I don't whether I am the one selfish???
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Hi All. I am new to this forum. I guess today my brain has snapped. Today, I have a row with my dad. I wish you all hear my story and give me your wise advice and thoughts on this. My dad is already reaching 63yrs old. Have not been married for last 4yrs since my mom past away. However after 6mths of my mom death, my dad has been contemplating to get married (part is due from persuasion/recommendatin of frenz and himself), with reason of companionship. Initially I was unagreeable to him getting married but thinking again, he may need to have a someone by his side since I am not always there to be around him.
Few days ago, someone recommend him this woman, 45yrs old divorce. However, I told him that if he want to get married, he must plan to get his own place. He need to start a new cycle of marriage life. I told him he cannot stay with me. For your info, I am not married. I bought this house for my future and also with the intension to take care of my dad till he dies (with the condition he end up never get married). But now he has the intention of marrying, so rules has change. I told him calmly abt how I feel on this matter and that cause him outrage and he said I have a bad heart and I am the selfish, cannot compromi that I don't allowed him to stay with me after his marriage with his new wife. His argument that his frenz told him that eventhough he has a daughter, she cannot always be with him to take care of him. It will be different having a wife who can take care of all his needs and when he sick, she can take care of him.
Do you think I am selfish? I felt that my dad is. For your info, another 1-2yrs he have to go for dialysis. I am myself is diagnose with kidney problem and on daily medication. My mom died of kidney failure. 7yrs I sacrifice my youth taking care of my mom. Now she no longer around, I take care of my dad. I don't understand in what way I am selfish. Don't you think this is a burden for me?
If anyone of you out there have this experience with your dad, hope you can share with me how you cope with this nonsense. -
His argument that his frenz told him that eventhough he has a daughter, she cannot always be with him to take care of him. It will be different having a wife who can take care of all his needs and when he sick, she can take care of him.
So are you that daughter?
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Don't let imagination or worry ties you down.
Why don't you, your father and his potential wife find a place to meet, seat down to chat.
Things could have turn out better than you thought. -
No. I am not that kind of daughter. I take care of his needs as long as I can afford it. He has a bedroom for himself. I don't ask him to pay any bills in the house. I give him pocket money eventhough he has retirement income he get every mth. Even that income I was the one put it in an endowment plan so that the money is being stretch. I never restrict him from hangout with his frenz.
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No, what I mean is not what type of daughter you are.
I mean "Are you the only daughter?" "Do you have other sibling?" -
True that I have not met this woman before. However I am a woman too. I felt that my dad is very inconsiderate. He talk abt having someone to take care of his needs....how abt this woman's needs. She still not aware of his health condition yet. He said, this woman has a child who is getting married. Forgive me if I m making assumption but that child don't want to take care of her own mother. Here come dad, who take pity on her, then both end up my place. He felt sick, she not that young also. So who exactly shouldering responsibilit?
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I have a youngest sister, already married 1.5yrs ago. There only 2 of us. We are very very close.
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I suppose you are Chinese, right? From the Chinese's point of view, daughter marries out of the family.
Since you and your sister are both daughter, your dad maybe worry that as he gets older, your sister and you may not take care off him or that he may not get along with your's and your sister's husband.
Given his medical condition, he also seems worry about finding future accommodation.
Maybe you can work out a plan with him. Stay you for x mths or years and than move out?
I am not taking side here but from the way you discribed your father, he seems worry about his fufure. -
hmm. my relatives also going through something like this.
personally i don't think it's a matter of "right and wrong".
it's only natural that you feel defensive against a stranger coming into your life, and you see her as a threat.
in a way - yes i agree that in that aspect, you are selfish, but who can blame you for it? since you took care of your dad and your mum for so long, there is an invested interest.
just like when i suffered quite abit before my parents became christians, then suddenly catholics appear and try to tell my parents catholics are better or "more correct".
of course i got angry.
so firstly.. i want you to understand that, it's not your fault for feeling this way. you shouldn't feel condemned.
there's nothing wrong if your dad wants to get marry, the issue is whether he's marrying a good woman.
there's also nothing wrong if you don't want your dad to marry, because you have invested your life into caring for him, and you don't want to share, it's only a natural respond.
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For your info, I am not Chinese. Furthermore it is not about which race I am. You said he seem worried abt his future accomodation. I have bigger concern than that. Eventhough I am not married, I feel that I have so much financial burden I am shouldering. More so for him, don't he need to provide security for his wife? He told me that he's saving enough. He forget abt medical cost now and future. I feel that one need to be wise and really think through on this matter. Unfortunately I cannot get this thru him. He just thinking of getting married.
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Originally posted by LoveyDovey:
For your info, I am not Chinese. Furthermore it is not about which race I am. You said he seem worried abt his future accomodation. I have bigger concern than that. Eventhough I am not married, I feel that I have so much financial burden I am shouldering.
Sorry LoveyDovey. I was trying to help you and it was not race I was referring to. Maybe I jumped too fast.
