Feeling blue...desperately seeking help
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This is my first post here although I have been an avid follower of this forum for quite some time.
I never thought that I would have to post my "worries" - as I always thought that this type of thing could not happen to me.
Well here I go...
My fiancee of 5 years has just recently told me that she doesnt love me anymore and she just treats me as a friend...this came as a complete shock to me. (on one fine day and we had no quarrels before that)
When I questioned her why...is it because she has found someone else...she told me a FIRM NO...she said it is because of my attitude...over the years she has been trying to sustain the relationship (we are staying together) but she cant stand me anymore...Although I have not been affectionate to her (but i have always had her in mind whenever I plan to do thing be it my career, my outings I always seek her opinion first)..I am really a soft person at heart perhaps I just try to act macho.
I told her mum about this and also broke the news to my parents... my parents and her parents told me that perhaps she said it in a fist of fury and she doesnt really mean it and perhaps she is just plain confused....
They told me to bring her on a holiday and hopefully things can work on fine...and hence i decided to heed their advice and decide to bring her on a trip - to a country that she is fond of and had always wanted to go...
It has been nearly 3 weeks since she broke the news to me..however she is still with me, we still sleep on the same bed and furthermore she is still concerned about me(i think...maybe just as a friend)..when i fell sick...she took care of me...
Is this just a platonic relationship that she cares for me is because that she just treats me as a good friend? or is she just plain confused...
She still talks to me - however she tries to aviod the topic...she just doesnt want to talk about it...
Her parents are flying over (I am residing presently not in Singapore) and her mum said to me that she will advice her on what to do...she told me that she had already treated me as her son-in-law...
I just spoke to her yesterday and asked her that if she still wants to go on a holiday with me so that we can try and forget things...she said that she will go with me however she doesnt want to give me any high hopes as even after the holiday trip...things can still turn negative...she told me to let her stay in singapore for a while to think it over and she said that she will try to search for the loving feelings...if she could she would come back to me....
I have always loved her and till today i told her that my arms is still open and awaiting for you to come back into my arms....
My heart has shattered into pieces...to actually hear from someone you love and has lived together for so many years...to tell you that she does not love you anymore and only treats you as a friend...
I said to her yesterday that do give me high hopes...dont follow me on a holiday and after the holiday and tell me that it may not work out...she said that it may or it may not work out...she just needs time to think....
She said to me that if you want an answer now..before the holiday...i can tell you that it cannot work and please do not pressure or force me for an answer now...and in that conversation or argument that we had - she still maintains that she doesnt love me and treats me a friend...at this present moment...in the future she doesnt know...
I am in a state of shock and i feel so little...i cant even go to work and be myself....i dont know what to do....
Please help.... -
sigh.... take time out for the both of u. if u wana try & work things out, go for a holiday together. get away from wrk family, frens.... just the 2 of u. this way u can both concentrate on each other and hopefully talk & work things out.good luck bro.
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it hurts doesnt it...at least it did not happen after u 2 are married...
i suppose when one is in a relationship long enough...certain *bad* traits surface as a result of habit and familiarity....
i would take it hard....and bery bad...but after a while...u realise she's still with you...maybe she doesnt equate your level of commitment to that of hers...
u know its just like us guys.,..sometimes we freak out when we get closer to marraige and we think...ahh are am i able to spend the rest of my life with her?
ihmo....she is using it as a sign to seek more love and care from you...so it would be good if u put in 200% more effort...in loving her..
not much help...u may wanan wait for your resident uncle agony Yunhaier -
Hi there,
my heart goes out to you.. i am a guy and i think that u are too hard on her..maybe she doesnt like committments.. why dun u wait until the holiday is over first. Like wat her parents say, maybe she said it in spurt of anger. Likewise in many relationships, there are its ups and downs. Not many things in a relationship can be solved amicably. She is ur fiancee and most likely, there wun be any platonic relationship. Things will go your way if u ask me.
