My wife always threaten divorce wen we quarrel.How 2 handle?
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You need space and she's must be willing to compromise and give a little. This is the quickest way to kill any r/s. Again you need to negotiate what is reasonable. She wants her privacy but she does not give you any. If she keep thinking you will stray, then highlight that this is not good thinking because the more she thinks and the tighter the hold, the more you will run. As her how you can assure her? Really, Time is the best because it just let the person grow in confidence. everyone needs friends but its ultimately up to the person to choose whether to engage in a affair or not.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Perhaps that is why I burst out last Friday night and resulted in the fight. Maybe the long-term restriction that is bounding me caused me in sorta a soft confrontation with her. Thus, resulting to an out-of-scale explosion.
I already told her I do not like to be controlled.
She said she needs to know so that trust can be built.
I told her where did I lose her trust in the 1st place?
She like buay tahan and exploded...
But it's true. She knows every minute and second where I am, what I doing and when I going home. Then go home, HP ring, she still has to know and then I surf net, she will watch. Any normal guy will get annoyed loh.
On a lighter note, I assured her not to worry loh. It's already tough handling a berserker like her, it would be suicide to hav a fling outside. She hear liao also laugh. But I think it's quite true. Those who want to have a fling better think twice loh.
First, they(fling) will say just want company.
Then later, they want love and attention.
Then they start comparing status with the wife.
Then they want guy to divorce wife.
Then the guy caught in between and chao is produced.
The above theory is put up by my imagination. No crazy girl was harmed in the process.
When I MIL suggested I am in affair and then attempted to over-feed me to uglify me so that men will lose interest in me. Then she suggested to my husband which he spurted out because of a slip. Then I know how insidious my MIL is. My husband gained a lot more material things through me, he had even threated that since he had a car and big house, he can easily go out and fcuk any girl cause he has everything these girls want.
Rice once spill can be collected.
Words once said, cannot be unsaid.
He also never apologise. He just said till this day it is a matter of fact.
Isn't it threatening me and telling me that I don't know what's good in front of me? Isn't it putting me down? What respect for the wife?
My sister said one statement that made me realised. She said that although my Husband treated my family badly and negatively, she told me that as long as he treats me Ok, then she will be happy for me. Then I realised my husband treat me like sh!t and take me for granted. -
hahaha.. Frankly, you need someone to talk to her. This is how I think will let her know. Maybe she is clingy because of some thing that made her insecure? Does she has a job?Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Oh, God, NO. If she knows, I will kanna
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Maybe your husband should be gently reminded that he also has a wife who co-owns all these (you mentioned that you are paying for them with him, so i assume that you are smart enough to make yourself co-owner too).Originally posted by mistyblue:You need space and she's must be willing to compromise and give a little. This is the quickest way to kill any r/s. Again you need to negotiate what is reasonable. She wants her privacy but she does not give you any. If she keep thinking you will stray, then highlight that this is not good thinking because the more she thinks and the tighter the hold, the more you will run. As her how you can assure her? Really, Time is the best because it just let the person grow in confidence. everyone needs friends but its ultimately up to the person to choose whether to engage in a affair or not.
When I MIL suggested I am in affair and then attempted to over-feed me to uglify me so that men will lose interest in me. Then she suggested to my husband which he spurted out because of a slip. Then I know how insidious my MIL is. My husband gained a lot more material things through me, he had even threated that since he had a car and big house, he can easily go out and fcuk any girl cause he has everything these girls want.
Rice once spill can be collected.
Words once said, cannot be unsaid.
He also never apologise. He just said till this day it is a matter of fact.
Isn't it threatening me and telling me that I don't know what's good in front of me? Isn't it putting me down? What respect for the wife?
My sister said one statement that made me realised. She said that although my Husband treated my family badly and negatively, she told me that as long as he treats me Ok, then she will be happy for me. Then I realised my husband treat me like sh!t and take me for granted. -
house yes. car, how to co-own?Originally posted by galfriend:Maybe your husband should be gently reminded that he also has a wife who co-owns all these (you mentioned that you are paying for them with him, so i assume that you are smart enough to make yourself co-owner too). -
Car is just a liability. Let the men own them and drive them and we just enjoy them.Originally posted by mistyblue:house yes. car, how to co-own?
