I need help..
-
I agree with doko. You should not have started a r/s with a married man. How would his wife feel?Originally posted by dokono:Lady, you are still young at 26, are you sure you really want to spend you life with a person whose heart is divided between you and his wife? Even though your heart tells you so? Would you mind being the smaller wife ? When I first read the first paragraph, I thought ok, maybe the boyfriend is really planning for the future.
Then in the 2nd paragraph, you said horrors of horrors... he's married! What are you doing with a married guy in the first place? Although I know logic cannot talk you out of your emotional attachment to him, you have to be clear he's a married man. In other words, does he love you or his wife? What if you are the wife and there's this invisible woman in the background who is seeing your husband? Would you like it? Stay clear of married people, man or woman. It's an unhealthy relationship.
Now this man deserves to get bashed. After what you did for him, he can simply say : "hey, it's over between us." and kick you aside like a soccer ball. Do you really think divorce is as simple as he says ? It involves a lot of cost especially in terms of money. If I were him, I might not even want to divorce, considering now if Im found out to be dating this woman, I can be accused of adultery, which will be even worse. All will be against me. Do you think I will want to get divorced after so much trouble I went through during marriage?
Actually I shouldn't have said so much. I could have just given you one advice. Date other guys who are single, eligible and available. You are already 26. Try to be sensible and mature. I believe there are still guys that will sweep off your feet, your Prince Charming.
Your situation has made me realise one fact of life: most girls will share a guy who is in demand than to be with a faithful loser.
doko
Im sorry but I feel for the wife. Its is terrible of you to do what you did.
You're so selfish.
As a woman, I feel disgusted. -
Originally posted by Chii_Chii:
The first thing to realize is that you should not behave according to what you think is right or correct and act and behave according to your beliefs. What you think is right or correct and your beliefs brought you to this sorry state and situation.
I am 26 this year. Having spent the last 3 yrs with my bf, with like no plans to get married becoz he say we are not finanicially stable enuf yet. Though I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, many circumstances DO NOT allow me to do so.
Another Problem is tat he is married. Though he says he no longer sees his wife anymore. I dunno if i should trust tat and keep on living my life like a invisible 3rd party.
I dun wan to waste my time waiting like an idiot. Doing everything practically like what a wife would do for him, but STILL, I'm jus his GF.
My parents are urging me to get married... but.. I dunno what to tell my parents about his status. Theres no signs tat he's going to settle his divorce anytime yet.
He told me to wait... for the maturity of his matrimonial house and his ROM date to turn 5... It already turned 6 this yr...How long do I have to wait?
I feel so sad... Gave up a good job offer becoz he dun like it, jus for him.
I think I am so silly....
Any advices regarding what I should do about it?
Please help... Sighs...[b][/b]
There are no perfect answers but there are better answers.
Let's look at the facts.
1. He made a vow to his wife... "till death do we part" and "cling only to her and no other" "for better or for worse".
He broke the vow he made in front of all his friends and relatives and the commissioner of marriage. Many people I understand take the making vow as only a formality and meaningless ritual.
Still, should you trust him with simply sweet words and excuses from him? He took vows and broke them! I suggest you do not trust him with only sweet words and verbal promises.
Sure you might want to trust him if he says he is willing to marry you and start a bank account in your name, put money in it for your marriage plans and housing needs when the two of you live together.
Like I said there are no "perfect" answers but this, I would think is better than only "sweet words" and "promises". I bet that if you ask him to put the money where his mouth is, he will claim that you are money face and leave you. Excuses, excuses...
2. You are still young and have good opportunities to find a suitable mate. If you wait until you are older... then you will suffer the consequences.
3. If you have this man to cling on to, you will not make much of an effort to find someone and you might not have the time to find someone.
4. Your parents will always be your parents no matter how much you fail or mess up... they should be the last of the worries in your mind...
