Love woes
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hey troubled_in_love...
maybe tis will help...read it n feel free to pm me if u dun understand...
http://sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=221569 -
Too bad dude, Once you're married, you STICK WITH HER.
One wife, one life. Love is not emotion or feelings or liking...
Love is a committment, u have to learn how to develop a passion for your wife from now on.
I'll despise you if you let her down for a 3rd party that you "love." -
Hi TS,Originally posted by troubled_in_love:What you guys have said are very true. I agree that I am the antagoniser in this story and all the fault and blame lies on me. And my wife deserve someone better than me and I should tell her my situation and face it bravely. Maybe I am indeed the coward that hides behind a forum and seek advises from the other people instead of facing it one to one.
On the buddhist story, I find it interesting but it also in a way tells that everybody in the world is the same and there is no special one out there. Is that the truth about love ? Is marrying someone just because you can live with her and not because you are truly crazy about her the right way ? All love will die and shrink and everybody you are with, no matter how deeply you are in love with, goes back to the same ending ? I think maybe I am too idealistic about love.
Back to your quote, of course all love will die, when the mortal beings die... but while you live, love your wife with all your heart...
By the way I am a year into the marriage. And I am not going to have a fling with the other girl and it is the worst thing to do.
I think I know what you are going through... the truth is the grass is always greener on the other side... and what is outof reach seems better...
As for your interpretation of the buddhist story, I would like to propose an alternative view... it doesn't say "there is no special one out there" implicitly. You CHOSE to interpret it as such... Make your wife the special one then... don't feel like it? DO it still! Don't love her anymore....LOVE her then.... love the feeling is the product of love, the verb, my friend...
The meaning of marriage and the vows you have taken in the ROM room (or whatever venue), implicitly says that you would forsake the chance to leave your wife for another girl, even if the latter is prettier, richer, more demure, gentler, and better than your wife in every way...
Your wife doesn't deserve someone better, your wife deserves a BETTER you! What makes you think she can find someone better, even though that thought will make you feel better and less guilty..
I would be tempted to call you a DUDE, if I haven't gone through the same thing myself... -
Originally posted by troubled_in_love:
I think the part in bold forms the basis of your dilemma. The only mistake you've made in this whole episode is not being true to yourself - I could be wrong in my assessment, but that's your call. This is clearly born out by your various accounts of marrying your wife out of convenience (from her age to the fact that you couldn't bear to breakup prior to marriage and just went with the flow) rather than love.
I know what I am going to receive from a lot of replies here. Insult and jokes and cheeky replies. It is okie. I still post my story and still wanna see the feedbacks from the rest of the people who treat it seriously.
To cut the long story short, I am in love with another girl. That is not unusual. It is supposed to be a good thing. However the problem is I have a wife.
Yup I am a bastard and I deserve to be castrated.
Let me ask back a question in return. When you marry, who will you choose ? A person you like a lot, but do not like u as much. Or a person who like you a lot but you do not like tat much ? This is because in the past, I always thought tat it is not possible to find a person who you like and like you in return. I always thought that is a Moulin rouge fantasy and that is why I choose to find a person who like me a lot. I think a lot of people will choose this because it is supposed to be fortunate to have someone who like you and dote on you while it is tiring to love someone who do not love u that much in return.
However Moulin rouge fantasy is the right way to go. One should find someone he loves a lot and in return, love you. Even though it seems impossibleÂ… even though there are no perfect things in the worldÂ…It is the right thing to do. If u choose the above question to be someone who like you a lot but you do not like in return, you will face a severe dilemma like me. Later on in life you find someone who you like a lot and like you in return. But it is already too late.
Typical story is like this. I used to like a girl a lot. I crazily chased her. I failed. Totally miserable with no confidence in myself anymore. Met another girl. Seems to like me. Go out for a few dates. Acceptable and become girlfriend. Eventually become wife. However we face problems such as me lacking passion and energy in planning anything in the future with her or do anything for her. There is just noÂ… enthusiasmÂ… I never really crazily like my wife but I can live with her for many years. There are no real problems except having little enthusiasm for anything related to her and it is straining her. Then I met another girl and I started to like her. I go back to the time when I crazily like a girl again. We have similar character, similar hobbies and we like each other. Whenever I think of the future with her, it is something I always wanted in life. When I think of my future with my wife, all I see isÂ….. a normal lifeÂ…..
