is in a long-term relationship with a girl, say almost 6 years, and yet no hint of getting a house nor concrete plans of getting married/ROM... does tat mean tat the guy is not really keen at all on marrying this gal? Though he gave her reasons that he is not financially stable to start up a family yet, could tat translate to mean this girl ain't the right one... who will help him in his career?
juz kinda wanna get a feel of wat guys tink cos this is one big question tat baffles me for a long long time... juz wanna know if i shd continue to stay in the relationship or leave him so tat he can find his right one soon, to start a family with and one to help him in his career?????? -
nah u are not selfish & i fully understand the anxiety that u are having.Originally posted by Daydreamzer:nonetheless guys and gals... thanks for your prompt advice... it feels much better to get it out than having to bottle it... perhaps... the best ans.. is to get it straight from the horse' mouth...
thanks a bunch!!! ^,^
go & get the ans from the horse mouth & make your decision from there. -
ok la understood... u go sort it out with him... if still no ans then fire him n give other guys a chance who are ready for marriage...Originally posted by Daydreamzer:aint afraid to share my age... the big 3-0... perhaps it doesnt mean much to a guy.. but for a gal... the biological clock is one tat' acting against it.... sometimes i wonder selfishly... if it might be better for him to find a gal who's younger than me, and then he probably wont feel the time pressure as much...
perhaps it's juz me making a mountain out of a non-issue... but at least in my shoes... it is real... the anxiety tat's building up... tat' not healthy cos i know it will cause unpleasantness as i tried to get an ans which he wont wan to give... -
i was asking my colleague the other day.. on y she broke up with her ex..
she said "the guy was wasting her time." they haf been together for like.. 10+ years. the guy has no intention to get married.
he loves his status with her. but just dun wana get married.
everytime she approach him.. n talk to him about marriage issues.. he avoid.
i suggest.. the 2 of u to sit down n haf a talk.
what are the plans for the both of you.
if he never hint.. or make any effort..
is best to leave.
is hard to leave cause we r too comfortable with our own comfort zone.
jia you! -
juz enjoy it....
i tihnk that guy juz wan the best 4 ya.. b4 he marry u
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True! i definitely agree with everybody, saying that MAN jus want to be the best b4 marriage.
No money no honey
Women always requested alot of things from man. Furniture, Housing, Shopping goods, gifts, surprises and etc. You named it, women always have a plan of wat to buy and where to stay after marriage. (maybe some of you dun agree with me)
These things comes with a price and of course $$. This creates an impression on the man, to work hard and earn more to satisfied women's need.
therefore a Heart to heart talk is very important. i always tell my gf. If want all those, i can achieve it for you. But the price is, i might not have time for her you and we agreed into marriage in 3 - 4 years time. Let her be mentally prepared for what coming ahead. She will anticipate it and be by your side to suport you
these are my 2 cents worth of advice -
Maybe you could explain to him your situation. Say that you want to be with him but the reality is that marriage is within your plans. If he tells you that its not possible in the next few years, you need to ask yourself if that is okay with you.
Maybe you could also ask him when if at all is marriage in his plans, so that you can decide for yourself if this is something you want to stay in.
all the best
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Why not the Girl says : "Girl can Finance the Marriage, Guy can pay me in instalments. "
Then get your own lawyer to prepare the papers , if you not happy get lawyer to divorce and write " Guy cannot finance the Marriage, Guy still pay me in instalments. "
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I am sharing my own personal experience here. I think I am willing to do that because anonymity is guaranteed here.
My wife and I hanged around for almost 10yrs before we finally married each other. It was primarily my very decision. The thing is, I made that decision almost solely because I concluded that she would stick around forever at all cost and I simply couldnt look her in the eyes and say "I dont want to get married". Did I love her? Yes, I did and I still do! But I think I feel more indebted to her than ...
While financial stability is a concern, it was no more a concern at that point than it is today. Like the saying goes "enough for one's need, not for once greed". In my case, what happened was, I sensed that I could easily enter a few other relationships with other girls so why giving up what could be better "options" to me by getting married? Though I didn't cheat on her, I admit, its sheer selfishness.
So Daydreamer, forget about having a show down with him however you try. It will be inconclusive! If I were him, I wouldnt come clean with my intention or plan. To him its like "the system aint broke, why fix it!"
