Singlehood Woes
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Originally posted by Joi_lin:
Ok ok. I do not know how to flirt.I am looking at a serious relationship, not hi-bye ones.
zzz. flirting don't mean it becomes a hi bye relationship.
if a girl flirts with me, and i'm serious, it will become a serious relationship.
and it's interesting too, because it means she's cheeky. and cheeky means fun, and more laughter and fun.
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Originally posted by angel7030:
the problem is she dunno how to flirt and fun, so guys see nothing in here lor. Want to go near her also scare scare.depends on what types of guy ba... Not every guy is into this.
Originally posted by Joi_lin:Ok ok. I do not know how to flirt.I am looking at a serious relationship, not hi-bye ones.
I think flirting does not means kiss kiss and touchy-feely and all that? You don't have to if you are not willing.I guess, you'll have to relax more and not treat each date (if it comes by) as a serious relatonship-prospecting interview. That is definitely gonna scare the hell out of even potential guys. Instead, go with no expectation and go along with the flow. Be present in the moment and enjoy what you do enjoy and convey your happiness to your date. Go without the expectation that your date will result into a relationship. That way, it takes the pressure off you and your date and you can truly open up to share your likes and dislikes without being too critical. Just think back to the time when you were very young and how you made friends in school.
If the guys you've gone out on dates with in the past are not your type, have you consider the channels you've exposed yourself to meet them? You might need to expand your social circle more by joining certain other new activities (which you enjoy of cos). Even babies are not born to walk the first day, they learn, so do give some activities a try to open up new possibilities for yourself.
Lastly, when on a date, be yourself, treat your date like a new found friend (like in your younger days in pri school) and do what feels comfortable & agreeable to both of you. This is the time to cast away all burdens of work and problems aside. Enjoy the date as much as possible (i know some dates are disasters) and be in the present.
Save the analysing when you get back home.
Good luck.
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lol Lin ChiLing super gorgeous only get married at 32. Furthermore, look at her potential hubby, look like shit man... no wonder called toilet bowl prince.
Thanks Isis for the kind comments. I will have to wait nong nong to get a gal who loves me from heart ya.
TS, tells u what... i feel that whenever i talk to anyone, people think i am psycho ... lol. In this sense, u are better than me ya, so dun feel so sad.
Just remember this: get someone who loves u not u need to "complete" ur life. If u still feel sad, look at the handicapped and disfigured, u will feel much better. Y? as least u are not alone.
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Do you simply want a man so that you can prove a point to those pesky friends and relatives?
I think not.
You want a man because you believe once you have found one, you will be happier.
Your life will have some new meaning.
You want to be happy.
Then bad news is this;
There is only one way you can get a man who can make you happy.
You have to be happy without a man.
You have to find that new meaning in life yourself.
Two reasons why.
Desire is paradoxical.
The more you think about something, the more you chase after it.
The more interest you show, the more it repels away.
And where does that desire stems from?
Your desperation and conviction that finding a partner is your new meaning in life and the only way you can be happy.
Getting a man is not difficult.
Above anything else, men pay attention to how a woman responds to him.
Have you ever notice when somebody says something and everyone laughs? Even though you don’t really think what he said is that funny, you might have laugh too.
Happiness spreads.
How you respond to a man can set him in a good mood or a bad mood.
Men like women who make them feel good. A happy and upbeat woman who has a positive outlook naturally draws men to her.
Forget that bullcrap about how you have a fixed mould and cannot change.
Your world is not going to change dramatically when you finally settle for someone.
You have to initiate a change in yourself if you want to be happy.
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Originally posted by Joi_lin:
Really appreciate those insightful comments here. Some of your comments really plunge me into deep thoughts.
Also, I will be more conscious of what to do during dates (if I ever have any in the future).
I do feel being single is not really a good thing. I really do not want to miss out on my personal growth and development. Somehow, I feel human beings are "constructed" in a way to be social and require proper relationships to feel complete and to produce the next generation. But I just find it tough to secure a relationship, let alone a meaningful one. I start to wonder what is wrong about myself or am I fated to be single? I really do not know the answer myself. Somehow, I really cannot believe singlehood is happening to me. Am I the "chosen" one?
I have a pretty good share of unkind remarks from people around me and some really cannot believe I am so single. Even some well meaning older women came up to me and told me that
" woman must marry, cannot be single, no good for you,very lonely, very unbalanced " Yes, I really feel my life is pretty loop-sided now and insecurity has been gripping me tightly all these while. This is how I started to feel as if I am be able relate those older and unmarried women. They seems to be my reference points in my near future. The thought of becoming them really scares me.Many of the conclusions here about myself are pretty accurate. I can be more of a homely person but I do get out of the house sometimes. I engage in light activities like movies and karaoke at times, but with my close friends of course.