So what should I do ? Divorce and try to seek a new life with the new found love ? We only live once and being in a unfeeling relationship is not helping any of the parties. Stay with my wife and become a moral and responsible man ? Furthermore all love dies down one day and I just never see the potential problems I have with the new love.
What should one choose ?
Unlike some others who have opined in this thread, I neither believe the woman you're infatuated with nor your wife to be the cause or primary consideration in this picture as far as resolving your personal dilemma goes - so long as you are unable to convince yourself the one you're with (whoever this may be) is worth a priceless lifetime which you only get to live once, this problem will never be fully eradicated. The quintessential difference between relationships and other aspects of your life where you could apply the "you only live once" philosophy to (and thereby, justifying the need to get the best deal out of everything in life) is that you have to live with your decision and that these decisions are oftentimes irrevocable. After all, you can't ditch your wife now and expect to remarry her later on if you can't find a better mate the way you could ditch using a brand of soap for another and revert back to the original later, can you?
That said, I don't think you should live with your mistake of not having been true to yourself when making commitments to your present marriage. If anything, it's time you followed your instincts (which are evident, albeit subtle) and start being true to yourself in the decisions you take. While I may have a hunch of what you might decide to do, it's still very much your call to make (wanting to make a decision and actually having the courage to do so are different matters altogether) - and one that needs to be made for you to be true to yourself. After all, you only live once.
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Absolutely agreeOriginally posted by rainee:When you marry someone, you make a decision to be with that person forever..
I remember reading somewhere, there will always be better person out there. Someone whom you will think is prettier, more suitable for you, etc.
But what makes marriage works is commitment. The willingness to continue to stick to each other, to talk any problem out, and to find a solution for them. Not just giving up the moment you meet the "better" person.
For you haven't been with that person long enough. Now it is all good and nice. But when you are with her long enough, you will also find out that there are parts of her that turn you off, and remember there is always someone better out there, and what happens next when you meet one of them again?
When will this ever end?
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hmmm... I can feel a sense of guilty in yr past few post... Actually, u do not really need to feel tat guilty. It is normal for u to feel these way... I have friends that r exactly like u... Only thing is their case is much much much worse than yrs... I can ony describe their actions as ridiculous... and their wife's reactions as astonishing...
From yr past few post, I can sense there are still elements of love towards yr wife...
Anyway, there is only two choice u can do : Stay with yr wife or leave yr wife. But the first beginning step is to let yr wife noes how u feel... U can either do it by yrself or ask a third party who yr wife respect or listen to help u...
y u have to do the above ???
1) If finally u leave yr wife,
i) At least, yr wife wont have a heart attack. U have given her preparation on y u leave her so she can take the pain much easier and carry on her life much faster...
ii) Yr wife may want to salvage these relationship. So pls dont be selfish and give her a chance to do it
2) If u stay with yr wife,
i) U and yr wife can come up with a solution that minimised the hurt u have... A solution that compromises both sides... It is better than letting yrself bear all the burder and problem
ii) The discussion may turn up to be a surprise ending where both of u may end up having a plan to look forward to... For example, plan kids , plan holiday and blah blah...
There are other good points to let yr wife noe how u feel but tat is all I can think of right now... In AA, we cant really help u much lah... Coz, in the end, u understand yr wife the most and yr wife understand u the most too... -
hi troubled_in_love,
After reading your post, and the various posts by other forumites, i can understand yr confusion. I can also understand why some of them have lashed out at you about not being fair for your wife, because that's what i feel too.
Its like your entire life is a lie, for the past few years she has been loving someone who doesn't love her even half of what she has given.
Its just not fair isn't it?
And what will you do? You found that your marriage has become stale, because you feel that you have never loved her in the first place. This is the main problem here, in case you haven't noticed.
I can't judge your character, but i can tell you that it hasn't been fair for her these past years. You can be a jerk and just go for the other girl, since your marriage is stale and un-moving anyways.
Or you can solve the root of your problem, by being fair to her at the same time. Try, yes, try your best to love her, for what she is, for all she's done for you, for the fact that she married you and is your wife, for the fact that you have said those marriage vows willingly.
If you have tried and you still can't remove the obstacle in your mind, then i guess you know what to do.
Good luck,
Aaron -
Spare a thought for your wife, you took her hands and married her.
It's funny how you find her "acceptable", later on date her and eventually married her. That is already a major insult to the sacredness of a holy union.
