Asperger's Syndrome: Can't really cope.
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Asperger's Syndrome is considered to be a part of autism. But unlike typical autism where the cases are intellectually-impaired, I'm emotionally- and socially-retarded. I experience tremendous difficulties in daily life from interacting with others, to assimilating successfully into society and suffer for it.
Ever since I've been diagnosed six months ago, I think I've improved markedly in terms of (or attempting to) reading the body language, linguistic inflections etc. of other people in my present work environment, which is the SAF.
Over the past year I've been continuously singled out and bullied for allegedly either deliberate disrespect for my superiors or carrying out my tasks wrongly. While I have indeed been attempting to explain my condition to my commanders lately, they haven't been able to understand, just thought I was retarded or trying to be funny and gain sympathy. But it isn't surprising to me. SAF isn't well-known for attracting or retaining talented and intelligent people.
All along, however, I've been continuously rejected by people and have quite desensitized to getting blown off. But recently, I've been trying in earnest to make myself better with people, attempting to learn of empathy and trying to do things with others, in the social context even though I clearly do not enjoy those activities, but I still end up with the same result.
While I understand that in this day and age, this working world places a high emphasis on teamwork as a catalyst to success, it's outright difficult for me. I think I'm able to sort things out logically at work and try to sort things out as effectively as possible while working as a team, but when it comes down to the day-to-day social back and forths of everyday life, it's a continuous and never-ending struggle for me. No matter how much I try, it's difficult to get people to like me. While I don't think anyone near me distinctly dislikes me and try to actively antagonize me, it's just depressingly disappointing that be it with effort put in or not, I still get the same result. So, why do I bother?
Work and social life with my fellow males aside, I haven't felt any real love for a woman/girl in about 7 years. The female friends that I have tend to bore me to death. The ones I'm interested in are either 2-3 continents away, or think it laughable to be associated with chaps like me.
So, it brings me to question my present interest in majoring in journalism, which requires me to interact and talk with many people. While I have a voracious interest in current affairs, history, philosophy, politics and the like, and writing about it, the future job prospects scare me. I will really have to search people out for interviews etc., and, blah.
I don't know. I like to be alone. In fact, I prefer being alone than to be in a room with someone else. But I know that I have to be with other people if I want to advance in this society.
Death, in comparison, is lonely, isn't it? It seems more appealing. This isn't some random, emo, angsty thought, but something that I've been contemplating for a good, long while. I understand that a lot of us tend to shun from thinking of it, but as an emotionally-impaired individual who is still, unfortunately human, I am still a social animal, and am being tortured for it. -
Could you give examples of how you done things badly/wrong? How do you beahve that makes u disrepectful to your superiors?
Why is communication difficult for you? A lack of topics you can think of to chat with people or do you dislike communication with people on the whole whether or not there is anything to discuss about?
It would definitely be hard for you to do journalism if you dislike communicating with people. The only alternative for you is to write about nature, places etc that might need less interaction with people if you enjoy that.
Death is often thought by people to be a release from this world and the end to all suffering but thats a stupid decision. As long as you are alive, there is always hope to change but once dead thats the end and i don't think things are that bad yet.
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it's not your fault. it's everybody else's fault. cheer up.
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I can provide a real example that netted me five extras from a RSM:
My hair was rather long, and I knew that I had to get it cut real soon. Just as when I was about to walk to the in-camp barber, the RSM asked me, "Oi, have all the barbers in Singapore died already?" I was quite new in camp, and the first time I saw him, he was joking with some of the men. I laughed very loudly at what I thought was a joke that he directed to me.
When I communicate with people, face to face, there are a number of hurdles that I have to cross. I have to handle facial expressions which I can't recognize instantly, and have to spend a lot of cognitive effort at remembering and interpreting. Then there's body language. Tone of voice. How the eyes look. Furthermore, I've had to make plenty of mistakes, so that when I discover that I've committed a social crime, I'll learn to avoid it and act accordingly. It's like a continuous MCQ exam for me. Get what I mean?