I just wish all the best to you and take it slowly. All the best once again.. -
looking at things now...it does seem gloomy...a r/s of 5 yrs doesnt guarantee a fairytale ending...
sometimes e luv fades as time goes by..n neither party realizes..or in ur case..ur gf has cum 2 find out out e awful truth tat she has fallen outa luv wif u...
she could b rite..she cld b wrong..no one truly understands affairs of e heart aniwae...
giv it somemore time pal...but when its time 2 let go..do so gracefully..
rbr tat time heals all wounds...n when u're rejuvenated again..u juz might find e one waiting 4 u all tis while... -
In the first place, she told you that she doesn't love you anymore. Could it be that she's having some personal problems like having alot of stress and pressure at work, you didn't shower her with enough care and concern or love, you didn't spend enough time with her? Or she might have found someone who love her more?
yah, as what you have said, she gave you a Firm NO, and she could said that in a fit of anger, or maybe she's really stress.. Maybe you might want to sit down and have a heart to heart talk and ask her why she's feeling this way about your attitude. And what kind of attitude does she not like about you?
and as what you have said, when you are sick, she still concerns about you, that means, she still loves you and is showering you with some care and concern to you. did you show her care when she's sick?
Since you are bringing her to her favourite place, remember to make her happy, make her enjoy every minute of happiness with you..
Hope that after your holiday, everything turns out well.. -
Originally posted by Peppermint:
it hurts doesnt it...at least it did not happen after u 2 are
........
not much help...u may wanan wait for your resident uncle agony Yunhaier
Hello. Where are the experts? -
Your case is a pretty common case of fiancee, that has gone through a long period of time yet marriage isn't there yet. Have you ever wonder why is the *real* reason behind her claims?Originally posted by jwchin:This is my first post here although I have been an avid follower of this forum for quite some time.
I never thought that I would have to post my "worries" - as I always thought that this type of thing could not happen to me.
Well here I go...
My fiancee of 5 years has just recently told me that she doesnt love me anymore and she just treats me as a friend...this came as a complete shock to me. (on one fine day and we had no quarrels before that)
When I questioned her why...is it because she has found someone else...she told me a FIRM NO...she said it is because of my attitude...over the years she has been trying to sustain the relationship (we are staying together) but she cant stand me anymore...Although I have not been affectionate to her (but i have always had her in mind whenever I plan to do thing be it my career, my outings I always seek her opinion first)..I am really a soft person at heart perhaps I just try to act macho.
I told her mum about this and also broke the news to my parents... my parents and her parents told me that perhaps she said it in a fist of fury and she doesnt really mean it and perhaps she is just plain confused....
They told me to bring her on a holiday and hopefully things can work on fine...and hence i decided to heed their advice and decide to bring her on a trip - to a country that she is fond of and had always wanted to go...
It has been nearly 3 weeks since she broke the news to me..however she is still with me, we still sleep on the same bed and furthermore she is still concerned about me(i think...maybe just as a friend)..when i fell sick...she took care of me...
Is this just a platonic relationship that she cares for me is because that she just treats me as a good friend? or is she just plain confused...
She still talks to me - however she tries to aviod the topic...she just doesnt want to talk about it...
Her parents are flying over (I am residing presently not in Singapore) and her mum said to me that she will advice her on what to do...she told me that she had already treated me as her son-in-law...
I just spoke to her yesterday and asked her that if she still wants to go on a holiday with me so that we can try and forget things...she said that she will go with me however she doesnt want to give me any high hopes as even after the holiday trip...things can still turn negative...she told me to let her stay in singapore for a while to think it over and she said that she will try to search for the loving feelings...if she could she would come back to me....
I have always loved her and till today i told her that my arms is still open and awaiting for you to come back into my arms....
My heart has shattered into pieces...to actually hear from someone you love and has lived together for so many years...to tell you that she does not love you anymore and only treats you as a friend...
I said to her yesterday that do give me high hopes...dont follow me on a holiday and after the holiday and tell me that it may not work out...she said that it may or it may not work out...she just needs time to think....
She said to me that if you want an answer now..before the holiday...i can tell you that it cannot work and please do not pressure or force me for an answer now...and in that conversation or argument that we had - she still maintains that she doesnt love me and treats me a friend...at this present moment...in the future she doesnt know...
I am in a state of shock and i feel so little...i cant even go to work and be myself....i dont know what to do....