Oh, you are paying for his car too? He doesnt earn enough to support his own expenditure? -
I paid his initial down payment. He's stretching to support alot of things. He's pampered his mommy to expect $500 from him while he pay for house and utilities. His mommy made a comment to my mom saying that I make so much money and never gave her a cent. This woman quite b!tch, issues between the 2 of us, she will add slat, add spice. Then blow it up all the way to my mom than my mom now worried that I am being ill treated because of all the negative things she said to my mom. My mom told her that if there are issues, she suggest to speak with me. So my MIL made my salary an issue that I never gave her money, and said my mom told her to let me know her problem. She complained that I am all the problem in the house and she believe that I am difficult to live with. My mom have always said that I am quiet, not difficult. So she fed this sh!t to my husband, she fed the same sh!t to my mom thinking my mom will agree with her and teach me another one of their famous lesson to obey and give way. So she made it mandatory that I need to pay her 300. my MIL does not do any house work. Cook till the whole kitchen is filthy, leave everything for us to pack. Eat everywhere till ants, roaches and lizards are crawling all over the house then complain.Originally posted by galfriend:Car is just a liability. Let the men own them and drive them and we just enjoy them.
Oh, you are paying for his car too? He doesnt earn enough to support his own expenditure?
Have anyone ever heard of mother in law, already given $500 and still complain she does not have enough money to spend and ask money from daughter in law and make it mandatory because daugther in law is office job therefore its easy no stress job for lots of money - therefore can squeeze.
But non of her daughter or son in law give her anything or money. But she is just squeezing me. -
And you really pay her $300 every month?Originally posted by mistyblue:I paid his initial down payment. He's stretching to support alot of things. He's pampered his mommy to expect $500 from him while he pay for house and utilities. His mommy made a comment to my mom saying that I make so much money and never gave her a cent. This woman quite b!tch, issues between the 2 of us, she will add slat, add spice. Then blow it up all the way to my mom than my mom now worried that I am being ill treated because of all the negative things she said to my mom. My mom told her that if there are issues, she suggest to speak with me. So my MIL made my salary an issue that I never gave her money, and said my mom told her to let me know her problem. She complained that I am all the problem in the house and she believe that I am difficult to live with. My mom have always said that I am quiet, not difficult. So she fed this sh!t to my husband, she fed the same sh!t to my mom thinking my mom will agree with her and teach me another one of their famous lesson to obey and give way. So she made it mandatory that I need to pay her 300. my MIL does not do any house work. Cook till the whole kitchen is filthy, leave everything for us to pack. Eat everywhere till ants, roaches and lizards are crawling all over the house then complain.
Have anyone ever heard of mother in law, already given $500 and still complain she does not have enough money to spend and ask money from daughter in law and make it mandatory because daugther in law is office job therefore its easy no stress job for lots of money - therefore can squeeze.
But non of her daughter or son in law give her anything or money. But she is just squeezing me.
Honestly, if $300 is not significant to you, just give her lah. If money can solve problems, let money solve the problems. -
yes I paid to shut her up.Originally posted by galfriend:And you really pay her $300 every month?
Honestly, if $300 is not significant to you, just give her lah. If money can solve problems, let money solve the problems.
But its the principal of the matter. Then my mom can ask 300 from my husband. And my MIL should collect from all her in-laws and not just me. She's just constantly picking on me because I was trying my best to give way and agree to every nonsense. Now I deeply regret. She's the sort of women when she open her mouth, you know she's a shrew and will make sure she win and only she win.
She's not a reasonable sort although when she talks, she will make it sound reasonable and people are led to believe her. But if you stay with her for some time, you will realise what kind of person she is. spoilt rotten and latching onto her last son and not letting him be independent. -
To have such a MIL is already bad enough, to think that you have such a husband! How long were you and your husband together before marriage? were there tell tale signs that they are such people back then?Originally posted by mistyblue:yes I paid to shut her up.