Look at some of the good advice here and the reasoning behind the advice and take the advice... and like I said... you should not behave according to what you think is right or correct and act and behave according to your beliefs. What you think is right or correct and your beliefs brought you to this sorry state and situation...... -
You do not know the whole story and so please don't be so quick to condemn....Originally posted by ilovethesun:I agree with doko. You should not have started a r/s with a married man. How would his wife feel?
Im sorry but I feel for the wife. Its is terrible of you to do what you did.
You're so selfish.
As a woman, I feel disgusted. -
Originally posted by Chii_Chii:
I am 26 this year. Having spent the last 3 yrs with my bf, with like no plans to get married becoz he say we are not finanicially stable enuf yet. Though I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, many circumstances DO NOT allow me to do so.
Another Problem is tat he is married. Though he says he no longer sees his wife anymore. I dunno if i should trust tat and keep on living my life like a invisible 3rd party.
I dun wan to waste my time waiting like an idiot. Doing everything practically like what a wife would do for him, but STILL, I'm jus his GF.
My parents are urging me to get married... but.. I dunno what to tell my parents about his status. Theres no signs tat he's going to settle his divorce anytime yet.
He told me to wait... for the maturity of his matrimonial house and his ROM date to turn 5... It already turned 6 this yr...How long do I have to wait?
I feel so sad... Gave up a good job offer becoz he dun like it, jus for him.
I think I am so silly....
Any advices regarding what I should do about it?
Please help... Sighs...[b][/b]
We can never anticipate how our love will begin or turn out because back in our childhood days, we often fantasize how romantic or splendid our relationship will be in the future, loving the seemingly perfect mate in bliss and happiness.
I used to wonder why some people have this penchant of falling for married man/woman. Of course, apart from being karmic in nature, sometimes, it's just the quality of unavailability that attracts itself on higher level. It's subconscious in nature and appears to defy logics – after all, how can someone being unavailable be an attractive factor?
CloUdiSm states 'We attract the quality we exude' - when our unconsciousness are apt towards people who are unavailable or apt towards the notion of a 'suffering love' - such scenarios are likely to happen and we see ourselves getting entangled in them, bleeding from the tentacles of deception.
Firstly, you must understand that each of us uniquely have our own separate needs. Being in love doesn't necessarily means that our needs are similar, in fact, it's often the opposite - having complementary needs. You probably love being in love with him, but that doesn't mean the same for him. Coming from a complicated marriage, it's highly possible that you might just be an element of escapism for him - forging a sub-rosa relationship by serving as a avenue of emotional comfort whenever he has unresolved marital conflicts with his wife.
His intention of having this relationship might not be as linear - where you can safety upgrade yourself to a marriage from a relationship. His hesitation betrayed strongly of this as chances are, he might not even be thinking of leaving his wife completely.
Loving him is one thing, being suitable is another - many people often claimed about how much they loved their ex, but seriously does that constitute to suitability? And eventually, how have their relationship turn out to be?
P.S: I am not advocating you to break up, but I want you to know that the circumstances you are driven into have already been predicted since day one. When you accepted a clandestine relationship with a married man, you must be prepared to face all the adversities thrown into your path. This is termed as RHC in CloUdiSm (Relationship of Higher Complication).
Is love enough to sustain all these challenges? Or rather, is this love something close to what you have picture it to be after three years?
Please do not be bounded to think that after three years, this man is someone you must marry. In fact, if someone is simply not suitable, dragging and lengthening your relationship might amount to nothing at the end of the road.
You simply can't make an unsuitable man... suitable.
Cheers -
Chii-Chii..
You cannot live without him.
Can he live without you ?
When a man cannot live without the woman he loves, he will do all he can to make sure she stays with him. Is your man doing the same to you ?
By not adhering to his promise, isn't he implying that you ain't that important to him afterall ?
If you leave him, your heart will break. Your world will crumble.
If you leave him, he has nothing to lose but goes back to his wife.
Are you really that important to him ? Or are you merely his convenience. -
Relax.26 dun have to so hurry...slowly find ur MR right.
-
Originally posted by Chii_Chii:
1) Is he rich?