You mentioned your lack of enthusiasm and the lack of passion, the right course of action would be putting in more effort to create a successful marriage and to rekindle the flames!
People tend to stray after awhile, if you have the "I realise somebody suits me better than my wife" mentality, don't be surprised how many marriages you will fail.
There is no pursuit for a perfect partner, there is no chest of gold at the rainbow's ends. There is only bringing out the best from each other, the acceptance of every imperfections and the effort to keep the flames alive.
I do not condemn you, but I despise your actions. I implore you to treat marriage with greater respect. -
Someone will get hurt in such situation...
You already made a choice that you regreted making...
Don't make another choice that will make you regret... -
From what I could perceive from your post you are in love with love not in love with the person that is your present wife or even the new woman.Originally posted by troubled_in_love:I know what I am going to receive from a lot of replies here. Insult and jokes and cheeky replies. It is okie. I still post my story and still wanna see the feedbacks from the rest of the people who treat it seriously.
To cut the long story short, I am in love with another girl. That is not unusual. It is supposed to be a good thing. However the problem is I have a wife.
Yup I am a bastard and I deserve to be castrated.
Let me ask back a question in return. When you marry, who will you choose ? A person you like a lot, but do not like u as much. Or a person who like you a lot but you do not like tat much ? This is because in the past, I always thought tat it is not possible to find a person who you like and like you in return. I always thought that is a Moulin rouge fantasy and that is why I choose to find a person who like me a lot. I think a lot of people will choose this because it is supposed to be fortunate to have someone who like you and dote on you while it is tiring to love someone who do not love u that much in return.
However Moulin rouge fantasy is the right way to go. One should find someone he loves a lot and in return, love you. Even though it seems impossibleÂ… even though there are no perfect things in the worldÂ…It is the right thing to do. If u choose the above question to be someone who like you a lot but you do not like in return, you will face a severe dilemma like me. Later on in life you find someone who you like a lot and like you in return. But it is already too late.
Typical story is like this. I used to like a girl a lot. I crazily chased her. I failed. Totally miserable with no confidence in myself anymore. Met another girl. Seems to like me. Go out for a few dates. Acceptable and become girlfriend. Eventually become wife. However we face problems such as me lacking passion and energy in planning anything in the future with her or do anything for her. There is just noÂ… enthusiasmÂ… I never really crazily like my wife but I can live with her for many years. There are no real problems except having little enthusiasm for anything related to her and it is straining her. Then I met another girl and I started to like her. I go back to the time when I crazily like a girl again. We have similar character, similar hobbies and we like each other. Whenever I think of the future with her, it is something I always wanted in life. When I think of my future with my wife, all I see isÂ….. a normal lifeÂ…..
So what should I do ? Divorce and try to seek a new life with the new found love ? We only live once and being in a unfeeling relationship is not helping any of the parties. Stay with my wife and become a moral and responsible man ? Furthermore all love dies down one day and I just never see the potential problems I have with the new love.
What should one choose ?
Marriages are not a bed of roses as what everyone wants to believe. Remember the thorns?
If you still value this marriage then I think you need to open your heart and eyes and really look at this woman that you married and try to work it out. Unless she has not been doing her part as a wife should be then I don't think it's fair of you to give her such treatment. She doesn't need to suffer. She deserve better. -
I feel very sad for you.Originally posted by troubled_in_love:What you guys have said are very true. I agree that I am the antagoniser in this story and all the fault and blame lies on me. And my wife deserve someone better than me and I should tell her my situation and face it bravely. Maybe I am indeed the coward that hides behind a forum and seek advises from the other people instead of facing it one to one.
On the buddhist story, I find it interesting but it also in a way tells that everybody in the world is the same and there is no special one out there. Is that the truth about love ? Is marrying someone just because you can live with her and not because you are truly crazy about her the right way ? All love will die and shrink and everybody you are with, no matter how deeply you are in love with, goes back to the same ending ? I think maybe I am too idealistic about love.
By the way I am a year into the marriage. And I am not going to have a fling with the other girl and it is the worst thing to do.
For you have repeatedly chose to see what you want to see.
And chose to think what you want to think.
Love is bigger than what your idea of it is.
Love is always, cup is half full. NOT half empty.
Love is the eternal optimist, NOT the pessimist.
Yes there is a special one out there.
Truth is, she don't manisfest herself in a stranger you bump into.
The special one is one whom you have chosen to make her special.
Still don't understand ?