Please help....
One Factor which could be the reason why she made her claims, (my deduction since you never state certain points)
Correct me if I am wrong: Plans of marriage is draggy since both of you are engaged for five years (which means together for more than five years inclusive of BGR) and now recently you may bring up the subject of marriage, or somehow certain situation could make her feel that marriage between the both of you is drawing near.
So what has it got to do with her claims?
One criticial problem and issue about being engaged and living together is the dragging this title far too long without marriage. Psychologically proven - people are less willing to settle down for a marriage because one thing: If when you are engaged and lived together, you enjoy some good aspect of a marriage (like sexual activity with *license*, etc) without the burden of marriage (Kids, financial, a REAL couple responsibilities, etc).
She said that she is now treating you as a friend, etc, yet caring for you, etc - this only prove one thing and I am 90% sure of this: She is now doubting that the characteristic found in you - is it really the ones she is seeking? The one who will be walking with her together till death do you people apart?
You are a good man - there is no serious fault that can be found in you, but in relations, regardless of marriage, engaged or BGR, it either goes up or down. Furthermore you stated that affection is not there, although you love her, it certainly is not going up. You loved her but you don't show it - it is like you save up your money without the intention to spend it - saving it just for the sake of saving it. You *DON'T* have to show to the whole world, but just to her, many a times its good - provided its not too late.
My advice is this:
She is confused - you have to take lead.
She is confused - you have to prove and show that you are the only one that she needs this lifetime.
She is confused because time has clouded her vision in this relationship.
*Correct me If I am wrong* - this your relation going routine? If you suspect it is, do something about it.
When the both of you go overseas for the trip. Firstly don't put your hope too high (everything is fated; Zacken's signature... lol). Then, when speaking to her, not speak about whether she wants this relation or not, etc - this is PRESSURING her.
You tactics has to be SHOW not tell. During this period, try to revive talks about old times when you people come together. The good times and bad times. Now this is the time, if you haven't, to ask the inner aspect between the both of you - why did she chose you? Whats her view about Love? Etc... etc...
You have to TOUCHED her... because you don't have all the time in the world to do so. Not immediate propose or what... but as in the time spent together its something really meaningful and you have to SAY that even you don't tell her I love you everyday, you do care. SHE HAS TO HEAR from your MOUTH. One key element to take notice: you also have to share your own views if she kept silent - if you bare your hearts to people, people will bare their hearts to you.
I am not asking you to be romantic - I am asking you to be sincere and to be the loving you when it comes to her. She is temporary confused - and if led properly, she will return.
P.S: In case if complication occurs, or when the situational factors changed, or when you have succeed. Send me a pte msg or post it here. I will get to you as fast as I could.
Cheers -
wahhh.. -
ohh this is scary....this reply also suitable for me...erm thanks again Yun
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Welcome... I am just being naggy.Originally posted by Peppermint:ohh this is scary....this reply also suitable for me...erm thanks again Yun
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Originally posted by Yunhaier:Welcome... I am just being naggy. Why don't you go write for papers?
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So sorry to hear about your situation *SIGH*
Besides all the other postings, one thing I can say with any certainty is that what often seems to be clear to you, is often be clouded by a lot of emotions - which is natural. Do you know of techniques to approach and think about things objectively and level-headedly?
If you need help, contact Julaina of the Care & Counselling Centre. She's the warmest, wisest and most understanding FRIEND anyone could have! If it's not been changed, the number is 6538 6366.
Me no connected to this organisation or selling it ah...just to clear the air, but when you have a serious problem, look to seasoned experts for help (not that I am saying some of U here aren't experienced...so please don't be offended in anyway).
They have a multitude of years and years of living experiences as well as specialised training to help you arrive at your own solution. Often, most of the effort comes from trying to find out the REAL problem(s) and what triggers these problems.
OOPS!!! Just realised that you are NOT in Singapore. Where R U? Seek assistance from a counselling centre where you're located. These people are normally legally and/or ethically bound to keep mtters confidential. Seriously, seek professioal help. -
First and foremost - I thank everyone for their most helpful "thesis"
Guru Yun (If I may call you that) - you really live up to your name, your hypothesis is spot on.