But its the principal of the matter. Then my mom can ask 300 from my husband. And my MIL should collect from all her in-laws and not just me. She's just constantly picking on me because I was trying my best to give way and agree to every nonsense. Now I deeply regret. She's the sort of women when she open her mouth, you know she's a shrew and will make sure she win and only she win. -
with him about 4 years. I had bad impression of his mom on the first time I met her. I bought her tonic wine and bird's nest. She took the bird's nest and return me the wine claiming I am trying to make her family alcoholics.Originally posted by galfriend:To have such a MIL is already bad enough, to think that you have such a husband! How long were you and your husband together before marriage? were there tell tale signs that they are such people back then?
I keep my distance from her. I thought staying together, I do not interfere into her affairs, should be ok. But she keep barging into ours and making her lots of negative comments. I caught her a couple of weeks ago making a big complain to my husband because she did not know I was home. The story is that I visit my mom every saturday. I didn't know she cook my share for what but I still ate before I go to visit my mom and still eat there so as not to upset both sides. My FIL comes how eat tills 1 mouth full of everything is left, fish head is left. my MIL bad mood and next day I got hit. She claim I waste her food (in any given week, she waste more food than I do in a year - I eat all left overs the whole family do not touch). She even complain to my mom about this. Then in the evening I came home to hear her shouting loudly about the left over food and what a bad daughter-in-law and etc and etc and I waste food and etc. I just listen to all her big fat lies and I know I should never want to be close to this woman. She's rotten to the core. Couple of days later, I told my husband that I was scolded for asting food but I also said I ate before I left. I didn't know it was kept for me. But he seem like he didn't believe. You see, my MIL can make a big drama over left over food, what can she not make a drama of. -
misty.....looks like the inevitable is here.....not unless ur going to tolerate somemore
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Well it's about time! Glad you finally made the decision.Originally posted by mistyblue:Yes. I know its divorce. Does not matter, don't intend to get married. I've filled up some of the forms already.
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Misty, this is very bad. I am very tempted to bad-mouth your husband too. How can a guy say anything like that? I agree that once words are said, they cannot be taken back.Originally posted by mistyblue:You need space and she's must be willing to compromise and give a little. This is the quickest way to kill any r/s. Again you need to negotiate what is reasonable. She wants her privacy but she does not give you any. If she keep thinking you will stray, then highlight that this is not good thinking because the more she thinks and the tighter the hold, the more you will run. As her how you can assure her? Really, Time is the best because it just let the person grow in confidence. everyone needs friends but its ultimately up to the person to choose whether to engage in a affair or not.
When I MIL suggested I am in affair and then attempted to over-feed me to uglify me so that men will lose interest in me. Then she suggested to my husband which he spurted out because of a slip. Then I know how insidious my MIL is. My husband gained a lot more material things through me, he had even threated that since he had a car and big house, he can easily go out and fcuk any girl cause he has everything these girls want.
Rice once spill can be collected.
Words once said, cannot be unsaid.
He also never apologise. He just said till this day it is a matter of fact.
Isn't it threatening me and telling me that I don't know what's good in front of me? Isn't it putting me down? What respect for the wife?
My sister said one statement that made me realised. She said that although my Husband treated my family badly and negatively, she told me that as long as he treats me Ok, then she will be happy for me. Then I realised my husband treat me like sh!t and take me for granted.
You are not living with him now, are you? Do you still give the $300, or cut off all money and r/s with him and his family liao? -
hi FrustratedOriginally posted by Frustrated_guy:Any married guy can help? My wife always threaten divorce whenever we quarrel. Both of us are bad-tempered, and a small tiff can escalate into a big fight. But I love her and separation is never on my mind. It is not the same case with her. She admitted that she didn't mean it as she only said it in the moment of anger to purposely irritate me! But now, the idea of divorce is slowly getting into my head.
