one-sided love
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its a waste.
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Originally posted by j_dsowner:
okay i admit, i'm female and she's female.
she was my classmate in secondary school. she wasn't in my clique yet , only around secondary 3 she joined our clique cos we ended up in the same class again after streaming.
that was when we two became extremely close, like besties.
i fell in love with her during that period of closeness and we have remained close ever since.
only till the beginning of sec 4 i intro-ed her a guy whom i know [ cos i tot i liked that guy and i was hoping that the guy liked me ]
in the end i found out the guy was jio-ing her. and soon after i've received a msg from her that they stead liao.
and yea of cos i got deeply hurt and i'm not gonna emphasis too much on that cos it'll result me in self pity again.
and now it's been 2 years since they have been together and they are still together and the problem here is,
i'm still in alot of pain whenever i tik tat she is with him, and we quarreled quite a few times when she cldn't go out with me.
but then when she is with me i feel very happy as if she is the other person in my life.
and sometimes i really do feel like telling her the truth and stuffs like that. i regretted alot not confessing to her in the past cos i almost have a feeling that she had a little feeling for me too cos i did alot alot to touch her heart many times. that's why i felt that i had a chance, but of cos ruined by that guy.
and now i'm stuck on telling her the truth. [ take note i'm still besties with her even tho we're diff sch now ]
shud i tell her that i have feelings for her for 3 years already or just kip my heart shut and wait till .. when?
once i've imagined her wedding day in the future and i reali had thoughts that i will commit suicide on that day cos i know i will feel alot of pain if i have to attend her wedding.
i even pictured myself willing to undergo sex change just to be with her for the rest of my life.
so i'm still very confused whether i should continue being good to her and wait for her or just move on. [ but i know the second option is damn hard. ]
It's not just a lesbian thingy; it's coupled with an unrequited love/fettered by your socio-cultural environment, which suggested the likelihood of a karmic relationship. Your relationship with her is close to the point of obsession and her presence will probably heighten your unhealthy obsession towards her. This is one classic blueprint of a karmic relationship and generally bestow you nothing but misery. Thus, there is no way you can remain close, yet without you having to feel the pain because your suffering is derive from a combination of sexual identity crisis and delusion.You are feeling intense because of your inability to resolve this sexual identity crisis and simultaneously, you are unable to liberate your suppressed emotions and live a free soul.
Therefore you must first understand that this crisis is very real and it's not something that goes away naturally by sleeping. You wore a mask for three years and shouldn't it be the time to get it all out once and for all? But surely, you must take into consideration that she might freak out and your friendship might never recover ever again.
You need to do what you need to and move on if things don't go your way. If she is only treating you as a good friend, all your 'affectionate gestures' will not be perceived by her romantically.
You need to have a stronger sense of self awareness and decide your route in life.
Only by knowing, would you be able to understand the path you opt to take eventually.
Cheers
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lesbianism..........useless.......no future
没有�能开花结果的。
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to Yunhaier,
yes i agree with what u said.
anyway i've decided to live a life of more of my own.
but the nights are the hardest. i always end up with thoughts of her. when i catch myself thinking of her, i would just knock my head n force myself to think of other things. it's just so hard. i can actually lie in bed thinking for 2 hours before dozing off every night.
and during daytime all i think is to sms her or chat with her online. i have to control myself. i can't seem to distract myself well. You guys can tell me to go out with other friends.. but the problem is money.. i can only go out let's say twice a week with friends.. and then most of the time at home i'll be playing games or watching videos. There are times i feel very lonely at home.
How do you guys suggest me to do if i wanna keep my mind of her?
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Originally posted by j_dsowner:
to Yunhaier,
yes i agree with what u said.
anyway i've decided to live a life of more of my own.
but the nights are the hardest. i always end up with thoughts of her. when i catch myself thinking of her, i would just knock my head n force myself to think of other things. it's just so hard. i can actually lie in bed thinking for 2 hours before dozing off every night.
and during daytime all i think is to sms her or chat with her online. i have to control myself. i can't seem to distract myself well. You guys can tell me to go out with other friends.. but the problem is money.. i can only go out let's say twice a week with friends.. and then most of the time at home i'll be playing games or watching videos. There are times i feel very lonely at home.
How do you guys suggest me to do if i wanna keep my mind of her?