Using words in the previous posting to describe the feeling and the process I am going through can never be projected into real and actual feelings, despite the wonderful potent exhausive English vocab.
Yes, I have been mean to her - I admit, I havent really shown any concern to her during the past 2 years, has it gone bland...perhaps...has it gone sour...yes perhaps...have i been a clown...NO...i havent been able to make her laugh and smile for a long time...
Perhaps the fault of mine was that I was too "Deep" in my work...i have been in a constant struggle and my hunger to climb the corporate ladder...I was blinded by status and my position in the company, i spent late nights working, weekends too, WHY?...you may ask...what for...as the saying goes...behind every successful man there is always a woman...I have taken that woman for granted...to tell you honestly, I wanted to prove myself that I can be successful, I THOUGHT that she would be proud of me, I THOUGHT that I can give her happiness by means of monetary rewards...since we first got together she told me that her dream car was XX car, what did I do...I worked towards that...I managed to get her that car, because she wanted it.
Just last year, her mum kinda rushed her to get married with me, and has been pressurising her, she told me - however I asked her face to face (when we lay in bed) do you want to get married?..she said not yet...wait first....perhaps in a few years time....you guys might say, how come i didnt want to get married?...am I scared?..frighten?...NO...it wasnt the case...it was because she didnt say she wanted it...the thought came from her mum, if she said she wanted to get married...i wouldnt have hesitated....similarly, the engagement, it was because she told me that she wanted it...and hence i agreed...I didnt want to hear that from her mum, i wanted to hear it from herself....
She has always wanted to be in Singapore, when we first quarrel just 3 weeks ago, i said to her, if you want to go back to Singapore, I will do just that - I will pack up my bag and go back to Singapore tomorrow if you want. I am willing to give up everything including my nice job in this foreign country - just to be with her...
In a way I look to this episode and say to myself, this is a lesson and people do make mistakes and they have to learn from their mistakes (to guys out there, NEVER NEVER take your partner for granted, he/she is far more important than anything else, a wonderful career, a house, car is nothing if you come home and there is no one at home to share all these with you...
I am glad in a way that this has surfaced, or else I will be suffering from a career MYOPIA...all I care was to work and earn money...forgetting the love ones....
I love her and I still do...even before this episode occured - i would occasionally sms her and tell her that i miss her and love her..."muacks" and all...but all this while i was at work...not beside her...
I was rude to her, i do at times throw my temper at her...yes i admit i did that....however everytime we quarrel, I would always give in to her...and pretend nothing has happened....
I will try to make up to her...i have applied for a long leave...i want to revive our feelings for one another...I have learnt my mistake...and I will do whatever it takes to change my attitude...
Thanks... -
What will it take to be happy again......
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when u die. at least for me.
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The preception of men often lies within trying to give their woman a happy, good life after when they get married - more often than not, most of the time - simple, sincere but enjoyable time spent together is much more worthwhile than all these luxury she is seeking. You are working hard so that she can have a good life later when she marries you - I understand and know that love has grew responsibility in you, which made you strive and work hard. But till the point where you neglect her... whats the use when in the end she may left you, leaving you to those money, etc... so by working so hard, does it even matter? I am so gald you realise this point - nothing is better than acknowledging the fault within oneself and attempt to work it out.Originally posted by jwchin:First and foremost - I thank everyone for their most helpful "thesis"
Guru Yun (If I may call you that) - you really live up to your name, your hypothesis is spot on.
Using words in the previous posting to describe the feeling and the process I am going through can never be projected into real and actual feelings, despite the wonderful potent exhausive English vocab.
Yes, I have been mean to her - I admit, I havent really shown any concern to her during the past 2 years, has it gone bland...perhaps...has it gone sour...yes perhaps...have i been a clown...NO...i havent been able to make her laugh and smile for a long time...