But I no longer that young to change myself drastically. My character has its fixed mold. Of course, there are some changes that I can try to make and I am still seriously trying to figure out what they are.
Thanks for some of the humour about being "bad". Turning "bad" is never easy for me. I need to align my own actions according to my true values.
Some guys in this forums have been taking advantage of my unique situation and would like to partner me. I really find it amusing. Anyway, I really do not want pity. Instead, I value constructive opinions. Hope you guys get what I mean.
Thank you for your valuable comments.
As much as what had been said and understanding yourself. I hope that you will be able to discover the key to unlock yourself from this predicament.
The changes mentioned I gathered here, aren't asking you to perform a complete facelift but rather to do some tweaks and upgrade to certain areas found lacking or questionable. Everyone of us are individual and unique so I would not perceive that there is a mould lest you are referring to our Creator. Having mention this I cannot help but to mention or rather to ask if your lack of progress has been something to do with your failure in your previous r/s a decade ago. Pardon me, for asking this, as from what you have posted so far and observed by others as well - you are indeed a good catch aka candidate - and as you had mentioned been active but simply fail to click. So IMO, besides understanding yourself, you will need to have a positive mindset about things around you. Just don't be too critical on yourself especially on past experiences and comments (especially the negative ones). As you know that things happen with a cause, and most of the time circumstancial involving other factors and people. In simple, don't be too harsh and over critical with yourself.
I do agree that you have yearnings for a meaningful and loving r/s however, don't let that cloud you and cause you to be over critical with yourself and casual date(s). You need to enjoy the activity, your partner's company and yourself - put the agenda aside for a while and let the r/s take its natural course through time. Stop thinking about your age catching up with you for this is not another episode of "The Amazing Race" and this is one race that is not against time. In fact, I'd rather take this as a Pursuit for excellent happiness.
And also as had mentioned before you are not simply looking for one but the right one. So just be more open minded and approachable. Take all proposals as a potential and certainly not as what you term "pity" as you are not an injured.
In conclusion, I'd just leave this with you: "If one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better."
– Jane Austen -
Originally posted by Joi_lin:
I do feel being single is not really a good thing. I really do not want to miss out on my personal growth and development. Somehow, I feel human beings are "constructed" in a way to be social and require proper relationships to feel complete and to produce the next generation. But I just find it tough to secure a relationship, let alone a meaningful one. I start to wonder what is wrong about myself or am I fated to be single? I really do not know the answer myself. Somehow, I really cannot believe singlehood is happening to me. Am I the "chosen" one?
I have a pretty good share of unkind remarks from people around me and some really cannot believe I am so single. Even some well meaning older women came up to me and told me that
" woman must marry, cannot be single, no good for you,very lonely, very unbalanced " Yes, I really feel my life is pretty loop-sided now and insecurity has been gripping me tightly all these while. This is how I started to feel as if I am be able relate those older and unmarried women. They seems to be my reference points in my near future. The thought of becoming them really scares me.Many of the conclusions here about myself are pretty accurate. I can be more of a homely person but I do get out of the house sometimes. I engage in light activities like movies and karaoke at times, but with my close friends of course.
But I no longer that young to change myself drastically. My character has its fixed mold. Of course, there are some changes that I can try to make and I am still seriously trying to figure out what they are.
Thanks for some of the humour about being "bad". Turning "bad" is never easy for me. I need to align my own actions according to my true values.
Some guys in this forums have been taking advantage of my unique situation and would like to partner me. I really find it amusing. Anyway, I really do not want pity. Instead, I value constructive opinions. Hope you guys get what I mean.
Thank you for your valuable comments.
Hi lady, start to change your lifestyle bit by bit everyday.
Actaully i kind of conclude why some ladies aren't taken is because they rarely socialised outside their social circle and getting to know more guy / letting more guy getting to know them.
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Joi Lin,
Haizz.. girl.. flirting doesn't mean you throw your body to a guy. Does NOT mean you have to act cheap to flirt.
It just means you make the guy feel good about himself , with the way you interact with him.
You want him to FEEL that in your eye... he is attractive .. he is smart.. he is .. you know.. someone with some mojo. If you can make him feel good about himself.. he'll feel good about you.
Like cooking.. you just have to acquire this skill.
Takes time.. but you really gota start some where.. you know ? Cannot download into your brain one.
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Joi Lin
I read some books on pyschology. You be surprise by what many of these psychologists said. It is the gal, who over 90% of the time, initiates interest and not the guy.
Women, psychologist said, has excellent body language skill over men. For example, when a gal is interested in a guy, she initiates eye contact, ie a few side glances.In you case, I think you have to learn the art body language communication.