I think you need to realise the fact that you need to be practical to address the issue. One observation I cannot help but tell you that you are a very frustrated individual and you are unable to let go of the feeling of loosing attention of your good friend. I think you need to be able to let go of your resentment and distract yourself a little.
Try and plan your free time ahead with activities you like to do. Prepare to have other friends in your schedule so that it will take your mind off and avoid you from calling your good friend. Learn to appreciate others and enjoy their company. Most of all, let your b/f know what you would like to do on your date and go ahead n have a ball of your time. I am sure there are things you can do that does not require spending exhorbitantly i.e. window shopping, reading all the magazines you like and want at Kiko/ Borders, find the cheapest and tasty hawker food, and many more. I am sure with your youth and creativity, you are bound to have more ideas than what I have already suggested.
Also, I am sure if your activity is reasonable (with advance budget planning) I m sure your parents will be able to cough out that extra little allowance for you. This is also another activity to keep you busy and certainly much more meaningful than to brood over things that just cannot happen and/or will not happen.
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hmm okay.. maybe i will try to be more appreciative of others who care for me. that might help me feel a little better..
anyway would like to announce here that i didn't msg her for the past 3 days. wonder if that is considered a step towards freedom of my heart?... i really want to let go of this pain. and i hope u guys here can help me with it.
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Originally posted by j_dsowner:
to Yunhaier,
yes i agree with what u said.
anyway i've decided to live a life of more of my own.
but the nights are the hardest. i always end up with thoughts of her. when i catch myself thinking of her, i would just knock my head n force myself to think of other things. it's just so hard. i can actually lie in bed thinking for 2 hours before dozing off every night.
and during daytime all i think is to sms her or chat with her online. i have to control myself. i can't seem to distract myself well. You guys can tell me to go out with other friends.. but the problem is money.. i can only go out let's say twice a week with friends.. and then most of the time at home i'll be playing games or watching videos. There are times i feel very lonely at home.
How do you guys suggest me to do if i wanna keep my mind of her?
You can't coerced feelings out of your soul the way you extract egg yolk from the whites.Everything MUST come from within - if the acceptance is not genuine from your inner self, the top-to-down demands issued by your mind will not be assimilated into motivation to change your circumstances. Basically you are only trying to dissolve this crisis through artificial pressure, but if it ever hits your breaking point, you will probably implode, especially when you are caught simultaneously in a low emotional state.
I don't need you to forget about her; I only need you to understand yourself, as well as to fully understand that not all Love is the Love you know. It doesn't matter whether you end up being a heterosexual or a gay person because you live with the consequence based on the choice you pick. Love does not discriminate it's cosmic lesson because everyone suffers various degree of pain/hurt in Love.
You seemed to reveal traits of insecurity, similar to characteristic of any lover that also display signs of obsession.
However, one can only hope to dissolve a karmic relationship through cultivated wisdom and higher realization. Thus the understanding of the essence of Love truly transcends all state because Love per se is pristine - just that our decision in life often draw us towards complication.
Sometimes, we live in false dreams; gazing at the surrealistic motion picture, we consciously already know at the back of our head that this is not exactly something possible. But we still hold onto a deluded possibility that things might just happen for the weirdest of reasons.
Even so, will that bring you fulfilment? Or more pain and suffering?
You got to internalize these questions inside and appease your forbidden love from rebelling.
A child will not willingly eat his veggies unless his mother forced it upon him. But there is only so much a mother can do to make his child eat those greens. It would be a whole lot easier if the child understand the importance of eating vegetables and have him accept it as part of his diet from a young age.
You are like the child.
Think about it.
Cheers
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Yunhaier
so what you're trying to say is that i must slowly figure out what i really want out of this friendship?
and my actions will bring out huge consequences?
yes, i'm indeed confused at times whether it's love or just a normal friendship bond and that gets me really lost in life.
and now i'm stuck in treating her good or distance myself a little more away from her.
one of my friend once told me " there's always a limit to being a friend . " [ cos she suspects something about me that time ]
is that true? is there a limit to being a friend? I didn't know that being too good to someone will bring about harm.
and today that girl msged me, and i replied in a rather unhappy tone. and she msg me back " since you are so unhappy i won't disturb you further. "
am i right in doing this? I don't know how to reply to that. i don't know if i should talk to her. i don't know if i should just keep to myself from her.
