Despressions of fatherhood ...
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dearest aunt agony.
I was born into a normal family, with normal mum and dad, a sister and brother and every thing seemed normal throughtout 29 years. We suffered together, thru thick and thin and stucked with each other throughout.
At 29 years old, I got married and had a wonderful daughter who is 3.5 years old now. A year after my daughter was born, my ex-wife got bored at home and decided to go back to the work force, and we employed a maid to take care of our daughter. 6 months after she had a job, she started working really late (2am-3am), on good days she'll come home at 8pm but its really rare. Soon she started coming home at 4am-5am, tried calling in vain and only to find out she's at zouk drinking with her friends or "work" or to "meet clients" (she's was in advertising and she's not even doing sales)
This went on for about 8 months, and we started quarreling badly. At one time, she wasn't home by 4:30am and I called her cellphone and as told she's having supper with some friends and when I drove down to check out (reached there 15mins later), the place was closed and when I called her, she said she's still there. When I got back home at 5am+, she was already sleeping. I woke her up and she said to talk tomorrow. I kicked up a big fuss and quarreled badly and kept questioning who she was out with, she couldn't answer.... and at that point of time, i broke down and mentioned the word Divorce and walked out.... No, she didn't stop me from walking out at 6am.
This went on for months, and twice I broke down, knelt and begged her not to carry on her late nights and to come home early cos' our daughter needs us. Twice, she kicked me and packed some clothes and off to her mother's home, leaving me and our daughter. For two years she didn't come home, and only came back to take her letters and to see her daughter once a week, sometimes she only see's our daughter twice a month.
Shortly after, I realised she was seeing another man and they were staying together at her mother's home without her knowledge. Weeks later, I received a call from her work friend and she told me to "seperate temporaly" and to "give her some space". I later found out that her work friend knew the man my wife was seeing, and I was told (by my wife) that this man was also introduced by her same work friend. When I spoke to her work friend, I was told that she is going thru a bad state as well with her husband.
A week later, out of depression and stress from taking care of our daughter, I filed for seperation. For 2.5 years I had to take care of my daughter as I don't trust maids. I had to feed her, dressed her and do what a mother would do, and change roles and do what fathers do. Me and my daughter bonded the day she was born and did not want any one else but me. For 2.5 years she asked for her mother ocassionaly but I kept telling her her mummy had to work. Since the day we had this problem, I tried to talk to everyone, my wife's sisters, their husbands and seeked help to patch them back and only to be told that They know her character, and they can't help. I seeked her mother's help and was told, that "If it doesn't work out.... Too Bad.... Life Goes On..." I seeked God's help (I am a free thinker) and three times I went to church to seek guidance, three times my wife didn't come home, I seeked my parents help and they couldn't do any thing to comfort me and console my soul. I seeked friend's help, and we talked about it alot but at the end of the day, I was still alone with my daughter at night putting her to bed, to wake up when she needs milk and change her diapers, day and night.
We're seperated now and I thought would get custody of my daughter becos' I had evidence she was committing adultery, evdence from her credit card bills that she was out till late. Every thing was in my favour, or so I thought.
It does not end here Aunt agony. The lawyer I got swindled me and I was told that it will only cost $7000 and in her own words, "$7000 For Everything" and when the seperation papers came it, it shot up to $10,000 - Whats worst is that, when I asked her what my chances of winning was, she said 10% only because my daughter was way too young and 99% of custodies goes to mothers. But what kind of mother would walk out on her own children and only later to take her away ?
I've been seperated for 3 months, my wife dropped everything and took my daughter away. She left all her clothes and only took precious belongings and left. I was told that I can only see my daughter in 2 weekends, when the papers were signed. She called me up and said that I can see her every weekend. Every weekend I would see her. I'll play with her, bring her out for swims, walks, shopping, beach etc. At first the weekends seemed pretty long and lasted nicely but as weeks go by, it seems shorter and shorter and every time I send her back, I would be crying in my car all the way back home, I won't be able to sleep till 4am, looking at her photographs.
Every friend that I knew, knows what has happened. Every friend that I tried to get some consolation, they get scared and walk away and never to call me up. None of them has called since cos I think I have really scared them away badly. I don't want to burden my parents any more with my problems and fallilng into deeper depression so much so that some times, the heart just aches inside. The ache is not the usual, Love Aching feeling when you loose your boyfriend, or girlfriend... Its much more painful. When you loose your BF or GF, you know you'll be able to get another one. The feeling I have right now is that aching feeling that you know you will Never be able to get some one you back even though you see her every weekend for that brief moment, at the back of my mind, i know i have lost my wife totally.