In terms of temper, both of us have different momentum. She can explode, even into streaks of violence, but is quick to forgive and forget. I am calm, argue rationally, but difficult to forget fights. Perhaps it's me, but I've noticed that I have not gone on a full week without her finding fault and starting an argument with me.
Latest saga now is: -
I complain mildly that she controls over me too strictly, and asks too many questions.
She denies it.
I quote a few examples and she flares up.
She said if I have reported everything, then she wouldn't need to ask.
I told her if she were more supportive, then I would have shared everything with her.
She threaten divorce after exploding...again.
Feeling I may be too frank, I apologise.
She never calm down.
Now we are still not talking. I can see she's angry 'cause she slam the door and threw stuff violently around.
How? Help?
how old are you?
how long have u been married?
does ur family or her family knows about these things?
i suggest u both go see councillor -
I am living with him. I never up and leave when there is argument. I intend to voice my request. Eventually I will ask my mom if I can move back to my brother's place to stay. Then I might rent a place somewhere. Wait and see. Anyways, he had said if I make the request to break, he will not fight or try, he will follow through. He twisted it in such a way that I am totally responsible for the break up. He had never admitted his part in our quarrel until recently, he thinks he's part of the trouble but still he believe I cause everything.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Misty, this is very bad. I am very tempted to bad-mouth your husband too. How can a guy say anything like that? I agree that once words are said, they cannot be taken back.
You are not living with him now, are you? Do you still give the $300, or cut off all money and r/s with him and his family liao?
Well he never apologise for the hurtful things he said but expect immediate apology from me if I say or do something wrong. I feel like a clown or a dog constantly being trained to do tricks. However, he denies ever doing that. But I ask if he will treat me as a peer and his come back is that he is teaching me how to behave as a peer. We are adults in our 30s, seriously who is he to teach anyone. -
Another long post from me again! Please take time and read it through, (NOT) Frustrated_guy...
Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:
I think it will take a little more time for this conflict to slowly die down. It is a good call from you to be at peace with her...
Everyone, thanks for your reply.
We woke up and everything seemed better. I made the 1st move and apologise to her. She smiled a bit and the situation became less tense. Then she started to nag on how being my wife, she has the right to know EVERYTHING. I just kept quiet until the 'noise' dissipated. Then unexpectedly, her mood turned for the worse and she became aggitated again. I checked my HP for a sms, and she did not ask me this time! She always never fails to ask me who is it, what they want, what I going to do.
She started going into her frenzy mode again and threaten divorce once more. She knows I hate the word, maybe she did it to irritate me?! I really don't know what to do. I must be a very ignorant husband. I feel like my PC just exploded in front of me and I'm clueless to how it happen and how to repair it!!
Anyway, I left her house. She's with her parents and I'm back in my house. The word, divorce, is still ringing in my head and she is like the persistent salesman. I'm like the fish who is tempted to take the bait, but I don't want! There are like an angel and devil to my thoughts. One is tempting me to where there is extreme freedom, the other telling me we should work hard for this relationship. Arrgghh....
Sianz!!![/b]
It will really need time for the relationship to cool down... Tolerating your 'berserk' partner is crucial, and do keep your cool and do not start provoking her...
For now, she is still a little bit insecure... And only you can give her the assurance, remain true to your wife and get closer to her. Try not to spend too much time after work outside, instead... go home to your wife... (even though she may be very temperamental!) Let her know that she is the only person in your life that is the most important to you!
If possible, help her out in some household chores during the weekends or sometimes during the weekdays when you are free... doing this will help ease her stress of housework and it shows her that you care for her and do not want her to overwork and become too 'mad' at you...
Maybe if she screams the word 'divorce' again, tell her that you love her and not to mention that word again, try to sit down and talk it out with her on the issues that she thinks is pulling this relationship apart...
A few tips on how to ask her and when is the right time to do so:
- The next time she screams, it is a good time to ask her!