Forgive me if this is not going down well with you. Hey, I am a guy -
Yes you are selfish by saying that. Maybe I am an idealist. My last relationship ended 3 years back. She is as you would also say, "stick around forever at all cost" type. However, she did hinted to me of setting down but deep down I feel she is not the one. Back then, we were around 26. I let her make the decision to break off and right now, she is happily married with a kid.Originally posted by passerbyJIA:My wife and I hanged around for almost 10yrs before we finally married each other. It was primarily my very decision. The thing is, I made that decision almost solely because I concluded that she would stick around forever at all cost and I simply couldnt look her in the eyes and say "I dont want to get married". Did I love her? Yes, I did and I still do! But I think I feel more indebted to her than ...
I understand that there is no right or wrong when it comes to relationships and also affairs of the heart are difficult to fathom. Maybe due to my busy schedule of work, studies and pursuing my interest, I do not have the space to accommodate another person into my life. But when I know that time or fate comes, I will get the right gal and settle down.
Other than that, I will not make that gal exclusively mine. Even in marriage, do you think that the guy/gal is exclusively yours? In terms of the physical being or the emotional aspect?
As a guy, its always good to have someone around (wife,gf/mistress) when ones need companionship. But do spare a thought the gal, esp when you know that it is not the ending that you wanted or would have hoped for.
I cannot fault you cos in the end you have married her. -
so how? daydreamzer tok to bf alre?? Conclusion?
seriously a gal 30 liao dun wait liao la, if wait somemore very disadvantage le -
This is the things that always bother all Singaporean couples.. GUy think must provide a good life then can married gal.Originally posted by ben1xy:I've been with my gf for 7 years. I am 25 coming 26 now. So maybe i can help explain.
Personally, i feel a need to settle all aspects of my life before i ask her to marry me.
I need to make sure i am financially stable,
i need to make sure i got my qualifications,
i need to make sure i can provide for her so that she won't experience hardship,
etc.
We discussed these issues a few times.
From her view: She doesn't need all these things, but she can see where I'm coming from
From mine: I won't be able to look her in the face, or even look myself in the face if i make her suffer with me (i know it sounds egoistical).
This is just a surface discussion on this matter. What you should do is to have a heart-to-heart talk with him
Good luck
But first of all,what yr gal wants?
HOw do u define hardship in yr context? She cannot walk more than 10mins of journey? So u die die must have a decent car like Toyota to fetch her around?
She cannot eat food court stuff and hawker food. If eat,consider suffering?
She must wear decent clothes like from boutique and cannot hangten,Balerno and basar Malam clothes?
She must live in good location HDB flat of at least 5 room flat? (Queenstown,Bishan, Ang Mo Kio)
She no need to do house work and u must die die hire a maid to do all house work and serve her?
She must at least go long overseas holiday once a year (Places like USA,France or Australia)
U must be able to maintain $600 of facial fee every month to ensure youthfulness of yr wife, Facial,Spa,massage?
Must able to hold a wedding ceremony at decent hotel of 25 tables with each table at least $600.
Wedding photo of at least $4000 for my darling..........
I used to think like u. If i cannot achieve that. Then I will not think abt r/s and get married. I don't dare to say u are wrong in thinking these way! Different people different thinking. But I start to ask myself,how long will I achieve these and is all these things my darling want?
Acutally starting a family is not as hard as u all think and don't require a lot of money and is not as complicated as u guy think. Is just what kind of character is yr partner and what kind of life style u wants to led. Most important is what she wants and not what u want her to led....
If u know u are not rich,don't find a spoilt gal who wants everything good!
I ask my gal,what she wants??
Answer: Yr ultimate love and a family with u[ she also don want to have first child at old age!(above 30yrs old)].
I did told her I cannot provide her luxuries but she say as long as we live within our means,can do liao.
I spend less than $12,0000 on a 4 rm HDB flat, Less than $8k on renovation(all flooring tiles,Full kitchen cabinet,whole flat painting) $4.5K on all furnitures.
I and my darling take up a 12k loan while our both combine CPF is $60K and we need to take additional $60K CPF loan with a loan period of 15 yrs!
We spend time look out for the best deal of our renovation. 1/3 of our furniture is second half. No plasma TV and Home threate system. We didn't spend money on Wedding photo and just held a house warming cum wedding buffet at our home of only $800.
We live within our means and I am happy to have home of our own. Most importantly,I have a understanding wife who is also content with what she has!
If I still continue to have the mentality of my past,I may never achieve or even marry at age of 40yrs old...
Marriage will be complicated if u think is complicated. Marriage will be simple if u think is that simple!
Is just a matter of yr and yr's parnter mentality! -
Well, it's all nice and good the stuff u posted canny. But there's so many issues to dwell upon. I am not you, you are not me. There are certain things in my life that you won't be able to comprehend. Neither will i be able to comprehend yours. That doesn't make either of us bad, naive or silly
A marriage in my definition is different from yours. When couples are dating, we share stories and dreams. We talk about the marriage she always wanted the ambience of the church, the nice honeymoon getaway, etc. These are things that i want to give to her. (The reason are deep and they shall remain private)
Beyond that, we need to pursue our dreams. She's chasing hers, i am chasing mine. We're miles apart due to our differing goals, but the love is still strong. Every relationship has it's own idiosyncracies, so you can't expect me to adopt yours.