It pains me to see my daughter crying and not wanting to let me go every time I return her. It pains me when my daughter tells me not to cry, "don't cry daddy, I love you ok?" and hugs me in the middle of the night.
Most of the time, my heart aches to the point that I feel like hanging myself just to let the pain go away forever, cos' I really can't take this any longer. I stop myself, telling myself my daughter needs my love.
After three months, my daughter has changed alittle. she doesn't want to do things with me any longer and would ask me to draw Her mother, mother's boyfriend and her together, holding hands. She would talk to me and out of the blue, she would say she likes going boating with them and that she loves her mother alot.
My wife has walked out, taken my daughter away, and now mentally my daughter has left me out.... -
Cereal killer,
Frankly speakly.......i 'shld' sympathize with u...or shld i not? i dun think i wanna, sad to say tt
U reminded me of someone who was in similar situation as u r in now.....these were observations i've made on him tt perhaps u din notice as well.....Everything u see now is juz smoke screen to Get On with Ur Life 
There r a lot of loopholes in ur context u din cover........looks vague to me but i choose to believe ur words......like for example: u mentioned ur wife, ur daughter, how u feel......but u missed one thing
how They Feel abt U
Im really sorry tt im supposed to make u feel better but then again, to solve the problem is to start fr the root of the problem. Dun u agree? U'll definitely feel uncomfortable abt it, so let me begin.......
Things have happened. Ask urself wat u want? Pain is there. It wont go away unless u ALLOW it to go away. Can we have lesser issues tt u'd be focusing at? I read ur post once only....correct me if i've gotten the facts wrongly.
Leave ur wife alone. Get on with ur Life. U've got a daughter u want, isnt tt so? So be strong!!!! I bet she wldnt want a daddy who gonna break down each time seeing her, rite?
For ur wife, whether she was rite or wrong, she made her CHOICE. And u've got to 'tailor' urs....coz both of u dun share a Life anymore....but 2 separate Lives. ACCEPT. Wat more can i say? Why get back a woman who doesnt love u anymore? Dun dwell in it anymore.....Let Go.
For ur daughter, to get her custody is outta love...i u/stand but incurring all the $$$ to 'Love' her only.....izzit worthy? Listen to me 1st k? Im not too sure abt ur wife's financial situation....most probably whoever can provide her with better Life ($$$), custody goes to the parent. Love is not juz believing but also proving. See tt? So wat if u get ur daughter's custody but landing urself into lotsa debts? Ur daughter aint gonna get a GOOD LIfe. Child's Custody seems like to me a battle btwn the couple when their marriage turned sour.....n they need sth in rtn for the time invested in the marriage which is not fair though.....For ur daughter's sake, think carefully
Earlier on, i mentioned tt u emphasized TOO MUCH on others & blahx3......dun think u've considered how they really SEE U.....by coming here, u'll get the same treatment ur frenz ard u r giving u if u still dun [color=red]WAKE UP
Do some reflection on ur Life. U may not be wrong but u can also not be rite since u've hardly reflected on Urself 
[/color]
..........wat else?
....guess only BREAK A LEG 
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raw = sgForums Aunt Agony
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Originally posted by xavier1979:raw = sgForums Aunt Agony
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/me respect raw
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Originally posted by cereal killer:dearest aunt agony.
I was born into a normal family, with normal mum and dad, a sister and brother and every thing seemed normal throughtout 29 years. We suffered together, thru thick and thin and stucked with each other throughout....
My wife has walked out, taken my daughter away, and now mentally my daughter has left me out....
Take whatever you've said to be the truth... Like Raw, I also choose to believe your words...
1. Just like Raw had said, the DIVORCE has been passed... You and your ex-wife now live 2 separate lives... I don't know why your wife had behaved that way... Is it because it's just her nature and character or some other factor(s) motivating her to be that way... Not up to me to comment... One fact, people DO CHANGE... Like it or not, your wife has CHANGED (for whatever reason(s) you like or don't like...)... Like it or not, you have to face the REALITY....