While normal people may take things like this instinctively, I have to learn all of this by rote and rack my brain for the right answers.
I'm perfectly comfortable with communicating with others on the textual form. My words are better elucidated on this medium and I can post-edit what I write, while my spoken speech can be very stuttered and sometimes, words can take long delays between each other because I have to analyse every single word I say in the hopes that I don't offend the other party.
I don't think I hate communicating with others. Just that I face so much difficulty and backlash from doing it face-to-face, that I don't feel like trying anymore.
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You mean you have problems recognising most facial expressions?
Are you remembering everything base strictly on memory about how this certain expression might mean due to some past incident?
How different is your thinking process when you speak and when you write? Do you also require delays to write to ensure you don't write anything that might piss people off or is it only a problem when it comes to verbal communication?
I believe its a tough road for you but you should not give up as giving up won't give u a chance to improve. If making mistakes helps you learn then keep learning from them. Try to find people who understand your condition and will be more understanding to communicate with first and maybe try starting up from there.
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There is the obvious facial expression, such as a plain smile. And the mixed, subtle sort where a person may keep smiling but is actually pretty pissed off.
And then I have the absolute inability to detect social cues. Another example I will raise is an incident that happened 5 minutes ago. I'm in a shared internet room in camp now, and when some guy I don't probably know mentioned a new, mediocre game entitled "Sudden Attack" to his mate beside him, my instant response was, "Oh, no, what a shit game, I'd rather be crucified." I'll leave it to your imagination how it turned out. Wasn't too pretty. But hey, my platoon manages this room anyhow.
Furthermore, making mistakes and being able to learn from it isn't always a boon. Everyone is different, and sometimes, when I do make a mistake, it's gone forever. When it isn't gone, I make an excuse that I'm daft half the time and it stabilizes. But it isn't an enjoyable process.
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have u spoken 2 a professional about ur condition??if not i suggest u seek 1.
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NEWater,
I found out about asperger's a few years back and I have many of the characteristics, but I have never been officially diagnosed(nor do I know where to get a diagnosis). I have pretty much learnt to be really careful about the things i say. Sometimes it also helps to mirror and mimic the other party's expression. I wish I could help you, but It does take a lot of effort and trial-and-error to fit in socially.
If you search online, there are some helpful sites such as wrongplanet.net, that can provide you with more insights into asperger's and also advice in the forum on how to cope.
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Originally posted by NEWater:
Asperger's Syndrome is considered to be a part of autism. But unlike typical autism where the cases are intellectually-impaired, I'm emotionally- and socially-retarded. I experience tremendous difficulties in daily life from interacting with others, to assimilating successfully into society and suffer for it.
Ever since I've been diagnosed six months ago, I think I've improved markedly in terms of (or attempting to) reading the body language, linguistic inflections etc. of other people in my present work environment, which is the SAF.
Over the past year I've been continuously singled out and bullied for allegedly either deliberate disrespect for my superiors or carrying out my tasks wrongly. While I have indeed been attempting to explain my condition to my commanders lately, they haven't been able to understand, just thought I was retarded or trying to be funny and gain sympathy. But it isn't surprising to me. SAF isn't well-known for attracting or retaining talented and intelligent people.
All along, however, I've been continuously rejected by people and have quite desensitized to getting blown off. But recently, I've been trying in earnest to make myself better with people, attempting to learn of empathy and trying to do things with others, in the social context even though I clearly do not enjoy those activities, but I still end up with the same result.
While I understand that in this day and age, this working world places a high emphasis on teamwork as a catalyst to success, it's outright difficult for me. I think I'm able to sort things out logically at work and try to sort things out as effectively as possible while working as a team, but when it comes down to the day-to-day social back and forths of everyday life, it's a continuous and never-ending struggle for me. No matter how much I try, it's difficult to get people to like me. While I don't think anyone near me distinctly dislikes me and try to actively antagonize me, it's just depressingly disappointing that be it with effort put in or not, I still get the same result. So, why do I bother?