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Originally posted by j_dsowner:
Yunhaier
so what you're trying to say is that i must slowly figure out what i really want out of this friendship?
and my actions will bring out huge consequences?
yes, i'm indeed confused at times whether it's love or just a normal friendship bond and that gets me really lost in life.
and now i'm stuck in treating her good or distance myself a little more away from her.
one of my friend once told me " there's always a limit to being a friend . " [ cos she suspects something about me that time ]
is that true? is there a limit to being a friend? I didn't know that being too good to someone will bring about harm.
and today that girl msged me, and i replied in a rather unhappy tone. and she msg me back " since you are so unhappy i won't disturb you further. "
am i right in doing this? I don't know how to reply to that. i don't know if i should talk to her. i don't know if i should just keep to myself from her.
Your action will beget consequence to your own identity - the
identity you carry. If you are clear about your own definition of how you
see this friendship, being a good friend is merely being a good friend. But if
you are always within the grey area, you are just making things difficult for
yourself and her as you will probably resort to hot-cold treatment to ease the
intention. That per se creates misery for both.It is not the perimeters that the world has set for what defines a friendship, rather, it's your self understanding that will enlighten you on the underlying rationale why are you behaving in that manner.
Identity confusion is an adolescent phase some people go through. It doesn't mean that if you are having some sort of crisis, it automatically means that you are a gay person. You just need to learn to segment emotions and feelings from within and put names to these classifications so that you are able to recognize and differentiate them.
Of course, at the end of the day, if you are hell of a sure that you are in love with your bestie and internalize that you are a lesbian, that's a completely different story altogether.
Learn to know yourself. Speak to someone else you are comfortable with (probably not within your social circle if you fear words might go around) and release some of these closet thoughts. You might actually feel better and discover more about yourself and learn to make better judgment.
Cheers
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So TS, u mean u r a lesbian ?
U like gals but not guys?
If you're a lesbian, then its alrite, but since ur fren has a bf, this means she doesnt think the same way as u do,
So, keep your distance from her and try to get some1 with the same channel as yours.
Or you would say your life is wasted for some1 whom is not the same channel as yours.
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Originally posted by j_dsowner:
Yunhaier
so what you're trying to say is that i must slowly figure out what i really want out of this friendship?
and my actions will bring out huge consequences?
yes, i'm indeed confused at times whether it's love or just a normal friendship bond and that gets me really lost in life.
and now i'm stuck in treating her good or distance myself a little more away from her.
one of my friend once told me " there's always a limit to being a friend . " [ cos she suspects something about me that time ]
is that true? is there a limit to being a friend? I didn't know that being too good to someone will bring about harm.
and today that girl msged me, and i replied in a rather unhappy tone. and she msg me back " since you are so unhappy i won't disturb you further. "
am i right in doing this? I don't know how to reply to that. i don't know if i should talk to her. i don't know if i should just keep to myself from her.
Hi Ts,
Sort out your emotion before concluding you are a lesbian.
Is it more of a love or more of a bondage ?
It seems to me more of an attachment, rather than love. I think your friend is really straight cos she has a bf already.Instead of feeling jealous and possessive over her, feel happy for her happiness, if u really "love ( as a friend )" her.
And for you, you have to settle down your emotion and feel it through properly. I don't think sexuality is pretty much defined. You are probably going through a growing up phase trying to understand your emotion and sexuality orientation.
I could say being too nice to a friend does not mean anything. It could mean you are just being too nice.
On a sidetrack and for the last time, i could say,sometime one does get what other pple is driving at for exceeding limitation cos honestly, one does not have there intention of what they were thinking in the first place. Period.
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TS,
Just because of a number of failures in your r/s with the opposite sex will mean that you will not be able to find another in the future and / or ever going to be successful the next time. Also, you are certainly not an odd one out here, to the point, that you need to seek attention and solace from people of your own sex. R/s I think involves a lot of effort and chemistry, and people do fail one way or another. Just don't take these failures too personally and on yourself. You need to realize that sometimes failures and rejections aren't solely your doing and/or you. I am sure you know what my point here is.
As you can see that your close friend is preferring a straight r/s, you can understand that not everyone (including her) is considering lesbianism on the outright. I feel that if you can try and give yourself more time and chance to what is to come. I am sure you have guys approaching you and I hope that you open up. Don't be so one track minded. Give others a chance and you will be giving yourself a chance.
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for being lesbian or not, i'm not very sure over this issue.