2. I empathise with you, for losing your daughter after you've contributed so much in terms of finance and efforts... If what you told us above are VERY FACTs, I would say you quite deserve to have the child by your side... But what's the point of 'what I think...', 'what you think...' and 'what do we do...'...? Ultimately, it's still the LAW.... It has its advantages and disadvanges in its system of ORDER.... Nothing's perfect in this world... Think about... A lady giving birth to a daughter, has not done much for her daughter and really regrets it and wanna amend for her deeds... Sure, the custody can go to your hand, but how would she be feeling then...? And sure, I might have to agree with you that she didn't deserve your daughter then, but how about now...? You did mention that your daughter's beginning to like her life...? It's only nature for a child of her tender age to be drawing and thinking about the usual things that happen around her...? Shouldn't you be feeling happy for her now that she's happy...? OR you PREFER your daughter to be CRYING for your sorrows.....? Take it from me my friend, at least you don't see your daughter hating you..? I've seen WORSE... Children put to ISOLATION from their father and TAUGHT to HATE him....
3. You've got a CHOICE now... Before your choices, just a reminder... Like it or not, your life has to go on.... Here's the options...
a. Can't take the pain? Leave your daughter and wife without seeing them again and lead a NEW life as if nothing ever happened in the past... Side effect, RISK hurting your daughter's heart and maybe also proving your wife to be 'right' about the daughter's dad...
b. Stick with your daughter and see that she's all well... Giving her the support she needs in life just in term anything goes wrong for her... It's a life time commitment thing, so think about it.... And nope, this is NOT an INVESTMENT plan... Don't expect anything in return....
c. Continue to ask for sympathy and may you get more... OR... Whatever other better plans you might have....?
~Good luck... -
then devil can be our UNKERagony...
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it really sucks when u know tt life still goes on ard u when ur whole world has stopped huh but tts life...im also trying to get it over n done w/...wat to do life is never fair n perfect....juz try to let go?
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There are always choices usually.... The difficult part is to realise and accept them.... The MORE difficult it is for them to be carried out and accomplished in many instances....Originally posted by hopy:it really sucks when u know tt life still goes on ard u when ur whole world has stopped huh but tts life...im also trying to get it over n done w/...wat to do life is never fair n perfect....juz try to let go?
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The marriage is OVER and we are in the process of Seperation. This is for sure and it's near impossible to get back at no matter what cost after what I have found out. No person will be able to take it after knowing your partner has slept with some one else, not once but on many many ocassions. Even if you find that courage to go back, how does one come to terms with what she said, "ever since I gave birth, I've stopped loving you" and I was later told she said that out of anger.
When I said the word Let's Divorce out of anger (becos' she didn't come home 3X and couldn't explain where or whom she was with at that night mentioned in my first post) - I was not forgiven and was labelled Bad-Tempered. Bashed her up ? (or other women) Never ! I've not done that in my entire life. Then you must be questioning if I screwed around, Never ! Been back late, Twice in my 5 year marriage, and it was only 9:30pm. Drink excessively ? Nope ... Max 2 drinks, latest 7pm back home, Must be gambling then ... NOPE. Gave that up before our marriage.
Yes, I need to get on with my life obviously. It's pointless to go on like this. It's just the pain of knowing you did nothing grievously wrong and your partner walks out on you, for reasons being Bad tempered and "Insensitive"
Why did she call me insenstive ? HIgh chance is becos' I spend alot of time on the computer and internet. My after 6pm work revolves around Internet technology. I was running a one-man show from home, trying to get more income and give them whatever they wanted. I tried to get her involved but she wasn't interested in any bit and rather spend her whole day watching HK Soap-operas in Rented VHS Tape, which I can not understand. So here we are compensating time for each other, she watches her movie, and I go on the internet. Weekends, I'll drop my stuff for them and bring them out.
Life goes on, and my only worry since day 1 is my daughter.
And Yes what you guys have mentioned makes alot of sense. To walk away and start a new life, forgetting the past of everyone and loose your daughter or To carry on seeing my daughter, give her my support when needed and knowing nothing will come back in return.
This is the painful part. To know that whatever you have put in, she may never realise it or appreciate when she's older (like my ex-wife) or when I am dead. If that happens, I only wish she will appreciate and know what I have gone thru. -
so sad ..........i dono hw to say...... i realise hw lucky am i...no matter wat life still goes on....tomorrow is another day.......dn tink so much...walk one step see one step
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cereal killer,
hey!....tt's a cute nick....why 'cereal killer'?...hahhaha
Anyway, let's tok abt Marriage.....not much of a diff fr Love......juz an extra cert with more commitments...rite? Love...u can see couples breaking up coz they love each other no more......or love each other too much.....blahx3 more to go....how r u gonna know wat's the reason? so DUN bother. Let it be....if a person's love has died for another.....one can spouts nonsense juz to end the Marriage...coz isnt tt the AIM? Ask no more, not ur FAULT k?