But pyschology findings also reviewed that (some) man are poorer of the two sexes in intepretating of body language. So good luck -
Originally posted by 00011000:
Joi Lin
I read some books on pyschology. You be surprise by what many of these psychologists said. It is the gal, who over 90% of the time, initiates interest and not the guy.
Women, psychologist said, has excellent body language skill over men. For example, when a gal is interested in a guy, she initiates eye contact, ie a few side glances.In you case, I think you have to learn the art body language communication.
But pyschology findings also reviewed that (some) man are poorer of the two sexes in intepretating of body language. So good luckReally? I feel it takes lots of guts for women to initiate interest especially through body language.
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Yea, it takes alot of guts.
Thats why women are discreet in sending signals of interest. This also excites the man who notices, who then summon up all his courage to make the move.
There are many cases of signals not noticed, and also reading signals when there is no signals at all.
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You need to look for a relationship,
But you don't need to look for love...If you are serious into a real relationship, it must be a relationship that contains love...
Love isn't something to seek.
It comes naturally...Would you rather go into a relationship without love then a relationship with love?
Getting eager over when will love come is not important...
Age is not a problem in love...^^
Cheers -
lol, been a long while since i heard someone use this word "mojo"
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i will not put vulgarities in my post anymore...
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Thank you for your thought-provoking comments even though some are plain funny.
I still doing some soul-searching.Marriage is considered the cornerstone of a stable society.I really wonder if one have to really live by the standards of society in order to survive or be socially accepted by all. In other words, I am hoping to be normal functioning being. Yes, there will always be people less fortunate than ourselves. But who does not want improvement and progress in life? I am simply afraid being otracized or alienated from others. I really do not want to be labelled as "old maid" or "unwanted" or "SDU - Single, Desperate and Ugly". I am am just visualizing the problems in the future if I still remain single. If I really remain as what I am now, I fear that I may fall into depression. Its sound scary. you know.
I find it ironic. Some say it is "缘分" (fate). It comes naturally. Some say I must change myself and acquire some flirting skills. I really do not know which is which. If it is fated, then even my flirting skill is up by several notches, what I get may not be a serious relationship or there may not even be any relationship at all!
So am I fated to find the right partner or not? I really do not know.
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wah u scarin me leh.
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Originally posted by Joi_lin:
Thank you for your thought-provoking comments even though some are plain funny.
I still doing some soul-searching.Marriage is considered the cornerstone of a stable society.I really wonder if one have to really live by the standards of society in order to survive or be socially accepted by all. In other words, I am hoping to be normal functioning being. Yes, there will always be people less fortunate than ourselves. But who does not want improvement and progress in life? I am simply afraid being otracized or alienated from others. I really do not want to be labelled as "old maid" or "unwanted" or "SDU - Single, Desperate and Ugly". I am am just visualizing the problems in the future if I still remain single. If I really remain as what I am now, I fear that I may fall into depression. Its sound scary. you know.
I find it ironic. Some say it is "缘分" (fate). It comes naturally. Some say I must change myself and acquire some flirting skills. I really do not know which is which. If it is fated, then even my flirting skill is up by several notches, what I get may not be a serious relationship or there may not even be any relationship at all!
So am I fated to find the right partner or not? I really do not know.
Lol...
Albert Einstein as once considered a moron.
Mark Lee is once a karangguni man.
If they stick to the social norms, u think they can ever succeed in life? That is, if Mark Lee thinks he is only to be karangguni man forever, u think he will work hard for jack neo? If Albert Einstein really thinks he is moron, u think he can win Nobel prize?
Jo Lin, its ur thinking that gives u agony. Switch it to the positive side so as to lead a more fulfilling life, not a self-pity one.
It's seriously ok to be single, I dun see the need of having a partner when there is no one out there deserving my love. U can get married now, but divorced later ... that is even more agonising.
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Originally posted by Joi_lin:
I am simply afraid being otracized or alienated from others. I really do not want to be labelled as "old maid" or "unwanted" or "SDU - Single, Desperate and Ugly". I am am just visualizing the problems in the future if I still remain single. If I really remain as what I am now, I fear that I may fall into depression. Its sound scary. you know.
I find it ironic. Some say it is "缘分" (fate). It comes naturally. Some say I must change myself and acquire some flirting skills. I really do not know which is which. If it is fated, then even my flirting skill is up by several notches, what I get may not be a serious relationship or there may not even be any relationship at all!
So am I fated to find the right partner or not? I really do not know.