Work and social life with my fellow males aside, I haven't felt any real love for a woman/girl in about 7 years. The female friends that I have tend to bore me to death. The ones I'm interested in are either 2-3 continents away, or think it laughable to be associated with chaps like me.
So, it brings me to question my present interest in majoring in journalism, which requires me to interact and talk with many people. While I have a voracious interest in current affairs, history, philosophy, politics and the like, and writing about it, the future job prospects scare me. I will really have to search people out for interviews etc., and, blah.
I don't know. I like to be alone. In fact, I prefer being alone than to be in a room with someone else. But I know that I have to be with other people if I want to advance in this society.
Death, in comparison, is lonely, isn't it? It seems more appealing. This isn't some random, emo, angsty thought, but something that I've been contemplating for a good, long while. I understand that a lot of us tend to shun from thinking of it, but as an emotionally-impaired individual who is still, unfortunately human, I am still a social animal, and am being tortured for it.
AS (Asperger's Syndrome) most notable signs is the deficit in
reading non-verbals: every time you fail to recognize non-verbals cues,
it inevitably create some form of a social mess and rejection occurs
naturally. When you repeat that cycle a few times, (minus the debate
about it being genetic), your environment might just end up reinforcing
your condition and worsen your situation. I understand your situation: is like when you encounter some form of social error in responding to a joke and then you learn how this 'manner' can be told as a joke. Later, in other situations, you might have tried to mimic what you just learn and realized that it backfired for some strange reasons and resulted in another social mistake. And you wondered what went wrong because you felt that you said just the same stuff.
Communication comes in two ways, verbal speech (left brain) and non-verbal (right brain). Impairment of one makes communication difficult because we ALWAYS read both at the same time to truly picked up construct and meaning of messages. We don't just speak in words - we all speak in tones, attitude and other non-verbals.
Through your words, obviously, you have no problem in textual communication because that trigger mainly your left brain - which you don't have any issues in the first place.
You probably need to seek some form of specialist - probably some form of behavioral training and coping skills. It should help you to response better in social situation. Don't see it as a therapy - perceive it as skill set you wished to learn and gain adequate mastery eventually.You have people paying thousands of dollars learning how to 'date'; similarly learning how to be a 'parent'. In this modern era, it's like we are all going for lessons on learning about things that ought to be 'second nature', but the fact is that everyone has their own strength and weakness. You must understand that the diversity of life and human beings are such that we are all different in various aspects. Although we can recognize our lacks, but ultimately, how we want to overcome this lack makes that very difference.
You might not be about to resume 100% ability in reading non-verbals, but if you can reach 60-70%, I think it's still good.Just keep learning.
P.S: For AS, there is a fundamental shift in calling it a matter of 'difference' than terming it as a disorder. There are people who prefer to be alone; some calls it a biological thing, but why not a personal choice?
You have your own dream to pursue - don't let AS remove your courage to work towards it. Dreams are dreams because only those who actively pursue them relentlessly can transform those into reality.
Nobody should be denied the right to their own dreams and the only person who can reject is but yourself.
Cheers
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Originally posted by NEWater:
There is the obvious facial expression, such as a plain smile. And the mixed, subtle sort where a person may keep smiling but is actually pretty pissed off.
And then I have the absolute inability to detect social cues. Another example I will raise is an incident that happened 5 minutes ago. I'm in a shared internet room in camp now, and when some guy I don't probably know mentioned a new, mediocre game entitled "Sudden Attack" to his mate beside him, my instant response was, "Oh, no, what a shit game, I'd rather be crucified." I'll leave it to your imagination how it turned out. Wasn't too pretty. But hey, my platoon manages this room anyhow.