Perhaps the fault of mine was that I was too "Deep" in my work...i have been in a constant struggle and my hunger to climb the corporate ladder...I was blinded by status and my position in the company, i spent late nights working, weekends too, WHY?...you may ask...what for...as the saying goes...behind every successful man there is always a woman...I have taken that woman for granted...to tell you honestly, I wanted to prove myself that I can be successful, I THOUGHT that she would be proud of me, I THOUGHT that I can give her happiness by means of monetary rewards...since we first got together she told me that her dream car was XX car, what did I do...I worked towards that...I managed to get her that car, because she wanted it.
Just last year, her mum kinda rushed her to get married with me, and has been pressurising her, she told me - however I asked her face to face (when we lay in bed) do you want to get married?..she said not yet...wait first....perhaps in a few years time....you guys might say, how come i didnt want to get married?...am I scared?..frighten?...NO...it wasnt the case...it was because she didnt say she wanted it...the thought came from her mum, if she said she wanted to get married...i wouldnt have hesitated....similarly, the engagement, it was because she told me that she wanted it...and hence i agreed...I didnt want to hear that from her mum, i wanted to hear it from herself....
She has always wanted to be in Singapore, when we first quarrel just 3 weeks ago, i said to her, if you want to go back to Singapore, I will do just that - I will pack up my bag and go back to Singapore tomorrow if you want. I am willing to give up everything including my nice job in this foreign country - just to be with her...
In a way I look to this episode and say to myself, this is a lesson and people do make mistakes and they have to learn from their mistakes (to guys out there, NEVER NEVER take your partner for granted, he/she is far more important than anything else, a wonderful career, a house, car is nothing if you come home and there is no one at home to share all these with you...
I am glad in a way that this has surfaced, or else I will be suffering from a career MYOPIA...all I care was to work and earn money...forgetting the love ones....
I love her and I still do...even before this episode occured - i would occasionally sms her and tell her that i miss her and love her..."muacks" and all...but all this while i was at work...not beside her...
I was rude to her, i do at times throw my temper at her...yes i admit i did that....however everytime we quarrel, I would always give in to her...and pretend nothing has happened....
I will try to make up to her...i have applied for a long leave...i want to revive our feelings for one another...I have learnt my mistake...and I will do whatever it takes to change my attitude...
Thanks...
I was so right - she was pressurized by some factor into marriage, which means that the points I made in my essay before is basically what she is going through. She is hesistating because she is thinking 'Now we live together and I am leading such a life... imagine if we were to get married...' kind of thoughts. It has never been a problem to you whether you want to get married or what - it lies with her. Of course, you would get married if she agrees - financially you are very stable, relationship gone long enough to settle down, etc. For her? I bet with 90% confidence that before she sleep or whenever she is alone - this negative thought will pop out. It accumulates within her and when her mum pressurized her to get married - the catalysis - she suddenly blow the news to you saying that her love is just friendship.
2 years - is a long period of time that you have neglect her. Maybe to her, it could be longer. To revive your relation, I have already made my statement in my prior post. The thing is that you have to *LET* her realise that when she eventually married you - she will NEVER regret it.
I could sense very strong emotional vibes coming from you - all these statement you posted it here, people here can only advice and encourage - the main thing is that the main actress in your story has to know all that. Tell her... share with her... this view... this plan you already have... tell her that now things are more stable financially - you will give all your available time to her. You compromise and try to work things out - she also have to try to give you a chance.
Heres a tip: You have been concentrated so much on the financial aspect of this relation. Now is the time to focus on the emotional and spiritual aspect of your relation. If you know she wants to move back to Singapore - perhaps you could make it a surprise to her one day, saying that you people would be moving back to Singapore, etc. They will definitely say 'aiya nevermind lar, don't be so troublesome, etc.' but when you do it for their sake willingly - they will be smiling in their heart.
Always try to understand her viewpoint on how she percieve love, relation and related issues. Woman, generally (99%), when you are able to make them speak their hearts out to you, their real thoughts, etc - they tend to be closer to you. Move on this way.
Last point: Always move gradually and steadily - you can't afford to screw up this time. Don't pressure... induce and lead.
Cheers -
god bless u
may u find true luv -
its spetznatz. theres a "t". ur situation is so crappy tht ill refrain frm my usual horribly insensitive remarks.Originally posted by Spetznaz:screw her and get urself another gal
tats y nvr invest so much on a gal
make it da other way round