I am 26 this year. Having spent the last 3 yrs with my bf, with like no plans to get married becoz he say we are not finanicially stable enuf yet. Though I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, many circumstances DO NOT allow me to do so.
Another Problem is tat he is married. Though he says he no longer sees his wife anymore. I dunno if i should trust tat and keep on living my life like a invisible 3rd party.
I dun wan to waste my time waiting like an idiot. Doing everything practically like what a wife would do for him, but STILL, I'm jus his GF.
My parents are urging me to get married... but.. I dunno what to tell my parents about his status. Theres no signs tat he's going to settle his divorce anytime yet.
He told me to wait... for the maturity of his matrimonial house and his ROM date to turn 5... It already turned 6 this yr...How long do I have to wait?
I feel so sad... Gave up a good job offer becoz he dun like it, jus for him.
I think I am so silly....
Any advices regarding what I should do about it?
Please help... Sighs...[b][/b]
2) is he that handsome?
3) You are with him for 3 years knowing he is married and he did not even want to divorce his wife?
4) He still sleep with his wife when they are suppose to talk about divorce?
5) Do you actually know what you are doing?
Actually I wonder, was the point of even advicing you at all?
You know in your heart this guy is playing with your feelings and you still do not want to face it and instead run and hide behind hopes that he will leave his wife.
If he loves you ask him to produce his divorce letter first.
If not is just crap to you and you know it in your heart.
I do not see the point in advicing anymore cos no action means is just a waste of tme advicing you and you do not want to do anything about it. -
I guess it isnt really as easy as it seems to be to ask her to leave him for good. And she should be given the benefit of the doubt of whether or not she is the third party, so please dont blame her (yet) for getting involved with a married man. There could be many reasons for that. How about this simple reason: He didnt tell her beforehand that he's married because he saw an end to his previous marriage and he liked her and did not want to scare her away, so he didnt tell her.
Life is a drag (for some). -
Let me clear the air for a while..
First, I was together with him becoz he said something like wife packed her bag n left him... to go with another man....
How much of this is truth or facts, I dun really know. I have not seen his wife b4.But I do get nightmares of this X person very often...
Married man still deserve a chance.I dun think he saw it coming to suffer a broken relationship. I'm not a s.l.u.t who snatch him away from her. I went with him becoz I could feel some sadness n I do have real feelings to be with him as I too had a broken relationship lasting 5 yrs. I went with my current bf a year after i broke up with my ex.
Ex was a childish person who suspects me day n night of committing adultery. Clubbing was a major problem, I was outgoing, but he was somewhat more to an introvert, one who likes to stay home all day long with his game consoles...I Cant stand e way he treats me... So i say to him, Lets break up... for a few months, he kept on telling me to give him a chance. He prepared breakfast for me for months, delivered them to my house n left for work, This is something he NEVER do 4 mi b4..I feel so touched... but why did he do all this when he lost me? I told myself NO!!... We cant be happy together as he always suspects me.
He threw my pager from 14th floor jus becoz a friend paged goodnite to me.
I suffered alot... Much more den my current RS.
He slapped me b4 too... made me cried till theres no more tears left behind..
Few months later, he was attached.. I wasnt, till a year later.
Thats like when I met up with my current bf, sort of instantly fell in love with him.
He didnt mention tat he was married there n then , and wife left him for a year over already.... a few months later he told me abt it... and I was contemplating if I should go ahead.
I told myself, yes, why not? Den i agreed to start this rs with him.. from there, my feelings led me to where I am today..I'm not sure if I made the right choice to go ahead...Some more, I didnt break up his marriage in the ist place.I'm not a 3rd party too. I'm helping him pick up the pieces of the aftermath,which still isnt resolved yet..
The rest is problems i faced and I'm seeking help/advices in this thread.
So tats like almost how the story is ... -
Just want to point out a few things.Originally posted by Chii_Chii:Let me clear the air for a while..
First, I was together with him becoz he said something like wife packed her bag n left him... to go with another man....