Furthermore, making mistakes and being able to learn from it isn't always a boon. Everyone is different, and sometimes, when I do make a mistake, it's gone forever. When it isn't gone, I make an excuse that I'm daft half the time and it stabilizes. But it isn't an enjoyable process.
You need to find friends that understand your condition but frankly it would be difficult to find them. They would have to be super tolerant.
Maybe a girlfriend might be "easier" because you know, your family accepts you and if you can find a girl that can not just tolerate your condition but actually treats you like family, that would be great.
As for your problems at your work place, I think it would help if you refrain from expressing your opinions.
You have to totally stop criticising people. Just bite your lips when you are about to say something negative about someone because no matter how "right" you think you are, you are definitely wrong.
You might be right about the facts but you would be wrong about the details and the subtility and you would be absolutely wrong about how you should handle it.
To put it plainly,
YOU SHOULD JUST SHUT THE FARK UP!
Sorry, but I have a friend like you and base on my experiences with him, that is the best advice I can give you.
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As for career, you should do unambiguous jobs like engineering or statistics where your ability at calculations or undestanding mathematical/scientific concepts is appreciated more than your abilities at human relationships.
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NEWater,
From reading your posts, I could see that you have travelled through life this far with your intelligence and sheer perserverance. I must say well done! You even managed to complete NS in spite of the many difficulties.
I agree with Yunhaier that you should seek professional support and training to assist you in coping with AS, maybe in social skills or communications. It is getting more pertinent as you enter the working world. Especially in Singapore where people are generally intolerant of 'differences'. It may be helpful to get involved in a support group with other AS adults. I do not know if there is any in Singapore but you could always make enquiries with Autistic Resource Centre. Career-wise, I suggest you speak to a career counsellor to explore the options given your interests and abilities. The world is your oyster. If this tiny red dot cannot acknowledge your talents and provide you opportunities to maximise your skills, there will definitely be another place in the whole wide world that can accept you!!
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It is good that you realize your problem and its got a name to it. Take comfort that you are not the only one that have it. It's only human. Each one of us have our own medical issues as well. Even the most perfect amongst us is not spared - no human is an immortal.
It is also good that you are attempting to address the problem and overcome it. I applaud you. Having watched the Olympics of the physically challenged, they have proven that nothing is impossible. I have seen courageous people with all different kinds of problems, yet they persevered and lived life as normally as everyone else. You too, are no different, just as human as we all are - flawed but yet determined not to allow anything to hinder our growth.
One brutual fact you must bear in mind is that no one owes you a living. No one needs to befriend you. It is up to you and your character to be accepted by others. Fortunately, there are many kind hearted people who would willingly befriend you, but unfortunately, they too are human and would get hurt. Some will try to understand, but it takes a lotta patience, and one will wonder if it is worth it, having you as a friend.
Worse if you use your medical problem as a excuse for your behaviour each time you are unhappy.
We are creatures of habit and will often hide in our own shells for protection and comfort. That is the reason why you enjoy being alone, for you answer to no one and responsible for none. But that is not living a life. How long can you hide? I have met many single old men of Chinatown. They know not life and have much bitter regrets for remaining single and alone. I am sure you do not want to be like them.
My suggestion to you is to make 'baby steps' - one thing at a time to move out of your shell and the perception that you have the right to behave as your medical condition dictate. Learn to listen more than to talk, and manage your anger better. I am sure you are already going for counselling, so there is nothing more i need to elaborate here.
The reason you are here is to find support to cope. You have my support, but ultimately - u live your life. Only you can determine whether you should continue to rely on your medical condition for protection and sympathy, or condemn the disability yourself with courage and determination, to rise above mentally paralyzing inadequacies just as many others had overcome before you.
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Originally posted by xtreyier:
Only you can determine whether you should continue to rely on your medical condition for protection and sympathy, or condemn the disability yourself with courage and determination, to rise above mentally paralyzing inadequacies just as many others had overcome before you.
Some forumers here have given you good advice so I'll just recommend a book for some light reading - Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time.