It's true that i've never gotten into any relationship with any guys before, but i admit that i got notice and observe at those guys in the street. I've also felt a little small crush on a few guy friends before. But somehow it wasn't to the extent of me thinking of them when i'm away or whatsoever.
To Zarks, i've already mentioned that i cannot keep my distance from her. This is because we are known to be best friends in our clique. Means we exchange smses daily and chat on msn each other both of us are online. We even talk on the phone often. If i were to suddenly just stop doing one of these things, she'll get angry cos she'll know i'm unhappy with her.
About speaking to someone else in my social circle as mentioned by Yunhaier, i feel that i cannot trust anyone over this issue. I once nearly split the beans to one of my close friends in the clique because she kept on asking me if i like my best friend. However i didn't because i felt that it was too risky and in the future she might somehow betray me.
To Isis, it is hard for me to not feel jealous when she's out with her bf and stuffs like that. However i can control this jealousy. But if u want me to feel happy for her, i think that is nearly impossible. and yes i agree with you that i may still be confused over my feelings but i just cannot control myself from thinking of her.
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oh k,
1st u need to know do u feel the urge to live with a gal together , or to do somethings like bf-gf do each other. do u feel like hugging a gal or kissing them, or anyway that is very abnormal compared to just a best frens?
i know gal to gal r/s especially best fren are more intimate than those of guy - guy best fren. seems like u always talk to this gal everyday, somehow u feel when she got a bf, she never had more time being with u than with the guy. its normal anyway, since its your habit to communicate with her everyday 24/7.
u can still talk to her like usual, but u better make sure of your own feeling of wanting your best fren to be your partner or just best fren.. your words of 'fell in love' is quite confusing.. are you really in love ? or u just miss her very much.
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so can u conclude your feeling bout her having bf now?
What is your feeling? anger, unhappy, sad or anything, and most important thing, do you wan your best fren to have a bf or you want her to be with you as future partner? im sure u know wat i mean.
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To Ts,
When ur heart is as confused as your head, it is better to get away from it and deal with your own feeling and head first.
There's a tight situation there regarding her as your best friend, however, i think you should, for a start do something for yourself first. If you can't handle yourself, how can you handle the thing call love ?
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to Zarks
the only super strong feeling i had with her was to hold her hand. but i do get upset when i see her hugging other close friends. and yeah girl best friends are very initimate with each other. glad u know that. we quarrelled quite a few times over the time she spent with her bf, and once she msged me you're just a friend and he's a boyfriend . that of course made me cried bitterly. The way i feel is that, i always give in alot of her, and sometimes i do wanna feel the way someone else give in to me.
and about the feeling of her having a bf now is quite neutral if i don't get exposed to their pictuers and stuffs like that. because they already stead for a long time. But i admit i have not accepted this fact 100% fully. How to explain.. but i'll just state example here. like if i know she's out with her bf today, den i'm outside too, i'll be so cautious when i'm shopping or in the train and my heart beats extremely fast if i happen to see someone who looks similiar to her [ this is because i do not wish to bump into them at all to prevent embarrassment ] and if i have to go friendster, i'll use my hand to block the computer screen of her pictures because i don't wanna see it. that's basically what i do and feel abt this issue.
and to Isis
i'm not quite sure over how u expect me to do something for myself, could u kindly please elaborate?
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Originally posted by j_dsowner:
to Zarks
the only super strong feeling i had with her was to hold her hand. but i do get upset when i see her hugging other close friends. and yeah girl best friends are very initimate with each other. glad u know that. we quarrelled quite a few times over the time she spent with her bf, and once she msged me you're just a friend and he's a boyfriend . that of course made me cried bitterly. The way i feel is that, i always give in alot of her, and sometimes i do wanna feel the way someone else give in to me.
and about the feeling of her having a bf now is quite neutral if i don't get exposed to their pictuers and stuffs like that. because they already stead for a long time. But i admit i have not accepted this fact 100% fully. How to explain.. but i'll just state example here. like if i know she's out with her bf today, den i'm outside too, i'll be so cautious when i'm shopping or in the train and my heart beats extremely fast if i happen to see someone who looks similiar to her [ this is because i do not wish to bump into them at all to prevent embarrassment ] and if i have to go friendster, i'll use my hand to block the computer screen of her pictures because i don't wanna see it. that's basically what i do and feel abt this issue.
and to Isis
i'm not quite sure over how u expect me to do something for myself, could u kindly please elaborate?