- Get her to sit down, don't shout at her though! Ask her nicely to sit with you on the sofa or by the dining table and explain to her that you really want a resolution to this relationship instead of having this war between both of you each and every day. Tell her that you really mean it and you really like her to participate in this one-to-one dialogue session.
- Talk to her nicely, remember your tone of speech! Do not use a tone that provokes her into thinking that you are trying to start another arguement or fight.
- Tell her firstly to share with you what are your bad points that contribute to such a relationship, do not get angry with her during the process! But jot down whatever she says and reflect on it later during the day... do take time to reflect and think about it and determine yourself to make that change for your wife and for the sake of this relationship!
- Next, prepare her to hear what you have got to say about her - her bad points. Tell her not to receive it in a bitter note, but to receive and reflect it through again later that day. After you prepared her to face what you have got to say to her (Ask her to try and keep her cool - like how you kept yours when she voiced out her displeasures about you.) Do share your thoughts about her that you think contributes to such a nasty relationship and tell her nicely how she can make that change in order to save this relationship, do encourage her along the way in later days...
- Ask about what she feels or thinks about this relationship, and how it can be better. (Share this after all the bad points about one another has been spilled out... Let her explain her points first before you explains yours. Like what the saying goes: "Ladies first!".)
- Share with her what you feel and think about the relationship too and share with her your point of view on how you and her can save this relationship together. (e.g. Tell her that you really would not want the relationship to continue going on 'hard rocks', and that in order to reach a resolution to the matter, tell her that both of you will need to cooperate and help one another instead of shouting and arguing when any of you makes a mistake.)
- After the dialogue session is done, tell her that you want to take time to reflect on what she has previously said, and assure her that you will try your best to make that change for her in order to salvage this relationship. Encourage her to do so as well... (I'll suggest you and her to go somewhere that is quiet and peaceful, something that allows your mind to concentrate on only reflecting the bad points and start correcting yourselves.)
(The next point that I am going to share is own-time-own-target, only when you feel that it is the right time to do it, then carry on...)
- Later that day or on the next day - depending on whether both of you have finished reflecting... Meet up with one another (The best place is at home, where it is private.) and show her the points that you crafted out while reflecting that will help you make that change on what she has voiced out earlier. (The best way to prove to her that you will make that change for her is to show her beforehand what are the points that you have decided to make a change in, let her be the referee who sees that you don't stick to your bad points anymore and let her be the coach who will want to see you make that change and will encourage you and groom you along the way...)
- Let her show you her points that she is determining in herself to make that change also... so that you will be her referee and coach... like what I have earlier said.
- Encourage and groom one another into the person both of you desires to be. Continue to treat each other with due respect and love, avoid quarrels and arguments, and be nice and kind to one another.
Remember to keep your cool, do not let her influence her with her bad temper and mood! However, start to influence her with your lovingkindness and tenderness... so that she will change for the better too! Help one another - basic principle of keeping a relationship strong! Good luck!
Trying my best to help you as well! Do message me the results... I wish you the best to you and your partner in your love life with one another forever!
IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not let the word 'divorce' continue to ring in your head! The outcome of your relationship really depends on what you decide to set your mind on... (Do you want to set your mind on positive thoughts and achieve positive results or do you want to dwell in negative thoughts and gain negative results? It is all up to you...) It really depends on your thought-life, because your mind governs your system (body). My suggestion for you is to replace the word 'divorce' with the word 'reconciliation'... so whenever you think about it, think about reconciling with her!
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Sent yr wife for anger management course! Frustrated guy,U must acc her for every course,ok?
Also educate yr wife the important of marriage. Don anyhow shout divorce which will hurt both side badly..
Btw,mistyblue. I find it incredible of yr encounter. Either u are real blind or yr husband is such a great oscar actor that he can conceal all his real motive before marriage right under yr eyes that u are cheated by him in such a way.... -
kill her before she really does.. so you don't have to pay the divorce fees..muhahahaha
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U want to get ban,isn't it? Mind u,here is not bar!Originally posted by fxc87:kill her before she really does.. so you don't have to pay the divorce fees..muhahahaha -
Mistyblue,
How are you going to split the assets ?