As for ur daughter.....i can empathize with u.....but think Positively......let her feel PROUD of u n ur achievements......even though u n her may not be seeing each other all the time...BUT u can build a GOOD IMAGE of wat's a Good Daddy is supposed to be....it's in the HEART.....She's ur daughter....u shld know. Be strong.....let her be the POWER to live each day meaningfully.......let her feel tt her Daddy's strong....n be a ROLE MODEL she wanna look up to. tt's the best u can do -
Read yr side of the story. would greatly help if we could read yr wife's side too. it seemed the bond was lost between u and yr wife..nothing much could be done abt it anymore.. and yes since local laws almost inevitably grant mothers custody (save for the fact that shes insane etc) u can expect this to happen, irregardless of adultery. perhaps if u knew the consequences u might not have jumped at the idea of divorce so quickly.
in any case u might want to ask yrself why yr wife didnt luv u anymore; from this u might point out some of yr own failings u failed to see. if u can safely conclude u were clean, then it will be time to move on and rebuild yrself.
build a new family after u find yr confidence, u never know what u might gain at the end of the day. 5 yrs from now u might have a brand new family portrait hanging in yr living room so dont give up on yrself. meanwhile having the weekends with yr daughter is still better than nothing as with time yr daughter will grow up to realise the truth and empathise with u as well. it is impt for her to know u never left her side since the breakup. of course it is impt for u too. many a family survived breakup, im sure with hope yrs will too. -
Yawn......a make up sob stories with plenty of loop holes.
Back to manicure.... -
Like the name tough. Cereal killer. Nice
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Its like owning a puppy. each day you would take the puppy for a walk with a rope attached to it. But 1 fine day the dog gained your trust, so you decided to let it free knowing it would return .....
Personally I think you did a pretty good job. no doubt about it. The mother did jack all. I hope the judge could sleep at night for such injustice.
I don't know what to say but offer my blessings though a freethinker myself. -
i dunno what to say....can empathise with ur situation..the pain that u are feeling must be unbearable...so torturous.. really felt sad after reading ur article... i guess..u will just have to try to let things go slowly...life still goes on no matter what happens.. hang in there..be strong..for your own sake and for your own daughter.. just tell urself that no matter what happens to you..u will hang in there..and u will hold on..pls do take good care of yourself...maybe u could try goin for some of those spiritual lessons..um..like some yoga or some course thingey that are held at some ccs.. it could help you....take care..and again..be strong!!Originally posted by Flight Cadet Officer:Its like owning a puppy. each day you would take the puppy for a walk with a rope attached to it. But 1 fine day the dog gained your trust, so you decided to let it free knowing it would return .....
Personally I think you did a pretty good job. no doubt about it. The mother did jack all. I hope the judge could sleep at night for such injustice.
I don't know what to say but offer my blessings though a freethinker myself.
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I think at many times, it can be so easy for us to just give advices to people. On the other hand, i have to say that most advices given are valid and are most logical. But when a person is hurt emotionally, there is nothing logical about that. Killer, i think its easy for me to say "Get on with your life, no choice." but i guess i have been through situations in my life, where logical statements like that do not make sense to me. i think all of you out there shld have gone thru such shit sometimes where u felt damn helpless and feeling how could you possibly move on!
Perhaps time will heal, i think it will. For me, it was God who eventually took the hurt and unforgiveness out of me. I wun give you any advice, not that i do not have any but i guess whatever i say will be words not easily understood by your hurt emotions. So i can only say I am with you until you find your peace within you.
God bless. -
tell the lawyer....
when i drop a dollar coin into the drink vending machine... and when the drink is out.. ask if it belongs to mi or the vending machine?
haiz! -
go wack dat guy, wack already cannot save also don't care, knn in the first place y come n disturb your relation with your wife.
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There's ONE person you can contact. This is no hype or prank. Her name is Juliana, middle-aged, professional counsellor with the Care & Counselling Centre. I've met her before, and so have friends...even those too scared to 'talk' to a counsellor. After that, they all want to find her everytime they have something on their minds! She is, singularly, one of the nicest and most helpful (and wise) human beings I have had the pleasure of knowing! If you're interested, look for the telephone number in the phone book or operator. You're come this far in facing your own feelings, why not have a 'quality' friend to help you through this? What have you got to loose?