With that being said, it's good that you're happily married. And you have nothing but my sincere well-wishes
cheers -
well guys... it' truly great to hear the differing views from all of you... while i can comprehend with ben's point of view from a guy who wants absolutely only the best for his gal... perhaps if only my guy can understand from my point of view too... tat a marriage need not b one event tat 'stops a nation'... as in requires lotsa $$$ to put together... i tink wat a gal needs is juz a simple promise from her bf... the lifelong commitment to love her and care for her...
i tink im juz like a love-struck gal... waiting patiently for the day to come when her guy proposes to her -- the ultimate exchange of a love promise... if u ask me again... i wld say -- yah, i will stick ard cos i love him.. hopefully my guy is one who eventually marries me for love... not out of 'feelings of indebtedness' cos i was ther beside him for the past years... i do hope tat if he ever look me in the eyes.. the only thot is "i love tis gal, and i wanna be wif her forever'...
anyway, can't really thank you all enough for hearing me out... and providing precious insights to a guy's world... really helpful... had a chat wif my guy and yes, he understands... but guess the time will soon come... to make all wishes come true... -
wahhh congrats!!
mus post date here when gonna marry off ya -
congrats... hope to hear ur wedding bells soon!
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from ur previous posts, i thought you are a girl?Originally posted by CannyOng:This is the things that always bother all Singaporean couples.. GUy think must provide a good life then can married gal.
But first of all,what yr gal wants?
HOw do u define hardship in yr context? She cannot walk more than 10mins of journey? So u die die must have a decent car like Toyota to fetch her around?
She cannot eat food court stuff and hawker food. If eat,consider suffering?
She must wear decent clothes like from boutique and cannot hangten,Balerno and basar Malam clothes?
She must live in good location HDB flat of at least 5 room flat? (Queenstown,Bishan, Ang Mo Kio)
She no need to do house work and u must die die hire a maid to do all house work and serve her?
She must at least go long overseas holiday once a year (Places like USA,France or Australia)
U must be able to maintain $600 of facial fee every month to ensure youthfulness of yr wife, Facial,Spa,massage?
Must able to hold a wedding ceremony at decent hotel of 25 tables with each table at least $600.
Wedding photo of at least $4000 for my darling..........
I used to think like u. If i cannot achieve that. Then I will not think abt r/s and get married. I don't dare to say u are wrong in thinking these way! Different people different thinking. But I start to ask myself,how long will I achieve these and is all these things my darling want?
Acutally starting a family is not as hard as u all think and don't require a lot of money and is not as complicated as u guy think. Is just what kind of character is yr partner and what kind of life style u wants to led. Most important is what she wants and not what u want her to led....
If u know u are not rich,don't find a spoilt gal who wants everything good!
I ask my gal,what she wants??
Answer: Yr ultimate love and a family with u[ she also don want to have first child at old age!(above 30yrs old)].
I did told her I cannot provide her luxuries but she say as long as we live within our means,can do liao.
I spend less than $12,0000 on a 4 rm HDB flat, Less than $8k on renovation(all flooring tiles,Full kitchen cabinet,whole flat painting) $4.5K on all furnitures.
I and my darling take up a 12k loan while our both combine CPF is $60K and we need to take additional $60K CPF loan with a loan period of 15 yrs!
We spend time look out for the best deal of our renovation. 1/3 of our furniture is second half. No plasma TV and Home threate system. We didn't spend money on Wedding photo and just held a house warming cum wedding buffet at our home of only $800.
We live within our means and I am happy to have home of our own. Most importantly,I have a understanding wife who is also content with what she has!
If I still continue to have the mentality of my past,I may never achieve or even marry at age of 40yrs old...
Marriage will be complicated if u think is complicated. Marriage will be simple if u think is that simple!