You have chosen to make that other girl special, by focusing on the side you desire to see. She is not perfect, there will be flaws, yet you chose to make her special by denying this side of her.
You can choose to make your wife the special one, by focusing on the good part of her. Yet you chose to ignore this. Is she such a monster that there is no good about her for you to LOVE ??
You have the ability to love your wife, yet you chose not to.
In LOVE, there is no easy way in, and there is no easy way out.
LOVE IS WORK.
LOVE IS CHOICE.
The true answer you seek is.
YES, a loveless Union between TWO strangers CAN blossom into ETERNAL LOVE.
You can try to start LOVING your wife , or you can constantly chase that elusive Rainbow of Love. -
This sentence shows that you know the answer already: "Furthermore all love dies down one day and I just never see the potential problems I have with the new love."Originally posted by troubled_in_love:So what should I do ? Divorce and try to seek a new life with the new found love ? We only live once and being in a unfeeling relationship is not helping any of the parties. Stay with my wife and become a moral and responsible man ? Furthermore all love dies down one day and I just never see the potential problems I have with the new love.
What should one choose ?
There are always consequences with every one of your actions...
It is easy for us to sit here behind our computers and tell you that you should not have done this and that and you must not think of doing this and that... to be continued... (need to go to work) -
this might not help much but
1 Life Live It
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Actually I think the threadstarter can read this book titled "Man and Wife" by Tony Parsons. It contains many situation similar to his, and many insights to the agony faced by a husband who no longer thinks his wife is the "only one" for him as he had felt during the early days of their marriage, but feels like there is someone else who is more compatible with him elsewhere.
Some meaningful quotes from the book:
"...The world is full of great women. That's what romantic fools like you never admit. There are a million great women out there. Ten million. You could be in love with any one of them. Given the right circumstances, given timing. Sooner or later you have to stop tormenting yourself with the thought that there's just one out there with your name on. You have to be happy with what you've got. You have to love the one you're with. You have to say - this is my home now, this is my wife, and this is where I'm staying. Stop looking. Just stop looking, will you?"
"...How did you do it, Mum? How do you love someone for a lifetime? How do you make a marriage work for all that time?"
"You have to keep falling in love. You just have to keep falling in love with the same person." -
My question would be... why did u even propose to her if you've already had the intentions of breaking up with her when you guys weren't even married. Yes its true that matters of the heart are hard to fathom but marriage is a huge step but still you took it.. shouldn't you be treasuring your wife now that you've married her? So you say that you've fallen for this new girl but how true are your feelings towards this new girl? I call it infatuation. Who knows.. you'll just get sick of her and another new girl comes along and again you'll face the same dilemma.. call it deja vu or whatever but I think it'd just be a never ending vicious cycle so why bother? Take more time to think about this a divorce is not about signing on the stated dotted line but the emotional turmoil both of you will go through, especially your wife. Treasure her and try to at least work things out. Think about it, if you didn't have the heart to break up with her when you guys were dating.. do you have the heart to divorce her now that you're married?
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let me bring it to you in simpler terms.. to your problems..
Married in the eyes of the law , then you have to commit. If you want to be with the other girl , you either talk to your wife seeing if she is willing to stay with you even when u got a xiao lao po. Maybe u can work out a deal where u come home every night to sleep , love the kids and wear condom.
Or if u think marrying is just like any simple relationship that doesnt involve much commitment and u can afford to just divorce , and afford giving free money to your ex-wife then by all means just do it. Like that might as well have a xiao lao po and letting her know it.. its still the same anyways.
If you keep thinking that u may meet the one... then why bother marrying ? there will always be better , more beautiful , smarter , funny , sweet , cute... it will never end. Unless u want to be a sugar daddy with lot of girls , but if you are one poor @ss son of a b|tch .. i dont think its gonna work out.
Bottom line is, marriage is a commitment. But if you think the Juice is Worth the Squeeze ? Then go for it, and reap the benefits of your choice or suffer the consequences. But i bet my balls you will never be happy n this will just have a roll back effect n the cycle continues , but you just get poorer and poorer... wasting away. Good luck~ -
You had already make a mistake of marrying someone u don't love. Do not make another mistake by runing another girl's life.Originally posted by troubled_in_love:I know what I am going to receive from a lot of replies here. Insult and jokes and cheeky replies. It is okie. I still post my story and still wanna see the feedbacks from the rest of the people who treat it seriously.