Wishes & Plans
If wishes worked like magic,
And plans worked that way too,
And everything you wished for,
Whether good or bad for you,
Immediately was granted
With no effort on your part,
You’d experience no fulfillment
Of your spirit or your heart.For things achieved too easily
Lose their charm and meaning too,
For it is life’s difficulties
And the trials we go through
That makes us strong in spirit
And endow us with the will
To surmount the insurmountable
And to climb the highest hill.So wish not for the easy way
To win your heart’s desire,
For the joy’s in overcoming
And withstanding flood and fire,
For to triumph over trouble
And grow stronger with defeat
Is to win the kind of victory
That will make your life complete.~ Helen Steiner Rice ~
&
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.
~Helen Keller~
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Originally posted by Joi_lin:
Thank you for your thought-provoking comments even though some are plain funny.
I still doing some soul-searching.Marriage is considered the cornerstone of a stable society.I really wonder if one have to really live by the standards of society in order to survive or be socially accepted by all. In other words, I am hoping to be normal functioning being. Yes, there will always be people less fortunate than ourselves. But who does not want improvement and progress in life? I am simply afraid being otracized or alienated from others. I really do not want to be labelled as "old maid" or "unwanted" or "SDU - Single, Desperate and Ugly". I am am just visualizing the problems in the future if I still remain single. If I really remain as what I am now, I fear that I may fall into depression. Its sound scary. you know.
I find it ironic. Some say it is "缘分" (fate). It comes naturally. Some say I must change myself and acquire some flirting skills. I really do not know which is which. If it is fated, then even my flirting skill is up by several notches, what I get may not be a serious relationship or there may not even be any relationship at all!
So am I fated to find the right partner or not? I really do not know.
You think & worry too much...Not everything that you know of, think of, or plan, will be the outcome you're looking for....
Be relax & explore around...since SGF has quite a no. of actitivities/outings, be brave & give yourself the opportunities to know more ppl...To understand more, instead of roaming yourself around in your mind all these years...
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Originally posted by Joi_lin:
Thank you for your thought-provoking comments even though some are plain funny.
I still doing some soul-searching.Marriage is considered the cornerstone of a stable society.I really wonder if one have to really live by the standards of society in order to survive or be socially accepted by all. In other words, I am hoping to be normal functioning being. Yes, there will always be people less fortunate than ourselves. But who does not want improvement and progress in life? I am simply afraid being otracized or alienated from others. I really do not want to be labelled as "old maid" or "unwanted" or "SDU - Single, Desperate and Ugly". I am am just visualizing the problems in the future if I still remain single. If I really remain as what I am now, I fear that I may fall into depression. Its sound scary. you know.
I find it ironic. Some say it is "缘分" (fate). It comes naturally. Some say I must change myself and acquire some flirting skills. I really do not know which is which. If it is fated, then even my flirting skill is up by several notches, what I get may not be a serious relationship or there may not even be any relationship at all!
So am I fated to find the right partner or not? I really do not know.
So, being single is not a normal functioning being? So you must get a bf, go through the routine of courting for a few years, then get a HDB, go through the customary wedding then get pregnant, give birth then slog and slog to pay through your nose for all the debts you and your future husband accumulated? If that is what you call a normal functioning being then go ahead.
But seems to me what you are trying to do is conform to this society's expectation and not your own. You bothered about how other sees you. And that is just so lame.
Sure, you may say 'yah yah of courselah it's easy for you to say such since you are attach with someone while I'm all alone in this whole Singapore' but hey nobody is stopping you from enjoying yourself being single. You think by having someone is a bed of roses? It's not as easy as you think for those like us being attach you know. We have our responsibility. Firstly whatever we do, we have to think of the other half feelings. We no longer could afford the luxury to just let down our hair and do whatever we like, like when we were single or without thinking twice. You! On the other hand has the priviledge to just take off to anywhere you like without reporting to anyone. You! Can make decision at the snap of your fingers without consulting and waiting for the other half to give his/her consent.
Oh yes, it's nice to have someone to cuddle up to but hey! We do have our downs too like we have to iron out of differences. It takes a lot a lot of sacrificing to have a partner. Getting someone to love or to call your own is not as easy as you think it to be.
I think a lot here has advice you to go take up a hobby or something instead of just harping about your singlehood. So, why don't you do it. Why? You want the whole world to sympathise with you? Not gonna happen sister.
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hmm, no offence, but if you're that easily depressed.. then better not get attached. because you will sabo the guy.
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Thanks for all the forthright comments. Appreciate them. Thank you very much
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at least u don't have men, not so bad.
the problem is when your parents force you to marry. KNN!
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are you that ugly or egoistic?
if not a guy is not hard to find
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hey jolin. Dun worry. You will meet ur prince. Tell u what. Dont give yourself too much stress. Like others had said. Expose urself to more outdoor activites. Be yourself and dun act. Your man will come by .... Good luck
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Also read up on how to attract man u like. U need to act to get hold of ur man you like. No man like passive women.