Is just a matter of yr and yr's parnter mentality! -
congrats that you found ur ideal one in life, cheersOriginally posted by Daydreamzer:well guys... it' truly great to hear the differing views from all of you... while i can comprehend with ben's point of view from a guy who wants absolutely only the best for his gal... perhaps if only my guy can understand from my point of view too... tat a marriage need not b one event tat 'stops a nation'... as in requires lotsa $$$ to put together... i tink wat a gal needs is juz a simple promise from her bf... the lifelong commitment to love her and care for her...
i tink im juz like a love-struck gal... waiting patiently for the day to come when her guy proposes to her -- the ultimate exchange of a love promise... if u ask me again... i wld say -- yah, i will stick ard cos i love him.. hopefully my guy is one who eventually marries me for love... not out of 'feelings of indebtedness' cos i was ther beside him for the past years... i do hope tat if he ever look me in the eyes.. the only thot is "i love tis gal, and i wanna be wif her forever'...
anyway, can't really thank you all enough for hearing me out... and providing precious insights to a guy's world... really helpful... had a chat wif my guy and yes, he understands... but guess the time will soon come... to make all wishes come true... -
just a few questionsOriginally posted by Daydreamzer:hihi all.... if a guy is in a long-term relationship with a girl, say almost 6 years, and yet no hint of getting a house nor concrete plans of getting married/ROM... does tat mean tat the guy is not really keen at all on marrying this gal? Though he gave her reasons that he is not financially stable to start up a family yet, could tat translate to mean this girl ain't the right one... who will help him in his career?
juz kinda wanna get a feel of wat guys tink cos this is one big question tat baffles me for a long long time... juz wanna know if i shd continue to stay in the relationship or leave him so tat he can find his right one soon, to start a family with and one to help him in his career??????
1) Does your bf pays for all your meals?
2) Does he pay for your needs?
3) If both of you are married will you be sharing with him? -
Give him time. I think before a couple goes into marriage, first they need to stabilize their financial status first.
We might always say that money is not important in a relationship, but the issue is always there. He might not want to see you suffer in the future if he doesn't have enough money to support you. But also depends on what kind of lifestyle you want to lead. Talk to him, don't avoid the marriage issue, find out why he has been delaying. Find out the worries he has. If he says it is because he is not able to provide for you, tell him that you don't mind a simpler lifestyle (this is what I would say for I would truly not mind, but I dunno about you).
Good luck and all the best! -
i hv always believe in being equal... so i earn my keep... dun wanna b a burden to anyone... i truly believe that to share most things in a relationship including finance... is perhaps the best way to show respect and refrain from taking each other for granted...Originally posted by zeny:just a few questions
1) Does your bf pays for all your meals?
2) Does he pay for your needs?
3) If both of you are married will you be sharing with him? -
i guess from the posts here, marriage is indeed abt $$... much as we dread touching on the sensitive topic... and in the end...it' $$ tat kills the romance...and i tink a couple in a long-running relationship.. these are the few unavoidable issues to overcome -- the loss of romance as each other gets busy with other aspects of life amidst shifting priorities... trying to attain a so-called higher lifestyle... if only things are simpler... if only no need to worry for money... then perhaps love can b cultivated and nurtured easily... but aint tat easily done as said... nt in the present materialistic world we're living in...Originally posted by rainee:Give him time. I think before a couple goes into marriage, first they need to stabilize their financial status first.
We might always say that money is not important in a relationship, but the issue is always there. He might not want to see you suffer in the future if he doesn't have enough money to support you. But also depends on what kind of lifestyle you want to lead. Talk to him, don't avoid the marriage issue, find out why he has been delaying. Find out the worries he has. If he says it is because he is not able to provide for you, tell him that you don't mind a simpler lifestyle (this is what I would say for I would truly not mind, but I dunno about you).
Good luck and all the best!
but then again... it' still these challenges tat help the love bonds to grow stronger... tat makes the love so real... and i shall continue to remind myself of the little acts of love he showered on me thru these 5+ years... so i hope else others who are in similar shoes, will feel the same too... -
Yea last time I also thought as long as there is love, everything will work out fine. But as I grow older, the more I realize the importance of money in this materialistic world we live in...Originally posted by Daydreamzer:i guess from the posts here, marriage is indeed abt $$... much as we dread touching on the sensitive topic... and in the end...it' $$ tat kills the romance...and i tink a couple in a long-running relationship.. these are the few unavoidable issues to overcome -- the loss of romance as each other gets busy with other aspects of life amidst shifting priorities... trying to attain a so-called higher lifestyle... if only things are simpler... if only no need to worry for money... then perhaps love can b cultivated and nurtured easily... but aint tat easily done as said... nt in the present materialistic world we're living in...
but then again... it' still these challenges tat help the love bonds to grow stronger... tat makes the love so real... and i shall continue to remind myself of the little acts of love he showered on me thru these 5+ years... so i hope else others who are in similar shoes, will feel the same too...
The wedding itself gonna cost a lot (unless you do not want to have wedding dinner and fancy honeymoon etc), plus the house and renovation...will need thousands.
Yea I always remind myself of the small acts of love my dear has done for me all this while