How much of this is truth or facts, I dun really know. I have not seen his wife b4.But I do get nightmares of this X person very often...
Married man still deserve a chance.I dun think he saw it coming to suffer a broken relationship. I'm not a s.l.u.t who snatch him away from her. I went with him becoz I could feel some sadness n I do have real feelings to be with him as I too had a broken relationship lasting 5 yrs. I went with my current bf a year after i broke up with my ex.
Ex was a childish person who suspects me day n night of committing adultery. Clubbing was a major problem, I was outgoing, but he was somewhat more to an introvert, one who likes to stay home all day long with his game consoles...I Cant stand e way he treats me... So i say to him, Lets break up... for a few months, he kept on telling me to give him a chance. He prepared breakfast for me for months, delivered them to my house n left for work, This is something he NEVER do 4 mi b4..I feel so touched... but why did he do all this when he lost me? I told myself NO!!... We cant be happy together as he always suspects me.
He threw my pager from 14th floor jus becoz a friend paged goodnite to me.
I suffered alot... Much more den my current RS.
He slapped me b4 too... made me cried till theres no more tears left behind..
Few months later, he was attached.. I wasnt, till a year later.
Thats like when I met up with my current bf, sort of instantly fell in love with him.
He didnt mention tat he was married there n then , and wife left him for a year over already.... a few months later he told me abt it... and I was contemplating if I should go ahead.
I told myself, yes, why not? Den i agreed to start this rs with him.. from there, my feelings led me to where I am today..I'm not sure if I made the right choice to go ahead...Some more, I didnt break up his marriage in the ist place.I'm not a 3rd party too. I'm helping him pick up the pieces of the aftermath,which still isnt resolved yet..
The rest is problems i faced and I'm seeking help/advices in this thread.
So tats like almost how the story is ...
1) Since you have agree to start a rs with him then why all the worries then?
You said that you are not the 3rd party and did not break up with his marriage then you are you to him?
a) A gf to a married guy?
b) Some mistress as the singapore law allows only one wife?
c) A person who sleeps with him and do all the chores for him?
Maybe you should let him ask the question.
2) From your story above i discover something. You are trying to escape from your pervious relationship. You hate your ex for controling you so much and you want freedom. If i guess correctly your current bf does not control you and allows lots of freedom. But do you realise that you are exactly becoming your ex, your checks and worries if he sleeps with his wife have become something which you could not hide anymore but you just refuse to say it aloud to him for fear he will leave you.
The ending for this is actually already fix. If he loves you he will do the Divouce for your sake. I really cannot imagine a guy who will not divoce his wife since she ran away and slept with other guys.
Since you decide to be with him to the end then there is no point asking for advices when you do not wish to listern to them at all. -
Chii_chii,Originally posted by Chii_Chii:Let me clear the air for a while..
First, I was together with him becoz he said something like wife packed her bag n left him... to go with another man....
How much of this is truth or facts, I dun really know. I have not seen his wife b4.But I do get nightmares of this X person very often...
Married man still deserve a chance.I dun think he saw it coming to suffer a broken relationship. I'm not a s.l.u.t who snatch him away from her. I went with him becoz I could feel some sadness n I do have real feelings to be with him as I too had a broken relationship lasting 5 yrs. I went with my current bf a year after i broke up with my ex.
Ex was a childish person who suspects me day n night of committing adultery. Clubbing was a major problem, I was outgoing, but he was somewhat more to an introvert, one who likes to stay home all day long with his game consoles...I Cant stand e way he treats me... So i say to him, Lets break up... for a few months, he kept on telling me to give him a chance. He prepared breakfast for me for months, delivered them to my house n left for work, This is something he NEVER do 4 mi b4..I feel so touched... but why did he do all this when he lost me? I told myself NO!!... We cant be happy together as he always suspects me.
He threw my pager from 14th floor jus becoz a friend paged goodnite to me.
I suffered alot... Much more den my current RS.
