lost.
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I have this friend, and supposedly the both of us are besties. We've been hanging out with each other ever since poly days. Although we're supposed to be best friends, I've always felt that there is still a wall between us. Nevertheless, I've always tried to be a good friend by helping out whenever I can, listening to her rant, meeting up with her when she's got some free time in between her appointments etc.
Maybe the wall is there because even though she calls me her best friend, I have this feeling that im only her bestie because nearly no one else would do things like spontaneously meeting up with her so she can kill time before going for another appointment. It feels like a one-sided friendship.
For more than a year, problems have continuously appeared in my life one after another. For example, this year I injured my ankle and was confined to my home for two weeks. The only thing she did was to have short sms conversations with me (we don't have the habit of chatting on the phone) about twice a week, and it was just generic questions like "how are you" and "get well soon". I didn't want to feel disappointed, so I told myself she could be just busy with her uni exams and assignments.
She has problems and always talks to me about them. And so being the 'good friend' that I am, I always listen and try to help as much as I can, despite having my own problems. But lately, I feel myself reaching my limit. I can't go on forever just letting her rant to me and pretending my own problems are not there. I tried to remember the times when she helped me out too, but I'm so tired of giving that I cannot recall. Or maybe there was none. Yesterday, I tried to confide my problems to her, but was met with monosyllabic responses like "uh huh".. "oh dear".. and then she started ranting about her own problems again and this time she even sounded angry. I tried to make her see that maybe things were not as bad as she thought, then she started getting a little sarcastic.
She might have blown her fuse over her porblems lah, so ok fine its ok she was like that yesterday. I can try to accept it. But I feel that it's quite obvious that I'm not ok too. If she calls me her best friend, why doesn't she seem to care how I'm doing? I'm at a loss... don't know if I should reconsider this 5 yr old frenship. What am I doing wrongly? Am I too self-centred? -
[quote]Originally posted by SPT8663:
I have this friend, and supposedly the both of us are besties. We've been hanging out with each other ever since poly days. Although we're supposed to be best friends, I've always felt that there is still a wall between us. Nevertheless, I've always tried to be a good friend by helping out whenever I can, listening to her rant, meeting up with her when she's got some free time in between her appointments etc.
[b]Yesterday, I tried to confide my problems to her, but was met with monosyllabic responses like "uh huh".. "oh dear".. and then she started ranting about her own problems again and this time she even sounded angry. I tried to make her see that maybe things were not as bad as she thought, then she started getting a little sarcastic.
Well, friendship needs to be maintained, just like any relationship...........
Seems like it's kinda one-sided..... Mebbe u shld hv a talk with her on how u feel..
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SPT8663,
There are two kinds of givers.
One gives unconditionally, not expecting a payback.
One gives expecting a payback.
Which one are you ? The latter.
Two kinds of receiver.
One who knows when to say no.
One who don't know to say no.
Which one are you ? The latter.
One who have no problem telling people what they think/feel.
One who expect others to read his/her mind.
Which one are you ? The latter.
Perhaps you like to listen to her rantings because it makes you feel like, your life wasn't so bad after all.
Perhaps, when she fills in more of her problems when you are sharing yours, was to make your problem seem less of a problem.
Responding with "uh huh" "oh dear" even a silent nod is also a form of acknowledgment. What else are you expecting from her ? To cry with you ? To provide a solution ?
What ?
If you don't want to listen to her rantings, you can simply tell her " Dear XXX, I'd love to listen to your problems , but I have personal issues to deal with too, can we talk about something else ?"
Just remember, people will always fall short of your expectations.
Unless you have explicitly informed them of it, it is not their fault they do not know.
Because people , Just ain't Mind Readers. -
at least she sms you twice a week.. wth would other fren do that for you ? Think bout it..
yea, like you, im kinda tired with friends... we care for them so much and yet they seems like never really care.... but hey, you care for them much cuz you have good heart... so keep it up and dont expect other ppl to think the same like you...some ppl just donno what to do. She still talk bout her probs right..?
But hey again.. which gal would purposely sms you to ask how are you ? i met lots of gal, and for what i know, gals who sms to you to ask how r u in what , twice a week? Sure would have something..
The last gal who alwasys ask me how am i in sms is my ex... now? even my best female friends doesnt do that. PLease dont be a jerk and only think bout yourself... if you wanna woo her, then do it.. why you wondering so much between friend and lover. Dont forget man, you only assuming things... have u really do some research or experiment if she really cares bout you? did you guys go out together and she doesnt mind dating with you? -
ask urself whether u ready to lose this friend
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just go with the flow. Perhaps she's having probs that's y the wall exist
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humans always like that.. not contented. wait till she dun even bother talking to u anymore then u'll start complaining that shes cold towards u
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Don't have any expectations...
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as far as i'm concerned, more friends more troubles
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I agreed with jojo. People aren't mind-readers. It isn't explicitly their or your fault if they don't know and understand how you feel. Anyway it is not easy to tell them your expectation and whether can or do they want to meet it.
Sometime, it is in the human's habit to assume that you are okay while you are not really okay ( i am refering to your friend assuming that you are fine, i think u have been giving her an impression that you can take care of yourself. )
You can always put a "director cut" to her ranting if you can't bear with it.
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