To cut the long story short, I am in love with another girl. That is not unusual. It is supposed to be a good thing. However the problem is I have a wife.
Yup I am a bastard and I deserve to be castrated.
Let me ask back a question in return. When you marry, who will you choose ? A person you like a lot, but do not like u as much. Or a person who like you a lot but you do not like tat much ? This is because in the past, I always thought tat it is not possible to find a person who you like and like you in return. I always thought that is a Moulin rouge fantasy and that is why I choose to find a person who like me a lot. I think a lot of people will choose this because it is supposed to be fortunate to have someone who like you and dote on you while it is tiring to love someone who do not love u that much in return.
However Moulin rouge fantasy is the right way to go. One should find someone he loves a lot and in return, love you. Even though it seems impossibleÂ… even though there are no perfect things in the worldÂ…It is the right thing to do. If u choose the above question to be someone who like you a lot but you do not like in return, you will face a severe dilemma like me. Later on in life you find someone who you like a lot and like you in return. But it is already too late.
Typical story is like this. I used to like a girl a lot. I crazily chased her. I failed. Totally miserable with no confidence in myself anymore. Met another girl. Seems to like me. Go out for a few dates. Acceptable and become girlfriend. Eventually become wife. However we face problems such as me lacking passion and energy in planning anything in the future with her or do anything for her. There is just noÂ… enthusiasmÂ… I never really crazily like my wife but I can live with her for many years. There are no real problems except having little enthusiasm for anything related to her and it is straining her. Then I met another girl and I started to like her. I go back to the time when I crazily like a girl again. We have similar character, similar hobbies and we like each other. Whenever I think of the future with her, it is something I always wanted in life. When I think of my future with my wife, all I see isÂ….. a normal lifeÂ…..
So what should I do ? Divorce and try to seek a new life with the new found love ? We only live once and being in a unfeeling relationship is not helping any of the parties. Stay with my wife and become a moral and responsible man ? Furthermore all love dies down one day and I just never see the potential problems I have with the new love.
What should one choose ? -
Originally posted by troubled_in_love:
Maybe you have thought that fate has played a cruel trick on you by presenting in front of you the gal that you have passion for after you are married. I guess the reason is that your present "dull and stale" relationship with your present wife pales in comparison to this exciting and fun loving gal that you have "discovered".
What you guys have said are very true. I agree that I am the antagoniser in this story and all the fault and blame lies on me. And my wife deserve someone better than me and I should tell her my situation and face it bravely. Maybe I am indeed the coward that hides behind a forum and seek advises from the other people instead of facing it one to one.
On the buddhist story, I find it interesting but it also in a way tells that everybody in the world is the same and there is no special one out there. Is that the truth about love ? Is marrying someone just because you can live with her and not because you are truly crazy about her the right way ? All love will die and shrink and everybody you are with, no matter how deeply you are in love with, goes back to the same ending ?[b] I think maybe I am too idealistic about love.
By the way I am a year into the marriage. And I am not going to have a fling with the other girl and it is the worst thing to do. [/b]
However, nobody pointed a gun to marry your present wife.
Is it peer pressure after giving so many ang bao's to your fren's wedding and fren's 1 month old baby celebrations?
Is it parental pressure to settle down? I guess your parents will advise you. "Marry someone who is a kind-hearted and faithful gal"
Whatever it is, you have exchanged vows and in my personal view, AWARE and Woman's Charter does not favour the divorced husband. Whatever it is, it is better to build your future with your wife.
Also, I do not think you are too idealistic in love. You want to know what is idealistic?
It is about waiting for a married woman/man to have enough courage to leave his/her spouse to be with you, not personally inducing the breakup, but hopefully things do not turn out well within the relationship to have cause the split and you(guy/gal) will remain single, and keeping an option for him/her to come into your life.
Do you know why some people will do that? Because they know that he/she is the only one that they will truly love in the only life that they live.....Unless they have found another person who can totally replace their ideal love, they would not settle for anything less, even when age is starting to catch up. THAT is ideal love.
You are already married. If you are idealistic, you could have waited. You are already not contented with your married life and it is only your first year into marriage....she is not the one for you and you are fully aware of it even when walking down the aisle together.
You are not idealistic. You are being practical and now you are finding someone and enjoying another gal's company to cover up the concept of idealism about love. -
Originally posted by troubled_in_love:I know what I am going to receive from a lot of replies here. Insult and jokes and cheeky replies. It is okie. I still post my story and still wanna see the feedbacks from the rest of the people who treat it seriously.