He slapped me b4 too... made me cried till theres no more tears left behind..
Few months later, he was attached.. I wasnt, till a year later.
Thats like when I met up with my current bf, sort of instantly fell in love with him.
He didnt mention tat he was married there n then , and wife left him for a year over already.... a few months later he told me abt it... and I was contemplating if I should go ahead.
I told myself, yes, why not? Den i agreed to start this rs with him.. from there, my feelings led me to where I am today..I'm not sure if I made the right choice to go ahead...Some more, I didnt break up his marriage in the ist place.I'm not a 3rd party too. I'm helping him pick up the pieces of the aftermath,which still isnt resolved yet..
The rest is problems i faced and I'm seeking help/advices in this thread.
So tats like almost how the story is ...
Thank you for clarifying.
This helps alot.
The way I see it is very clear cut.
His wife left him.
He is a dejected man.
You conveniently comes into his life, to provide him some solace.
His feelings for his wife still lingers.
You are unable to replace the void his wife left him.
He is looking for someone whom is capable of replacing that void.
You are not the one.
If you think you can waste more of your time with this man.
You have to take a gamble. 50 percent chances of winning.
Are you game ?
Are you willing to lay down 5 more years ? maybe 10 more years to wait for this man ? -
Yes, I think I may not be the one of his choice...
If not things wont drag till now.....
Things wont happen over 1 night...
I want to give comfort to him by being with him, but i am not helping myself...
How should i go abt approaching this issue?
Yes, Both of them DID Break their vows towards each other.
If a marriage fail, n both of them dun wan to settle their status, what can i do abt it?
Maybe my past life i owe him alot.. so this life i have to be like tat.
Should his love for me is true n real, He will show me by actions..not jus words.
Its conclusive tat I have to start the fire n open up n ask him to give me a reasonable explanation for whatever doubts I have........
I'm so saddened.. but i have to accept the facts... I Know everyone one here is trying to help me.. For that, I thank you guys n gals...
Big Thanks!! -
Originally posted by Chii_Chii:
As I was reading this, I felt a sense of deja vu, because this seems almost a repeat of what happened to someone close to me. I would like to ask you something. Are you happy being in this relationship with him?
I am 26 this year. Having spent the last 3 yrs with my bf, with like no plans to get married becoz he say we are not finanicially stable enuf yet. Though I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, many circumstances DO NOT allow me to do so.
Another Problem is tat he is married. Though he says he no longer sees his wife anymore. I dunno if i should trust tat and keep on living my life like a invisible 3rd party.
I dun wan to waste my time waiting like an idiot. Doing everything practically like what a wife would do for him, but STILL, I'm jus his GF.
My parents are urging me to get married... but.. I dunno what to tell my parents about his status. Theres no signs tat he's going to settle his divorce anytime yet.
He told me to wait... for the maturity of his matrimonial house and his ROM date to turn 5... It already turned 6 this yr...How long do I have to wait?
I feel so sad... Gave up a good job offer becoz he dun like it, jus for him.
I think I am so silly....
Any advices regarding what I should do about it?
Please help... Sighs...[b][/b]
I am asking u this question because you know his status when u first got involved with him. You know that given his status of being a married man with committments back then, u chose to go with ur heart, and got involved with a man like this. You should have prepared urself for the possibility that given a choice between u or his wife and family, he may choose them over u. Right now, if u are happy in this relationship,if you think that you want the happy memories to continue, if u feel that u still want to rough it out with him, then by all means stay in the relationship.
But if u think its time to start living for urself, its time 2 settle down, and that he cannot give u the things u want, then maybe its time to harden ur feelings, let ur head rule over ur heart, and break up with him.
In the end, its all up to urself dear girl. You can either continue to remain status quo, or u can go on another route without him by ur side anymore. In the end, it all depends on which route do u think will lead u to happiness. -
Originally posted by Chii_Chii:
Stop being silly.
Any advices regarding what I should do about it?
Please help... Sighs...[b][/b]
You know what you ought to do/have done.