Let things cool down and see how they go, yeah? -
hi dumbdumb. thanks for your comment. I do agree partially what you said. I do wish to make clear to you and everyone, currently in my heart I don't have a problem he marry another woman. The problem I cannot accept the fact that he and his new wife staying with me and I as his daughter knowing that his health condition is deteriorating and there is another new elderly in the house. How can personally I accept this? I can foresee what is coming in near future for both them. Why do i wish to burden myself with this catastrophe? I worked damn hard for my whole life until I manage to buy this flat by myself, with one intention, my parents will have a shelter above their head and taking care of them in whatever way till they die. It is really really frustrating.
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It's ok 4sg. No hard feeling. I am just feeling very very sad too. Up till now, not once my dad asked me when will I get married. Instead he talked abt his marriage.
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Originally posted by LoveyDovey:
Hi All. I am new to this forum. I guess today my brain has snapped. Today, I have a row with my dad. I wish you all hear my story and give me your wise advice and thoughts on this. My dad is already reaching 63yrs old. Have not been married for last 4yrs since my mom past away. However after 6mths of my mom death, my dad has been contemplating to get married (part is due from persuasion/recommendatin of frenz and himself), with reason of companionship. Initially I was unagreeable to him getting married but thinking again, he may need to have a someone by his side since I am not always there to be around him.
Few days ago, someone recommend him this woman, 45yrs old divorce. However, I told him that if he want to get married, he must plan to get his own place. He need to start a new cycle of marriage life. I told him he cannot stay with me. For your info, I am not married. I bought this house for my future and also with the intension to take care of my dad till he dies (with the condition he end up never get married). But now he has the intention of marrying, so rules has change. I told him calmly abt how I feel on this matter and that cause him outrage and he said I have a bad heart and I am the selfish, cannot compromi that I don't allowed him to stay with me after his marriage with his new wife. His argument that his frenz told him that eventhough he has a daughter, she cannot always be with him to take care of him. It will be different having a wife who can take care of all his needs and when he sick, she can take care of him.
Do you think I am selfish? I felt that my dad is. For your info, another 1-2yrs he have to go for dialysis. I am myself is diagnose with kidney problem and on daily medication. My mom died of kidney failure. 7yrs I sacrifice my youth taking care of my mom. Now she no longer around, I take care of my dad. I don't understand in what way I am selfish. Don't you think this is a burden for me?
If anyone of you out there have this experience with your dad, hope you can share with me how you cope with this nonsense.
Yes you are selfish.Taking care of your parents is not an obligation and neither it is a choice. It is your DUTY to take care of your parents as they have taken care of you since you were brought to this world.
And the 7 years spent for taking care of your Mom is not a sacrifice because there is no way you can ever bring her back even if you want to trade your 1:1 lifespan for her.
Treasure, Serve, Love and Respect your Parents as you have done for yourself.
This is what distinguishes between you and Animals.
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dumbdumb i like what you said "
there's nothing wrong if your dad wants to get marry, the issue is whether he's marrying a good woman."
Seriously, how can one knows she is a good woman. It takes a man many yrs to know his own wife, more so in this case. Another tricky concern that I have, said, he get married but he did not live long, this woman is going to be rich. As a daughter, I have never taken his money. Surprisingly this woman will get and for free. I am not cursing my dad but I look at all angle.
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I don't know whether, am i the one WHO IS selfish?
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Hi parn. Neither did I ever thought that I take care of my parents due to obligation nor choice. Yes, you are totally right, it is our duty to take care of them as how they have taken care of us. When I said I sacrifice 7yrs taking care my mom, it doesn't really meant like what you think. Being the eldest daughter, I am also the breedwinner in the family. Life has not been easy. Both my parents are not educated but my late mom has high hopes to send me to University. Every morning for 25yrs, i helped my mom sold her kueh. When she was diagnosed for heart and kidney prob, i am the one sending her to and fro to hospital for her appointment and dialysis centre. I never complained as I know what I can do to help her is insufficient compare to her sacrifice to make me who I am now. Now she is gone, I take care of my dad as I know how. I went to see his specialist checking on his condition, taking same diet as him, bring him out when I have time.
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Originally posted by LoveyDovey:
Hi parn. Neither did I ever thought that I take care of my parents due to obligation nor choice. Yes, you are totally right, it is our duty to take care of them as how they have taken care of us. When I said I sacrifice 7yrs taking care my mom, it doesn't really meant like what you think. Being the eldest daughter, I am also the breedwinner in the family. Life has not been easy. Both my parents are not educated but my late mom has high hopes to send me to University. Every morning for 25yrs, i helped my mom sold her kueh. When she was diagnosed for heart and kidney prob, i am the one sending her to and fro to hospital for her appointment and dialysis centre. I never complained as I know what I can do to help her is insufficient compare to her sacrifice to make me who I am now. Now she is gone, I take care of my dad as I know how. I went to see his specialist checking on his condition, taking same diet as him, bring him out when I have time.
Good, then you deserved to know the answer to your worries.Advise your Dad to consult a lawyer to prepare and craft out a Prenuptial Agreement for your step-mom to sign before or prior to the wedding.