Since your PIL are living with you.
Do you share a joint savings with your husband ?
If you do, make sure he don't drain all the money during the divorce.
I've heard horror stories where the husband took all their savings and put it into his parent's account, citing it as gifts. -
My wife has done it again. After a few days of peace, she mentioned divorce and separation again last night
I must have unknowingly annoyed her and then she purposely suggested the idea again. I did not get angry, but told her it's not funny even as a joke. She then repeated the dreadful suggestion to me again. She knows it irritated me a lot, that's why she did it. Do all people use divorce as a joke or irritate their spouse? Sometimes I wonder if she's pregnant, so illogical...
We did not talk last night and this morning, but we did not argue as well. Just some moody atmosphere hanging around. Feel so sianz... -
I can't lah. She's more violent than me. Chances are she'll kill me accidentally before I even tryOriginally posted by fxc87:kill her before she really does.. so you don't have to pay the divorce fees..muhahahaha 
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I just wonder how long will it last?Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:My wife has done it again. After a few days of peace, she mentioned divorce and separation again last night
I must have unknowingly annoyed her and then she purposely suggested the idea again. I did not get angry, but told her it's not funny even as a joke. She then repeated the dreadful suggestion to me again. She knows it irritated me a lot, that's why she did it. Do all people use divorce as a joke or irritate their spouse? Sometimes I wonder if she's pregnant, so illogical...
We did not talk last night and this morning, but we did not argue as well. Just some moody atmosphere hanging around. Feel so sianz...
1 year, 2 years or ?
she knows you do not like the word and keep suggestion it again and again.
Is only killing you inside only. Slowly you are wondering why you still want to be with her. Next stage you will try to stay out of the house. If you are lucky you will find a new gal who treats you well. If not the bad stage will go on.
She will keep saying it again and again until you breakdown.
This was happen to me.
For 4 years I put my effort into the relationship and I was there for her. She kept asking for breakup, is the same like yours until one day I told her I had enough I quit. She start to worry and bomb my sms and hp. I told her enough is enough and I reject all her efforts to patch up. I do not wish to return back to the days of being treaten again and again.
My worry is that one day you will reach the so call no return point and she will finally realise that she should treasure you. -
Why waste time on a guy who loves his family more than you?Originally posted by mistyblue:I am living with him. I never up and leave when there is argument. I intend to voice my request. Eventually I will ask my mom if I can move back to my brother's place to stay. Then I might rent a place somewhere. Wait and see. Anyways, he had said if I make the request to break, he will not fight or try, he will follow through. He twisted it in such a way that I am totally responsible for the break up. He had never admitted his part in our quarrel until recently, he thinks he's part of the trouble but still he believe I cause everything.
Well he never apologise for the hurtful things he said but expect immediate apology from me if I say or do something wrong. I feel like a clown or a dog constantly being trained to do tricks. However, he denies ever doing that. But I ask if he will treat me as a peer and his come back is that he is teaching me how to behave as a peer. We are adults in our 30s, seriously who is he to teach anyone.
Is just time and he is playing with you. He knows that you are scared and got no guts to do what you have said. -
to simplify.......never push ur luck. why is it pple just dun understand when its enoughOriginally posted by Guardx:I just wonder how long will it last?
1 year, 2 years or ?
she knows you do not like the word and keep suggestion it again and again.
Is only killing you inside only. Slowly you are wondering why you still want to be with her. Next stage you will try to stay out of the house. If you are lucky you will find a new gal who treats you well. If not the bad stage will go on.
She will keep saying it again and again until you breakdown.
This was happen to me.
For 4 years I put my effort into the relationship and I was there for her. She kept asking for breakup, is the same like yours until one day I told her I had enough I quit. She start to worry and bomb my sms and hp. I told her enough is enough and I reject all her efforts to patch up. I do not wish to return back to the days of being treaten again and again.
My worry is that one day you will reach the so call no return point and she will finally realise that she should treasure you.