To cut the long story short, I am in love with another girl. That is not unusual. It is supposed to be a good thing. However the problem is I have a wife.
Yup I am a bastard and I deserve to be castrated.
Let me ask back a question in return. When you marry, who will you choose ? A person you like a lot, but do not like u as much. Or a person who like you a lot but you do not like tat much ? This is because in the past, I always thought tat it is not possible to find a person who you like and like you in return. I always thought that is a Moulin rouge fantasy and that is why I choose to find a person who like me a lot. I think a lot of people will choose this because it is supposed to be fortunate to have someone who like you and dote on you while it is tiring to love someone who do not love u that much in return.
However Moulin rouge fantasy is the right way to go. One should find someone he loves a lot and in return, love you. Even though it seems impossibleÂ… even though there are no perfect things in the worldÂ…It is the right thing to do. If u choose the above question to be someone who like you a lot but you do not like in return, you will face a severe dilemma like me. Later on in life you find someone who you like a lot and like you in return. But it is already too late.
Typical story is like this. I used to like a girl a lot. I crazily chased her. I failed. Totally miserable with no confidence in myself anymore. Met another girl. Seems to like me. Go out for a few dates. Acceptable and become girlfriend. Eventually become wife. However we face problems such as me lacking passion and energy in planning anything in the future with her or do anything for her. There is just noÂ… enthusiasmÂ… I never really crazily like my wife but I can live with her for many years. There are no real problems except having little enthusiasm for anything related to her and it is straining her. Then I met another girl and I started to like her. I go back to the time when I crazily like a girl again. We have similar character, similar hobbies and we like each other. Whenever I think of the future with her, it is something I always wanted in life. When I think of my future with my wife, all I see isÂ….. a normal lifeÂ…..
So what should I do ? Divorce and try to seek a new life with the new found love ? We only live once and being in a unfeeling relationship is not helping any of the parties. Stay with my wife and become a moral and responsible man ? Furthermore all love dies down one day and I just never see the potential problems I have with the new love.
What should one choose ?
Quintessentially, your mindset is the source of your torment and dire circumstances. Your rationale of what's love is to you appears to be myopic in judgement and narcissistic in thoughts - revolving solely on how you adorn your deluded definition of love in such screwed pattern.
Chances are, your wife is merely a woman that happens, unfortunately, to be around at the wrong time, with you accepting her while arming with a 'No-fish-pawn-also-good' perception of things.
All along, there has always been an innate dissatisfaction with your relationship as you perpetually long for a woman whom you could be crazy over, thinking that this is true love for you.
I am going to share with you something:
'...Many people look so disillusioned when I announce that the soul mate search is a myth, like I'm taking their favourite fairy tale away. I'm not, believe me. Giving up the idea that there is a soul mate for us somewhere and it's our job to find them can be downright liberating. Few things bring tears to my eyes more quickly than clients who stay in abusive relationships because they have confused the constant emotional intensity with their concept of what having a soul mate must be like. Even clients with perfectly nice marriages sadly tell me that their greatest failure was in never having found their soul mate. The term soul mate gets mistaken for everything from infatuation to lust to an excuse for stalking, obsession, and domestic violence...'
I feel for your wife, not because her husband is getting emotionally entangled with another girl, but because all these years, she has failed in trying to induce your heart to love her naturally.
You love the security that accompanied with her presence, but you never did give her or yourself a chance to love genuinely. And there's too much fantasy-indulgence that you have fed your befuddled soul with, giving rise to all sort of illusionary expectation you desire in your relationship.
Your loyalty is wavering - citing that she is nothing but normal and normal isn't what you are looking for.
Have you both communicated about this matter? Seriously, it isn't too huge of a hole to mend if both parties are willing to work things through. Of course, if that's not part of your decision to smooth out the edges in your relationship, then it will degenerate rapidly.
Before you keep looking out of your relationship for answers and hastily decide that that's true love for you, why not you try to understand and love the woman you are with? It's kinda sad getting married to a woman you hardly even knew or love. Sure, you might have dated for years, but to me, the relationship is hardly anywhere concrete.
Have you even given your marriage a good try? Or do you simply disregard it completely?
The answer would decide your route to take.
Cheers -
try to ignite the love flame between u and ur wife.
find common interests, do things together, cultivate new feelings and develop new hobbies etc lor..
dun ever forget the marriage vow u made.