There is nothing much you can do if your Dad want to have a will to give your step-mom some financial benefits, but that will be into the future and I think you should at least give your step-mom a fair go first before you judge her further.
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Originally posted by LoveyDovey:
dumbdumb i like what you said "
there's nothing wrong if your dad wants to get marry, the issue is whether he's marrying a good woman."
Seriously, how can one knows she is a good woman. It takes a man many yrs to know his own wife, more so in this case. Another tricky concern that I have, said, he get married but he did not live long, this woman is going to be rich. As a daughter, I have never taken his money. Surprisingly this woman will get and for free. I am not cursing my dad but I look at all angle.
what i understand is that, before marry, can write a contract.
u think ur situation is bad ah. my relative something like your story, but is a china woman - how?
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Originally posted by dumbdumb!:
what i understand is that, before marry, can write a contract.
u think ur situation is bad ah. my relative something like your story, but is a china woman - how?
Then write contract in chinese lor.................. -
i don't see how you are selfish...you have no obligation in taking care of your dad's needs just as you too have your own needs...if your dad wants to marry, then he has to sort out his own future and not lay it all on you....this is not about being chinese, it's plain common sense... you have your own right to live a life of your choosing too....i would find it acceptable if your dad remains widowed and you support him but if he marries, then he should think how he wants to support his new family... so don't feel too guilty over wanting to live your own live too....
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Originally posted by LoveyDovey:
Do you think I am selfish? I felt that my dad is. For your info, another 1-2yrs he have to go for dialysis. I am myself is diagnose with kidney problem and on daily medication. My mom died of kidney failure. 7yrs I sacrifice my youth taking care of my mom. Now she no longer around, I take care of my dad. I don't understand in what way I am selfish. Don't you think this is a burden for me?
If anyone of you out there have this experience with your dad, hope you can share with me how you cope with this nonsense.You have kidney failure too?
So you are able to work despite having kidney problem and how much do you earn a month?
Just asking to find out exactly how well is your financial status..
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Lovey,
Don't let your father or anyone put you on a guilt trip.
It is indeed a child's obligation to take care of his/her parents, and what you have done so far has achieved that and way beyond what a parent would have expected of any children of theirs.
But , you are not obligated to take care of a stranger's mother.So if your father wants that woman to move in, then it is only reasonable that she pay for some expenses or simply call it rent.
I don't think it fair that she gets to freeload on your expense.
Companionship doesn't happen only after a marriage. But it is your father's personal choice.
There's only one wrong.. that I see in your situation .. and perhaps the reason why your father got angry with you.. is that you criticised his personal choice.
Who gets his inheritance is also his personal choice.
As a child.. I think it's not right to expect any form of compensation after the death of your parent/s.
Even if he decides to will all inheritance to a charity or a dog/cat , it is his personal choice.
If you get a cent.. be thankful... if not.. then so be it.
Have you discussed with him.. what will happen after his death ? Where will the woman go ? She can't possibly continues to live with you. I know this topic is a hard one to broach.. you may need some good timing and lots of tact.
If you are worried about the legal implication of your father's new marriage on your personal assets in the event something terminal happens to you, then it is time you go and get your final Will done.
Another alternative is a family Trust fund.
I'm not too sure how the laws works in Singapore, and I don't seem to get much information from the internet.
But it may be worth the while to find out if you can set up a Trust fund and appoint your sister as the Trustee to manage/oversee the assets you want to leave to your father.
A Will/Trust fund, can provide a peace of mind. The sooner you get this done.. the better it is for your own sanity.
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Hi jojobeach. Thank you for your advice. I feel that you really understand me. When I mention with regards to his money, it is not something I am wanting or some called it inheritance. The thing abt his money/asset is just a small issue. I am concerned what will happen in the process he get sick, where money is flowing out for medication and treatments to the point of his death? It is not abt where the woman will go only but how in later part where my dad is sick, how he is going to feed her?
For your infor, Dialysis treatment is a sickness of the rich. Per haemodialysis cost around $200 to $250 does not include eprex (injection to increase red blood cell) which cost $60-$80 per jap. Most of the time patient can go 2 or 3 times a week. My late mom goes 3 times a week for 7yrs. I have not include the 3mths once to specialist for consultation and collecting medication every mth which mounted to $400 per mth. On top of all this, must put aside extra cost in the event got admitted to A&E due to infection. So you can calculate how much my family have spend for 7yrs during the time my late mom having dialysis. Me and my family able to go thru that period due to me, my sis, my dad are still working and my parents sold of the 3-room flat to help pay the cost. But now is different, my sis is married and she has her own committment. My dad has retired. I am the only person working.
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Originally posted by dukedracula:
i don’t see how you are selfish…you have no obligation in taking care of your dad’s needs just as you too have your own needs…if your dad wants to marry, then he has to sort out his own future and not lay it all on you….this is not about being chinese, it’s plain common sense…
you have your own right to live a life of your choosing too….i would find it acceptable if your dad remains widowed and you support him but if he marries, then he should think how he wants to support his new family…
so don’t feel too guilty over wanting to live your own live too….
Life is yours only if u accept it , Not choosing it..=)