Hi ts,
i don't expect u to do anythings.. you should ask yourself what can you do to lessen your suffering.
You, yourself should know that you are suffering due to attachment.
It is time to let go of attachment.
Don't create anymore suffering for yourself by further deluding yourself .
Cheers.
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Originally posted by j_dsowner:
to Zarks
the only super strong feeling i had with her was to hold her hand. but i do get upset when i see her hugging other close friends. and yeah girl best friends are very initimate with each other. glad u know that. we quarrelled quite a few times over the time she spent with her bf, and once she msged me you're just a friend and he's a boyfriend . that of course made me cried bitterly. The way i feel is that, i always give in alot of her, and sometimes i do wanna feel the way someone else give in to me.
and about the feeling of her having a bf now is quite neutral if i don't get exposed to their pictuers and stuffs like that. because they already stead for a long time. But i admit i have not accepted this fact 100% fully. How to explain.. but i'll just state example here. like if i know she's out with her bf today, den i'm outside too, i'll be so cautious when i'm shopping or in the train and my heart beats extremely fast if i happen to see someone who looks similiar to her [ this is because i do not wish to bump into them at all to prevent embarrassment ] and if i have to go friendster, i'll use my hand to block the computer screen of her pictures because i don't wanna see it. that's basically what i do and feel abt this issue.
and to Isis
i'm not quite sure over how u expect me to do something for myself, could u kindly please elaborate?
Hi ts,
i don't expect u to do anythings.. you should ask yourself what can you do to lessen your suffering.
You, yourself should know that you are suffering due to attachment.
It is time to let go of attachment.
Don't create anymore suffering for yourself by further deluding yourself .
Cheers.
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See a doctor ?
Everything is not right .
First, u are not straight.
Second, u like more then one girl at a time.
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Originally posted by VL:
See a doctor ?
Everything is not right .
First, u are not straight.
Second, u like more then one girl at a time.
sigh. is it just me or... -
Originally posted by j_dsowner:
hmm okay.. maybe i will try to be more appreciative of others who care for me. that might help me feel a little better..
anyway would like to announce here that i didn't msg her for the past 3 days. wonder if that is considered a step towards freedom of my heart?... i really want to let go of this pain. and i hope u guys here can help me with it.
Congrats! Keep it up! -
Originally posted by j_dsowner:
one thing i have not yet spoken about is how i feel towards her,
yes sometimes i really do think that maybe cos i just needed someone by my side and i may have mistaken it as love.
sometimes, some things are best left unsaid.Cook up an excuse if you must, no point blowing hot and cold like Yunhaier said, set a target time, and during this time, distant yourself away from her. Trust that she would have her other friends to help her out and she is independent enough. You need to seek your own pasture and identity...
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so ehh......youre a lesb?
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J_dsowner,
Correct me if I am wrong, but I get the impression that you are still very young. You knew the girl in your secondary school days but that was a few years ago... That would put you at around age 17~18, right?
A couple of things to note:
At that age, young people often cannot differentiate between love and friendship. They often (and is quite normal, accoridng to the experts) have crush on a member of the same sex and thought that they are in love. In addition, puppy love is also very common. You really thought you are in love with someone and that you cannot live without that person. In time, you will realize that the situation is perhaps not as serious as you think.
When I was your age, I thought I was seriously in love with one of my classmates. I think that girl also reciprocated my feelings (caught her stealing glances at me). I was so in love (or so I thought) that I would pray to whatever divine powers out there to let us be togather... and I would gladly give 10 years off my life. After we finished our A levels I mustered all my courage and asked her. She agreed and we went out a few times. Then I was conscripted into the Army and we started drifting apart. I was devastated at first. But Army life as a lowly recruit means that you do not have time to do anything! (including being devastated over the loss of your 'perceived' love). After my basic training I got posted into a combat unit... That means busy weekdays and weeknights (trainings) and quite a few burnt weekends (duties) That also mean that I have no time for self pity.
It happened so gradually... and it didn't even occurred to me that I have already got over my feelings for her when, one year later I met her at a class reunion. By that time, I have lost all my intense feelings for her and I can treat her as my 'normal' friend.
What I am trying to say is this, just live life as normal. Do not burden yourself by thinking too far ahead into the future (like she getting married). At the same time, keep yourself busy (studying, or doing a sport that you enjoy)... and in no time, you will have realised that you have pulled yourself out of the miserable situation you find yourself in.
Good Luck.